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Flying Solo




I cancelled my "date" tonight. We were supposed to watch a movie at my place, but I got to feeling exhausted and spread too thin and felt like I needed a little alone time.


I've been going out to dinner, drinking, and watching movies with him a lot since we first went out. I felt a wee bit guilty for wanting a break, but there really isn't anybody I want to see every day. I don't even want to see myself every day. There is probably something wrong with me. I'll attribute it to being ignored as a child and learning to enjoy being alone.


Wonder if I'll wreck this relationship just like the last one. I was always wanting alone time and Casey always wanted me to be with him. It got frustrating for both of us, and I could imagine he probably thought I didn't like him or maybe was seeing somebody else. All I wanted was some time to decompress.


I had a friend, Andrea, who worked with me when I traveled on the road caring for show horses. We always had to share hotel rooms with the people we worked with, and I remember we decided that rooming together was like being with ourselves. (Another chick, we decided, was like staying with our worst nightmare, and the trainer was like staying with nobody at all. We sat up nights thinking up things like this.) It was always easy to be with her because we felt no responsibility to entertain the other, not piss the other off, or whatever. Things were always okay and it truly was like staying with another me. I don't think I've ever given a man a chance to be like that.


I thought about calling him back and just inviting him over. I had a riding lesson tonight, so I was a little late getting finished, but he probably had nothing to do and would have been happy to come over even though I didn't have time to get the movie we wanted to see. But I don't think like that until it's too late.


I hope he learns to do things on his own, like go out with his buddies without me. I wouldn't mind. I don't want a 6'5" dog on a leash. Now that I've said that and written it for all to see: Stay tuned for my rant on how he never spends any time with me anymore. I am Woman, after all.



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