What Do You Think When Things Aren't Going Your Way?

[Insightful]

A thought I had today:

 

When I was a Christian and things were going my way (money was good, family was good, etc) it was easy to feel happy.   The same is true as an ex-Christian.  When things are going well, I feel happy.  

 

When I was a Christian and things were NOT going my way (work problems, family problems, even shattered dreams), it was also not too hard to still feel happy.  After all, God was still in control; all would work together for good for me; I had salvation and eternal life to look forward to; etc.  But now, as an Ex-C, when things are NOT going well, I find it much harder to find happiness.

 

Can anyone relate?  My happiness seems to rise and fall more with my circumstances.  Maybe, in a strange way, this is actually better because the happiness I experience (when I do experience it) is a TRUE happiness and not a delusional one.  Maybe I have to undo the conditioning of Christianity that made me believe that it is normal to be happy all of the time...  

 

How do you get yourself through the harder/sadder times of life?

 

Thanks for reading and for your thoughts. 

[midniterider]

I tend to stack up all the bad things as if they all need to be solved right now by me. And that's false. Solutions will be revealed over time and other people will help provide them. Talk to people. Some problems are only imaginary. What might be a problem today might not be an issue next week as variables are always changing.

[Lilith666]

I remember that it won't last. I go through rough patches, find other things to focus on, and think about what I enjoy instead of getting just bogged down in what's going wrong. Sometimes you have to work hard to make it better, but keep reminding yourself you've done it before and will do it again.

[Guest]

Insightful, I struggle with depression sometimes and although not all of my strategies work (and I hope this doesn't sound too simplistic) here are some things that I do:

 

- I journal  - and I don't hold back in this journal.  I let raw emotion spill out on the pages and I don't censor myself with rules about what I should or shouldn't think or feel. Its like vomiting emotional toxins.  For obvious reasons, I also keep this journal password protected.

- I watch/read the news with empathy.  This helps me realize life could always be worse.  I guess you could call this a twisted way of counting my blessings.  This is partly why I  participate in mission work.  It (selfishly) makes me feel better helping others. 

- Later in life, I adopted the philosophy that one cannot really know great joy without knowing great suffering.  So when I'm going through a tough spot, I try to remember that peace, when it comes, will feel so much better than "average."

- I phone a friend.  The problem is, I have no atheist friends and I'm not yet completely out of the closet. That will be ending soon when I leave my job (which requires that I be a Christian).  I have tried really hard to put together a local ex-C group, but no real luck with that in over a year.  This is the hardest part for me.  I really, really miss not having a friend to confide in since my deconversion.  And its why I lurk around this site so much.

- On the less healthy side, I "self-medicate" with alcohol or the occasional smoke (both safely at home) but I find myself being a little reckless at times. I bought a sports car for my husband (something I would normally have thought a complete waste of money).  I haven't driven a stick-shift in decades, but I took it out for a spin and pushed myself beyond what I would normally do driving.   I don't know if it is my true character coming out - or poor coping skills, but either way, it felt good to let loose!

- Lately I've been doing a little reading/listening from other philosophers like Alan Watts and Deepak Chopra. I do this because I think, as humans, we're going to evolve into ways of thinking that we (like our ancestors) cannot fully imagine, and I'm curious about that. It helps me to think about things outside of what I am currently experiencing.

 

Anyway, just thought I would share some of my personal coping strategies and also assure you that you're not alone in struggling to cope with the down-side of life now that God is no longer in control.

[Margee]

A thought I had today:

 

When I was a Christian and things were going my way (money was good, family was good, etc) it was easy to feel happy.   The same is true as an ex-Christian.  When things are going well, I feel happy.  

 

When I was a Christian and things were NOT going my way (work problems, family problems, even shattered dreams), it was also not too hard to still feel happy.  After all, God was still in control; all would work together for good for me; I had salvation and eternal life to look forward to; etc.  But now, as an Ex-C, when things are NOT going well, I find it much harder to find happiness.

 

Can anyone relate?  My happiness seems to rise and fall more with my circumstances.  Maybe, in a strange way, this is actually better because the happiness I experience (when I do experience it) is a TRUE happiness and not a delusional one.  Maybe I have to undo the conditioning of Christianity that made me believe that it is normal to be happy all of the time...  

 

How do you get yourself through the harder/sadder times of life?

 

 

Insightful, I can really relate to this post. It was so comforting (and frustrating) when I believed god was in control of my whole life. I lived by the scripture, ''God would work all things out to the good'', so I depended on that. As I said, I was also very frustrated because it didn't seem god wanted to move very quickly in a lot of cases of the different things I was going through and I always seemed to have to take over. Lol

 

Once I realized I was praying to nothing, I fully understood that life was more about survival. I am at the stage of my life where I personally believe that the default in humans is about surviving (which brings about unhappy feelings because survival is about struggle - the struggle to live) This can be very frustrating because so much is out of our control. So, I try to find solutions as quick as I can now with the things I can control. I can't be bothered anymore with the things I can't control - only the things I can. After I find a solution to a problem and it works out well, I dwell in the happiness stage for awhile and celebrate. But I know now that it won't probably last because another problem will appear......and I'm back at finding a solution again.

 

When I solve a problem and find a solution, it kind of feels like I can take (deserve) a breather for awhile and bask in 'Happiness' for awhile. But soon another problem pops up and then here I go again trying to find the solution. It's almost becomes a game. If I am depressed I ask myself, what is making me depressed and I go after a solution. 

 

...and for me, what I can't control, I leave it alone because I can only fix my own life. I do try to help others but I know instantly when I am wasting my time now so I leave in 'love'. Everyone has to work out their own lives.

 

Best wishes in finding solutions!

 

((hug))

[MOHO]

Perfectly sound advice, Margee!

[older]

Once again, Margee nails it. What she wrote is a good re-statement of the serenity prayer, although those of us here would use it without the God part:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

[Insightful]

Great thoughts, guys (and gals)!  Much appreciated.

[Lost]

When things don't go my way (what happens most of my life) I focus on imaginations of my brain-like living different kinds of lives, in different places with people who truly understand me. Living in kind of alternative reality.

 

Very often I just focus on my duties and pretend in some way that my problem is not there.

 

When I believed in God without a doubt things were easier thanks to prayers and talks with God.

[Jeff]

I am comforted that there is not something I "should" do.

If things are rough, I'm free to decide what I will do.

[Positivist]

Christian's have a built in compression system on the interpretation of life events. It's like recorded music: the dynamic range of an audio signal is compressed or narrowed to reduce the range of signals (i.e. quieter sounds are made louder, louder ones made quieter). In the same way, if something good happens to a Christian, they praise god, knowing that god can take it away just as fast as he doleth it out; if something bad happens, it's for your own good ultimately. Either way, everything works for good (just like the Bible says in Romans 8:28, except the Bible fails to mention that this works only because we make our mind play tricks on us).

 

Happiness comes from inside of us and how we choose to interpret the world. For example, instead of getting upset about all the abused and homeless dogs in the world, I choose to go hug my rescue dogs and think about how loved and cared for they are.

 

​I am currently at the tail end of a divorce process. I am choosing to see it as a renaissance, rather than as a horrible termination of an ill-fated relationship that lasted too long.

 

 Meh. I'm rambling. Choose your joy. 

[yunea]

Indeed I too have been taught both at church and at the new agey circles I was involved in that if you're "right with god" or whatever, things can only be good for you.

 

Thanks for reminding me. This is why I went through some horrible things - I went into them trusting god would make sure that it could only turn out good for me, thanking him for past, present and future protection, even if my human flesh or whatever is afraid/hurt/etc. I'd never have allowed some people to cross my boundaries so badly if I hadn't trusted god to protect me from things that aren't good for me!

 

Now? Yeah. I try to take problems as they are. They're not signs of me missing out on god's big plan. They're not punishments. Sadness, grief, even depression are human - and understandable - emotions that deserve to exist AND deserve to be taken care of in ways that I choose. Not by "handing them to jesus" and then waiting, but by doing something in (gasp!) my own power.

 

Failure is human too, but it's not a law.

 

Yeah. Hm. Thanks Insightful.

[florduh]

“There are, then, two ways of understanding an experience. The first is to compare it with the memories of other experiences, and so to name and define it. This is to interpret it in accordance with the dead and the past. The second is to be aware of it as it is, as when, in the intensity of joy, we forget past and future, let the present be all, and thus do not even stop to think, “I am happy.” 
― Alan W. Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity

[qadeshet]

Life's a bitch and then you die.

[bruisermel]

Yup, can definitely relate.

 

For me, though, the happy feelings can come and go regardless of external circumstances, I've felt happy when shit was going on and less happy when things were fine around me and vice versa. 

 

This might be veering off a bit from your original thought/post, as this doesn't necessarily relate just to when things aren't going well externally in life, but just thought I'd throw a piece of my experience out there.

 

It was ingrained in me as a christian to be joyful in everything, worrying about nothing, with the implication (or explicit statement) that if you aren't joyful and happy you clearly aren't doing well in your walk with christ and you better get to work fixing it.  But that's the essence of christianity anyway, right? You're inherently broke and need fixing and only we (the church/christ) can fix you. 

 

This has lead to a carry over effect of my wanting to fix myself if I'm not feeling happy--this sounds alright in theory, but it always leads to me feeling worse.

 

Now when I don't "feel" happy my brain tells me there must be something wrong with me.  I start judging myself which leads to self-loathing which leads to less happiness.

 

Logically I don't think this is the right approach, but it's still my knee jerk reaction.

 

I agree with letting go of the notion we "should" feel happy all the time.  

 

When I'm feeling less happy and start the spiral of ruminating I try to stop the cycle by grounding myself in the moment and in logic and reality--what do I have going on that is good and stable? What can I do about this situation/feeling? What's out of my control? (like the idea of a secular serenity prayer as someone else mentioned).  

 

If I can't do anything about a said problem or feeling I try to distract myself from the unpleasant unhappy feelings--reading, working out, cooking, playing golf, doing something fun with hubs, being loved on by my dogs, hanging with a few fam members I'm close to, booze...all with variable effects but all typically better than stewing in my unhappy thoughts

 

I also agree that my true happy/peaceful/content times now feel deeper and bigger than they did as a christian. I cherish these times and try to relish in these moments when I'm fortunate enough to have them. I try to remind myself the bad feelings will pass like the sting of wasabi and many bad circumstances will also pass and in hindsight be a blip on the radar. 

[Wittyusername]

I have found 'The Feeling Good Handbook' Dr Burns to be immensely valuable. If you google that there is a very interesting TED talk about it. My previous coping strategy was to basically wait for magic to happen. God doing his plan, angels, all that. Now I am learning real tools to help me.

[SkepticalHumanist1980]

For me, one of the first things I do is to give myself permisson to feel whatever feelings I am having about the situation. Sometimes I journal about it. Sometimes I talk with a friend or loved one. And sometimes I just let myself have a good cry about it. Then, when I feel more in control I take some time to think about the problem. First I try to figure out if it is within my control. If it isn't I try to just accept things as they are and focus my attention to something else that will help me feel better (such as music, tv, podcasts, audiobooks, reading, crochet, spending time with family, etc.). If it is, I decide whether it is enough of a problem to me to do something about it. If it is, I talk to friends and family about it and/or seek out self help resources to figure out what to do. Then I begin working to solve the problem to the best of my ability. I also try to have compassion for myself if I am not progressing in the solving of my problem as quickly as I would like, but with my perfectionism issues that is a two steps forward one step back type of situation sometimes. It gets easier with practice though.

[Astreja]

When I hit a rough patch, I "borrow" courage from past successes:  "I got through _______, and I can get through this too."

I also try to stay on top of things, stay proactive, do as much as I can about the situation up front so that I have momentum going into the next day.