Feeling Like An Outsider

[Guest]

I feel like an outsider. Everywhere I walk, I fear that someone is watching my steps. Every time I talk, I fear that someone is laughing, mocking my words. I feel preyed upon, like I'm the only one that matters in the world, because I am noticeably an outsider. I become dissociated. I feel disconnected. I cannot breathe. I shake. I babble. They laugh. I shut down. I hide. They dont know what it's like the be out in the world after living in a cage. A world that I thought would come after me. A world big and scary and terrifying.

 

I was made to be afraid of this world and its inhabitants. The years of abuse, the rapes, the mistreatment all added to it. Now that I'm out from under the wing of the church, I fear everyone. I fear that they notice my damage. They laugh when I am ignorant. I fear that they see me as an outsider. I fear that they see all my wounds, and realize how disconnected I am. They don't seem to welcome me. All I can feel are eyes and whispers. I am paranoid, because all I see is my pain, and I just know that that's all they see too. I am drowning. I cannot thrive.

[dangitbobby83]

Abijah, we can see your pain, but that doesn't make you any less beautiful as a person. 

 

You are working through a lot of stuff and deconversion isn't easy, for anyone, and you have a whole load of additional crap to work through. 

 

I don't have any words to offer you, other than you're not alone. We're here for you. 

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

[dangitbobby83]

If you want, jump in chat. We can talk if you like.