Aiyana Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 OK, so this is probably going to make me sound crazy as fuck, but whatever. So for many years now (like, since childhood), I have played a little game with myself in my mind. I pretend that my life has an audience. I like to mix it up... sometimes I'll start out like I am simply being observed, like my life is a Truman Show, and I'll pretend that people have to guess things about me by the "clues" they see. Other times, I'll "narrate". I'll be like, "Hi, welcome to my life, this is my house, that's my youngest daughter, etc., etc." I do the former more often than the latter. I also mix it up with who I'm pretending my audience is. Sometimes I'll pretend it's the whole world... again, a la Truman Show. Sometimes I'll pretend it's a few select people. A lot of the time, I'll have a brief encounter with a stranger in a grocery store or something, and then I'll pretend that particular person is able to continue watching my life after I leave the store. Sometimes, I'll pretend that my audience is comprised of people from the past or the future. Pretending that it's people from the past is especially fun, because I pretend they are trying to figure out what cars and computers are and shit like that. Or, I'll pretend that my audience speaks another language, and they have to figure out what I'm saying. I begin a new "episode" of this game about once a day, or maybe once every two or three days. I always quit the instant my life isn't "perfect". Like, if I begin the game with someone I spoke with at a store, I'll quit as soon as I get to my car, because my car is messy, and I don't want my "audience" to "see" that. However, if my car were clean, I'd keep playing. But then I'd quit when something else "imperfect" happened. It's only a fun game if I am "impressing my audience". So here is where it gets really crazy (like it isn't already, lol)... my problem is that I've started noticing a pattern. I've noticed that when I play my game, bad or "unlucky" stuff seems to happen. Like, every single time. I'll pretend I have my audience, and within 15 minutes or so, I'm fighting with my husband, or one of my kids gets hurt, or something like that. I try to tell myself that there couldn't possibly be any "power" anywhere causing this to happen, but the same magical thinking mentality that told me in my xian days that coincidences were "signs from God", tells me that there's something more than coincidence behind bad stuff happening when I play this game. I've even gone so far as to ask myself if there is a higher power that wants to teach me to "let go of perfectionism", and that as long as I only want to show the world the "perfect" side of my life, this power will keep throwing bad shit in to teach me that I can't ever be perfect. You might be asking by this point why I don't just stop playing this game. The answer is because I am pretty much OCD as fuck, and my brain actually finds this game terribly fun and stimulating. But my question is, what is a rational explanation for why bad stuff seems to coincidentally happen when my brain plays this game? Is it merely pattern-seeking? The same shit that tripped me out when I was xian? Fuck. Now that y'all probably think I'm insane, I'm gonna go count some ceiling tiles, lol. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violetbutterfly Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I don't think you're insane at all. Have you ever tried to keep track of how often these same things happen (fighting with your husband, one of the kids gets hurt, etc) when you aren't playing the game? Maybe you are only noticing the "imperfections" because you are looking for them. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarriorPoet Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 This sounds like a classic case of confirmation bias. Confirmation bias isn't something that insane people do, it is something that everybody does. The human brain is hardwired for pattern recognition, but very often gets it wrong. Example: sudden loud sounds can be scary, but they they are usually harmless. When they happen, our "fight or flight" instincts kick in to get you ready to perform the necessary actions that you would need to take to survive if the situation is actually dangerous. Our brains use these mechanisms in all aspects of our lives and we unconsiously take special notice when events seem to be related. People fight with their spouses, my wife and I have had a few rows ourselves. Kids get hurt, that is practically their job. There is nothing out there that is influencing when these types of things happen. Maybe you think that you are noticing a pattern that seems to line up right now, but if you give it enough time and pay enough attention, you will notice that playing your game really has no effect on the events that happen in your life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bruisermel Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 As I was reading your post I was thinking, ohhhh she has OCD and needs to talk to someone about that! And then you said it...sooooo, for an OCD tendencied brain I think the games sound like a normal OCD coping mechanism. Have you talked to a counselor about this? I agree with the other posts, but could it also be this game distracts you from reality and your husband picks up on that and gets irritated, hence more fighting, or you lose sight of your kid, hence an injury (or your kid notices you are distracted and does something to get your attention and gets hurt)? If that's the case it may be worth looking into talking to a counselor to help you break this habit and find a different coping mechanism/OCD treatment. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 I've never been formally diagnosed with OCD. I just really have no doubt whatsoever that I have it. Not only do I do this weird shit, but I do tons of other weird shit. I've talked about it a bit in another thread. No, I have never brought this stuff up to a counselor. I am actually in counseling right now for some marriage stuff, but I get kind of scared to open up about this kind of thing. Especially since my counseling is paid for by the government... I get freaked out about sounding crazy on file. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Is there a way you can talk to a health professional about it without it being on a file that others might be able to access? I know that's not likely in the US though. As I was reading your OP I was also thinking that sounds like OCD. I don't have it but, one of my family members does and, from what I've gleaned, medication seems to be able to really help with it. It also might be good for your husband to understand that if you have OCD, he might need to cut you some extra slack at times. As for the apparent pattern you describe, I concur with the others, it seems confirmation bias is the most likely explanation. We all do this, is how our brains have evolved. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moanareina Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I think also it is good to see a doc for the OCD. As for why you feel like every time you pretend to be perfect something happens that shows you you are in no way perfect can be confirmation bias like described by WarriorPoet. I also see some other aspect of it. Like when you think you are perfect the imperfect just sticks out more because you are focusing on the extremes. And if you feel or think you where perfect it is also more likely to get into conflicts because no one really likes "perfect" people. Either they avoid them or they argue with them. I don't think there is anything with fate or Gods or mystery involved. But I do think we get reminders about how we are not perfect and how we don't need to be. How we are just great and good enough the way we are if we accept things the way they are. To not accept our imperfections is making them big in our minds. Like when you see a pimple and you focus on having the perfect skin this fucking pimple is ruining your whole face. But when you accept that your skin is a living organ that creates pimples once in a while you are happy to only have one pimple and the rest of your face looks just fine. Also if you think you need to be perfect you see imperfection in those around you...because you judge yourself hard you judge everyone else the same. More potential for conflict... When you are able to accept an imperfect life it is easy to accept others to be messy for example or to be late or whatever. There will be less conflict because people are taking you the way you take yourself and them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 All right, so what I'm gathering here is that no one else does this audience thing? Haha... I was halfway hoping people would be like, "Oh, I do that, too." Yeah, I'm sure you guys are all right about the confirmation bias thing. Also, I don't know that I'd ever want to go on meds or anything. The stuff I do that is OCDish isn't really too bad. My audience thing is all a game of pretend that I actually find fun, and my other things are pretty mild comparatively. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 All right, so what I'm gathering here is that no one else does this audience thing? Haha... I was halfway hoping people would be like, "Oh, I do that, too." Occasionally when I am really, really board or unmotivated. There is nothing insane about making up a mental game to fight boardroom or motivate yourself. You know it is just a game you made up. Now if you started to believe it was real and this belief interfered with you life that might be a delusion worth worrying about. But apparently when Christians think angels are recording their life and all their deeds are written in the Lamb's Book of Life that is simply religion. If you play your game all the time then of course you are going to be playing it when bad things happen. If you believe the bad luck pattern happens then you are going to ignore the times it doesn't happen. But really fighting with a spouse and kids getting hurt are not unlucky things. Rather, they happen constantly. I have to yell at my kids and threaten to punish them sometimes as often as every 5 minutes to discourage dangerous behavior and even still they manage to do reckless things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Personally, I thought stuff went wrong because you were distracted playing the game and not focusing on the real situation at hand. It happens to me all the time. I'll be thinking of my next appointment when driving and almost crash into the car infront that I didn't see had stopped. I'll bang my toe, because the door bell has gone off when I was in the middle of a poo and tried to rush to the front door. My wife would go batshit on me because she asked for my help and I was sort of emailing and sort of listening to her problem at the same time, getting neither done. Honestly, people who have half their minds elsewhere especially in customer facing roles annoy the hell out of me. I think its this simple. If you were focussing fully on the situation at hand, not playing the game, stuff wouldn't go wrong. One of the major "tests" of mental illness is if the symptoms occur over extended periods and they negatively affect your life. From the sounds of it, you seem to be in denial about the negative effects this game is having on your life. Making your husband go batshit because you were preoccupied in another imaginary world is a REAL problem if it happens consistently enough to negatively affect your relationship, regardless of how fun you find it. But only he would know about that. Maybe ask him? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moanareina Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 All right, so what I'm gathering here is that no one else does this audience thing? Haha... I was halfway hoping people would be like, "Oh, I do that, too." Yeah, I'm sure you guys are all right about the confirmation bias thing. Also, I don't know that I'd ever want to go on meds or anything. The stuff I do that is OCDish isn't really too bad. My audience thing is all a game of pretend that I actually find fun, and my other things are pretty mild comparatively. There is another thought that I actually wanted to include to my other response but then forgot... And well, I had some weird fantasies some time in my teenage years and twenties until I stopped it because it made me feel very absent from reality and isolated. Maybe that is the only concern you need to consider. About the bad things happening...I think when you are in your own little world and do mind games like this you might be less aware of what is really happening around you and therefore not be sensitive to the people around you. I know this is typical for ADHD kids/adults who get bullied or into conflict a lot because they can't see what is going on socially until they are in the middle of the disaster. My psychologist told me that ADHD had similar symptoms like OCD. So maybe another reason to check it out? This might sound a bit weird and you might think your mind is none of anyones business but just consider that your family wants you to be present here and now especially your child. It needs your full attention. As I said I did mind games when I was younger and they where harmless, no one got hurt. There where two stories. One was about me being paralyzed and everyone had to take care of me and be nice to me etc. The other one was me being a villain who got punished for the bad stuff I did doing bad things again and again and getting more evil etc. It was just a mind game. But as I also said it had a deep impact on my actual life. That's why I stopped. And it was not easy to stop because it was like a drug...for the moment it felt good. But then I wanted more. The thought of closing my eyes just for a few minutes and just today...to go on that trip again came up more often and the temptation to do so grew bigger. And my time got consumed by me lying down in the middle of a day to continue my story. My social skills I just developed in this time shrinked and my depression grew. I know we are not all the same and this is my own story. But if you see how it affects you and your family maybe you think again about checking it out. By the way, my psychologist said she saw traits of OCD with me. Now I don't know if this is part of my ADD but I ll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 All right, so what I'm gathering here is that no one else does this audience thing? Haha... I was halfway hoping people would be like, "Oh, I do that, too." Yeah, I'm sure you guys are all right about the confirmation bias thing. Also, I don't know that I'd ever want to go on meds or anything. The stuff I do that is OCDish isn't really too bad. My audience thing is all a game of pretend that I actually find fun, and my other things are pretty mild comparatively. I used to do that. It didn't stop when something imperfect happened. Usually TV shows are about conflict and drama so I could pretend whatever bad things was just part of the show. I also liked to pretend that when I was watching a TV show that the events were real and really happened in some alternative reality in the multiverse. So every TV show world actually exists in some alternative dimension. I didn't believe it, but it made it more entertaining that way. But yes, your problem sounds like confirmation bias. You are more aware of the bad things happening because they trigger for the game to end so you tend to notice them and remember them more clearly than if you weren't imagining a fake TV show in your mind at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 wyson, no, it isn't that I'm distracted, and then things go wrong... I can see how using the examples I did made it sound that way. But it could be anything. It could be getting a phone call that someone I know has been hurt, or learning that someone is ill. Stuff like that. If my kids get hurt, it's not in a "parent was distracted" kind of way, it's not necessarily hurt like from an accident, it could be illness too. So like sometimes I fear that there will be an earthquake "because" I'm playing the game, or something like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moanareina Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 wyson, no, it isn't that I'm distracted, and then things go wrong... I can see how using the examples I did made it sound that way. But it could be anything. It could be getting a phone call that someone I know has been hurt, or learning that someone is ill. Stuff like that. If my kids get hurt, it's not in a "parent was distracted" kind of way, it's not necessarily hurt like from an accident, it could be illness too. So like sometimes I fear that there will be an earthquake "because" I'm playing the game, or something like that. I don't think there might be an earthquake because you are playing that game. More like if there was an earthquake coming you could miss the signs until it was already there. And then it feels as if it came because you did the mind game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 All right, so I took your guys' advice and opened up to my counselor today about some of this stuff. I think it was a good move. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 wyson, no, it isn't that I'm distracted, and then things go wrong... I can see how using the examples I did made it sound that way. But it could be anything. It could be getting a phone call that someone I know has been hurt, or learning that someone is ill. Stuff like that. If my kids get hurt, it's not in a "parent was distracted" kind of way, it's not necessarily hurt like from an accident, it could be illness too. So like sometimes I fear that there will be an earthquake "because" I'm playing the game, or something like that. I use to be afraid that a demon was floating around in my living room. I was afraid to wander around my own house when I was alone. The cure was to realize that demons don't exist. Believing something is real can be a very powerful suggestion. This may not help your particular problem but I do want you to know you are not the only one who has struggled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 wyson, no, it isn't that I'm distracted, and then things go wrong... I can see how using the examples I did made it sound that way. But it could be anything. It could be getting a phone call that someone I know has been hurt, or learning that someone is ill. Stuff like that. If my kids get hurt, it's not in a "parent was distracted" kind of way, it's not necessarily hurt like from an accident, it could be illness too. So like sometimes I fear that there will be an earthquake "because" I'm playing the game, or something like that. Oh I had something like that after I deconverted. I was so anxious about having the armour of God stripped away, I turned to anything that allowed me to feel some semblance of control in an out of control world. Like once, my friends dad died, and I thought I caused it in someway through negative thinking or energy. Nevermind the fact he was super old, a chain smoker for 65 years who succumbed to a smoking related illness. I've come to understand now the world turns of its own accord, and apart from a small space around my life, that its something I have any absolutely no control over. Its liberating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prometheus Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 This type of magical thinking is dangerous. Don't be delusional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 This type of magical thinking is dangerous. Don't be delusional. Some people might take your comment the wrong way but it really is the cure. Christianity has so many horrible side effects and the way to fix them is to get your thinking right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted April 20, 2015 Super Moderator Share Posted April 20, 2015 I am pretty much OCD as fuck I love that turn of phrase! I'm glad you're seeing confirmation bias now, but realizing it on an intellectual level is just the first step; you will eventually embrace it emotionally and not let random coincidence bother you and you'll stop assigning meaning to each occurrence. Though you say you haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD, 'it don't take a weather man to know which way the wind blows.' OCD is very common and manifests in varying degrees. From what you've said here, it doesn't seem to be debilitating in your case. Some decent counseling should help you feel better. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chez130 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I have done the "audience game" before, so it's not totally crazy, but thinking that it can cause bad things to happen is a bit egocentric and delusional. I have some OCD tendencies, but most of them cleared up when I left christianity. Talking to your counselor is a good move. Hope they can help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparklingphoenix Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I didn't think you were insane from your post. I actually thought it was kind of cute and creative. >.< I don't have a lot of experience with OCD myself, but I think my mom has it. She wouldn't admit any weird mental things to me though. Anyways, I play games too, just not ones with audiences. I make up stories about my future or insert myself into a magical fantasy world and create characters to interact with. I let them play out mentally when I am alone and when I am trying to sleep. I have insomnia so I have always made up stories to distract myself until I fall asleep for as long as I can remember. I also used those stories as a coping mechanism to get through a very unhappy childhood. I still do that now because I still have insomnia and plenty of reasons to need a coping mechanism >_> Anyways I hope you feel less like a weirdo now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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