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Pretty Hypocritical Advice From Someone Who Was Happy To Throw His Daughter Away


TheBluegrassSkeptic

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Wow.

 

Just. Wow.

 

You know, I find it funny how he had the nerve to speak on people just throwing away others. That's exactly what he did to me after abusing me for years. What a pos. Hopefully my daughter (my youngest daughter who is 17), will keep a realistic perspective on what he is advising.

 

There are days I feel like this man is daring me to call him out. Why poke a hornet's nest?

 

It also killed me how he made it clear "shacking up with the opposite gender". This man has had many occurrences of porn on his comp. He had a thing for erotic stories. I only know this because my mom had me work on his computer years ago and we saw a huge cookie listings for all the erotic stories he'd like to read. What a fucking hypocrite!

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I outed the abuse when I was 15 years old. This was back in '93. Dad admitted to it shortly after punching me in the mouth when I accused him of teaching me to lie when mom confronted him with what I told her. Needless to say, police got involved because dad became suicidal later that night, and made me come home from my friend's house I was staying at.

 

I didn't want to go back. I told the cop I would kill myself before living there anymore. Cop said he was sorry, that he believed me (since dad admitted it to him), but that I had to go back.

 

The next two weeks, all I kept hearing was,"They're going to put your father in jail." Over. And over. And over. And over. And over.

 

That meant mom didn't give a shit about me, so I knew I could at least secure an agreement to let me move out and they could go about their life without me. I was only 15 and didn't understand the longterm repercussions I would face, and had ZERO counselors willing to speak with me on the issue. My school didn't want to be any part of it, and children services simply got a statement from me and didn't bother to contact me anymore after that.

 

So, I agreed to drop charges (no one had told me what I needed to do in order to press them), and mom and dad signed me off to get married and let me move in with my best friend.

 

Really fucked up. Now, 20 years later, there isn't shit I can do. I have the proof of his abuse with legal docs that confirm there was a confirmed abuse issue in my home life, but something holds me back. Not sure what it is. I think I know it won't make a difference to put it all out there as far as how people see me. Those who know me, know I was abused, and those are the people who are important to me. Everyone else it doesn't matter.

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I know that the system has to work for some people, but it certainly hasn't for me any anyone I know. I was in foster homes for many years while my mother struggled with mental illness. In some I experienced physical abuse which I had absolutely no problem with telling my case worker about, but all I received in return was "they'll look into it". It wasn't until years afterwards that I found out from my mother that he just told her that I was a complainer. Yeah, thanks buddy.

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I am so.sorry to hear you went through such a horrible time in state care. I worried about that for my own two daughters, but figured it was worth the risk since I was mentally unstable and their father was very sick with mental illness too. I was the only one in both sides of the families to know my girls didn't have a chance unless surrendered. They lucked out. Very nice family took them in and provided a safe home. I couldn't see juggling them in foster care for five years while I straightened my shit out. I feel so terrible at times that motherhood wasn't enough to snap me into a responsible adult, but it didn't. I was a seriously damaged individual. Some folks just opt to never deal with it. Shit my own parents look down on me for letting my daughters go. Like they have any advice worth a crap, right?

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yeah, i guess it's just frustrating for me to see the state fuck up so much. Not only in my experience, but in many other people I know, including yours as well. Like goddamn man, where were people for you after you reported that shit? It seems insane that it just gets left on the wayside as if we're talking about parking tickets or something.

 

I'm sorry to hear about happened with your kids, life's a cluster fuck sometimes, and you can't always follow the path you set out for yourself, right? You did the right thing, with the options you had available and anyone who tells you differently can go fuck themselves, especially if they happen to be your parents.

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I think zomberina, you can be proud of yourself to have had the courage to let your daughters go for those five years in order to be able to face your own issues. So many parents just try to keep on the smiles and not even realizing it is not doing any good to their kids. Like my adopting parents who to this day are not able to communicate the most trivial things like what time they wanted to leave the house for a vacation.

And meanwhile they pretend as if they had been the best parents who did everything right and don't realize how damaging that is not only to me but themselves as well. Makes me mad every time.

 

And my biological mom has dealt with her issues but in a way she has not really dealt with it if that makes any sense. Like she runs from coaching to coaching and finds one method over another and then tries to convince me to try it as well. It feels the same way Christians try to convince you about Jesus and all. While I understand her feeling guilty for having me given up for adoption it is a difficult relationship for me. I constantly have to chose my words carefully and also to be prepared to get pseudo psycho analyzed by her. And that's my main issue I have with her. It is about her all the time. Her getting in touch with me, her wanting to say sorry for stuff I was not even mad about, her asking for forgiveness for things I have forgiven long time ago and told her so etc. It makes it all so hard to connect with her, since she is not really looking to connect with me or she is not able to. Might sound harsh maybe, but it is what it is.

 

So I give you great credit for dealing with your burdens and even if it took five years of not having had the chance to be your children's mother, you have the chance to be their mother now and this is what is important.

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You know, I worry sometimes I am not pushy enough with my girls sometimes, as far as pushing a relationship with them. I am all they really have that is worth a shit on both sides of the family (not counting their equally aged cousins of course). I worry they will burn bridges with the family that adopted them and I do not want to see that happen. I drop in my little notes and chat, but I try to not pressure a conversation about everything that happened. Honestly, they were 8 and 10 at the time I let themgo. There might not be any questions or discussion to have. I just worry I give the impression I am avoiding it all.

 

Oh well, we have at least another 30 years or more if there are things to be ironed out, right?

 

I hear you on being constantly analyzed. I have an ex sil who does that a lot. I have avoided her like the plague. I know you don't want that to happen with you and yours, but I don't miss the drama that aviidance issues brings.

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I think, you can't push a relationship on your daughters anyways, so I think you should stop beating yourself up about it. When my biological mom tried to, she failed miserably because I was so not ready for it the way she thought it had to be and happen. And I just postponed my wanting to get to know her because of that experience. It happened twice. Once when I was 16 and then when I was 18 again.

 

So I was 8 too, when the adoption was complete. I can't say I was unlucky, yet I can't say I was lucky either. I just got into a very weird fundamental nonfundamental christian family and my adopting mom had four boys of her own that are all younger than me. But that's another story.

Anyways, there had been a time when I wanted to burn bridges. But then again I think I could never have done that. I know there are people who do. I met adopted people and some of them when they found out they where adopted burned all the bridges to their adopting parents, which I don't understand except if you had been beaten or abused.

 

Also I can tell you from my experience, there is something special to blood relatives. I only understood that when I met my biological mother when I was 24. I had some similar feelings when I visited my aunt once before that. But I never really thought about it back then. But even when I don't feel very close to my mother, I know she is my mother, there is something that I can not really put into words. Sounds a little off somehow. I don't have that with my adopting mother, even though with her there also is a connection. But it is quite different and I would say that is because I grew up at her family.

 

There is not much more I can say and I don't really know if it helps you, but I thought I post it just in case.

Maybe one thing. I think foster children and adopted children are pretty sensitive. They feel when someone is real and respects them and when not, when someone is interested in who they really are or just in who they are supposed to be. They value realness and honesty over most everything. It is what I have observed and experienced myself. So far what I have read and seen of you I think you do great and you can trust in you doing the right thing. Your daughters will ask the questions when the time is right and they know they can be completely honest and real. I know I would and I did as far as it was possible.

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