I Prayed For My Friend Last Night

[Storm]

So I have a friend who is hurting real bad. His wife of 30 years is having an affair and she is leaving him. I have known them both since before they were married. He is really having a hard time with the whole thing. He came over to hang out with my friends and I for our band practice and afterwards, he just opened up and started sharing his hurt and just sharing what he thought were the reasons why she is doing this. He is a minister, so all of the reasons why she would do this centered around the devil and her own worldly desires, etc.

 

It was interesting seeing how Christians perceive the world and how they try to make sense of things that they cannot understand. I didn't really say much, (and my friends do not know I have left the faith), but I just listened to his and my friends explain what they think is happening. I saw things that I would never have noticed had I not left the faith. Things like the perceptions that they have that God is in control of everything and that he has a plan for each of them, but that we have free will, so we can thwart that plan and do our own thing and live in rebellion. They cant see how that is a contradictory quandary. My minister friend just kept saying things over and over about how other believers have been encouraging him with their own stories of divorce and unfaithful spouses and how things almost always turned out better for the one who didn't cheat. I couldn't help but notice the irony that was there considering the "disdain" that God has for divorce ("I hate Divorce"). Why do people end up better off and closer to God if they do the very thing that he Hates? Curious question, Indeed.

 

He oscillated back and forth about what he was going to do: Keep fighting for her or move on. At one point, he admitted that he may just have to accept the fact that he may never know why she did it or what would happen if he moves on. Apparently several people have told him that once they moved on, the cheating partner had an epiphany and wanted to try to reconcile. I think he wants this to happen. He doesn't want a divorce. He wants her back. But he kept blaming her and himself, saying that they let their walk with god become "complacent" and be on "cruise control" rather than working towards being better believers. He even went so far as to blame her for not reading the bible enough and for not spending enough time with God.

 

I saw a broken and hurting man who was desperate for answers. But none were available. After about 30 minutes of his sharing, the other guys moved in and wanted to pray for him. Both the other guys prayed, so I felt obligated to do so too. I prayed a simple prayer and basically just said that God knew the hearts of both of them and that he was in control and to provide peace and comfort to both of them. It was strange to pray, as I haven't done it in a couple years. I tried to voice my genuine feelings and minimized any direct reference to God or Jesus. I care about the guy and I don't want him to hurt anymore.I could certainly voice how I feel in a prayer without having to believe in a deity.  I did end the prayer "in Jesus' name". Old habits die hard, I guess.

 

I think its very difficult to be a non-believer in a world of believers. I just want them to face the world in a way that helps them understand and cope with the world that isn't grounded in fantasy. To be able to accept the harsh reality that sometimes life just sucks and you have to deal with stuff that you just don't understand, or stuff that you just don't want to deal with. It certainly isn't fun, but its real.

 

I think in some ways that the pain and hurt that exists without Christianity makes us more human, more real. In some ways, Christianity robs us of the healthy feelings and what I would consider a healthy vulnerability with others that ultimately brings us closer to others. I think I struggled to find the ability to show empathy towards him because I don't live in his "reality" as a believer anymore. That is a hurdle I hope to get past very soon. I care, and regardless of people's belief, I need to be human and share how I feel and be there for people. If that means saying a prayer every so often, then count me in.

 

I guess I have just been thinking out loud. Thanks for "listening".

 

[quinntar]

When it comes to adultery, I have noticed that many Christians never take Jesus seriously.

[Storm]

When it comes to adultery, I have noticed that many Christians never take Jesus seriously.

True. This could be said about many things.

[Margee]

Storm, I'm so sorry you are hurting while watching this situation. I am also going through this with two friends who are christian. It's awful to watch what my girlfriend is going through. So many things made so much more sense to me when I stopped believing in god. It's pure ole' 'blood and flesh' as human beings that can get us into trouble. It's so hard to watch as they try to figure out why god would allow this to happen. And also to blame the devil for leading someone astray. Now, it's so much easier to understand that it's human nature and not have to get so angry at god anymore. But it's so heart-wrenching for christians. It certainly was for me when I was a christian. It seemed I was always angry at god for allowing 'something' to happen.

 

Hang in there my friend. Just be his friend. That's the best you can do.

I give you a big internet (hug) today.

[MOHO]

Storm,

 

Living in the heart of Jesus Freak country I certainly empathize with living in a world of fundies - and other faith based life styles. You did a selfless thing - by doing something you would rather not do - in order to comfort your friend. I myself attend the weekly mind-f*ck just to make the wife happy. Once/month or so they do the splintered group prayer thing and I join in due to the pressure. Some, like Florduh,  would say this is cowardly but, when you are in a relationship, sometimes you simply must do selfless things.

[Storm]

Storm, I'm so sorry you are hurting while watching this situation. I am also going through this with two friends who are christian. It's awful to watch what my girlfriend is going through. So many things made so much more sense to me when I stopped believing in god. It's pure ole' 'blood and flesh' as human beings that can get us into trouble. It's so hard to watch as they try to figure out why god would allow this to happen. And also to blame the devil for leading someone astray. Now, it's so much easier to understand that it's human nature and not have to get so angry at god anymore. But it's so heart-wrenching for christians. It certainly was for me when I was a christian. It seemed I was always angry at god for allowing 'something' to happen.

 

Hang in there my friend. Just be his friend. That's the best you can do.

I give you a big internet (hug) today.

Thanks Margee. I figured you would probably chime in. I remember the post you made a few weeks ago about wanting to pray for your friend. Its kind of why I made this one. While the prayer was (to me) awkward, I don't think they really noticed or cared for what it represented to me. They just wanted him to feel better, much as I did. I know he will be fine. I am divorced too, and am so by a cheating spouse, so I understand what he is feeling. I know it will all be fine for him in the long run. Its just that the journey to get there isn't very much fun. I suspect I may be praying again before this is over.

[Storm]

Storm,

 

Living in the heart of Jesus Freak country I certainly empathize with living in a world of fundies - and other faith based life styles. You did a selfless thing - by doing something you would rather not do - in order to comfort your friend. I myself attend the weekly mind-f*ck just to make the wife happy. Once/month or so they do the splintered group prayer thing and I join in due to the pressure. Some, like Florduh,  would say this is cowardly but, when you are in a relationship, sometimes you simply must do selfless things.

I agree. The world is bigger than you or I. And while I also agree with Florduh in his sentiments, sometimes you have to pick your battles. I am all for being who you are, but I am also about understanding the situation and being a responsible human as well. My brief discomfort is nothing compared to the belief he has that I am doing something to help him with his.

[quinntar]

 

When it comes to adultery, I have noticed that many Christians never take Jesus seriously.

True. This could be said about many things.

Ha! yes those wacky Christians.

[Guest Furball]

Sorry to hear about your friend. I don't blame you for praying. Things happen to us in our lives that we just don't understand, so I can see how christian beliefs in a devil tempting one's spouse away or not walking closer with god is used to try to bring in some type of logic for the believer. This woman apparently just fell out of love and wasn't interested in the whole marriage thing anymore. I've known people that this has happened to including my own parents, so I have seen how bad this can affect the one experiencing the loss of their beloved. Maybe she was never a christian in the first place or just wasn't on "fire" for jesus as her husband was. Marriage, especially with christianity thrown in can make people in the family feel smothered. Maybe she just got sick of the whole being married to a christian minister thing and felt trapped. I don't know, I am just throwing darts here. Either way, I am sorry for your friend. It was a selfless act on your part to try and make him feel better by praying for him even though you don't believe. You're a great friend, and who knows, maybe she will come back to him. Good luck Storm.

[Storm]

Sorry to hear about your friend. I don't blame you for praying. Things happen to us in our lives that we just don't understand, so I can see how christian beliefs in a devil tempting one's spouse away or not walking closer with god is used to try to bring in some type of logic for the believer. This woman apparently just fell out of love and wasn't interested in the whole marriage thing anymore. I've known people that this has happened to including my own parents, so I have seen how bad this can affect the one experiencing the loss of their beloved. Maybe she was never a christian in the first place or just wasn't on "fire" for jesus as her husband was. Marriage, especially with christianity thrown in can make people in the family feel smothered. Maybe she just got sick of the whole being married to a christian minister thing and felt trapped. I don't know, I am just throwing darts here. Either way, I am sorry for your friend. It was a selfless act on your part to try and make him feel better by praying for him even though you don't believe. You're a great friend, and who knows, maybe she will come back to him. Good luck Storm.

Thanks furball. I appreciate your kind words.

[★ Citsonga ★]

You did what it took to comfort your friend, and that's a good thing. I personally probably could not have prayed, but kudos to you! 

[SinEater]

I care, and regardless of people's belief, I need to be human and share how I feel and be there for people. If that means saying a prayer every so often, then count me in.

 

Wow. Keep it up, mah friend. Not many people with that mindset left in the world (it is slowly being replaced by the entitlement mindset). It is my opinion that true empathy is one of few solutions to the human condition.