Divorcing My Old Church

[Storm]

So, the inevitable happened over the past few days. I was still friends on Facebook with several of the people I used to hang out with at my old church. One of those people was my Worship Pastor, with whom I had a musical relationship with and it occasionally forayed into a personal friendship. He made a post  a few days ago regarding the Holy Spirit, and I disagreed with it. It basically said that Christians can't do anything without the Holy Spirit. I completely disagree and decided to reply in the post about my disagreement. I wasn't hostile, I was very civil and tried to not ruffle any feathers as much as possible in my disagreement. Needless to say, it didn't end well. He treated me poorly, then had the balls to make a "I sure miss your friendship, but I want you to know I am praying for you" post. Man that pissed me off. Long story short, I sent him a not very happy Facebook Messenger message and essentially pushed him out of my life. On top of that, the Main pastor of the Church had also commented in the thread as well, and he ended up private messaging me and I ended up getting him to lash out at me and show his true colors. I later made the stupid decision to try and do damage control with a few of the "friends" I had at the church that were a part of the original thread, but I came to realize that they would defend the Worship Pastor and Main Pastor, regardless of what I said. So, I ended up just deleting all of them from my Facebook and any other people I generally affiliated with the church.

 

I say all of this because I have to admit that all of this made me sad and very angry. I know that this was bound to happen eventually, but I didn't want it to. I already felt isolated enough after leaving my faith, but in some ways they still attached me to my old life. A life I enjoyed a lot. As much as I despise Christianity, it brought a lot of good things to my life. I had no bad experiences in my 30+ years as a Christian. There are a lot of good memories there. Removing all those people from my life really hurt. I wish it wasn't so. I feel more isolated now than ever.

 

I am angry. So very angry. I am struggling with how much I should let it consume me. I want to lash out. I want to spit fire and be mean. But I can't. I won't.

 

I will hurt for a while. my anger will probably ebb and flow through the next few weeks and months. But I will get though it.

 

I don't want to be angry at Christianity. I don't want to be angry at them.I envy people like Neil Carter, who can still be civil to those people who represent a idea that we just don't agree with. He openly engages them in conversation and still holds Christianity in a not negative light. He recognizes that it is destructive, but he still sees some of the value of it. I can't do that. I am still wounded and fragile. I still lash out at times. I struggle to not get passionate about my new way of life, and I let that passion get the best of me and I start losing focus in discussions and I become that pushy atheist who throws out all the obvious stuff about why Christianity is a fraud. I don't like to be that person.

 

I guess I am still trying to find myself. I don't really have anyone to talk with here, so you all get to be my audience. I need to get these feeling out, and this is my way to do it.

 

I long for when this gets better. I long for peace in my mind. I know and believe that what I have now is the better way. But its a damn tough one at times.

[Jeff]

It's really tough to lose so many casual friends that a church can provide.

It's even worse when some of them are actually friends.

 

I am still lonely for friendship and trying to find a new peer group is tough but it's better than being in that bunch of people who stop thinking the minute they start talking god shit

[florduh]

If you've looked around this site you must realize you are not alone. Christians are individuals, and some are simply unable to reasonably interact with those who don't share their delusion. Some Christians can't even get along with other Christians whom they deem to be following heretical doctrine. Most who identify as Christian though, are pretty lukewarm and aren't very knowledgeable.

 

There are only a couple of Christians I personally know whom I can't stand, the rest I know are nothing more than people with different beliefs than mine. My animosity is directed at the militants who try to implement their rule over secular America. My hatred goes out to the religious individuals and sects who divide families and do mental and physical damage to their weakened prey.

[Storm]

It's really tough to lose so many casual friends that a church can provide.

It's even worse when some of them are actually friends.

 

I am still lonely for friendship and trying to find a new peer group is tough but it's better than being in that bunch of people who stop thinking the minute they start talking god shit

I am realizing this more and more. Its tough. This website is providing enough for me at this time, but I know I need to have personal interaction. I hope it doesn't take a long time.

[Storm]

There are only a couple of Christians I personally know whom I can't stand, the rest I know are nothing more than people with different beliefs than mine. My animosity is directed at the militants who try to implement their rule over secular America. My hatred goes out to the religious individuals and sects who divide families and do mental and physical damage to their weakened prey.

I want this to be the case for me as well. When I commented on the original thread, it was to try and help those "regular" people see that what the quote said wasn't true. We all have value. We don't need God to love our enemies, or to do lots of things. It happens every day. But they didn't care. It made me sad. My intentions were noble. They just saw me as combative. I think that was the most frustrating part. My wife even told me (before the crap hit the fan with the church people) that she really liked what i had to say and it made her think more about what I had to say. My Mother-in-law even agreed with my posts, and commented on the thread. But I suspect that this was just the only outcome that could have happened when they all see me as an outsider.

[Margee]

Storm, I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. It's an awful thing to realize that you are indeed an 'outsider'.

 

 One thing that I have learned in the last 7 years is that you cannot 'buck' the systems of any church no matter how soft you speak or write, there will be a rebuttal from someone. If you are not made of iron and steel, it hurts like hell. I have even joined sites on Facebook that I think are very open minded but when I mention that I don't believe in god, I practically get kicked out buy the horrible comments that come in. I have just given up. You can't fight with people who are brainwashed and under control of a belief system. (I once was those people and you couldn't convince me for a million dollars that the bible was not true) It was only through my own doubting that I began my own research and came to my own conclusions. And that was definitely with the help of this website.

 

 One of the horrible things that has happened to me in the last seven years (because of all of this) is I have become somewhat a bitter person (inside) although I still try very hard to treat everyone with respect. But anyone who tries to control me with their lies, manipulating or belief systems, I have to let them go because I won't allow any of those behaviors in my life anymore. You ''called them out'', even with your gentle way and they did not like it because they cannot control you anymore. I have learned that when someone cannot control you, they generally leave.. or make you go away. And that's what has happened to you, my friend. It hurts like hell because a 'normal' person who is not brainwashed will want to talk things out and find solutions. I am so sorry you got hurt. If I even have only two friends in my life that totally understand me now, I am happy. I don't want or need a whole lot of people who are superficial.

 

I sure hope you find the support you need in real life, even if you can find one special person who really accepts you and understands you for who you really are. They are gold. You sound lucky to have your wife on your side. Look around your area and see if you can't find a group of some kind that are more open-minded. I have friends who are 'new-agers' and believe in the universal power but we generally do nor talk about it. They do not believe any of the 'holy' books so we, at least have that in common. They know where I stand and because they are not trying to change me or buck me, we have a delightful friendship. See if you can't find someone more like that so you won't feel so alone.

 

Again, I am so sorry you are hurting. We are here for you. We here at Ex-c totally understand what you are going through.

 

Big ((hug))

[Storm]

 

Storm, I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. It's an awful thing to realize that you are indeed an 'outsider'.

 

 One thing that I have learned in the last 7 years is that you cannot 'buck' the systems of any church no matter how soft you speak or write, there will be a rebuttal from someone. If you are not made of iron and steel, it hurts like hell. I have even joined sites on Facebook that I think are very open minded but when I mention that I don't believe in god, I practically get kicked out buy the horrible comments that come in. I have just given up. You can't fight with people who are brainwashed and under control of a belief system. (I once was those people and you couldn't convince me for a million dollars that the bible was not true) It was only through my own doubting that I began my own research and came to my own conclusions. And that was definitely with the help of this website.

 

 One of the horrible things that has happened to me in the last seven years (because of all of this) is I have become somewhat a bitter person (inside) although I still try very hard to treat everyone with respect. But anyone who tries to control me with their lies, manipulating or belief systems, I have to let them go because I won't allow any of those behaviors in my life anymore. You ''called them out'', even with your gentle way and they did not like it because they cannot control you anymore. I have learned that when someone cannot control you, they generally leave.. or make you go away. And that's what has happened to you, my friend. It hurts like hell because a 'normal' person who is not brainwashed will want to talk things out and find solutions. I am so sorry you got hurt. If I even have only two friends in my life that totally understand me now, I am happy. I don't want or need a whole lot of people who are superficial.

 

I sure hope you find the support you need in real life, even if you can find one special person who really accepts you and understands you for who you really are. They are gold. You sound lucky to have your wife on your side. Look around your area and see if you can't find a group of some kind that are more open-minded. I have friends who are 'new-agers' and believe in the universal power but we generally do nor talk about it. They do not believe any of the 'holy' books so we, at least have that in common. They know where I stand and because they are not trying to change me or buck me, we have a delightful friendship. See if you can't find someone more like that so you won't feel so alone.

 

Again, I am so sorry you are hurting. We are here for you. We here at Ex-c totally understand what you are going through.

 

Big ((hug))

 

Thanks Margee. As usual, your words are true and a comfort. I know I will get there in time, but the journey will be tough.

[neveranytrouble]

Storm,So sorry to hear you are feeling isolated.The basis of friendship is a sense of being equals.Sadly in the eyes of Christians you are no longer at their level of sanctimonious righteousness.

For many years I waited to get over the hurt.Rather difficult when the reminders of your "festering evil"never let up.Now after 20 years of being an ex Christian I have found the best way for me is to manage the pain similar to a physical injury.Most days I continue with my rich and happy life.It is ok to feel a bit down as well.I can manage but not fix.All the best and don't rush to make new friends if you don't feel like it.

[Ellinas]

Storm, the key to this is your realisation that the inevitable has happened.  It was going to happen sometime, and it just happens (pardon the pun) to be now.

 

Any who are friends will revert to you.  Any who do not do so were not friends in any meaningful sense.  No need to feel angry at them.  At the system that controls them, yes, but not at them.

 

Loneliness is something that you can sort with time and effort.

 

Sounds to me like you have a chance at freedom from this group.  Look at it this way - you are luckier than some of us on that basis alone.

[Storm]

12 hours ago, neveranytrouble said:

Storm,So sorry to hear you are feeling isolated.The basis of friendship is a sense of being equals.Sadly in the eyes of Christians you are no longer at their level of sanctimonious righteousness.

For many years I waited to get over the hurt.Rather difficult when the reminders of your "festering evil"never let up.Now after 20 years of being an ex Christian I have found the best way for me is to manage the pain similar to a physical injury.Most days I continue with my rich and happy life.It is ok to feel a bit down as well.I can manage but not fix.All the best and don't rush to make new friends if you don't feel like it.

I still hold out hope for the best, even if it's in vain. I'll make new friends in time. I'm still friends with a few remaining people who still attend the church. Thankfully, my friendships with them don't center on faith, but on music and honesty. I can tell either how I really feel without worry of them shunning me. I don't really talk about my deconversion with them as there's really no need, but I could and not feel threatened that they will leave. 

[Storm]

5 hours ago, Ellinas said:

Storm, the key to this is your realisation that the inevitable has happened.  It was going to happen sometime, and it just happens (pardon the pun) to be now.

 

Any who are friends will revert to you.  Any who do not do so were not friends in any meaningful sense.  No need to feel angry at them.  At the system that controls them, yes, but not at them.

 

Loneliness is something that you can sort with time and effort.

 

Sounds to me like you have a chance at freedom from this group.  Look at it this way - you are luckier than some of us on that basis alone.

My wife is still a believer and is still friends with many of them. I'll never really be free from them in that capacity, but I'm able to not attend church, so I don't see them much, if at all. Sorry that you're stuck in a rough situation. 

Loneliness is a tough situation. While I feel isolated in many ways, I don't think I feel lonely. I think the combination of creating a new worldview and doing so without input from real life people I hang out with makes for a more difficult time. I get some good stuff here, but it does have its limits. I'm considering starting a RFR here in my city to hopefully meet some others like me and help them and also help myself. Maybe that will help.