Breaking Fundamentalist Friendship Habits

[Riversong]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unfundamentalistparenting/2017/04/breaking-five-unhealthy-friendship-habits-fundamentalism/?ref_widget=related&ref_blog=unfundamentalistparenting&ref_post=leaving-fundamentalism-is-like-moving-away

 

"The biggest problem with friendships in fundamentalism is the inability to see people as human beings rather than an agenda. When a person’s eternal destination is of urgent priority, the nuances of their personality and humanity pales in comparison. This is the kind of baggage some of us may bring to adulthood and into parenting."

 

I thought this this article was a good read. 

[Positivist]

Thanks for posting ("sharing!" ).

I can relate to these. 

1. Make and keep friends. For years, I too had adopted the "ministry" mentality where I valued service over enjoying others' company for its own sake. In my last years in the faith, my fundy SIL, upon learning I had started a super-fun dinner club, said "Oh, you could go to the jail to minister after dinner!" and I'm like, "Well, we're pretty wasted by then, and that's not really what this is about, so....". That ministry bent is so prevalent and robbed me of many experiences! 
2. Codependence. The expectation to be “brothers and sisters in Christ” definitely hindered me from learning to slowly cultivate trust with others. Instead, I found myself giving others that "free pass on easy ‘friendships’" just because we were both at the same church. As an atheist, and as an adult, I had to learn how to be normal and how to cultivate normal friendships. Super-fun doing this stuff when you're 40. 
3. Healthy boundaries. It has taken me YEARS to learn how to have proper boundaries. I have crossed every road to get to every leper--even those who abused me. I was a doormat for Jesus! I often found myself trapped in toxic friendships in the name of love/Jesus/whatever. 
4. Cultivate diverse friendships. As a fundy I was super-insular. I had to be. I somehow knew that if I diversified my friendships that the wheels would come off my beliefs. Sure enough, in learning to love different kinds of people I had to start asking the hard questions that led me to atheism. 
5. Trusting our instincts. Fundagelicalism taught me to ignore danger signs, red flags, and gut feelings. It taught me that "I’m inclined to be selfish because of my sinful nature, therefore remaining in friendships that hurt me is a form of unselfishness." I remained in many toxic friendships as a result.

Wow. I have a lifetime of bad habits.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Special upvote to Positivist's #5. The whole system of Christianity relies on "believe us/the Bible and not your lying eyes." We are taught to distrust and discount our perceptions, judgment, instincts thoroughly. At the same time, other people's random inclinations can't be questioned if those people claim they are "leadings" or "promptings" of the HS and if those people present them in the right rhetorical envelope, esp. if they're in leadership positions.

[nutrichuckles93]

Oh boy, is that ever the case. That was the beginning of my faith's downfall: the pastor getting me to trust his direction, even if my direction wasn't even what would be considered sinful. Just because it wasn't what the leader said was God's leading.

[skysoar15]

On 5/9/2017 at 0:50 AM, Positivist said:

Thanks for posting ("sharing!" ).

I can relate to these. 

1. Make and keep friends. For years, I too had adopted the "ministry" mentality where I valued service over enjoying others' company for its own sake. In my last years in the faith, my fundy SIL, upon learning I had started a super-fun dinner club, said "Oh, you could go to the jail to minister after dinner!" and I'm like, "Well, we're pretty wasted by then, and that's not really what this is about, so....". That ministry bent is so prevalent and robbed me of many experiences! 
2. Codependence. The expectation to be “brothers and sisters in Christ” definitely hindered me from learning to slowly cultivate trust with others. Instead, I found myself giving others that "free pass on easy ‘friendships’" just because we were both at the same church. As an atheist, and as an adult, I had to learn how to be normal and how to cultivate normal friendships. Super-fun doing this stuff when you're 40. 
3. Healthy boundaries. It has taken me YEARS to learn how to have proper boundaries. I have crossed every road to get to every leper--even those who abused me. I was a doormat for Jesus! I often found myself trapped in toxic friendships in the name of love/Jesus/whatever. 
4. Cultivate diverse friendships. As a fundy I was super-insular. I had to be. I somehow knew that if I diversified my friendships that the wheels would come off my beliefs. Sure enough, in learning to love different kinds of people I had to start asking the hard questions that led me to atheism. 
5. Trusting our instincts. Fundagelicalism taught me to ignore danger signs, red flags, and gut feelings. It taught me that "I’m inclined to be selfish because of my sinful nature, therefore remaining in friendships that hurt me is a form of unselfishness." I remained in many toxic friendships as a result.

Wow. I have a lifetime of bad habits.

Me in a nutshell.

I especially relate to #1 and #2.

 

Boundaries don't exist when you're apart of the "church." 

That's just the truth. 

I've been in situations where I have shared my business with a small group leader, only to turn around and hear that another guy somehow knows about it.

I once viewed that as normal. 

 

I am still learning how to make sense of the 'real' world one day at a time. 

[Riversong]

4 hours ago, skysoar15 said:

Me in a nutshell.

I especially relate that of #1 and #2.

 

Boundaries don't exist when you're apart of the "church." 

That's just the truth.

I've been in situations where I have shared my business with a small group leader, only to turn around and hear that another guy somehow knows about it.

I once viewed that as normal. 

 

I am still learning how to make sense of the 'real' world one day at a time. 

Yes- that is me as well! I was in a college Christian group that was way too intrusive into everyone's private lives. You don't think to question the dynamics when you know it's for your own good.