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did Jesus ever get an erection or masturbate?


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#1 been borg again

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 09:45 PM

self explanitory...

If so.. was it a sin, or amoral biological drive?
what did he fantasize about?
his first sexual experience?

If he did not masturbate..
did he ever get morning wood and/or wet dreams?

Edited by been borg again, 28 May 2005 - 09:49 PM.

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#2 Ouroboros

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 09:46 PM

self explanitory

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


OOH, This is a Naaasty Topic.

If he was 100% human he must have had auto-ejaculation at least, it comes with purberty!
Jabbrwokk QFT:



And behold, one came who in the form of a demon holding a beer, and he spake with a tongue of red. And when he spake, he said bye bye, and all listened, and watched as he smote the babbling troll with his +5 banhammer of fedupishness. And there was much rejoicing.



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#3 imageownershipproblem

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 09:58 PM

I'm sorry, but I have a little boy who had very sensitive skin during infancy and couldn't even wear cotton diapers 24/7.

If Jesus was human....or even a god temporarily confined to a human body....he had erections and masturbated, even if he never thought about anything when he was doing it but "my winkie tingles when I do this".

There is simply no reasonable argument to the contrary.
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#4 Guest_marktaylor_*

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:06 PM

self explanitory...

If so.. was it a sin, or amoral biological drive?
what did he fantasize about?
his first sexual experience?

If he did not masturbate..
did he ever get morning wood and/or wet dreams?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



Listen, trouble maker. If you persist with this, we'll have another 'holy site' to deal with! :lmao:
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#5 Guest_Son of Belial_*

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:51 PM

In the words of another poster, "This conversation offends me! Waaaaah!"
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#6 Vixentrox

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 10:55 PM

This is kinda in line with the "If god is Omni-present, does that mean he's in the toilet when I take a crap?"
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#7 Ro-bear

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Posted 28 May 2005 - 11:29 PM

George Bernard Shaw, a bright and pithy individual, once said, "Ninety-five percent of men masturbate, and the other five percent are liars."

I guess that means Bernie whacked off.

It's hard for me to imagine that a human male has echewed taking matters into his own hands at some time or another. :shrug:

Edited by Ro-bear, 28 May 2005 - 11:29 PM.

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#8 dogmatically_challenged

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Posted 29 May 2005 - 01:17 AM

George Bernard Shaw, a bright and pithy individual, once said, "Ninety-five  percent of men masturbate, and the other five percent are liars."

I guess that means Bernie whacked off.

It's hard for me to imagine that a human male has echewed taking matters into his own hands at some time or another.  :shrug:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Well if jesus never wanked then that would explain his cursing the fig tree, whipping the pharisee, and inventing hell for sinners. No one who is flesh can go all his life without wanking with his sanity intact. "I have come not to bring peace but a sword" is a freudian slip of fallic proportions. Hehe.

Edited by dogmatically_challenged, 29 May 2005 - 01:25 AM.

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#9 Ouroboros

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Posted 29 May 2005 - 02:30 AM

Why do you think Jebuz wanted to pray alone?
Jabbrwokk QFT:



And behold, one came who in the form of a demon holding a beer, and he spake with a tongue of red. And when he spake, he said bye bye, and all listened, and watched as he smote the babbling troll with his +5 banhammer of fedupishness. And there was much rejoicing.



Book of Hans 3:16

#10 nirrti

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 05:28 PM

Who are we kidding? :wicked: If Jesus was in a human body, he not only got his spank-on every now and then, but possibly helped other people get their's as well. The notion that Jesus wasn't a sexual being comes from this warped notion that sex is a dirty, necessary evil.
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#11 IAm_Lucifer

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 06:48 PM

[Christian mentality]

Anything that has to do with the human genitals is a sin. Even if you cannot control it (wet dreams). Jesus was 100% human but he was also 100% God. Therefore he did not wank or get a woody.

[/Christian mentality]
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#12 IAm_Lucifer

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 06:49 PM

Why do you think Jebuz wanted to pray alone?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


:vent:

Lol
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#13 Guest_aexapo_*

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 10:33 PM

If Jesus really did live, and was born without a sperm donor, then the birth would have truly been a rare occurence. Reason: Mary would have asexually reproduced him -- which means Jesus would have been a clone of Mary = ergo, Jesus was a woman.

If she further created a following of spiritual "believers," then she would have been the first female-centered spiritual following (with unknowing participants, of course), which would have also made the Madame Christ the first spiritual leader who was also a male impersonator.

"Hello, I'm a guy, Son of God, with miraculous powers!"

Three lies in one; the original trinity.
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#14 dogmatically_challenged

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 10:42 PM

Who are we kidding? :wicked:   If  Jesus was in a human body, he not only got his spank-on every now and then, but possibly helped other people get their's as well.  The notion that Jesus wasn't a sexual being comes from this warped notion that sex is a dirty, necessary evil.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Does the Jewish concept of messiah necessitate chastity?

Who was it that said that Christianity was a mix of the worts aspects of paganism and judaism?
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#15 chefranden

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 10:46 PM

I doubt that non-existent males ever have these problems.
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#16 spamandham

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Posted 31 May 2005 - 12:34 AM

Does the Jewish concept of messiah necessitate chastity?


No. This is an absurd revisionism that doesn't even have a scriptural basis.

If there is a historical figure behind the mythical Bible Jesus (thanks chef for the reminder!), and he was not castrated, then he certainly got off somehow, even if just in his dreams. This is a biological fact of being male.

There is no claim in the Bible that Jesus was single, and the wedding at Caanan is highly suggestive of being Jesus' own wedding. Since the earliest whole NT writings we have are revisions at least 100 years after the alleged facts (perhaps as much as 200 years later), such details could easily have been revised out as the myth evolved. We have little idea what any of the NT really said prior to 125 CE, with the first fully extant New Testament writings no older than about 325 CE! That's right, they could still have been making crap up and editing it as much as 300 years after "Jesus died" and we would not know it.
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#17 Kryten

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Posted 31 May 2005 - 12:13 PM

If Jesus really did live, and was born without a sperm donor, then the birth would have truly been a rare occurence.  Reason: Mary would have asexually reproduced him -- which means Jesus would have been a clone of Mary = ergo, Jesus was a woman.

If she further created a following of spiritual "believers," then she would have been the first female-centered spiritual following (with unknowing participants, of course), which would have also made the Madame Christ the first spiritual leader who was also a male impersonator.

"Hello, I'm a guy, Son of God, with miraculous powers!"

Three lies in one; the original trinity.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

HA! Aexapo is CORRECT!!! Scientifically, without a human male to provide DNA, the offspring would be a clone of the parent-- just like plants that are continued from the same source plant! So yes, Jesus would have been a female as well as a male impersonator. Does that mean God the "Father" is also a female?
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#18 Alice

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Posted 31 May 2005 - 12:28 PM

I think my move away from mainstream christianity began when the question 'what did Jesus' DNA' look like first formed in my head. I asked this question many times and in many places - as a sincere question.

My experience with this question was that only people who were already 'questioning' their faith would attempt to answer. Most hard and fast christians either blanked me or dismissed my question as irrelevant.

I always struggled with the concept of the humanity of Jesus if he was also God. I used to ask people if they wondered if God ever 'whooped with delight' running through the grass - enjoying for the first time the physical sensations that come with life as we know it - as before that, presumably God had never 'felt' the wind on his face, smelt the air after a rainstorm, seen with physical eyes a sunset ... if he was spirit n' all.

People would look at me as if I was talking nonsense - like they couldn't grasp what I was getting at.

As I got more disgruntled the temptation to frame this same question as 'did Jesus ever fart?' or 'did Jesus ever wank' became almost overwhelming at times. I used to amuse my self by imaging asking this question in the house group bible study - but never did. It is in essence the same question as the ones I'd always asked and no one would really answer.
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#19 GiantBear

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Posted 31 May 2005 - 03:50 PM

I think there are some guys who don't and haven't wanked.

It's really rare but they exist.

Some guys don't like women or men either. They just wanna be single and always have.

I've had some extended time periods without jerking in my life

They correlated with keeping busy and productive all day, hard physical work, and lots of prayer. And not being lonely.

I also never had a wet dream. I was too much of a self-starter. Porn-looking with friends and other bad influences to boot. In other societies/ages it woulda been easier to not jerk.

In conclusion......maybe Jesus never jerked.

Edited by GiantBear, 31 May 2005 - 04:05 PM.

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#20 white_raven23

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Posted 31 May 2005 - 04:59 PM

I've had some extended time periods without jerking in my life

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


So? Going a long time without doing it and NEVER doing it ever, are not comparable states of being.

I've heard the phrase "born-again virgin" among christians. :lmao: Only Christians could and would buy into that....

Comparing someone who has NEVER mastrubated, and someone who just hasn't done it in a long time is just like comparing a virgin and a "born again virgin" to one another.

Porn-looking with friends and other bad influences to boot. In other societies/ages it woulda been easier to not jerk.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Easier not to back then? Based on what? You're notion that they did not have porn? Pornography one of the oldest art forms there is. They did too have porn. It was on jars, it was woven into mats, it was drawn on public buildings, and it was crudely scratched into dry mud by young boys and shepherds who felt the urge to "doodle".

And pretty much whole families lived all in one, maybe two rooms. They didn't have soundproofing. Do you really think parents could even begin to be successful at hiding sexual activity from their kids? That's a modern scruple. I know people who can't even imagice having sex with their infant sleeping in a crib in the same room......back then, those folks were doing what comes naturally without those scruples....and the kids snoozing away (or not) on the same sleeping space.

So.....with sex taking place in the home, and the livestock all going at it when in season, how can you imagine a naive and ignorant pubescent human (also a modern creation)? Someone who wouldn't see themselves in a sexual way? And not experiment?

That just isn't human.
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