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Dealing With Death

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#21 Margee

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 06:00 PM


Hi FeelHappy,Welcome to Ex-c. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sibling. I lost my only sister, so I know a bit about what this feels like. It's not fun. Give yourself time. Time not only heals a little bit, but it also allows you to get used to living on the earth without that loved one. Once you get used to this, you will be able to talk all about the good times you had.


I just happened to read your info page where you mentioned your sister (I can't believe that I've not viewed it before), I feel the exact same way about not seeing my brother again.

I'm curious do you have an updated ex-testimony listed here?


Hi feelhappy. How are you doing with this loss? I have so many posts that I really don't know where to point you. My sister is mentioned in a lot of them...... but if you need to talk to someone.....feel free to PM me. I'm right here for ya!! Big hug for you.
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#22 par4dcourse

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 08:33 PM

Survival is built into our DNA, so avoiding and mourning death is only natural. Just don't dwell.
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#23 Paine

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 08:43 PM

This was a greater loss to me than losing God. The thought of never seeing my Dad again was one of the most painful losses I’ve experienced. Losing him at 3, was the greatest loss of my life & now I am realizing he’s never going to see me face to face, and answer all my questions. Now, I really have to grieve and move on because those 3 years were all I got.
Things have gotten a little easier as the years have gone on. I take the grieving process more seriously, I allow myself to feel the pain of loss. Since this realization I have lost my in-laws and my grandfather. I take great comfort in the grey areas. I am comfortable with us being dust & returning to dust. My grandfather taught me so much about being disciplined and humble, his character and love for his family are untouchable. I figure it’s better to live with him every day in my heart & pass these things on to my kids than to wait to see him in heaven. His life makes me take my stewardship responsibilities of the earth and my kids seriously. My in-laws had a lust for life & a commitment to making their community a better place to live. They loved people and people loved them. They ate, and drank & they were merry!! I miss them because being around them was happiness and joy. Everyday I want to be more like them. I take comfort in knowing these people are still in my cells & the air I breathe.


I am TERRIFIED of this aspect of being an EXChristian. But this ..."legacy" way you describe of dealing with it.....its compelling. I have certainly become more ...I don;t know....sentimental? maybe ? since I left the faith.

My grandmother's lessons are more vivid to me, especially since I have had to grieve her all over again since I held her hand twenty years ago, **CERTAIN*** she was in a better place and that we would see each other again! It SUCKS.

Honestly, this is the one facet of this deconversion that I have not yet wanted to face. I have roundly avoided it.

But to add a different twist>>>> I am still closeted to my middle school child. We don't go to church REGULARLY anymore, but I don't think he/she really knows WHY.....

the reason I say this is because MY BIGGEST FEAR>>>>>

IS MY OWN DEATH AND HOW THAT WOULD IMPACT SUCH A YOUNG CHILD, ***IF HE/SHE KNEW I DIDNT BELIEVE I WAS GOING TO HEAVEN, OR THAT I WOULD BE IN HELL*** ANd to some extent , wrapping my arms around my own mortality, which I did several years ago for the FIRST time, but as a CHristian.

This is the toughest part of this lack of faith. And I hazard, dealing with death is the REAL REASON people wrap themselves in that warm delusion to begin with.
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#24 FeelHappy

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 09:56 PM

Hi feelhappy. How are you doing with this loss? I have so many posts that I really don't know where to point you. My sister is mentioned in a lot of them...... but if you need to talk to someone.....feel free to PM me. I'm right here for ya!! Big hug for you.


Thanks again for your concern, its been less than 2 months, but I've learned to keep busy all the time. Its only when I slow down, I really hurt.
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#25 Will02

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 11:37 PM

FeelHappy: I got to this thread later than most but I'm sorry for your loss.

Death does not bother me. Of course, it's easy to say that when I'm young and healthy, but when my time comes I doubt that I will feel differently. Sooner or later, everyone and everything that is alive dies. It's part of life. The only choice we have is how we feel about it. Will people accept death with dignity or will they spend the years they have chasing after immortality/the hereafter with some kind of religion? The way we conquer death is to accept it.

I've lost people close to me so I know how it is. Hell, I lost my best (and only) friend when I was 7. (he was in an accident) He was there one day and gone the next. No warning. In the ensuing years, I have lost others as well. Rather than mourn for them, I try to remember them as they were. In a way, they live on in me. I can't do anything else about it, and long-term grief serves no purpose.
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#26 FeelHappy

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 11:55 PM

My death doesn't bother me one bit and I spend no time thinking about my own death. I believe when I'm dead, I'm dead and don't care one bit.

The painful part is, I grew up believing that I'd get to see my loved ones again when I died. The deaths of my uncle and grandfather were okay because I've knew that it sucks now but soon we'll be together again. The death of my brother was different, there's not a person in the world I loved more than my brother. We were young and I got the terrible call one night that he was in a car wreck and dead. I miss him and this time there isn't the joy of knowing that I'll soon get to see him again.

Since becoming an agnostic I love life more than I did as a christian. I feel that this is my one shot at life so I better enjoy it and make the best of it. But with my brother being gone I can only feel robbed of having more time to spend with him. If this happened 40 years from now, I'd accept it better. I'll accept the death of my parents better, but here I feel cheated. My brother won't be around to see me get married or my first child. That's the hard part and he's not looking down from heaven with a smile. He's gone, his one chance at life on earth was taken before he was even 40. The thought of seeing my loved ones again is by far the thing I miss most from christianity, but I'm realistic enough to know that wishing with all my heart that something is true doesn't make it one bit true.

I do think it would be better for humanity in whole if the evil god who sends people to hell didn't exist, although my brother being a christian likely would be in heaven if it was real.
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#27 FeelHappy

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Posted 12 July 2012 - 01:50 AM

Its been almost 6 months since my brother died (exactly one more week), the pain sometimes goes away and sometimes its almost too much, but I'll make it. Looking back I was struggling with Christianity for a while, but I really think his death date was the breaking point for me. It was the last straw where I quit holding onto my hope the christian god exists and the first time that I was convinced that Yahweh is fake and if I'm wrong and he does exist then his plan of causing suffering to get me to return has backfired because I'd rather spit in his face and burn in hell than spend one minute bowed down before such a vile man made creation.

I often hear my fundi family try to figure out while god let this happen, my brother left 6 children depressed and fatherless, he left a whole family missing him and his loving attitude and smile. Nothing good came of this, there's no divine reason. I'm glad though that I can finally see the world as it is and not try to fool myself into believing in such a malevolent deity (although I'd gladly trade enlightenment for more delusion if it gave me back my brother).
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#28 Edie

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Posted 12 July 2012 - 04:42 AM

Hi FeelHappy,

I am new here but I related to your post. My brother was killed in a road accident just over a year ago now.

I never really experienced any anguish about my brother not being in Heaven like you have. But I am further out of the Church than you (11years), I have had a long time to think things through and become comfortable with my beliefs, before having to process this loss. You're having to do both at once, which is a hell of a lot to deal with.

I would suggest you be very kind to yourself, allow yourself time to think things through, and be reassured that you will eventually become comfortable with what you now know to be true.
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