The Secret Gospel of Steve.

A Satire.

5/14/05

Ben B.

 

 

*These apocryphal papyrus fragments were discovered in the caves of Qum'ran. They describe the lost years of Jesus’ life on earth, and subsequent second coming, by the previously unknown Apostle Steve. The Roman Catholic Church has added these fragments to the list of heretical works.

-Editor

 

Chapter I.

 

The book of the generation of Steve, the son of Mike, whose distant third-cousin twice removed is Jesus the Christ, the son of David.

 

Mike begat Roy; and Roy begat Dave; and Dave begat Tom; and Tom begat Jim; And Jim begat Maynard;

 

and Maynard begat Bob; and Bob begat Travis; and Travis begat Steve, the third-cousin twice removed from Jesus Christ, the son of david.

 

So all the generations from Mike to Steve numbered twenty-three, and it was good.

 

And so Jesus was born of Mary, and was as a child of five years of age unto mankind.

 

He was the true light unto the world, which was the opposite of the darkness,

 

And whosoever shall be in the dark, shall have light if he so desireth.

 

For when it is dark, it is not light; and in the light, there is no darkness.

 

And it came to pass, that it was dark in the house of the Lord,

 

And Mary spake unto Joseph, saying, "Hast thou not payeth thy bills for light?"

 

And Joseph said, "Alas, woman! Raise not your voice, for doest thou not knoweth all womankind is as a disease, and walketh in the ways of the wicked? Thou are not as man!"

 

And Jesus cried. And with this, Mary held Jesus, who is the Christ, and the son of David, and spake,

 

"Jesus is not of your seed. He is of the Lord's seed."

 

And Joseph was wroth, and left, and went unto the watering hole.

 

Yea, and so the truth cutteth through the darkness like a sword through the air.

 

And Mary left with Jesus, and went unto her mothers place.

 

Chapter II.

 

Now, when Jesus was to be sixteen, he didst command the pathways of Galilee.

 

And the Son of Man went unto Galilee before the masses.

 

And Jesus said, "The Son of Man hath no ass, and is forced to walk before thee."

 

And the masses did fear, and behold, a man from Galilee, who sold asses, spake, saying, "I have an ass for thee."

 

Now, the man from Galilee brought forth an ass, and it was a fine ass.

 

And Jesus said, "Lo! The Son of Man hath no ass. Who will be like unto this man, who is like unto the Lord?"

 

And the man didst giveth Jesus the reins to the ass, and the Son of Man did grin.

 

And Jesus did reign the paths and the byways of Galilee, and spoke in parables, saying,

 

"Whosoever doeth not seeth the coming of the Lord, is as dead, and shall have no life."

 

And it came to pass, that whosoever blocketh the way of Jesus, who is the Christ, and the Son of David, was runneth off the path and was smote by the Lord.

 

Chapter III.

 

And Steve knew Jesus, who is the Christ, and went unto him, and visited with Jesus when Jesus was twenty and one.

 

And Steve departed from Jesus and went home.

 

And Jesus followed him, saying, "Wither doest thou goeth, Steve?"

 

And steve said, "I must return to my dorm, for I have class tomorrow." And Jesus followed well behind, for he was well learned of God.

 

And Steve returned first, and Jesus waited before entering.

 

And a prophet of the Lord appeared unto Steve, saying,

 

"Behold, the Son of God followeth thee, and hath no place to stay. He will shew unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven."

 

And Steve trembled, for he was weak at the knees. And the angel said,

 

"Be not afraid, for thou art the third-cousin twice removed of Jesus. The Son of Man knocketh at thy door."

 

And Steve was not afraid, and Jesus knocked at the door.

 

And Steve said, "Who is it?"

 

And The Son of Man said, "It is I, Jesus. I have come to shew unto thee the keys to the kingdom of heaven."

 

When he heard this, he let Him in.

 

And Jesus said, "Behold, I shew thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven."

 

And in the midst of the left palm of Jesus was the Cannabis of Wisdom, and in the right hand was the Mushroom of Knowledge.

 

"I have brought thee manna from heaven. Smoke and ye shall find. Eat and it shall be opened."

 

But Steve did fear, for he had a test in the morrow.

 

And Jesus said, "Fear not! Doest thou not knoweth that I am the Son of God?"

 

And upon hearing this, Steve did partake in the communion of the Lord.

 

And Jesus said, "Thou art my Apostle, and thou shalt go forth in the world and prophesize."

 

The next day, Steve awoke late, and Jesus was gone.

 

And Steve had missed his test, for he had knowledge of the kingdom of heaven.

 

And Lo! Steve didst quit school, and became poor as Jesus, and became a camel salesman unto the Lord, and prophesized unto all who would hear.

 

Chapter IV.

 

In the days of Steve, the used camel salesman, they feasted upon meat and bread and water and fish and fruit and all things edible, and it was good.

 

And Steve lamented how Jesus was dead and buried, and rose on the third day.

 

And an angel of the Lord appeared unto Steve.

 

And the angel didst say, "Behold, I am an angel of the Lord!"

 

And Steve trembled with fear, as men do in the site of the angels of the Lord.

 

And the angel didst say, "Why doest thou tremble, doest thou not know the Son of Man shall return?"

 

And Steve trembled with fear. And the Angel didst say, "Tremble not, for I shall shew unto thee the day the Son of Man shall return!"

 

And the angel didst say, "The Son of Man returneth next thursday when the day is equal parts to the night and the sun is high!"

 

And the angel was gone, and Steve did not tremble and was filled with joy.

 

With the news of the angel, Steve didst quit his job as salesman of camels, for the Son of Man returneth soon.

 

And Steve went unto his master, and spoke, "I shalt worketh here no longer, for the Lord returneth soon!"

 

And his master said he needeth a two week notice, lest he shall give a poor recommendation.

 

But Steve didst not abide, and left. He walketh on foot, as his camel was of his masters, and the reins were not his.

 

And Lo! Steve went out before the masses and didst prophecy the return of the Son of Man as being next thursday, when the day and night were equal parts, and the sun is high.

 

And it was morning on the thursday. And in that day Steve was thirty and seven years of age, in which Jesus was to have been thirty and nine years of age.

 

But Steve was troubled, as he knew not where Jesus would return.

 

So, in the midst of his trouble, an angel of the Lord didst appear, and said,

 

"Lo! Has it not been prophesized the Lord shall return as he departed, on a cloud?"

 

With this, Steve looked up, and the angel was gone.

 

And Steve looked up unto the heavens, but there was no cloud to be seen in the sky.

 

And it is that Steve sold off everything he owned, for the day of reckoning draweth nigh.

 

And Lo! Steve saw off in the distance a greenish cloud of smoke, and ran towards it.

 

The cloud drew nearer, and Steve didst fall to his knees, for he thought Jesus hath returned.

 

And Lo! The Lord didst return, bearing the keys of the kingdom of heaven in each hand, as it was before.

 

And Steve did rejoice, and partook of the communion of the Lord, and ran to the masses to speak of Christ's return.

 

Jesus spake, saying, "Behold! Hath not the prophecy been fulfilled? I say unto thee, I have come in all the Lord's glory!"

 

But the masses were unconcerned, but thought it a neat trick, as they went this way and that, and were busy, and the attention span of the masses was not in years, as was needed to remember the return of the Lord.

 

So, in that day, Jesus and Steve returned unto Steve's master, and sold used camels together. Amen.