littlewanderer Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Good morning everyone! I have yet to take the time to introduce myself properly, so here goes. Briefly, I was never particularly religious. I was usually dragged to church by my various friends' parents every Sunday after a Saturday night slumber party or Wednesday after school. Or by my Grandmother a few times. I'd sampled just about every flavor of Christianity and it's types before the age of 11. I just wanted to go wherever my friends were because my home life was excruciatingly chaotic due to my special needs brother who was quite violent when we were kids. I went through a "pop-culture-Jesus" phase in my pre-teens and really got into the whole Shout-to-the-Lord thing, retreats, etc, but it faded out over time and I'd say in the years since then I neither accepted nor dismissed religion. People would talk to me about Jesus, and I'd honestly think "Man, good for you...I wish I believed something that much." I started to formulate my own ideas about God and assumed it was an interchangeable noun to also mean, guiding force, conscience, morality, energy, etc. I dabbled in meditation and yoga, played with tarot cards and astrology for fun and generally lived my life as a free spirited "whatever" type.Long story short, I succumbed to a 2 year long depression recently and had a horrific nervous breakdown. An acquaintance and her husband offered me respite in their home in Mexico for a couple of months to help me "find my footing". Desperate as I was, I sold everything I owned, broke my lease, left my dog with my folks and jumped on the plane. I couldn't wait to live on a little farm in the mountains in Mexico, a FAR cry from Downtown Dallas. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to clear my head. I knew they believed but the thing is, I didn't know just how Christian they are when I went in (They are reformed Presbyterian Calvinists...even their young son is named Calvin....). Both are counselors and promised me some guidance which basically boiled down to 6 weeks of trying to Prosthelytize me. Telling me that I would always struggle with depression and anxiety unless I had a stable compass by which to guide my life and that Jesus could be that compass. I was in a desperate state and agreed to "give it a chance", reading up all the books they recommended and studying the bible on my own for HOURS every day because it was in fact the one thing I hadn't tried and, well, here I was in Mexico with nothing better to do. My host has a masters degree and is an associate pastor at their church and his explanations NEVER appealed to my emotions (until the end when they realized I wasn't really latching on to it). The thing is, I kind of saw where they were coming from. They chastised the church en masse for misinterpreting Jesus' teachings and empathized with me at the hypocrisy. When I had questions, he answered them thoughtfully and with intellect and I never felt gipped nor was I ever given the "God's plan" cop out. And honestly, I had always kind of felt this Jesus in the back of my mind for years. It always nagged on me. And I always rejected it. And now, here I was. Was this truly his plan? Was this the proof I needed. My hosts thought so. And I entertained the idea as well. That is until "election" or "predestination" came into play. I just couldn't buy it. I read the books they pedaled to me. No matter how much they assured me that if God had brought me to where I was and had put on my heart to seek him out by reading and "giving it a chance" I had no reason to worry, I should rejoice! Okay... Well. Instead of rejoicing, I started to feel the walls closing in. I started seeing "sin" everywhere. I couldn't listen to my favorite music without being critical of it's lyrics. I couldn't watch TV without noticing how far from God every character was. I couldn't talk to my parents via skype (true hippies), and I couldn't reconcile this panic of not being able to live in the world at large without being horribly cognizant of how "broken" it is in the eyes of God with the reassurance from my hosts that that was God working through me to "un-blind" me to my sin. I should repent and live my life for him! Praises! Now that I can see it, I ought to turn away and face God! I suddenly and vehemently didn't want to be chosen if this is how I was going to see things. I was told that that was my attachment to my sin and I needed to hold fast and keep seeking. I was promised unspeakable joy would come if I held onto his promises. I was also told it wouldn't happen overnight and to be his faithful servant. I said to hell with that and started digging into what makes Christians turn to Atheism since I had already read Mere Christianity and understood the opposite perspective. I called a friend who was once a pastor and has de-converted and asked him for his advice. Surely there must be a good reason people leave the religion. He recommended Joseph Campbell to me and I watched "the power of myth" that night in one sitting and suddenly could breathe a little. This wasn't an opinion very far off from where I'd started before my sabbatical to Mexico. I couldn't imagine my hosts ever doing it, but when I found this forum, I was surprised to learn many of you have. The difference is, I always sort of believed in some kind of mysticism. Something else out there sort of pushing us to a greater good. Now I'm just unsure where I stand. Everything is on its head for me. And the weird thing is, I was never really attached to anything to begin with. Just sort of when it seemed convenient. Hence my handle, little wanderer. I'm just sort of groping through all of this material for the first time and feel like I'm in the strange position of weighing both viewpoints without bias. I can see the validity in some arguments for Christianity. I can also see the validity in arguments against God altogether. But I'm feeling a little whiplashed. Especially as I sit in the airport in Guadalajara, knowing that I'm flying right back to my notch in the bible belt where Jesus is like, totally awesome yawl and there will be people eager to know if I found the help I desperately needed and I don't really have an answer.Anyway. I suppose this isn't a de-conversion story proper. But I feel I'm in a unique position and thought perhaps others like me had been or are where I am and also found this forum and might find my perspective helpful. During my time here, I would like to let you know that I will not be arguing for or against God. I will simply be asking questions from both sides as they come to me in an attempt to make up my mind one way or another. Please don't be offended if I request legitimate cited sources or play Devil's Advocate. It's just me trying to remain neutral so that I can make a decision that isn't grounded on heresay or speculation.Been lurking the forum for about a week now. I think you guys are pretty cool and I'm glad I found you all. Looking forward to getting to know you all more in time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orbit Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Thanks for posting your story and welcome to Ex-C! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exther Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Dear Littlewanderer, Welcome to the forum. Yes, this place is awesome and the people here are just wonderful. Your predicament is something I can sympathize with although I haven't been in that situation for long. As a matter of fact, it took me just a wee bit of time to see the 'light'. Figuratively, that would be overnight - from being a devout Christian preaching to new converts to a humanist! Your journey seems to have just started and I am sure there are plenty of people on this forum that have gone through a similar journey as yours or better still, going through it right now. I wish you good luck in finding your calling and ultimately being at peace with the answers that you find. I look forward to more posts telling about your progress in your spiritual journey. -- Love, Exther Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted September 3, 2014 Moderator Share Posted September 3, 2014 Welcome, littlewanderer! Thanks for sharing your story. This North Texan enjoys Joseph Campbell as well. Good luck in finding the answers you seek. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bfuddled Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Welcome to the forum! There is some very cool people here, I think you'll fit right in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
directionless Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Welcome to the forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Welcome. Judging by your story, you've chosen an appropriate username for yourself (well - the "wanderer" bit; can't comment on the "little"). Anyhow, I hope you find whatever path makes sense to you and it leads to wherever you will be happy and comfortable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlewanderer Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Welcome. Judging by your story, you've chosen an appropriate username for yourself (well - the "wanderer" bit; can't comment on the "little"). Anyhow, I hope you find whatever path makes sense to you and it leads to wherever you will be happy and comfortable. Ha, thanks. I'm actually quite tall "for a woman", I'm often told. I do realize how small I am in the scheme of things though. Thank you all for the warm responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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