Dark Scary Thoughts At Church Today

[TABA]

I went to Easter Sunday Mass with my wife today. I've gone with her most Sundays since we left the conservative Christian church about a year ago. I did wonder during the week whether I would feel some stirring of my old beliefs at Easter. Well, what I experienced was not what I expected, and it was not good, my friends.

No, it was nothing about the service itself, not the sermon, not the prayers, nothing anybody said. It was a bright, uplifting experience in some ways, but for whatever reason, my mind went to some dark places and left me feeling a bit sick, a bit scared, and very unsettled.

It was different from the beginning since it was standing room only in the foyer by the time we got there at 9:55. I had been thinking about a Bible passage that was recently mentioned by an atheist I know:

Hebrews 6:4-6: "For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt."

During the service I kept thinking about this passage, thinking "that's me they are talking about. . . one who has become an enemy of God by rejecting what he once believed". Now, I'm not saying I became convinced or even concerned that my deconversion was a mistake, but that thought was a very unsettling one.

Then my mind moved on to an idea that I've heard Christians use to explain the problem of Hell, and how it can be compatible with a loving God. I'm probably explaining it badly, but the gist of it is that you only go to Hell by choice, by freely rejecting God and by separating yourself from him. Again I started to think, "Isn't that me? I've willingly and enthusiastically rejected what I previously believed. I've even thought that I don't WANT Christianity to be true any more".

And so it went until the Mass ended. By then my mind was really churning and I was a bit nauseous - this in a guy who does NOT do emotional turmoil and who has a cast-iron stomach. If any Christians are reading this, I imagine they are thinking "Yes my friend, this is what happens when you reject the true God and turn yourself over to Satan. He's got his claws into you and the feelings you had were just a foretaste of what awaits you as you get closer and closer to Hell". All of a sudden, just a little part of me thinks this could be true, and that part came to the surface today. I did not see it coming. At the very most I had expected the beauty of the church and the nature of the Easter service to make me a bit nostalgic for my old faith. What I got instead was a dark, almost despairing detour in my mind.

Part of me is wondering now whether my unbelief is truly sincere, or if somehow I am rejecting Christianity even while deep down believing it to be true, which sounds like what the Christian apologists are describing when they talk of those who choose Hell. It doesn't even make sense, does it?

Well, all of this is not like me at all, and I have felt nothing like this in the past 3-5 years since I started my deconversion. Even last year, going to the Easter Vigil service triggered no feelings like this. Maybe this is happening now because my deconversion seems more firm and more final. While everybody's journey is different, I imagine that some of you have gone through something like this. I don't know if it's just a bump in the road or the start of something more troubling for me. Anyway, I just wanted to get it off my chest and put it out there for you to read. I still don't feel like I fully described how I felt today. I don't feel scared right now, just unsettled, like there's a shadow over me. I'm not going to dwell on it, but will let it slide to the back of my mind where my subconscious can process it. I definitely need to unwind by reading something light before I go to sleep tonight...

As always, thanks for reading, and thanks for being there!

[qadeshet]

Going to Church unsettled you? Maybe thats why, after 40 years, I have never been back. That Church crap is designed to manipulate you.

[Storm]

The things you are feeling are common. I suspect that most of the people who frequent this forum have experienced your "symptoms" on some level.

 

It is important to remember that your brain is having difficulty reconciling the major cognitive dissonance that you have been experiencing over the time your deconversion has been taking place. Our brains want to be "safe" from being uncomfortable, (and ultimately, it wants to be right), so this rift in your thinking extends from this. You know on a certain level that the things you used to believe are wrong and you are currently searching for a new set of beliefs and worldview, but your brain has associated Christianity as its worldview for so long that there is a comfort level it has established within itself. You are now changing all that. In the process of these changes, it is common for your thoughts to oscillate back and forth between the comfort of what your brain once knew and what you are heading toward in your deconversion. You will constantly question yourself and what you are doing. Its partly because that is the way Christianity works (evoking guilt and shame in those leaving the fold), but it is also just how the brain works. I want to encourage you that everything you are experiencing is normal and you aren't going to hell or "making the biggest mistake of your life" as most Christians would likely tell you.

 

In many ways, you are experiencing grief in the loss of something so significant in your life. While the stages of grief have been mostly debunked, they still ring true in some form in the life of someone deconverting from Christianity. You will likely experience Depression, Anger, you might Bargain with yourself, you may deal with Denial, etc. You will probably deal with most of these, but maybe not. But give yourself some grace. Allow how you feel to run its course. There isn't any right or wrong way to deconvert. That is the beauty of it all. And its also the scary part. The journey will take work, but its worth it.

 

I am still dealing with anger and bitterness. Its tough sometimes. I find it repulsive to be in the church I called home for more than 25 years. I still go occasionally, and I usually don't enjoy it. I enjoy some of the people that I see there, but outside of them, I don't like going. I don't see the beauty of religion in any form. I just feel angry. I hope in time that those feelings will go away and I will be able to be free finally from the grasp religion has played in my life. But I am not there yet. Being here on the forums has been a huge help. Keep plugging in here and you will find what you need.

[Margee]

Hebrews 6:4-6: "For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened,(Saved by grace) who have tasted the heavenly gift, (grace through the death on the cross) and have shared in the Holy Spirit, (we are finally free from trying to work our way to heaven) and have tasted the goodness of the word of God (through grace and not having to 'work' our way into heaven)  and the powers of the age to come (By his grace only) and then have fallen away, (feeling as if we had to work our way to heaven through ''works'', therefore insulting Christs grace and the cross) to restore them again to repentance, (By asking for forgiveness) since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt."(insult)

 

 

 

TABA, so sorry this service you visited was so unsettling. That's why I can't listen to any preaching or teachings from the bible that are taught. (in all the hundred's of christian denominations) Every christian church have ways in which to determine  what was meant by a certain version of the scripture. In the Pentecostal church that I belonged to, this scripture means exactly what it says...because they take every word literately.

 

However, in the ''grace filled'' churches (that I attended in the end before I completely got out) it was explained to me that all this scripture meant was that we would be making a mockery of christ (who had now saved us through grace by dying on the cross) but many had now chosen to go back to ''works'' trying to make our way to heaven (like the old testament required) and it was considered a high insult because jesus had now come to destroy the 'laws' of the old testament. Example: The people were still circumcising themselves when that wasn't necessary anymore because of christs' ''grace' and dying on the cross. This, according to the grace filled churches is a high insult to jesus. And according to the grace filled churches, all we had to do was ask for forgiveness for getting back into ''works' again and we would be set free again. That easy!!

 

Do you see how all the different churches can explain away the scripture? (See above in red how the grace-filled church looks at this) That is why I am even turned off by those who preach or teach 'the grace message' because it's still the same ole' foolishness of trying to interpret the bible.....even though it is a much softer version.....

 

Hang in there my friend.

 

(hug)

[Burny]

You may think you have an "iron stomach" but your emotions / feelings don't care how strong you think you are! There is a whole lot of buried 'stuff' deep within you that is trying to come out and going to church makes those feelings restless and gives them a funnel to rise closer to the surface. You've been attending church for many years and have heard many terrible things that will happen to you if you leave, since you were a small child.

 

The best way to deal with fear is to face it head-on. Instead of being scared of a Bible verse, study it. Find out who wrote that book of the Bible and why they probably wrote it. Discover once again why random words that some anonymous author with an agenda wrote 2,000 years ago don't mean anything in the real world. Discover once again, that if you were born in a different time and of a different faith, you'd be scared of a different set of God's and a different type of condemnation.

 

It's all bullshit. It's all just designed to manipulate and open your wallet so that a 'pope' somewhere can live in a castle and hear the voice of 'God' in his head to tell you even more reasons you should be scared and listen to him and him alone.

 

It's all BULLSHIT. All of it. 

[hockeyfan70]

Definitely Cognitive Dissonance. It's kind of like The Matrix, you know? When you change your belief system, there's a harsh reality to it. My whole life has revolved around church, so navigating away from church is very disorienting. And sometimes even heartbreaking. But at the same time I need to remind myself of my own thought that the church is really only concerned about what you can do for it, not for who you are.

 

I think there will be several ups and downs in this journey, my friend. 

[TABA]

The things you are feeling are common. I suspect that most of the people who frequent this forum have experienced your "symptoms" on some level.

 

It is important to remember that your brain is having difficulty reconciling the major cognitive dissonance that you have been experiencing over the time your deconversion has been taking place. Our brains want to be "safe" from being uncomfortable, (and ultimately, it wants to be right), so this rift in your thinking extends from this. You know on a certain level that the things you used to believe are wrong and you are currently searching for a new set of beliefs and worldview, but your brain has associated Christianity as its worldview for so long that there is a comfort level it has established within itself. You are now changing all that. In the process of these changes, it is common for your thoughts to oscillate back and forth between the comfort of what your brain once knew and what you are heading toward in your deconversion. You will constantly question yourself and what you are doing. Its partly because that is the way Christianity works (evoking guilt and shame in those leaving the fold), but it is also just how the brain works. I want to encourage you that everything you are experiencing is normal and you aren't going to hell or "making the biggest mistake of your life" as most Christians would likely tell you.

 

In many ways, you are experiencing grief in the loss of something so significant in your life. While the stages of grief have been mostly debunked, they still ring true in some form in the life of someone deconverting from Christianity. You will likely experience Depression, Anger, you might Bargain with yourself, you may deal with Denial, etc. You will probably deal with most of these, but maybe not. But give yourself some grace. Allow how you feel to run its course. There isn't any right or wrong way to deconvert. That is the beauty of it all. And its also the scary part. The journey will take work, but its worth it.

 

I am still dealing with anger and bitterness. Its tough sometimes. I find it repulsive to be in the church I called home for more than 25 years. I still go occasionally, and I usually don't enjoy it. I enjoy some of the people that I see there, but outside of them, I don't like going. I don't see the beauty of religion in any form. I just feel angry. I hope in time that those feelings will go away and I will be able to be free finally from the grasp religion has played in my life. But I am not there yet. Being here on the forums has been a huge help. Keep plugging in here and you will find what you need.

Storm, thanks for the response and the support! I am starting to understand - from your comments and others - the extent to which my brain/mind has been changing during my deconversion process. I and others have spoken of a spell being broken, and that IS how it feels, but I do think the deconverting mind does go through a profound reprogramming in a sense, and that is bound to be traumatic at times. Now I'm no neurologist by any means, but that does seem right. I think this also highlights the need to be gentle and patient (and above all, loving!) with our nearest and dearest who still believe, and to not underestimate the difference in how we now view the world.

 

Once again, I am amazed and moved by the supportive atmosphere here. Thank you so much.

[Storm]

 

The things you are feeling are common. I suspect that most of the people who frequent this forum have experienced your "symptoms" on some level.

 

It is important to remember that your brain is having difficulty reconciling the major cognitive dissonance that you have been experiencing over the time your deconversion has been taking place. Our brains want to be "safe" from being uncomfortable, (and ultimately, it wants to be right), so this rift in your thinking extends from this. You know on a certain level that the things you used to believe are wrong and you are currently searching for a new set of beliefs and worldview, but your brain has associated Christianity as its worldview for so long that there is a comfort level it has established within itself. You are now changing all that. In the process of these changes, it is common for your thoughts to oscillate back and forth between the comfort of what your brain once knew and what you are heading toward in your deconversion. You will constantly question yourself and what you are doing. Its partly because that is the way Christianity works (evoking guilt and shame in those leaving the fold), but it is also just how the brain works. I want to encourage you that everything you are experiencing is normal and you aren't going to hell or "making the biggest mistake of your life" as most Christians would likely tell you.

 

In many ways, you are experiencing grief in the loss of something so significant in your life. While the stages of grief have been mostly debunked, they still ring true in some form in the life of someone deconverting from Christianity. You will likely experience Depression, Anger, you might Bargain with yourself, you may deal with Denial, etc. You will probably deal with most of these, but maybe not. But give yourself some grace. Allow how you feel to run its course. There isn't any right or wrong way to deconvert. That is the beauty of it all. And its also the scary part. The journey will take work, but its worth it.

 

I am still dealing with anger and bitterness. Its tough sometimes. I find it repulsive to be in the church I called home for more than 25 years. I still go occasionally, and I usually don't enjoy it. I enjoy some of the people that I see there, but outside of them, I don't like going. I don't see the beauty of religion in any form. I just feel angry. I hope in time that those feelings will go away and I will be able to be free finally from the grasp religion has played in my life. But I am not there yet. Being here on the forums has been a huge help. Keep plugging in here and you will find what you need.

Storm, thanks for the response and the support! I am starting to understand - from your comments and others - the extent to which my brain/mind has been changing during my deconversion process. I and others have spoken of a spell being broken, and that IS how it feels, but I do think the deconverting mind does go through a profound reprogramming in a sense, and that is bound to be traumatic at times. Now I'm no neurologist by any means, but that does seem right. I think this also highlights the need to be gentle and patient (and above all, loving!) with our nearest and dearest who still believe, and to not underestimate the difference in how we now view the world.

 

Once again, I am amazed and moved by the supportive atmosphere here. Thank you so much.

 

I am glad I could help. I have found immense help here and, if you stick around, you will too. There many good people here to help you with just about anything you need.

[Blindsighted]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but I'm convinced that over the last two thousand years "scripture" has come to include verses to keep you from doubting, to keep you from questioning, to keep you from even feeling worthy of questioning, to keep you from using logic, to keep you from reading anything that may open your eyes, and if you finally break free, there are verses to try to scare you back or tell you that you never belonged in the first place. These things are put in there because they know all the ways people get out and they want to keep you in.

[sdelsolray]

Religious indoctrination and associated peer pressure can be a difficult disease to heal.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Hell, that verse causes untold amounts of grief for believers! So many are terrified that they wanked off too many times for Jesus to forgive them and weep copious tears pleading for mercy. Pastors roll their eyes and tell them that the verse means something else.

 

For us, it is yet another verse written by men seeking to control the flock of believers. I had several people today telling me that I was going to hell and that I believe in shit and other odd things. This is because I pointed out the talking snake and tower of Bable foolishness in their primitive writings. They are firmly controlled people, and they don't want to not believe. But that verse scares them and they sometimes think they did something too far, and scurry back afraid that the devil will get them.