I'm Mostly Blind, But Now See Much More Clearly

[AlwaysGrounded]

Before I start, don't let the blindness be a distraction.  My vision has recovered enough in the center to allow me to be a fully productive citizen; I just have no peripheral vision.  Now, with that out of the way, my story...

 

I went blind mid-life, although as I said, today I do have enough vision to function.  This was the final straw that led to my decision to de-convert. In spite of my condition, I feel fantastic and free, no longer bound by the chains of my former religious devotion.  It's apparent now that the truth shall set you free.

 

I am simply looking for a community of open-minded thinkers that I can learn from, vent to, and generally express myself while I try to find simplicity in what seems to be a complicated life I've found myself in.

 

Where am I and how did I get here?  Probably nothing remarkable about my path, mostly the same tired story.  I am "saved", fall head-over-heels in love with Jebus and his church.  Volunteer most of my time and tons of my hard-earned cash for a cause I completely believed in and trusted.  Met my pastor's sister when she visited my church one day (now he's been my brother-in-law for 22 years).  My wife's dad was a Pentecostal Pastor forever.  My younger sister is still deluded and my younger brother thinks like I do today.  8 years ago I lost my eyesight and during the first 2 years after that I was told a million times that I had already been healed and just needed to "receive".  My retina specialist doctor had a different opinion, and so far his opinion has been much more accurate.  I drifted quickly away from "my salvation" and pure doubt settled in hard.  Only then, while blind, did I truly begin to see. My eyes were broken, but they were opening.

 

After my father-in-law passed away, we moved my mother-in-law in with us.  That was 4 years ago.  

 

Today I dread Easter/Christmas/<insert any religious thing> because I refuse to rip my mother-in-law's 83 year old heart out since she has invested her entire life in this fantasy.  I don't advertise my changed mind and don't openly criticize their actions and beliefs.  I find some way to be distracted at dinner because a blessing must be said (and I can't force myself to do it).  I show up late to the table every single day.

 

My wife still attends church with her mom - I just can't make myself do that either.  She drags our daughter with her (my son is a 19 year old free thinker and I'm very proud).  My 11 year old though....  I want her to decide to think critically on her own; but, I do plant seeds when I can.  Just as questions:  "If you believe there's no such thing as ghosts, why do you think there's still room for One?  If there's one, couldn't there be bazillions?  If there's not bazillions, maybe there's none?" (remember, she's 11).  Oh, my wife is aware of my change of heart but she still trusts me and our relationship is strong.

 

Sorry for rambling.  I need a place to share my (very scattered) thoughts though.  I'm optimistically nervous about criticism, but I need to know what mistakes I'm making so I can try to fix it.  I need to know I'm (approaching) normal.  Obviously I'm not afraid to change my mind and I expect all other nudges in thought patterns will pale in comparison to deciding to deny the existence of god(s).  I've already found comfort browsing the forum and look forward to participating.

[StJeffTheIncomprehensible]

Hi AlwaysGrounded,

 

Glad to have you here. It sounds like you've overcome a lot in your life--by the help of others and your own strength, not by the help of a make-believe god. I hope you will find much here to help you, even if it's just a place to come a vent. We understand. Welcome!

[EyesOpened]

Welcome to Ex-C. Glad you made it and thanks for sharing your story.

[Llwellyn]

Grounded -- your way of thinking is a lot like mine -- the thought that all of the infinite possibilities of existence means that we should stick to only the most basic fixation of belief.  We believe in naturalism precisely because anything is possible.  The key is to belief only those things that serve as devices that work a manageable structure into the flux of experience, and only to the degree that they do.  Beliefs, then, are norms governing efficient logical regimentation, and not certainties or absolutes.

 

I'm kind of amazed to hear that your household is such a diverse population in terms of God-belief.  I guess it is working out relatively effectively -- glad to hear it!  I'm also surprised to hear that your wife is not freaking out when you plant the seeds of critical thought in your 11 year-old.

 

Welcome.

[yunea]

Welcome to Ex-C!

[TrueFreedom]

Welcome, AlwaysGrounded!  

[amateur]

Welcome, AlwaysGrounded!  This is a great place to share scattered thoughts!  It's a great place to think things through until you do feel less scattered.

[AlwaysGrounded]

I seem to struggle a lot with tolerance.  On one hand I want to say "if you want to believe in fairy tale rubbish because it makes you feel better, go ahead", on the other hand I almost feel angry that some smart people don't see through it.  And just tonight at a function at my daughter's school, they name a king and queen which seems like a big deal for the kids - and that's fine.  As they introduce the candidates, the speaker reads a brief intro including favorite food, hobby, etc.  "My hero is...." for SO MANY was jebus or god "because he is always there for me" or <insert your favorite proselytizing quote here>.  Makes me bite my tongue.  Nobody said Sasquatch or Santa Claus (because of course THAT would be crazy), although one kid said Superman - I'm ok with that one.

 

Maybe I'm getting bitter because I want to share openly my new-found freedom, but I can't.  My mind feels fantastic!  And I want everyone to feel so free.  I'm also embarrassed that I too walked that path.  It took a real kick in the teeth to wake me up though.  I teetered on Agnosticism for a couple years thinking that I just needed to "settle" on a definition of god.  Maybe the universe is god, or maybe we'll never have a reasonable definition of god.  But then I decided that if the definition of god could be arbitrary, maybe I don't need that definition either.  And if it can't be defined, maybe it doesn't exist.  And here I am.

 

Thanks for the welcomes!

 

AG

[00LukeMan]

I sympathize with your frustration. I too want to shout from the rooftops the good news that we're it, no god, no demons, no magic, just people. I want to share all the magnificent and freeing discoveries I've made about Christianity with my Christian friends and family, but that wouldn't do. It would be wrong to tear their beliefs apart, I can only encourage them to think critically and share when they ask.

On the subject of heroes, I wish someone would have picked sasquatch, since there's a touching tale to go with it:

[AlwaysGrounded]

ROFLMAO!  Love the cartoon!  Obviously I knew the original story so was anticipating the end the entire time.  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I have a "Footprints" picture hanging on a wall somewhere in this house.  And.... the "Character is who you are when no one but god is watching", and.... the old Joshua "As for me and my house, we will serve the lord".  And probably tons of other trinkets and symbols that shout piousness to any visitor of my home.  Ugh.

 

I think it would be too much to gather and hang posters of most of the images in this awesome thread, which is how I found this site.

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/67133-things-atheists-post-on-facebook/

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

Way I see it, you can't choose peoples' beliefs from them so no point in stressing over it.  At least you seem to have more openness in your family than quite a few here.