Frustrated And Devastated

[BeauCat]

I'm mainly writing this out to help clear my head and also to vent, maybe even just to get through these feelings of pity for myself.

 

My emotional welfare is busted-up so badly and I'm having the worst time trying to keep myself together. I've never been what I considered a strong person and I feel like I've been given the shittiest of trials- I'm transgender. I have to think it's harder than being gay, because at least your family and friends still think you're ​you.

 

I realize if I transition it'll feel like I'm murdering the person my friends and family grew up with. It's understandable, because I'll have a different face, a different body, and a new name. People are so fixated on the physical, it'll be like speaking to a different person...and that person they knew and loved? Gone forever.

 

I made the stupid decision of telling my brother I am transgender, and he was so disturbed by the entire thing he didn't sleep. He told me he was so upset he told his roommate and his boss. It really wasn't information that I wanted anyone knowing but him, but I guess he felt it was so fucked up he needed to deal with it his own way.

 

When I told my brother I was drunk. I thought I needed some "Dutch Courage" to get me through it, but I think it made it worse because I lost my "filter". He tried telling me that he loves me, but he thinks transitioning is a sin, it's my cross to bear. I just got angry, something I might not have done if I was sober, I just let all my anger spill out of me like vomit-

 

"Why do I have to live in absolute misery for some stupid "attah boy" from a god I think is sadistic and his teachings are pure shit?"

 

"I don't believe in Christianity, I'm an atheist."

 

"When you say it's a sin and I have to deal with being trans in my body from hell, I am in so much pain I feel like you're completely removed from knowing what it is I'm dealing with."

 

I don't know if he heard anything I said. I got so frustrated and he was so freaked out that I told him, "Just forget I even told you." I just wanted to take it all back.

 

Now we have this mega awkward relationship. I feel so fucking depressed over it. I just want it all to end. I feel so goddamn uncomfortable and scared, and rejected. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible freak.

 

I'm tired of people saying they love me but "don't agree." Don't agree with what? Me getting rid of this horror-fest of pain? Do people not see how fucking miserable I am? You think I'm excited to put myself in a position where I will suffer heavily discrimination from my friends, my family, and society?

 

I'm so stressed out. I've lost a few friends coming out and now I feel like I'll lose my family. I haven't told my parents but if I start testosterone I know they'll react worse than my brother. I don't even know if I want to start T because I get so stressed out at the thought I'm having nightmares.

 

I feel like I'm going MENTAL.

[Jeff]

I'm sorry you are suffering. You have a really tough situation. But you can make it through.

[amateur]

I'm sorry this all happened in such a rough way to you, between you and your brother.

 

I agree with TrueScotsman above. 

 

Take care of yourself FIRST. 

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Any chance you can get away from them and find a new circle? That can be tough for anyone, but I can't imagine staying around people that are toxic to me. Hope you find a way.

[violetbutterfly]

I am so sorry you're going through this with people who are supposed to love you for who you are. I'm laying in bed unable to sleep because I'm fantasizing about all the things I wish I could shout from the rooftops about being atheist so I was nodding along in agreement reading your post. I really hope you seek out a supportive community to help you through this. There ARE people who will love you for being you and for having the courage to improve your life. Please don't give up.

[Geezer]

A friend of mine, and fellow elder in the church at that time, transitioned from male to female with complete genitalia change. He had a difficult time and I guess lost all of his friends except me. He decided, or was forced, to move to another state and start a new life. His wife divorced him and he is forbidden by his son to even contact his grandchildren. His personal life and social structure were destroyed. I think that is pretty common and probably should be expected, but this was a deeply religious family too, so that has to be taken into consideration.

 

He married a man a couple of years ago. As far as I know they are a happy couple and his husband knew he used to be a man before he transitioned. So, there is kind of a happy ending to his story.

 

I wish you the best and truly hope you find happiness and acceptance.

[BeauCat]

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm sorry I haven't responded, it's one of those things that I can't mentally revisit all the time.

 

Having friends and people who understand really makes all the difference.

[★ Citsonga ★]

KaySutt, I want to echo the fact that you are NOT a "horrible freak." You are a valuable person who deserves love and compassion. While I can't personally understand what one goes through when feeling trapped in the wrong body, I know it must be awful. It is not your fault, and you should not be made to feel bad for it. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people simply will not understand, so I wish you the best as you deal with it.

 

I hadn't shared this yet on the board, but my youngest child is FTM transgender. "She" was always a tomboy, so it didn't really surprise me too much when he told me he's "not a girl." Among friends he's taken on a male name and one of his friends is also transgender. My wife and other child (an older daughter) aren't too thrilled with this matter, but I'm hoping they'll come around. He has one cousin who is supportive, which we knew would be the case, but otherwise extended family has not been informed of this yet, so we still don't know how badly they'll react, but I'm sure it won't be easy with several of them. My own father will probably be the worst one to contend with on this matter.

 

My child went through a lot of struggles before coming to grips with who he really is. There's been a lot of therapy over the past year (primarily for an eating disorder, but it turns out that this transgender issue was a key emotional struggle that led to the eating disorder, and thankfully the eating has improved a lot). I recently made an appointment for next month with a psychologist who specializes in gender identity, and after a handful of sessions she will be able to recommend hormones if she thinks it's right for my child.

 

I must admit that this has been a little hard for even me. Not ethically, of course. I have no problems with people doing what is right for themselves; their bodies are their own, plain and simple. What bothers me is knowing how some people will view him as messed up, even though that's really not what it is. There are certain family members whom I doubt will ever refer to him with male pronouns or the new name he has chosen. And, of course, I certainly hope that no jerk ever decides to "beat some sense into her." It would pain me to no end for something like that to happen.

 

I mentioned all that because I thought that you'd be interested in knowing that someone here is dealing with someone in the same boat, and I try to understand as best as I can. You remind me of my own child (though I get the impression that you're probably older), and I wish you the best as you deal with this. I know it may not be of any significant comfort, given that I'm just a poster on a message board, and you still have your own family and acquaintances to deal with, but I really want you to realize that there are people out there who care about people in your predicament and who fully support you.

 

Good luck as you deal with all of this, and PLEASE don't let others' negativity drag you down. You are an AWESOME person!

[ax345]

"Why do I have to live in absolute misery for some stupid "attah boy" from a god I think is sadistic and his teachings are pure shit?"

 

"I don't believe in Christianity, I'm an atheist."

 

"When you say it's a sin and I have to deal with being trans in my body from hell, I am in so much pain I feel like you're completely removed from knowing what it is I'm dealing with."

 

I don't know if he heard anything I said. I got so frustrated and he was so freaked out that I told him, "Just forget I even told you." I just wanted to take it all back.

 

The things you say here are direct and completely honest.  You can't regret saying them.  You opened up to your brother and it is up to him to deal with it.  You need to give him time to deal with it, but you can't go back.  I hope you can be at peace with it all yourself, and your loved ones start to support you.

[Wittyusername]

Beau cat. Quick response typed on a phone. I have a relation who transitioned from f-m. Grew up in a family that was at church whenever the doors were open. His parents have come to be supportive of him. I'm not sure what kind of mental gymnastics they have performed to allow them to still belive the bible while at the same time loving their child but they are back to playing happy families . I am sure I was an unlikely ally as I had not publicised my deconversion, so you may find support in unexpected quarters.