srtamas Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 So, I realized in 8th grade that I was not a Christian, by my church's and family's standards, and that I didn't want to be. The problem is that I continued to fake it for the sake of keeping my family off my back (they are born-again Southern Baptist Christians). In so doing, I continually defended Christianity and my parents' political beliefs that were based off of it. Basically I knew that I was faking but 7 years of faking something really well makes it really wear on you. I haven't come out to my family yet, as I am a college student and the job I have working for my dad is the only way I can afford school, but I fear that I will not be able to intellectually separate myself from all the things I "believed" for the past 7 years. Over the years I have realized that the reason I did not want to be a Christian was because I did not want to cede control of myself to anyone, not because I no longer believed. So I am stuck in this place of not wanting to believe but not being sure that I don't still. It has affected me tremendously, in that I often fall into pits of feeling like I have no purpose, for a few weeks at a time, realizing that I don't truly want anything and that I no longer have something that I can strive for (even if I was faking it all along). I wonder how, if God is love, that I could love anyone, my boyfriend, my best friend, myself, the world. I haven't been able to easily set aside the beliefs just because I rejected the church. In addition, it's even harder because I can't completely separate myself from those influences. My dad's company only hires Christians, and he is also providing some additional financial contribution toward my college education, so I feel compelled to play nice. However, since I was 16 I have imagined leaving my family behind and never seeing them again. They bring too much stress and shame into my life. There was a period of time during high school in which I could barely have a face-to-face conversation with my dad without crying. Not because he did anything to me, but because the stress of being around him and feeling like I had to be his perfect little girl was overwhelming, to the point where I often felt paralyzed, and then would proceed to cry about it. As the oldest of 11 kids (my mom believes that every hormonal type of birth control is an abortifacient), I have always felt pressure to do things exactly right, whether my parents intended it or not. It is just hard because I know that my parents did not hate me or mistreat or neglect me, in fact they claim to love me very much and I believe that they do in their own way, and so the idea of hurting them immeasurably but helping me immensely by cutting is very difficult to master. I could give examples of how my family has caused me pain and distress, but that would make this long post even longer. Suffice it to say that while I might occasionally mourn the loss of seeing my very youngest siblings growing up (as they have not had time to be anything harmful to me, I harbor no ill will towards them), I would be very happy never seeing my family again after I graduate from college. How have you overcome the lingering beliefs that have hung on after you left the church? And how have you handled dysfunctional and painful relationships with your Christian families? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Welcome to ex-C! That belief stuff went away when I became an atheist. I needed to get rid of it because it was making me depressed and crazy. Anyway I still have a lot of fundie family (including my cousin who is a Southern Baptist preacher) so I simply avoid the topic and live far away. Works for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ric Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 The apparent willingness to abandon the family, lacking any reason other than how you "feel," would make me wonder if there's more than Sunday School being considered here. I'm not smart enough to take it any further, but I'd encourage you, or anyone else, to hold onto family relationships if at all possible. And we must admit, reluctantly, that there's always at least two sides to the story. The younger version is typically the more dramatic version. But, that's just the "dad" coming out of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Welcome to ex-c We're glad you're here. I haven't had issues with belief as often as it sounds like you have. I think you have done really well to get through the last 7 years without letting your guard slip around family. I hope you find a way to be yourself and live your own life while still having some contact with family, if possible. But if they make your life extremely difficult then do what you need to do to be safe. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burny Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Welcome to ex-C! That belief stuff went away when I became an atheist. I needed to get rid of it because it was making me depressed and crazy. Anyway I still have a lot of fundie family (including my cousin who is a Southern Baptist preacher) so I simply avoid the topic and live far away. Works for me. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I'm afraid getting away may be your only option, long term. Not had a problem with lingering belief. I deal with Christian family by doing the bear minimum I need to do to keep the peace (which boils down to surprisingly little - basically sitting in church on Sunday) and biding my time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparklingphoenix Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Hi! Welcome to xC. I'm pretty impressed you were able to pretend for 7 years while living with family. I think I would have lost it...What is it about xtianity that you still believe in? Maybe what would help you to sort it all out in your mind is if you do some research to disprove all the religious claims. I deconverted for a lot of reasons, mainly because all of the xtian claims and arguments fell apart in my mind, so my trouble was not being able to hold on to any religious beliefs. It seems you already want to reject xtianity and have felt that way for such a long time so you could try to delve into what it is about xtianity that you don't like and maybe it will help you unravel the belief system in your mind. If you have a good and loving family, hopefully there wouldn't be a need to leave them behind and maybe you could come out to them later, but if they are unhealthy and can't be respectful of you and your beliefs, thats another story... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skepticjess Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I can relate to a lot of your story. I've had to also pretend that I am a believer for the past four years to my family and friends. I would perhaps suggest waiting a little longer when you're financially independent as well as until you have sorted it out your thoughts and beliefs to share this with your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 It sounds simple to me. Get yourself in a position where you will be financially independent. Maybe after you have graduated and gotten an independent job away from your dads company. Then you will be able to "come out" from a place where you can support yourself. Having financial freedom will give you power to be yourself. It will also lessen any stick your family can wield. Until then lie as you always have. I think having an exit plan and making it real (scanning job adverts, preparing for interviews, doing your resume, getting an internship) will make things more bearable. Also try to build your social networks away from Church / Christianity so you have a place to go to. This is especially easy to do at college. Prepare for the life you want now and try for a gradual transition. Stopping work in your dad's company and getting a job elsewhere would be a good start. Then moving out into dorms / student houses could be another step. All the while keeping up the good "Christian" pretense with your family. Huge sudden transitions can make stressful situations traumatic and should be avoided where possible. Unfortunately as an adult you will have to make uncomfortable decisions that are right for you. No one will look after you and create for you the life that you want. And whatever decision you make, someone somewhere will disapprove. But then others will approve. And you will naturally gravitate towards these people and feel better about life. It could very well be that your family, your parents are not in this group of people (my mum is not). Then you will have to manage the relationships the best you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Actually, have you tried testing the waters with your dad? Like mentioning something about Christianity that you disagree with? Or asking him if there is anything about the faith he struggles with? Is he the sort to place faith before reality? What is his faith about EXACTLY? You might have more leeway than you think. He may understand that a young person might want to experiment etc. My atheist cousin, has a Christian mom who places reality first (her faith is an adjunct to the day to day) and would never ex communicate her for being an atheist. They have a pretty good daughter / mother relationship. She also knows I am an atheist and hardly ever goes there (Christianity), and if then only in passing. She is nice! My mom is a fundie and places the faith and the bible before reality. She TRIES to have a good relationship with me, but often because she is a fundie, is unbearable and suffocating. But the intent is still good. Generally though, I stay away and keep things to major functions only. I would never call her up and ask her advice for anything, nor try for some general chit chat because I would be bible bashed. Not directly mind, but she can't help being herself, and her fundie values seep out of every sentence and every bit of "enlightened" advice. It could be your mom and dad MIGHT be more accepting than you think? That would also be a huge burden off you, and you may be able to stay close to them. Maybe test the waters a bit first? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdparker520 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I was in a similar place in terms of emotions and beliefs during my junior year of high school. I had not intellectually dismissed all the claims of Christianity, but I did not want to submit myself to the religion. I was also in a Southern Christian family with high pressure to conform and was depressed much in the same way you describe. Eventually, the emotional pressure was too much. I cracked, and had an emotional breakdown that resulted in my full conversion to Christianity. It took me 8 years to undo the damage and renounce my faith. From my experience I absolutely agree with those who suggest that you should gain financial independence ASAP. Living without the fear of your livelihood being sabotaged for your beliefs is immensely freeing. On the other hand, I would urge extreme caution about testing the waters by mentioning some disagreement with Christianity. Your parents sound fundamentalist enough that minor doubts would cause them to start worrying about your eternal soul. Once that starts, the pressure to conform increases drastically, which makes everything so much harder. At least that's what happened to me when my parents caught wind of my doubts. Also, I absolutely empathize with knowing that cutting your parents off would hurt them way more than it would hurt you. There comes a point when someone's "love" has hurt you so much you just can't care anymore. Personally, I would recommend physical distance. It's about the least hurtful way to reduce your contact with someone. Obviously that's not so practical now, but once you graduate it could be an easy solution. Finally, I too have spent weeks wallowing in depression over feelings of purposelessness. It sucks. It really, really, really, sucks. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that - it's not something I would wish on anyone. The truth, however, is that the "purpose trap" is of Christian making, and it's not real. Christianity convinces us that we have to have some grand, ultimate purpose in our lives for anything to matter. That's simply not true. Sometimes my purpose is to enjoy a beautiful day. Sometimes it is to solve a hard problem at work. Other times it is to care for my son. Other times it's to relax and goof off. None of these things qualify as the grand purpose of my whole life, but that's ok. Every part of my life has its own purpose. Life is worth living because it is awesome in and of itself, not because it works together for some grand, cosmic "purpose". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 srtamas...the oldest girl child of eleven children...my dear, so am I! Such a strong yearning to leave the family never to see them again, yet wishing to see the younger ones grow up because they haven't been around long enough to hurt you...how I identify. There's so much more going on here than religious stuff. Religion just exacerbates an already stressful situation. This is totally beside the point of your OP and you don't have to answer if you don't wish, but I wonder if your mother ever had help caring for and raising all these babies or if you had to be that help. Also, have you ever had opportunity to live away from your family for several weeks or months at a time? Those things helped me enormously but were beyond my control; they were ordained by my parents. Even so, I had major responsibilities with childcare. I guess I feel we have so much in common because of the large family. I better close this rambling and read the other posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I've read the other posts now and don't really know what to add. I look forward to your feedback on the comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MightyLikely Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'd like to respond to this part of your post: How have you overcome the lingering beliefs that have hung on after you left the church? I'm not sure you ever completely purge the old beliefs -- and it's not necessary unless those beliefs aren't a good fit for you. Not everything Christians teach is garbage. Sure, I disagree with their whole cosmic scheme, the meaning of life and nearly everything, but besides all that, there are some good ideas mixed up in all the babble and nonsense. The cool thing about being an ex-Christian is you can take anything with you that you want and dump the rest. I still run into hidden assumptions that jump out and say "boo!" and I go "Oh, there I go thinking like a Christian." I like it when I recognize it, but don't worry too much when I don't. Christianity is my history, my family roots. I can become a druid and a part of me will still have been shaped by having come from Christianity. And that's ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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