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The Dark Days





The hard realities that come with a life not spilling over with delusion seems so cold and heartless at times doesn't it?


Everyone has their cushy comforts of eternal bliss and like minded friendships to rely upon when in the faithful flock. I have days where I am so pissed that I don't get to have all the answers like they think they do. Others, where I envy the communities that the faithful have built for themselves. Admittedly, I try to look down upon what they are doing with some level of snide callousness, thinking to myself,"This isn't real, and they aren't REALLY happy. They are scared at heart."


These are dark days when I feel this way.


The reality of my attitude? I'm jealous because there are those in the religious community who are genuinely happy and experiencing a full life in their little biblical bubbles. I'm out here, struggling in a religious world trying to find my own equal footing, being happy in my own world that doesn't accept me.


I want to believe what they do. I want to be apart of the majority and fit in. I want to have eternal life and a pain free eternity with those I love. It seems I experience a bit of atheistic buyer's remorse because it sure sounds nice with everything the believers have.


Unfortunately, I want reality more. Including all the pressure it brings to make the right decisions the first time around. The demand to think deeply on issues that face not just myself, but to also act on them in a manner that is helpful.


I want the reality that by only having this single life, I must spread outside my personal circles and know as many people as I can before I die. I want to touch as many lives as possible. I want the reality that because there isn't an afterlife, I need to create a legacy worthy of remembrance. I want the reality that I am apart of the majority -- the human majority, and together we can accomplish much.



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I'm sorry that you have these periods of struggling :( I can totally understand how being surrounded by Christians all day can be suffocating, and bring this kind of "buyer's remorse" as you put it to the forefront of your mind. I honestly wish that all the ex christians there in the US either moved to a highly atheistic American city, or found a home overseas so they can see what things are like to be in for the most part, a secular community. I can't recommend Australia enough for that :)

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Aw thank you Jaded. I noticed many folks seem to be going through their own version of dark days lately.  Maybe it's a moon phase screwing with us or the crappy weather?? LOL Overall, I am okay. I have reached a point that when I feel the regret (not in the lack of belief, but not being apart of a community), self analysis helps me pull through it pretty dang quickly. I rarely dwell on it more than an hour or two and move on. It's jealousy when one gets down to it, well, at least for me it is, but when I look at the fantastical package of mythology and ritual I passed up, I see how limiting it would be to actually live that way. 


Someday, I really hope atheists do a better job of getting together and forming their own communities. It's tough being female and an atheist. There is still a lot of sexism in the world, and I look forward to an existence where I don't have to keep proving my knowledge and understanding simply because I have a vagina. ;) When we get to a point of all inclusiveness in our ranks, then I will no longer experience any regret at all. Atheism is a pioneering frontier right now.

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Oh believe me I have this desperate heartache and loneliness that I can never be part of the community I thought I was supposed to be part of.  And although I've had it hard, I used to have this view of life as a fairytale (poison apples happen in life but in the end it's always happily ever after).  For me the fairy tale worldview was based on the eternal life I was going to have with my family and friends and loving god.  When that foundation shattered and I could no longer believe in it, when I came to the harsh understanding that not all endings are happy....believe me there was shock and fear, depression and loneliness.  Whatever happens in life, my a-family has the comforts of their church community and certainty of eternal life and loving god to get them through.  I don't have that.  Whatever road I'm walking, I'm alone and in the dark and there's no end in sight.  But even still, I believe I am on the right path.  I am not waiting for anyone to come rescue me or for false delusions to comfort me.  I am prepared for the worst, and that in itself is an advantage.

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And remember you can always form yiur own circle of community. I am actively working towards that in my own local area so I have the joy of felliwship. I worry sometimes about the back lash from those who would see me as threatening their precious church fellowships (like I am only trying to subvert THEIR god), but I refused to be bullied into exile when clearly others are like me out there.

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