wanderingthoughts Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I know I introduced myself a while ago and then stopped posting for a bit, but I thought since I have a bit of time, I would finally share my extimony: "Right, from this point, I'm going to become even more committed to God and live out what He wants me to do." This is more or less what I said to myself after putting myself through a situation where I had hurt someone deeply, just before I had started at university. I had said this to myself many times over the years but this was the last time I sincerely meant it. It was only after this that my faith really started to fall apart. Christianity was always a part of my life in some form. I have been raised in Protestant Christianity from about the age of four, attending church and later a Christian school during my high school years. Until somewhat recently, God was always a given in my life. Even though I rarely 'felt God's presence' during worship at the Pentecostal church services I attended, I still felt deeply convicted even when I had done something relatively minor or felt not committed enough. That was my 'proof' that God was there. I was still quite a curious person though and would seek information on the internet about all sorts of random topics. Therefore throughout my teen years, I was well aware of Christmas having its roots in Pagan traditions, for instance. By the time I had started university I was already somewhat liberal in my beliefs, in contrast to many others in my life. I didn't have a problem with homosexuality, for one thing. Nevertheless, I still decided to join the Christian group at the uni. But rather than have the effect of strengthening my faith like it seemed to do for so many others, I found myself questioning even more things. Much like I had been raised with, they believed the Bible was the infallible Word of God. But I noticed how this doctrine didn't make sense to me anymore. How could some imperfect humans perfectly transmit what God wanted to communicate? How is the Bible the Word of God just because it says so? I did attend a few of the camps with the Christian group. By the second one I went to, I caught myself staring at a sheet of questions we had to answer concerning what God was saying to us as we read the Bible. I suddenly realised that I didn't feel like God was communicating with me at all. For the several months following I expressed to some believers here and there I was working through doubts. I didn't go into much detail as I didn't want to admit I couldn't see myself as a Christian in the future. Even still, I stayed involved in both church and Christian Union. On the side, I started looking around at more atheistic and skeptical material on the internet, as well as deconversion testimonies. Even though I continued to act like I truly believed, it was becoming quite clear to me that I was losing my grip on the faith. All the random things I had learned over the years and my recent revelations had culminated to a point where I could no longer conclude the truth was in Christianity. It took me confiding in a non-Christian friend before I started slowly making steps out of my involvements and coming out to the Christians in my life. In some way, I am still deprogramming. Sometimes I worry that the Christians around me are actually right. I also am still coming to terms about the finality of death. But aside from that, I no longer feel intense guilt about small things that I had done in the past. I no longer wonder whether I've truly given my heart to Jesus or I've read my Bible enough. I now have full reign over my own life and do not need a God to have it figured out for me. Surprisingly, that is much more freeing. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted October 4, 2014 Moderator Share Posted October 4, 2014 wanderingthoughts, thanks for sharing your story. The extimonies are so helpful to the next newcomer and for people like me who still love to be validated that I am not alone in the fact of doubting the christian god. I think you have found a 'home' where you can write out all your concerns. We here at EX-c totally understand. I'm looking forward to hearing more about the new journey you are on. It can be a bumpy ride but very 'freeing'. You may go through a bit of cognitive dissonance when putting your new 'world view' together. That was the hardest part for me because I did not know what to believe anymore. We are here for you. The support on this board is amazing. Big hug for you today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnFundEd Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Thanks for sharing your story, wanderingthoughts. You are most certainly not alone. Reading extimonies like yours makes me reminisce about the 50 years I spent in christianity, and makes me wonder why I didn't see the inconsistencies way earlier than I did. I guess I was just so heavily invested in the lies that I couldn't afford to actively question - even (as in your case) the questions were right there all the time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
directionless Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Thanks for the extimony, Wanderingthoughts. You sound more rational and logical than me, so it makes it hard for me to relate to your extimony to be honest. (I'm jealous.) There is so much variety in personalities and beliefs. I hope you keep posting more of your thoughts and experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Deconverting during University is a great time to do it! You're now an adult, and you're not even half way through your studies. Please take full advantage of your opportunity to get a secular, humanistic, and atheistic education. Take some sociology and anthropology classes that are going to wake you up to the complexity of life and human experience. Good luck, Great job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Welcome. The deprogramming will progress naturally - just keep reminding yourself every time Christian dogma intrudes of its' irrationality and of the things that make good sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 "In some way, I am still deprogramming. Sometimes I worry that the Christians around me are actually right. I also am still coming to terms about the finality of death. But aside from that, I no longer feel intense guilt about small things that I had done in the past. I no longer wonder whether I've truly given my heart to Jesus or I've read my Bible enough. I now have full reign over my own life and do not need a God to have it figured out for me. Surprisingly, that is much more freeing." Welcome! It does take time. I've been out for about 6-7 years. I don't really have fears of the believers being right, but do still sometimes have Christian songs pop into my head (whereupon I beat them soundly and send them packing). It really is amazing to breathe freely without a god shaking his head at my thoughts all the time, and having to apologize for being human and liking sex. My mind went quiet, and the invisible war that believers imagine constantly went *poof!*. My creativity took off and life has been a lot more fun. Here's to your freedom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderingthoughts Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 wanderingthoughts Thanks for sharing your extimony. I appreciate what you've been through and the fact that you've taken control of your life to chart your course, free of Christian religion. Your story is inspiring, and I'm sure that other people will be encouraged and motivated by it. I hope you will find a supportive community at ex-c. And I've enjoyed chatting with you and hope to see you in the chat room again sometime. Peace, Human Thanks Human! wanderingthoughts, thanks for sharing your story. The extimonies are so helpful to the next newcomer and for people like me who still love to be validated that I am not alone in the fact of doubting the christian god. I think you have found a 'home' where you can write out all your concerns. We here at EX-c totally understand. I'm looking forward to hearing more about the new journey you are on. It can be a bumpy ride but very 'freeing'. You may go through a bit of cognitive dissonance when putting your new 'world view' together. That was the hardest part for me because I did not know what to believe anymore. We are here for you. The support on this board is amazing. Big hug for you today! Thanks Margee. I'm feeling quite accepted here. Thanks for sharing your story, wanderingthoughts. You are most certainly not alone. Reading extimonies like yours makes me reminisce about the 50 years I spent in christianity, and makes me wonder why I didn't see the inconsistencies way earlier than I did. I guess I was just so heavily invested in the lies that I couldn't afford to actively question - even (as in your case) the questions were right there all the time. Yeah, it's a bit difficult to navigate your way out of when it's essentially all you've known and your life has been lived by it. At least you found your way out, there are far too many who don't. Thanks for the extimony, Wanderingthoughts. You sound more rational and logical than me, so it makes it hard for me to relate to your extimony to be honest. (I'm jealous.) There is so much variety in personalities and beliefs. I hope you keep posting more of your thoughts and experience Thanks directionless. I can be at times, but I'm jealous of those who have researched even more than I have about Christianity and can find more logical reasons than I have, haha. There were also some other things that were more emotionally driven that influenced my deconversion that I didn't really go into detail with, but I may at some point as I keep talking to you all. And I think the great thing is that there is so much variety in experiences. That way, there's something for all types to relate to as they find answers. Deconverting during University is a great time to do it! You're now an adult, and you're not even half way through your studies. Please take full advantage of your opportunity to get a secular, humanistic, and atheistic education. Take some sociology and anthropology classes that are going to wake you up to the complexity of life and human experience. Good luck, Great job! Yes, I think so too! It made it much easier by not being in some sort of Christian environment almost 24/7 like I was the year before. It seems I didn't make it entirely clear that after this semester, I'm halfway through my four-year degree. My deconversion happened in just over a year. I wish there was a bit more room to take more electives such as those, but since I'm studying Education as well, I have to stick to subjects in my Psychology major and English minor so I can teach them. I did take a Sociology class in my first year and even some stuff in that opened my eyes a bit. But I feel like I'm taking advantage of it by choosing a Psychology major anyway. Also, I figure I can look into other disciplines in my own time. The internet and uni library access is great for that Welcome. The deprogramming will progress naturally - just keep reminding yourself every time Christian dogma intrudes of its' irrationality and of the things that make good sense Thank Ellinas. That's what I've been doing and it's certainly become easier to remind myself now than when I first started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderingthoughts Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 "In some way, I am still deprogramming. Sometimes I worry that the Christians around me are actually right. I also am still coming to terms about the finality of death. But aside from that, I no longer feel intense guilt about small things that I had done in the past. I no longer wonder whether I've truly given my heart to Jesus or I've read my Bible enough. I now have full reign over my own life and do not need a God to have it figured out for me. Surprisingly, that is much more freeing." Welcome! It does take time. I've been out for about 6-7 years. I don't really have fears of the believers being right, but do still sometimes have Christian songs pop into my head (whereupon I beat them soundly and send them packing). It really is amazing to breathe freely without a god shaking his head at my thoughts all the time, and having to apologize for being human and liking sex. My mind went quiet, and the invisible war that believers imagine constantly went *poof!*. My creativity took off and life has been a lot more fun. Here's to your freedom! Thanks Fuego! Oh yes, Christian songs come into my head all the time! It doesn't really help that one of my Christian housemates play Christian music most of the time and when I visit home regularly, my mum has Christian radio playing. Drives me mad! But I play excessive amounts of regular music just to make up for it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BinkleyBoo Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 welcome, wanderingthoughts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderingthoughts Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 welcome, wanderingthoughts Thanks BinkleyBoo, nice to meet you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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