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I Feel I've Come A Long Way

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crazyguy123

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Back in February 2013, when I was still a fairly new member, I posted my deconversion testimony. It can be found here: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/55452-my-deconversion/#.VH7w7cnzjaI

 

I recently re-read it again and the first thing I noticed was all of the grammar errors I made. My first instinct was to rewrite the whole thing and fix every single one, but then I realized that is probably not a good idea.

 

Back when I wrote my deconversion testimony, I can honestly say that I wasn't the same person that I am today. Back then, I was an insecure, recent deconvert who didn't even know what he wanted out of life yet. Also, at the time, my deconversion was still a fresh wound that had only just begun to scab over. The experiences that I described were still fresh in my mind as I was writing it and I can remember what an emotional experience it was to describe my experiences.

 

If I were to rewrite my testimony and correct all of the errors, it wouldn't be the same. It would no longer reflect the state of mind I was in at the time and the starting line of my uphill battle with self-induced depression and freedom from religion would no longer be visible.

 

Most of my progress happened this year and I've been evolving ever since. Last winter, I finally worked up the courage and the motivation to try applying for college and I've nearly completed 2 semesters already, which is crazy because I used to think there was no way I'd be able to do this. I also became employed for the first time earlier this year, back in the summer, and I am determined not to screw up.

 

I think a lot of my progress happened because of working and going to college. Slowly I've been learning not to be over-critical of myself and my failures. This bad habit I have of being my own worst critic is something that I inherited from my Christian days. Since I'm finally overcoming this problem, this just shows how much I have recovered from the damage caused by Christianity. I feel like I'm almost free. I still criticize myself a bit too much sometimes, but I'm getting better at putting a stop to it by focusing on something else. I'm learning not to feed that inner monster, so that it will go away.

 

Now, I am in what I think is the final stage of freeing myself from Christianity entirely. I am convinced that the only way to do this is to come out of the ex-Christian closet to the friends and family I have that are still religious, so that I no longer have to make excuses when I miss church for weeks at a time or worse yet, go to church and torment myself.

 

Since writing my deconversion testimony, I've fought my way up the hill for quite a while and defeated many of the mutated monsters that emerged from the rabbit holes of self-induced depression (which I think is caused by over-criticizing myself and my personal flaws). I've encountered many horrors and came close to running back the way I came and hiding in a hole, a few times. Now, I'm getting close to the top of this hill and I'm closing in on the three-headed dragon that lives up there. Maybe if I finally manage to slay this dragon, I will have defeated Christianity's grip on my life and I'll be free.

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crazyguy,

 

This is a great blog entry. It's helpful to see how far one has come, and it encourages other people. It seems you are indeed making great progress. I hope you will continue to blog here and periodically post about your continued progress. I also like your writing style and the imagery you use. You can indeed slay that three-headed dragon! Thanks for sharing.

 

Human

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