The family saga of drama continues. Right when I think things are comfortable and good things start to happen, the gooey strings of life's historical bubble gum sticking to my shoe seems to reappear. I am seriously starting to wish I would be working on weekends so that I wouldn't come in contact with such aggravation. My Mondays are always so shitty because I am processing the bullshit from the previous Saturday and Sunday in a calmer state.
As those of you who follow my blog already know, my oldest two daughters were given up for adoption about 7 years ago. I've kept distant contact with them because I don't want to be a distraction from the ultimate goal of that adoption: stability. Well, over the last 12 months, contact has really picked up a lot between my youngest daughter (16 yrs) and the whole family. I say whole family because we are talking about my parents, her father's family, and my immediate family. While I am not overly thrilled about the first two, it is her choice, and I completely support her for it. All I have asked of her is to avoid putting me in a position of having to deal with my parents. Of course, I made it abundantly clear the issues we have are not her business and won't reflect on her whatsoever, blah blah blah. I sincerely mean that, though I doubt my parents will stick to it.
And after this past week, I realize they are using my daughter to get to me, and I am furious. They are absofuckinglutely doing their best to taint my relationships with my children by passively interfering. I must say I am very proud of the fact that time and again I have managed to resist their baiting and have not sent any type of nasty email or even contacted them on any level until this past weekend. This latest correspondence I sent was very unemotional, to the point, and not exactly reaction inspiring, as tempting as doing the opposite was.
I let go of anger, and they start pushing some buttons, and I have not found a way to not get angry all over again. It doesn't help that I have zero control over my daughters visiting them. I am at a point that I just want to lay it all to waste. Contact every relative out there, send them all the proof of what neglectful pieces of shite my parents are and have an all out mud slinging fest. Like it would do any good since most of the family doesn't know us that much anyway. Gawr! I hate beating my head against a wall.
So to this weekend's events.
I received a phone call, yet again, from my ex-boyfriend that our son Brett was invited to visit my parents' home over the weekend since my youngest daughter Rachel was coming to visit. This was on Thursday. The ex advised them that it was my weekend and that they should contact me and leave a message, but he would also pass along the information in hopes he could pick up Brett earlier on Sunday and have him stop in and see Rachel. No mention of Sean (oldest son), was made in the invite. The ex assumed they would call me and invite Sean, and I agreed they probably would and said an early pick up on Sunday would be fine. Saturday morning rolls around. Still no phone call, email, voicemail. Nada. Saturday afternoon rolls around with much the same, and I knew Sean wasn't going to be invited. I told the ex there hasn't been an invite, and he is all "WTF?". I agreed and said I would rather the boys go with me to the Cinco De Mayo festivities that Sunday instead and it was bullshit I should have Sean call and ASK to be invited over to see his sister he rarely sees. Ex agreed, but asked that I handle the cancellation, which is what I did. Gave no reason, just said Brett couldn't make it, but they were welcome to schedule another visit some other time and that both Brett AND Sean would be glad to hear from them any time. Of course, I again left all the contact numbers.
No reply until Sunday afternoon.....but it was Rachel calling. She spoke to the boys for a few, then she got on the horn with me. She was so happy, which lifted my mood about the situation considerably. Loves to go yard saling, found some cool stuff, got to drive around on the different mowers my parents own. I reminded her of some other times she got to ride in the pull cart when she was younger out there. I encouraged good memories. How shitty am I, really?
She then mentioned she had to be home by 5:30p.m. It was already after two o'clock, but she told me my mom had invited us all out to see her and hang out....so, I put some things in perspective about why I couldn't come out there. I told her if it weren't for my ex, I wouldn't have even known she was out there and that I cannot be around my parents any longer. It was nothing personal against her, but there are some major family issues and I won't subject myself to it any more. I then asked her if she would feel comfortable visiting at the mall this afternoon? We could all meet there. She liked the idea a lot and said she would let me know after she spoke with her granny. After all, my parents would be 3 miles from the mall dropping her off at her home that afternoon anyway, so it wasn't out of the way for them to do that instead. We continued on about school, her home life, and her older sister Denise.
Denise has been distant, and this has really frustrated Rachel because they have talked for years about reuniting, but now that the moment is here, Rachel feels Denise is avoiding it all. I reminded Rachel that while it is wonderful to have all these experiences, it also brings with it a lot of pain, questions, and soul searching. Denise might not be ready for any of that yet and to just let her take her time. Rachel was much younger than Denise when it all went down, and I don't think her memory is as clear as her older sister's is. She seemed to calm down after that and relaxed on the subject. She was very much upset by her sister's inaction, but I think she might get a better understanding of why things are as they are right now. I told her that if Denise is taking her time, it is further proof that she already knows we are willing to wait on her and doesn't feel any unnecessary pressure to act right away. We aren't going anywhere. It was a good heart to heart and I am glad I put that out there. And that is how that phone call ended with a visit still pending.
An hour later, Rachel gets on Skype and lets me know that she can't meet me at the mall. I didn't ask why. I don't want her anymore in the middle than she has to be, but it burns my ass they are this fucking stubborn. I did question her about how she has been able to get visitation with family since her adoptive mother, about 6 months ago, was really putting her on lock down if she contacted us. Apparently the mother moved out, Rachel and Denise are allowed to contact who they want so long as it doesn't come to the home with trouble. So, I asked her why don't we just pick her up at the library near where she lives and she can come visit on the weekends at my place with the boys? There wasn't even a hesitation in her agreement. I managed to eliminate the middle man; i.e. my parents.
I also noticed there was a message on their from my mother earlier in the week on Tuesday:
Hi Amanda Just to let you know that Rachel will be spending the weekend with us and Sean is invited to come and visit too. I would ask Sean, but he will say I have to ask Mom. So let me know if you will allow him to come to visit. He is welcome. Mom
[4/30/2013 5:29:17 PM] Marquita Weikert: Amanda you are welcome to come to. We will be picking her up on Saturday morning. Let us know. We do love both you and Sean. Mom
I had already made it clear in previous emails to call, send an email, leave a voice mail. Make arrangements with Sean, he will get with me on schedule, and we would make it happen. Three times she has done this, three times I have agreed and made arrangements, and three times they have not followed through. Now, she didn't even bother to call us, no email, she used Skype knowing damn well, as I had told her, I would only use it when Rachel let me know she would be on to chat. I don't use Skype. Period. The fact she sent this on a Tuesday, still didn't bother to fucking call as a follow up when not hearing back, screams game playing like a son of a bitch. I told the ex she did in fact send me a message on Tuesday, but on Skype, and he even asked why she would do that, let alone not follow up? I think she sent it this way in order to clear herself if I claim she didn't contact me, which, as far as I am concerned, she did not. She does shit like this with emails. I will send a response, she will preview it before my father sees it and then delete it if there is anything remotely incriminating in it. Cannot stand this woman at all anymore.
So, I am AGAIN reminding her what the boundaries are?
Please, when contacting me for visits with Sean, either call the house at xxxxxxxx, leave a voice mail on either mine or Darryl's cell numbers xxxxxx (my cell) xxxxxx (darryl's cell), or send an email to the address I have told you to contact me at xxxxxxxxx.com. Otherwise, I will not get your messages. Also, when making promises for overnights, or going to special events like River Clean Up, please take the time to call Sean and cancel when you cannot do these events. Sean is really at the point he doesn't care if he has you in his life anymore or not. My being a participant is not a requirement for you to have a relationship with your grandson. If you do not call regularly, then when you do call, naturally an 11 yr old will not have much to say since he has nothing to go off of as far as a relationship goes. I am no longer making Sean call anymore to facilitate your relationship with him, seeing how that is disagreeable for me to do in the first place apparently. Your relationship is as good as you choose to make it. It should not be incumbent upon a once 10 now soon to be 12 year old to run after relatives that clearly had not have had interest over the last 16 months. Mamaw put forth more effort, and I still mourn her loss to this day even after only that short span of time I really got to know her. You can still have this with Sean, and he is keenly aware of what is going on, especially when Brett comes out bragging about movies. This is not me starting a war of words here. This is how we perceive things whether you agree they are accurate or not. The majority of folks looking in see it as we do though, and it would be appreciated that you step up. I am not asking you to come all the way to Kentucky to see your grandson, but I no longer wish to personally associate with you and Ray. 20 minutes to pick up Sean at the mall is a small thing to ask, and if it is about money for gas and food, that is not an issue.
I am hoping this is not too inflammatory. I cannot avoid laying blame here. I've done the nice tact route too often, giving them a fake benefit of the doubt. I just hope this either wakes them up or puts them out permanently. One or the other. I'm done with in-between skirmishing.