Popular Post DutchThomas Posted October 13, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted October 13, 2015 This is the same story as posted on https://losingyourbff.wordpress.com/. I will use this story to inform my friends, colleagues, etc of my deconversion. People really close to me already know. I am currently working for a Christian missionary organisation in Asia, so my deconversion is not without it's effects... We all lose things. We all have to let go. Small things like the fleeting expressions on your tongue when that sushi slides down your throat. But also bigger things, like your new shiny phone that drops on the floor and cracks all over. Sometimes though, it gets huge, and we desperately want to hold on. Ever seen the response of parents to the news that a child has died? Chances are you will hear “no, no, no, no” for a long time. Such big news takes a time to process… I have had the same type of loss. And it took me years to process the news. Five long years of saying “no, no, no, it can’t be true” to myself. Who did I lose? My BFF It was a friend so close to me, so deep in my heart, we were like BFF, Best Friends Forever. Literally. Forever. He moved with me wherever I went. He taught me the value of life, introduced me to all his other friends, and basically shaped my entire existence from early childhood on. We went out on adventures together, hooked up with others, and I became fascinated by him. I learned a lot about him, and dedicated my life to let others become friends with him as well. I even married one of his female friends. You know, he was very generous with his time, and could have as many friends as he wanted. Poly-amorous is an understatement. But my friend was no ordinary friend. You couldn’t just walk up to him and have a conversation. He would always be around, but he just never spoke back audibly. But that was okay, because he was speaking to my other friends as well and they would convey his purposes with me. Questions That Demand an Answer That was all great, until you get questions that demand an answer. “Hey, are you coming next week to my work? I want to show you something”. No answer. “Can you help my friend?” No answer. Sometimes it appeared he did come and help, other times it did not. At some point I had to start doubting my friendship with him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t that he couldn’t act. He could do absolutely anything. He just refused to do it. I realized that in fact, I had never really seen him. None of my senses actually ever registered him. Everybody talks about him, he is at the core of my being, but he is utterly silent when asked direct, tough and honest questions. But I held on. We have shared so many things together! I gather with other people every week to discuss and celebrate our friendship with him (polyamorous, remember?) and even sing songs for him. It all felt so real, our friendship. So real, so almost tangible. Part of the mystery of the friendship, I told myself. The past five years I have started to realize more and more that my BFF was a strange friend indeed. I dedicated my life to him. But while he was fully able to, he just refused to ever show up. He never came to a date. Never gave any real answer to my questions. He would not taunt me either; he was just utterly… not there. I just could not accept this conclusion. I fought it, with all my might. I even tried to make a pact: gave him a year to show up and tell me he is there. Not even personally, but just through a friend, through a secret message. Just give me a signal that we are still friends; that was all. He never did. I extended the deadline. It didn’t work. It was starting to drive me nuts. I started to feel like someone with a multiple personality disorder: happy BFF with him in public, totally confused and denying on the inside. In the end I yelled at my BFF one last time to give a signal. Anything. I was met with a total silence. Not even a single hunch, vision or feeling. My sincere questions were like a knife that had stabbed his heart. I had killed him. I have killed my best friend. My world collapsed, and I had to let go. Let It Go As you probably have guessed, my BFF is Jesus. YHWH. The Triune God. Aslan. Elyon. The Rock of Ages. The Great I Am. A few months ago I was forced to accept in my heart what my mind had discovered years before: Jesus is not the Truth, the Way and the Life. There are many things that made me doubt this, but the previous BFF story illustrates a key point of my doubts: while Jesus is supposed to have all the power in the universe, he utterly refuses to use it, even when it is most needed. He says he wants all people to know him, but then he completely hides himself. Even more, he will punish people for not accepting this hidden revelation. He claims to be good, yet supported slavery, mass-killings of innocent children and gave women fewer rights than men. I know all of the rationalizations. I have lived with them my whole life. They were part of me. But at some point, enough is enough. I don’t want to enter a discussion right now of all the arguments pro- and versus Christianity. I just know that the “pro” list was getting alarmingly short for me, and the arguments sounded increasingly unconvincing. The “versus” list was solid, and growing fast. I rarely read any anti-Christian materials. I lost my faith while reading the Bible, and studying Gods mission for the world, in a Christian college, and later a Christian mission organisation. Please don’t take this as an insult if you are BFF with Jesus. I know how it feels; you do this out of genuine love for the truth and others around you. It is just not my thing anymore. I have not left the faith because I was angry at God, living in deep sin, disappointed with the church, steeped in satanic rituals or because I lost my marbles. For me, it “simply” does not make sense anymore. Becoming Me The last few months have been an interesting rollercoaster. It is like somebody pushed the reset button on my brain, and it has to rethink everything. Purpose in life. Work. Marriage. Raising kids. Relationships. Identity. Little topics like that. Normally you take your teens to think through that and perhaps you finally figured it out by the time you are 30 or so. For me, it is all over again. The experience is absolutely unique and amazing. Daunting at first, but I now actually thoroughly enjoy it. The world has become a different place, full of opportunities, people, color, and my mind has become much more curious than it was ever before. Instead of having this ‘package deal’ worldview where everything was already figured out beforehand, where all I could do was reach the same conclusions with a little bit of wiggle room, I can now truly make up my own mind. I find it fascinating to meet new people, hear new ideas, and feel their wisdom and characters. So Now What? Practically, me and my family will go back in January to the Netherlands. For those of you that don’t know: I am working fulltime for a Christian organization in Thailand, so I will basically have to / want to quit that job. Other than that, I don’t have many plans. My wife is still a believer in God, we will have to see how we work that out (it’s not easy, I will say that much). I love to have an open future right now. Explore the possibilities. I don’t want to throw away any relationships that I have, but some have already been damaged by my radical shift. “Swayed by the devil”, some would say. “Tempted by sin”, others have said. Fortunately most people have responded well, and I’m not afraid to answer any questions. This is why I make this public news. I don’t want to hide this. I have too many friends and family to all call them one by one. I don’t like people to hear it from somebody else. A blast into the world seems more appropriate. If you are deeply committed Christian and you read this, I just hope you are not offended and we can retain a positive relationship. I have not lost my quest for the Truth, which is also what you are ultimately after. If you are not a (deeply committed) Christian, I hope it gave you some insight into how a ‘serious’ religious worldview works, and how it has affected me. I honestly believed I did the right thing by holding on to Jesus. Either way, I hope we can all treat each other like equal human beings, and see that a person is much more than their religious beliefs. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 DutchThomas, this is extremely well expressed. Your "best friend who has all power but refuses to use it or even to show up" is a great analogy. Welcome to this site. Stick around. I think you will have a lot to contribute, and perhaps, that you can get some useful ideas and support from others on here. All the best for your transition back to the Netherlands and for the next stage of your relationship with your wife. On the mission field, did you encounter events that you thought were miracles? If so, what do you think of those events now? I used to hear stories recounted by missionaries of amazing miracles. Peace, ficino Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Welcome DutchThomas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DutchThomas Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Hi Ficino, Thank you for your kind words! Before heading to Asia I was already very sceptical about miracles. My doubts began in college in Europe, while studying theology & mission. And no, I have not witnessed any miracles. On the contrary, I see here first hand how a lot of stories are just "pumped up" to look better to supporters. The more converts, the more success, the more people want to give you money. Almost nobody wants to support a missionary without fruit of his work. I work a lot with databases, and can tell you all sorts of stories on how organisations are just deliberately giving out false numbers to look bigger than they actually are. They even threaten those who dare to say anything about the falsehood of these numbers. It may actually be worthwile to start a blog on that! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Hi DutchThomas and welcome! I spent almost a decade promoting a guy from the US that claimed all kinds of miracles, including several people raised from the dead. Finding out that he was lying was the shock that (re-)started my questioning and made me unwilling to make excuses for god. The fact that his closest men also were claiming these miracles was a shock as well. I used to think that nobody would join in something they knew was a lie, but then I remembered that most cults operate this way, with people either deluded by hype or wanting to be close to the one in charge. This part of what you wrote stood out to me the most: "At some point I had to start doubting my friendship with him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t that he couldn’t act. He could do absolutely anything. He just refused to do it. I realized that in fact, I had never really seen him. None of my senses actually ever registered him. Everybody talks about him, he is at the core of my being, but he is utterly silent when asked direct, tough and honest questions." I was asking direct hard questions and fully expected real answers, but all I got was silence. If the bible were true, all of what the man had been preaching should have been really happening, but it wasn't. He had to make up stories, and he was a very good and compelling storyteller. I think he even believes them himself, which makes them seem that much more believable. But the silence of god when I needed something real was very enlightening. The same goes for those who genuinely need help with sick children or are facing cancer or amputation. Silence and inactivity. There are the occasional odd recoveries from things that don't seem recoverable, but the vast majority of believers never see even a glimmer of response. The reason is now obvious, but took a long time of ruminating over it for me to settle on my god being the same as all of the other gods of history. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 DutchThomas, welcome! What an excellent way to describe having a relationship with Jesus. I related in every way. A note on missions - I remember at the most fundamental of the churches we attended, there was a member of the missions coordinating team that caused some problems. As the team was evaluating the different missionaries and how much money was being donated to each of them from the church, one member had just one criteria: how many souls had been saved. It didn't matter if the missionaries were helping the people, educating the people, forming long-term relationships with the people, what have you. He wanted numbers, and if the numbers did not satisfy him, he was prepared to cut them off. Thankfully the other members helped him to see the bigger picture, but it made me really question the whole point of missions. If we only help people in order to put more notches on our spiritual belts, how much do we really care!? It was just one of the steps in my deconversion to see how shallow and uncaring much of Christianity really is. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Excellent! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DutchThomas Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Thank you everyone. I hope my Christian friends will be as enthusiastic but I'm afraid not... @Daffodil: that's a very well known debate in Christian missiology these days. The right wingers will just count souls that say 'yes' at some evangelistic event, and move on. The left wingers try to bring the 'whole gospel to the whole person in the whole world' (Lausanne Conference), but then they get confused about what that actually means. In my mission studies the college & me were very much left wing. However there were rarely any positive examples from real life, because 'the whole gospel' to 'the whole person' is just so vague and ambitious that nobody could claim that goal. When getting to the mission field, I started to meet a lot of these right wingers. They like everything in numbers, lists, and then hassle people to fill in the list. Because once we reach all countries people groups, then surely the Great Commission is fulfilled? Sigh. Hmm there is actually so much I could write about Christian missions that I should start a blog about it. Oh, I already have one 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deidre Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Everyone has to follow their own path, and Christians shouldn't be offended that you feel this isn't your path. Welcome to the forums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Thank you everyone. I hope my Christian friends will be as enthusiastic but I'm afraid not... @Daffodil: that's a very well known debate in Christian missiology these days. The right wingers will just count souls that say 'yes' at some evangelistic event, and move on. The left wingers try to bring the 'whole gospel to the whole person in the whole world' (Lausanne Conference), but then they get confused about what that actually means. In my mission studies the college & me were very much left wing. However there were rarely any positive examples from real life, because 'the whole gospel' to 'the whole person' is just so vague and ambitious that nobody could claim that goal. When getting to the mission field, I started to meet a lot of these right wingers. They like everything in numbers, lists, and then hassle people to fill in the list. Because once we reach all countries people groups, then surely the Great Commission is fulfilled? Sigh. Hmm there is actually so much I could write about Christian missions that I should start a blog about it. Oh, I already have one I think the left-wingers get confused because deep down inside, no matter how much they care for the "whole person", the ultimate goal is still for the person to become a Christian. However, helping the "whole person" does not automatically translate to conversions. At some point they still have to proselityze. Then the dilemma again arises as, "Are we doing this because we care or because we want more converts?" You probably know way more about that than me, though. I've had many missionary friends but was never one myself. Would love to read your blog. Can you share it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duderonomy Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Dutch T, welcome! Are those really your words? You wrote that? It's really really really good. I hope you stick around here, and as we (that is, some of us) say in west Michigan, if you ain't Dutch, you ain't much!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DutchThomas Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Hi duderonomy, Yes, those are my words. In missionary college I had to write tons of essays so by now I'm used to writing about religion in a passionate way... I just don't think they would have anticipated me using it in this manner ;-) @Daffodil: My blog is just one article now. Perhaps more in the future. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write more, what it will be about and if it makes sense to keep that in one blog. Deconversion and critique of missions are two different topics, really. I will have to wait as well till my wife is actually wanting to read the article at first, and then give her OK to publish it to friends & family. It is that sensitive to her. After most people have read it, I can start to publish more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted October 14, 2015 Moderator Share Posted October 14, 2015 Welcome DutchThomas! Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful post with us! That was excellent. We sure all can relate to your letter!! I am so happy you have found EX-c. I'm very glad that you've become a member of our family!! Best wishes in your new journey! (hug) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Welcome DutchThomas I can very much relate to your story. Well done at articulating it so clearly, I look forward to hearing more about how you get on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Welcome. Glad you explained what "BFF" means... I'm too old and grumpy to keep up with the modern lingo... Anyhow, I would imagine that working in that environment under these circumstances must be a sort of living torture. The reality is that a "deconvert" is unlikely to have many positive experiences with the "still converts", and the sooner you can distance yourself physically from the mission field, the better, I would have thought. All the best in dealing with your wife, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DutchThomas Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Thank you. I am making many new friends now, and I am now resigning from my missionary organisation and never set foot in the church again. The one luck I have is that I have good IT skills and am not financially dependend on my faith in any way. Most pastors and missionaries are in quite different situations...I keep my blog up at lostingyourbff.wordpress.com... there are more articles now, and I will continue to post there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wittyusername Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Dutch Thomas, people here understand how you feel about killing your bff. I have also made career choices based on faith ( obviously not to the same extent). I can't say to you I know the future but please have hope that you can move forward onto something positive. Mijn beste wensen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunzooh Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 DutchThomas, welcome! What an excellent way to describe having a relationship with Jesus. I related in every way. A note on missions - I remember at the most fundamental of the churches we attended, there was a member of the missions coordinating team that caused some problems. As the team was evaluating the different missionaries and how much money was being donated to each of them from the church, one member had just one criteria: how many souls had been saved. It didn't matter if the missionaries were helping the people, educating the people, forming long-term relationships with the people, what have you. He wanted numbers, and if the numbers did not satisfy him, he was prepared to cut them off. Thankfully the other members helped him to see the bigger picture, but it made me really question the whole point of missions. If we only help people in order to put more notches on our spiritual belts, how much do we really care!? It was just one of the steps in my deconversion to see how shallow and uncaring much of Christianity really is. A missionary came to speak at a church we attended. Their mission had been shut down because they had never successfully planted a growing church. The anger? disappointment? in her voice..."we were getting people saved so that when they died they would go to heaven, but that wasn't considered fruitful"... even at the time I just shook my head. Because I've never believed that the ONLY goal of Xtianity is to "get people saved so when they die they go to heaven" Even as a bible thumper, I just shook my head. Is it possible that people really think God is more concerned about what people believe, than what they do? Even the bible says "make disciples" not "get converts" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenniferG Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Thanks for sharing your experience, Dutch. Isn't it good to know that we're not the only ones who have come to our senses from believing in a man-made BFF! Thanks to the internet and forums like this that one knows one is not alone! Jesus is no longer the answer, Google is!! Fundamentalism, God and the bible screwed my life up mentally speaking. All that bowing and scraping and self-loathing. What a way to live!? I'm glad you have your IT skills to fall back on. Be true to yourself. Jennifer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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