I find myself increasingly frustrated by the sentiment that living in Europe makes 'coming out' as an atheist easy, that I should consider myself lucky to be in a country that is so accepting of the atheistic position.
While I would agree that, in comparison to the United States, Christianity is not so all prevailing here. It is more acceptable to be an atheist, but that does not mean there are not communities here that are as fundamentalist and imposing as those in the US. I find myself surrounded by Christianity, my entire family are Christians, my small social circle consists almost completely of Christians, my life has been saturated in Christian doctrine and I have made decisions and lived my life in the light of all of this.
So I don't feel so lucky right now. I find myself sitting and reading critiques of Christianity in secret, minimising windows and turning off my kindle should anyone come within the slightest chance of seeing what I am reading. I suppose I'm 'fortunate' that my current mental health allows for some understanding in my difficulty at getting out of the house, but I still make excuses for not going to church.
I feel entirely alone in this, I've lost my compass, lost my direction. The world seems strange and alien to me, cruel and vast and empty. I'm sure some of this could be attributed to my depression, but the longer I go through this process, the more I read, the more I battle with this internally and privately the more I realise how deep and tight a hold Christianity had on my entire life.
I'm terrified of the moment when I finally come to a decision, fearful of the reaction my family will have if and when I ever tell them what I'm thinking.
Perhaps when this is all over, I'll be more grateful for the different culture, but for now I don't feel so lucky.
Apologies for the little rant, it has just been bothering me.