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Goodbye Jesus

Escape Route

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Of Guilt And Birth Certificates



So today I once again attempted to find where my mom hid my birth certificate and SSN card. She had mentioned that she had it all together for when we would go to get my passport. I know it has to be somewhere. So, I often go hunting for it when my mom is off somewhere. I often find stuff like drawings, crafts, school assignment, papers, and progress reports from preschool. This stuff eats me up. I feel really guilty for want to leave and rebelling against my family's wishes. I know I need to press forward but, it just eats me up.


I'd like to think my mother has two sides to her. One side, is a scary wave of anger that breaks me down to nothing. The second is a mother bear who ferociously protects her young. I do know she loves me to death and when I leave it will break her heart. I know she loves me because I am a stranger's child and she chose to adopt me. Her insistence of me having a conservative faith is evidence she loves me. Even if it's hell for me.


Being an atheist makes me realize that life is a precious commodity. I still need to get out of here before it's too late. I can't spend another minute trapped in a place that renders me mute and frightened.


She would be likely enraged if she found out I was on a site like this.


She will be likely enraged when I ask her for my papers.


I'll ask anyway.


If she doesn't give them to me I will get certified copies.


This will enrage her.


I'll do it anyway.

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you go girl! you are in control of your own life, and if someone is gonna try to control your life for you, you need to get out of that scenario ASAP. you deserve to be happy! this is gonna really suck going through all this drama, but it will be worth it in the end! we are all supporting you and whatever you do dont give up!

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It's interesting how we convince ourselves that when family rages at us and tries to control us, that they love us. I too grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and while things are much better between my dad and me now, I don't settle for crappy behaviors from him or anyone else. Giving you hugs, and be brave and I hope that things work out for you. 

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