My Journey Through A Strange Place Called Earth

[Cyanide]

Greetings all. I am here to share you my story. A story which *trigger warning* contains self harm, depression, and other darkness. Now, onto the testimony. Its gonna be interesting. Its gonna be a long one. If you wanna hop straight into my de-conversion,go down to the second wall of text  paragraph.

 

I hated my life. And then I left the Church.

 

 

It was around two years ago. Which may not seem like a long time, but when your struggling to stay sane, it really is. I have always had anxiety problems, but then it was different. Things started to change. Paranoia, panic, fear for my life, all the time. I started to get a sever fear of people, I thought they were all going to kill me. I couldn't stand to be in a room of more than 10 people, and could barely put up my family. Eventually I started to get panic attacks, I would start crying uncontrollably, I would be possessed by so much energy that my only reaction was to flail my arms and legs around and scream. They couldn't be stopped and some of them lasted for an hour. And this happened every day. And then school started. Things got so bad, I would scream and fight and kick. I begged my parents to let me stay home. For just one day. Just one day. That soon became one more day. I ended up missing so much school, that if I missed four more days I would be held back. And my grades went to shit.And it continued, day in and day out. It never stopped. Eventually I had sucked out every ounce of hope I had left, and depression kicked in. There was nothing I wanted more than for it all to be over, just have the attacks stop, just to have it all stop. Just fade away, because you see, sadness and fear don't leave as quickly as happiness and laughter. And I became desperate for someone to talk to, because my therapist was just some old guy who just muttered "mhmm, why do you feel this way?", to be fair he helped a little, but that soon stopped. So I looked around, and I started talking to this girl. We talked about things we had in common, tv shows, some music, just basic small talk stuff. And I started talking to her about my problems, and she was supportive and always made me feel better. And as our friendship progressed I started talking more about my more serious problems, and one day I went to her when I was having severe suicidal thoughts. And she helped me through them. And then I came back with more suicidal thoughts and she helped me through them.  It was summer by now. One day I became such a danger to myself that I knew I get more help. So I went with my parents to a facility called the Stress Center. They asked me some questions and then went off to review my answers. During that time my parents came in. I soon realized that I was more likely then not about to go to the pysch ward  And I panicked. I ended screaming and telling my parents, the ones who care and feed and clothe me, that I hate them and to fuck off. Things were getting really bad. And then the lady who interviewed me came in and told me I was accepted and it was time to go into the inpatient ward. So I went, crying, upstairs and a man came up to me and went over some stuff with my parents and told me to change into some disposable scrubs. Once I was done changing, I came out and the man went over the rules and basic schedule. There was to be no electronic devices of any kind, no non religious books and no clothes with drawstrings. I realized thats to prevent suicide. Then the man told me the basic schedule, there was a lot of group therapy. A session before lunch and after lunch. I walked into the main area where four girls were watching a Disney movie. Then they showed me into my room and soon I fell asleep.  I was woken up by a nurse who came in to check my vital sings. After that, I was given a packet that contained all sorts of self exploratory stuff and coping skills and the like. Before I really got into it, I was called into the psychologist's office. He did the basic shrink stuff, and eventually asked me why I was suicidal. I said the pain was to much. And then he preceded to tell me that I was selfish, and stupid for wanting to do that. He then basically called me a spineless coward. I just cried and took it. The goddamn therapist just made me cry, and he just sat there and his assistant kept scribbling notes. Eventually I was released, and went back to the packet.  One of the activities, if it could be called that, was called the Suicide Walk. You had to describe and write about what would happen if you had committed suicide and how it would effect everybody around you. And it was heartbreaking. I realized that I was more fucked up than I thought I was. And I needed to change. During the group sessions I got to know my fellow patients. One of them was a frequent drug user, another a very sad girl, another had homicidal and suicidal thoughts about her sister and herself. And another was a betrayed girl who got messed up. I understood and felt their struggles. By the time visiting hours rolled around, my parents came in and I told them that I was all better and that I didn't want to kill myself anymore and I should go home. They refused. And eventually the patients watched another movie and then went to sleep. I sat there crying and hating myself for what seemed like an eternity. And I stayed there for another three days, and it was hell. Eventually I was released. And it was fantastic. Granted, I had to go to a three hour long group therapy session daily for a week, and then to a two hour session every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I went and then one day, I was transferred to the other therapist, along with another girl in my group. The group sessions were very personal, we went around and introduced ourselves and why we were there and then we talked about our problems and got feedback from the other patients and the therapist. It was around this time I started cutting myself as way to ease the pain, I heard about it and tried it out. I soon became addicted. It is horrible, because you feel so shitty, and then you cut, and then you feel okay for just a few minutes, then the pain gets worse. And there may not be any physical withdraw symptoms like there are with drugs, but it makes up for that by being able to happen whenever. Your one body can fuel the addiction. Im not here for pity, so lets move on. A girl came in and the first thing I thought to myself was damn, she was good looking, anyways we soon became close and now she is one of my best friends. More people came and went, and I felt an intense bond with these people. Eventually I graduated and was given a coin with a butterfly and a prayer on the back and everybody went around and told me how much I've helped them and how much I've changed. And I was sad to leave my new friends, but happy to view myself as having progressed. And then I attempted suicide. I took a big handful of painkillers but ended up gagging and throwing up. So here I am today. But I knew it wasn't an act of God that saved me.

 

 

 

NOW is where you may want to stick around or hop in if you skipped the above section. I was still depressed, and anxious, and I still hated myself. 

 

I was raised Catholic, and my parents were very religious, although we went to church around 10 times a year. And I wanted that. I wanted the sweet salvation of God and Jesus. I wanted to go to heaven and be with angels and never feel this way again. But things never clicked, I never got that spark of faith and joy everyone else had. I didn't understand why homosexuality was wrong, or how the fuck a snake talked, or why everybody but the best christians go to heaven and everybody else suffers for all eternity. I didn't understand why you would go to hell for disrespecting your parent, I just didn't get it. But I kept on believing, because I was terrified of Hell. But then, after things started dipping down a little, I turned to music as a coping method more than ever before. I listen to 'actual' metal and the emo/screamo stuff. And the lyrics actually helped me, they made me feel better. I was a part of a community of people who cope with life through this music and I loved it. And when I started to listen to super heavy stuff, I came across a genre known as Black Metal. It is really the only "satanic" metal. Some of the first bands, went around burning churches and killing people. Which I was disgusted by at the time, but then in the back of my mind I was thinking "Holy shit thats awesome!". But I needed faith, so I didn't listen to those bands, and I prayed and I was a good little Christian. I needed that faith so bad. And then came along a certain band called Marilyn Manson, nineties kids will either be rejoicing or sighing right now. Basically, he is a shock performer, who has some anti-christian lyrics but a message I connected with so strongly I almost cried. He was and still is, my role model. He went up on stage and he put on a show, and he didn't care what Christians thought. In the nineties, he was Most Wanted for "corruption of the youth".But I just kept on listening. I was still catholic at the time, but I was at a point were I was only calling myself a catholic to make myself feel better. I was never really a catholic and I knew it. But I still wanted to be involved in some kind of spiritual,not necessarily religious community. Just anything that wasn't Christianity So I looked around and soon stumbled upon something called Paganism. And I realized that this is what I have been for my entire life, I really never was christian, I was a pagan at heart. Paganism is not an organized religion, nor does it provide all the answers. So someone actually has to go out and discover things for themselves and not believe every word of some bearded guy who was actually Jewish but was also the god of the christian faith. And thats what I wanted. I wanted to discover and experience and be myself. I didn't want anything to do with this Christianity thing. I wanted to be a pagan, and I wanted to be myself and actually enjoy myself and not be oppressed by some god that loves me but also wants me in hell. And I researched more into Paganism, and I discovered Druidism and Wicca, sub divisions of Paganism with separate beliefs. But also that in Paganism, taking different things and putting them together was not just common, but respected and called being Eclectic. Thats what I wanted. To craft my religion of my beliefs in my heart. And I did. And then I realized that the thing holding me back was Christianity. I was so afraid of going to hell that I was afraid to be myself and be happy. But Ive seen hell, and you don't have to be dead to go there, and you don't have to anything wrong to go there. I was so confused about myself and so I just turned it into hate. The  hundreds of scars on my body, which are to deep to fade, are all because I wasn't comfortable to be who I am, I was so fucking upset with being an individual that that I fucking cut my own skin, an addiction that still affects me. But all this came from Christianity and God. Im not blaming my problems on this god, but saying it affected me to the point where I wasn't even satisfied to be alive. I wanted to die. And then I threw it away. All the brain washing and holier-than-thou bullshit, and the hate of literally everybody else, and i threw it out. I was done with it. And now I'm happy. Happier than I have ever been, and ever could of been have I kept up Catholicism. Now I can express myself through art ( which by the way can be found here if your interestedposthumanpaint.tumblr.com) and I dont need to cut myself or commit suicide because I know who I am and I am me. A pansexual   Eclectic Pagan who loves himself.

 

I hope this touched someone in some way. If your struggling with detaching yourself from Christianity, just think it out. Reflect and figure out if its for you. If your this far, its probably not, and you may have to trust doubt. Research other religions or just give it up entirely. Because you, yes you, at the computer screen, have a right to be happy and be yourself and anyone who tells you differently needs to fuck off. If that means forgetting Christianity then you sure as hell better do it. Your a badass you, and the world needs more of us.

 

A human much wiser than I said that Religion is like a penis. If you have one thats okay, but it doesn't make you better than someone who doesn't have one or isn't as big as yours. You can go and have fun with it but just don't go around whipping it out in peoples faces.

 

Sincerely, my ex-christian friends, farewell, and until next time, keep on keepin' on

 

-Verdelet

[yunea]

Welcome to Ex-C, Verdelet.

 

That's a lot to go through for anyone, but it sounds like you were quite young, too. I'm glad you survived.

 

You may enjoy the Ex-C Spirituality forum. Ask a mod to let you post in there.

[ConscientiousObjector]

Ouch, sounds like you've had quite a harrowing journey. Congratulations on escaping with your mind and body somewhat intact. You will find support here. Be sure to find someone to talk to if you ever think of suicide again. Depression is a b!tch!! Good luck with your new life!!!

[Leahbekah]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey and the path you're on now. I'm glad you're here

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

I hope you have now found some lasting peace and stability.

 

You are not the only pagan round here.  And I agree - make up your on mind; whatever religious or irreligious path you choose is a matter for you.  Whatever floats your proverbial boat.  My issue with evangelical religion of any description (which primarily means Abrahamic monotheism) is its' insistence that it has the only answer for everyone and the right/duty to enforce conformity.

[Cyanide]

Welcome.

 

I hope you have now found some lasting peace and stability.

 

You are not the only pagan round here.  And I agree - make up your on mind; whatever religious or irreligious path you choose is a matter for you.  Whatever floats your proverbial boat.  My issue with evangelical religion of any description (which primarily means Abrahamic monotheism) is its' insistence that it has the only answer for everyone and the right/duty to enforce conformity.

Yes, I totally agree. That's my problem with the so called "Major World Religions" they can't accept others faith