No Longer A "beautiful Daughter Of God"

[Guest]

I'm only eighteen years old, but I promise the world I didn't just "fall away" in a stage of teenage rebellion. No, it was intellectual, because my heart still loves a nonexistent god and yearns to find its place in the church. Still, I fell away nonetheless. 

 

I grew up in a tiny Presbyterian church, part of the PCA rather than the more liberal PCUSA. We breathed Calvinist doctrine and flaunted our theological knowledge everywhere we went. We didn't have any dress codes other than "don't cause men to stumble with those shorts," we didn't have any crazy odd family behaviors that were required of us. Instead, the abuse, manipulation and brainwashing was hidden. First, it was hidden in the basement of the church, where Sunday School was taught in a style very similar to that of The Good News Club. Full of shame, I remember clearly the horrific story of  Abraham sacrificing Isaac, told to me when I was three. I remember my mom consulting a nine-year-old's mother to ask permission to teach about the rape of Dinah in the Old Testament. Two stories upstairs, the adults spoke of authority and submission quite frequently, as well as predestination and other Calvinist teachings. Since we were on a hill, the middle story was our ground floor and sanctuary. I colored quietly during the sermons, as I was required to listen no matter my age. I remember hearing many strange things that come back to me in blurry droves. I often felt afraid at that church, and everyone creeped me out. At home, my parents frequently read the Bible--lunch, dinner, bedtime. My father loved using it to make us obey. I remember one time when my brother wouldn't listen to him, he pulled out Proverbs 30:17, and told my brother, "if you don't obey, the ravens will peck your eyes out." My brother wouldn't step outside for the next 24 hours for fear of birds swooping down and killing him. This was the environment in which we grew up in. There was love and nurture from our mother, but she did not protect us from our father, and she enabled him greatly. I was homeschooled, only taught Creationism. I was never in sex ed. I was only allowed to read certain books. My mom parented me like one would parent a young child, only when I grew up, she didn't loosen her grip; she tightened it. 

 

When I was fifteen years old, my parents separated (my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive, though the word "abuse" wasn't used) and my mom, brother and I began attending a local foursquare church that also had a Reformed/Calvinist background, though not as apparent. Even more insidious.

 

This was when I began to recall dozens of repressed memories of my father sexually abusing me and physically abusing my brother. I confided in my mentor at the church, and she actually believed me (big surprise, due to church history!). It was wonderful. I was set up with the church counselor, and all was well for about a year. I grew a lot, and learned a lot, though I was merely becoming more and more brainwashed, believing that God was healing me.

 

But things started to get weird. My PTSD plateaued and my mother chomped down on the bit and became extremely oppressive and controlling. The counselor told me that the reason I wasn't healing was because I had sin issues: I needed to submit to my mother, despite the fact that she was making choices such as locking me in the house alone for a week and taking my phone, as a consequence for yelling and disagreeing with her doctrine because it triggered me. Instead of being nurtured and comforted, I was shut down and triggered so horribly that, one time, I ended up hitting my mom. She called the police and they arrested me, which was very traumatic.

 

It was then that my church counselor refused to continue working with me, due to my "rebellion." She didn't address me specifically; she texted my mom. I began seeing a professional therapist who specializes in EMDR. She has been my guide and mentor for over a year now. When I started working with her, I stopped going to church. She didn't tell me to submit to my mom, but to follow my own faith. At this point, I was very into the "only grace" religious doctrine, which my mom deemed cultish and she began sneaking onto my computer and monitoring my activities, banning me from going to church or Bible studies with my friend if I didn't go to her guilt-hammering church.

 

I had come to the conclusion that, in accordance with the teachings of my mom's church, my sexual abuse was my fault. “God has a plan for you,” “God meant this for good,” “your suffering will end; you are like Job!” “Call out to Jesus! He meant for this to shape you into the person you’re meant to be…”

 

I spun it around and around in my mind: in accordance with the church doctrine that God ordains and predestines each person’s life, if my abuse was meant to make me the “beautiful daughter of God” I was, then doesn’t that mean that God didn’t just allow but meant for me to be a victim of incest? 

 

“No, of course not!” they would tell me as they drifted off into their typical method of circular reasoning. 

 

This was the last straw of my relationship with that church, and the Church in general. I was not a victim of my father; I was a victim of God.

 

I left even my grace-focused religious doctrine when my fellowship group did not accept me as bisexual. I just all-out stopped going. 

 

Now, I live in a new town, and I have only recently realized how truly damaged I am from my upbringing. I recently got an STI and instead of nurturing me, my mother told me that the antibiotics wouldn't work, and I got triggered and believed for two days that I was going to die and go to hell for my sin of premarital sex. I have come to the conclusion that though I was severely sexually abused by three different people, including my father, the majority of my pain and PTSD comes from the religious trauma that I have undergone. I am here now, because I need resources, and I feel very alone. I feel broken, and I don't know what it will take to fix me again. I try to read articles about atheism but I am hammered with internal biases and I can't seem to understand anything about evolution, since it was never taught to me. Though I am doing great in my new life as an adult, learning things I never knew and doing things I was never taught, I am still barely keeping my head above water. 

 

I am no longer a "Beautiful Daughter of God." All my resources are gone; everyone in my life has left me. My mother is emotionally abusive and won't stop badgering me for leaving the church. She prays for the destruction of the only healthy romantic relationship I've ever had, and hates my partner. My friends shunned me months ago, and I am only just beginning to rebuild. 

 

There is hope, of course, and that is why I'm here. I am stronger than I've ever been, and I have found that I can do so much alone, by my own strength. It isn't God. It isn't other people. I'm a survivor and a fighter, and now it is my time to gather resources and learn what it means to heal from the bonds of religion. I am finally free!

 

If you have any resources that have helped you or those you know, please send them along. And to those going through this as I do, hey, you know you're not alone! We can do this! 

 

[TrueFreedom]

Welcome, Abijah!  You've gone through a lot!  I'm hoping for the best for you!

 

As far as resources go, getting to know others who have traveled the same road can be helpful.

Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell is pretty good for working through religious trauma. Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol K. Truman is great for working through issues from your past in general, though it does contain religious elements. 

 

Good luck!  I hope to hear more from you!

[Margee]

Welcome to Ex-c Abijah. Thank you for sharing your story with us. As I read your story I wanted to scream out that you are a beautiful daughter of the universe! I am so sorry for all the bullshit that you have had to go through in your life. Many people here can relate to your story. So can I coming from a very dysfunctional family. You are so not alone hun.

 

Stay here and read, read, read all the testimonies of how we all arrived at Ex-c. You have been brainwashed and now you are going to go through a bit of confusion as you find a new life path and form a new world view all on your own (and with the help of Ex-c) without the invisible christian god. You will soon discover that you are beautiful just as you are, even with all the scars of your past. Please continue to share all your worries and concerns. Someone is always here to help you. I'm so glad you found us. 

 

I went from a total Pentecostal to the Foursquare Church teachings and it's all bullshit. They try to make the grace message more believable but its all bullshit from the same damn, so-called holy book. We will help you un-brainwash yourself. I'm glad you have a good partner that will support you. Hang tight hun. It's a bit of a bumpy ride but your going to be OK. 

 

How to un-brainwash yourself.......http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-deprogram.html

 

Big (hugs)) for you today.

[Guest]

TrueFreedom and Margee, 

 

Thank you so much for your feedback, advice and support! I read both of your ex-timonies today and was inspired and encouraged. Again, thank you! <3

[Wittyusername]

I did not want to read and run - welcome, you are among friends here.

 

1. I am currently reading 'Leaving the fold' - it is invaluable. Get it on kindle.

 

2. It is good that you got out early, some of us wasted our twenties, thirties - whole adult lives on that bs. The world is your oyster now and the future is yours.

[GuyGone]

You don't control what happened to you.  You don't control the past, it's done.  What you do have a measure of control over is the future.

 

You can't just forget what happened to you as if it never occurred. But don't let that become a devouring focus.  Don't make your life about the past.  To the extent you can, focus on what you do control instead of what you don't control.

 

You have some mental and emotional processing to do, no doubt about that.  And you have to come to terms with reality, including the reality of your past.  But part of that reality is that the past is really past.  It may influence your viewpoint today, but it can't be relived or changed.  The only thing you can change is your future.

 

To the extent you are able, focus on the future and your choices that affect the future.

[Guest]

Wittyusername, 

 

I LOVE your username! haha! Thank you so much. Yes, I'm very grateful that I've gotten out sooner rather than later. 

 

GuyGone, 

 

Thank you. Your words really moved me. I've been trying to focus on what's before me a lot lately, and man, is it much better to live that way. Religion has you way too focused on the past! 

 

Thanks, guys! I'll definitely get Leaving the Fold.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Abijah,

 

Eastern OrYgunn this end. 

Welcome to Ex-Christian dot net. While "we" are not face to face together this is the place to let out that PRIMAL SCREAM. Agonies of prior life, pain and of course st00pid doctrines that have forced us into a shape we do not now fit.

Unfold, decompress, meet people, learn that there are trustable non-religious folks who will care and give a fuck for and about your life and situations.

 

kevinL

[Blood]

Abijah,

 

It's utterly depressing to learn that the sinister mind virus known as "Calvinism" is still out there infecting innocent, young lives. Once infected, it often takes an enormous amount of "mind antibiotics" to rid oneself of this, one of the most corrosive and deadly forms of supernaturalism ever invented by man. 

 

One thing you must understand right now: despite what you've been programmed to think, "atheism" does not equal "the theory of evolution," or vice versa. The Catholic faith, for example, accepts evolution; the only caveat they place on it is that God supposedly "guided" it. 

 

Also understand that atheism pre-dates both Christianity AND Biblical Judaism. Atheism is very old philosophy but at root a simple one: the lack of a belief in a deity or deities. There are an estimated 700 million atheists in the world today; unfortunately, not many of them are prominent in the USA, so the depth and extent of global atheism is obscured through the excessive amount of religiosity that pours through our media, culture, and politics. 

 

Anyway I wouldn't recommend any heavy philosophical stuff right now -- just try to enjoy life for what it is, something that the dark fiend John Calvin could never do. 

[miamia]

Welcome! I am so glad you got out! it warms my heart to know one more person got away! The feeling of inner peace I got from leaving religion is something I would not trade for the world, I hope the same for you.

[Lilith666]

Welcome to the forum, Abijah. I'm glad you're doing better on your own; don't let your mom get to you!

[TardisThinker]

Congratulations for fighting your way out at such a young age! I’m sorry that you’ve had such a painful past. “God has a plan for your life” and “everything happens for a reason” sounds so comforting at face value but, as you already figured out, it is a really shoddy perspective when you think about it. If I was an all-powerful god and I thought it was important to have a grand plan, I’m pretty dang sure it would be easy to come up with a plan that didn’t involve cancer, rape, tsunamis, et cetera.  

I loved reading the part of your post where you wrote “There is hope, of course, and that is why I'm here. I am stronger than I've ever been, and I have found that I can do so much alone, by my own strength. It isn't God. It isn't other people. I'm a survivor and a fighter”. You are not broken and you are not a sinner; you are, as Margee stated, a beautiful daughter of the universe.  I’m glad you have found this site, and I’m so happy to hear that you have a supportive partner and a caring therapist.

[dangitbobby83]

The great thing is, you were never a daughter of god (because god isn't real). But you were always a beautiful person.

 

Welcome to ex-c.

[Guest]

Abijah,

 

Eastern OrYgunn this end.

 

Welcome to Ex-Christian dot net. While "we" are not face to face together this is the place to let out that PRIMAL SCREAM. Agonies of prior life, pain and of course st00pid doctrines that have forced us into a shape we do not now fit.

 

Unfold, decompress, meet people, learn that there are trustable non-religious folks who will care and give a fuck for and about your life and situations.

 

kevinL

Eastern, eh? My partner are considering moving to Bend in about a year! We eventually want to settle down there, regardless.

 

Thank you for the welcome and for giving a fuck about my life! Seriously though. It's refreshing. No more "but come to my church," or "let me pray for you." Or the best one: "how about we get coffee sometime?" I'll assume you know the tone. So yeah, in all seriousness, thank you for giving a fuck!

[Guest]

Abijah,

 

It's utterly depressing to learn that the sinister mind virus known as "Calvinism" is still out there infecting innocent, young lives. Once infected, it often takes an enormous amount of "mind antibiotics" to rid oneself of this, one of the most corrosive and deadly forms of supernaturalism ever invented by man.

 

One thing you must understand right now: despite what you've been programmed to think, "atheism" does not equal "the theory of evolution," or vice versa. The Catholic faith, for example, accepts evolution; the only caveat they place on it is that God supposedly "guided" it.

 

Also understand that atheism pre-dates both Christianity AND Biblical Judaism. Atheism is very old philosophy but at root a simple one: the lack of a belief in a deity or deities. There are an estimated 700 million atheists in the world today; unfortunately, not many of them are prominent in the USA, so the depth and extent of global atheism is obscured through the excessive amount of religiosity that pours through our media, culture, and politics.

 

Anyway I wouldn't recommend any heavy philosophical stuff right now -- just try to enjoy life for what it is, something that the dark fiend John Calvin could never do.

Sadly, Calvinism is infecting more minds than many of us realize. I think people are beginning to find it absurd enough that at least they're continuing on to a more progressive interpretation of the Bible. I'm not sure which is worse.

 

Thank you for the pointers about atheism and evolution! I've been doing a lot of research about the Bible, and have found that Step One is realizing the Bible is not working, and is in fact, evil. However, I forget to enjoy life. I need that reminder. Thank you.

[Guest]

Welcome! I am so glad you got out! it warms my heart to know one more person got away! The feeling of inner peace I got from leaving religion is something I would not trade for the world, I hope the same for you.

Thank you! This is the first time I've EVER felt any form of peace! It's so exciting and empowering!

[Guest]

Congratulations for fighting your way out at such a young age! I’m sorry that you’ve had such a painful past. “God has a plan for your life” and “everything happens for a reason” sounds so comforting at face value but, as you already figured out, it is a really shoddy perspective when you think about it. If I was an all-powerful god and I thought it was important to have a grand plan, I’m pretty dang sure it would be easy to come up with a plan that didn’t involve cancer, rape, tsunamis, et cetera.

I loved reading the part of your post where you wrote “There is hope, of course, and that is why I'm here. I am stronger than I've ever been, and I have found that I can do so much alone, by my own strength. It isn't God. It isn't other people. I'm a survivor and a fighter”. You are not broken and you are not a sinner; you are, as Margee stated, a beautiful daughter of the universe. I’m glad you have found this site, and I’m so happy to hear that you have a supportive partner and a caring therapist.

Thank you! Indeed, the church tries to comfort us but fails.

 

I figured I couldn't end on a cynical note, because that's not how my life is! It's not all cyncism and fear, though I have my many moments. I am experiencing more peace and joy than ever, though, and I had to point that out! Again, thank you for your support and care!

[Guest]

The great thing is, you were never a daughter of god (because god isn't real). But you were always a beautiful person.

 

Welcome to ex-c.

<3

[yunea]

It's ironic though isn't it - religion is supposed to give us Joy Unspeakable, Peace that's Deeper Than All Understanding, and atheists are supposed to have a hole in their heart and be miserable. Quite a few ex-C's seem to find that it's actually sort of the other way round once the smoke clears.

 

Welcome to the board, you've sure been through a lot, but it's awesome you got out so young.

[hockeyfan70]

At your age, I made the decision to go to Bible College instead of perhaps pursuing something that would have been a better use of my brain haha. Now I'm umm older and I'm starting all over again.

 

Welcome to ex-christian.net - it's a great place to deconvert, decompress and start changing your life for the better.

[Jedah]

The good thing is you got out young, which makes you much luckier than it seems. Right now life is probably shit and you may or not know where you are going, but trust me, it gets better. Especially if you take charge of your life and refuse to buy into "victim morality", which so many people fall for. You don't have to be a victim of religious dogma if you don't want to.

[SkepticalCynic]

I'm pleased to hear that things have been on the up for you, in spite of adversity. You are a shining example of the strength of the human spirit!

[diggindiddy]

Welcome Abijah !

 

I was touched by your testimony. I suffer from a mental illness too, and when I started to hear voices my family first took me to a pastor/faith healer/exorcist who put his hands on my head to remove the daemon from me. It was a very disturbing experience and for years I had panick attacks, afraid that I would feel or think bad things that would make me a prey for bad spirits again. I thought that my mental illness was the consequence of my rejection of the family's beliefs and therefore it drove me right back into fundamentalism for more than five years.

 

I think I understand how you feel. You were teached fear of judgement for as long as you can remember, and you never get to be a real teen with the right to experience and make mistakes. You probably already experienced some anger bursts thinking about the life you could have had if it had not been drowned in abuses, irrational dogmas and guilt. You said that you feel broken and I know exactly what you mean. I used to believe that I was broken, wicked, abnormal and sick. I want to tell you something : you are not broken. You are here today, expressing your feelings and searching for your true self, and you are able to do this because despite you were told to become something that You are not, you managed to keep alive all along a sparkle of your True Self. If you had become the" Beautiful Daughter of God", the real You would have been broken. It is not. You are hurt, you suffered a lot and you need to heal... but you are not broken. You are strong and you will find your way.

 

I would like to suggest you a book that really helps me in the process of knowing who I am and trusting my instinct. It is called "Women who run with wolves", from Dr Clarisse Pinkola Estès (Wikipedia will describe it to you better than me ). I found a lot of comfort in this book, it's inspirational and self-empowering. It gave me more confidence in myself that anything that I ever read or was told before, and I haven't even finished it !

 

Trust your instinct, trust yourself.

 

XXX

DD

[Guest]

It's ironic though isn't it - religion is supposed to give us Joy Unspeakable, Peace that's Deeper Than All Understanding, and atheists are supposed to have a hole in their heart and be miserable. Quite a few ex-C's seem to find that it's actually sort of the other way round once the smoke clears.

 

Welcome to the board, you've sure been through a lot, but it's awesome you got out so young.

 

Thank you for the warm welcome! It is truly ironic, yes! I've never been happier, yet I was told my happiness could only be found in Jesus Christ. Instead, life is the best it's ever been! 

[Guest]

The good thing is you got out young, which makes you much luckier than it seems. Right now life is probably shit and you may or not know where you are going, but trust me, it gets better. Especially if you take charge of your life and refuse to buy into "victim morality", which so many people fall for. You don't have to be a victim of religious dogma if you don't want to.

 

Thanks! I'm actually doing surprisingly well, with a few bad days here and there when I get triggered. I'm definitely trying to keep my head up and just continue to stay strong and live for myself.