ReneeRadical! Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 Thats right, "spiritual warfare" where satan send his legions of demons out to destroy chrisitans! Every christian has either experienced it or known of someone who has. It seems like while I believed, this was almost 95% of the time. By the way i'm brand new, first post...hello. Ok sorry about that, i'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I didn't feel like making a testimony or something cause I don't feel like i'm fully "free" yet. So, my mother is very very "spiritual" she doesn't like the word religion or religious. But shes very strong in her faith and raised my brothers and I to have the same faith. I was kind of always a christian by name, I never practiced my faith too much, yet I always had a fear of the devil and demons, especially demonic possession. irrational, i know. About two years ago I kind of just gave up on faith altogether. I couldn't believe anything in the bible, yet I knew questioned jesus' existence because i was simply afraid to. But then I watched zeitgeist (i know, i know) and i had that enlightenment. Like this weight was lifted off my shoulders (yay god doesnt exist!). Sometime earlier this year, before I moved to california, I wanted to get over this fear of demons and stupid shit like that and I made myself watch videos of supposid (possessions) most weren't anything too unusual, just people screaming and flailing around. I laughed and said they were stupid, it was like a coping mechanism. While i lived with my dad, I started suffering from panic attacks for the first time (very stressful situation i left back home and it caught up with me). My last night there, i was crying because i felt one coming on, then my dad was like here, read some scripture. So as I was reading, I remembered all of those videos I had watched and I felt very evil, almost involuntary. I began to freak out (omg im fucking possessed! wruohfreoifjewihrf aaaaaahhhh!) running around shouting prayers like an idiot, i called an ambulance and spent the night there. The next morning i flew back to my home town and stayed with my mom. I told her what happened and she told me that it definitely was demons and i needed deliverance. I was crying because I was so confused and feeling totally fucked up. I literally felt like I was going to lose my fucking mind. I didn't believ in god, yet i felt like i was being attacked by evil. So i just let myself accept jesus and fight it off that way. This was about almost three months ago. Ive moved in with my old friend and have been having conflicting thoughts. I know for a fact that I have POCD (purely obsessional OCD) so that does not help my problems. I feel like everything has to be about evil. I don't want that. I liked my life before without believing. But I feel guilty for not trying hard enough. I feel like i'm giving into evil and letting it win. Has anyone experienced this? please help. Im sorry for this being so long and im not trying my best with punctuation and all of that, i just dont care right now. I feel worthless because i feel like im giving into the "devil" by not trying to fight him off, but at the same time, if i dont even really believe in jesu or god, then evil doesn't exist either. Why can't i just understand that?... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franko47 Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 Hello, Renee, and welcome to the site. It can be all very confusing at times, I know, especially when one links panic attacks (OCD, anxiety disorders) with all this religious crap. I used to suffer from panic attacks, and yes, I know how it does feel as though "something" external to you is trying to screw you up or something. But that is only in the imagination. This battle with ideas about demons and the devil will keep trying to fuel itself as long as one keeps believing that there is something to it. Once you realize that these are imaginary fears (regardless of what poisonous Christian thinking says) they will start to subside. There's no need to feel ashamed because you have to wrestle with this problem a bit; everybody wrestles with something, don't they ? As you read more and more about the stories and thoughts of former Christians who have de-converted and overcome these fears, you might feel better about much of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReneeRadical! Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 Thanks a lot : ). I know this site will definitely help me. So stoked I found it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shyone Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 I feel like everything has to be about evil. I don't want that. I liked my life before without believing. But I feel guilty for not trying hard enough. I feel like i'm giving into evil and letting it win. Has anyone experienced this? please help. Im sorry for this being so long and im not trying my best with punctuation and all of that, i just dont care right now. I feel worthless because i feel like im giving into the "devil" by not trying to fight him off, but at the same time, if i dont even really believe in jesu or god, then evil doesn't exist either. Why can't i just understand that?... Welcome to the site! I think you'll find you are not alone. I myself dropped religion and belief many years ago, and I can assure you life is a lot easier that way. Your realization, "Yay god does not exist!", is the correct one as far as I can see (and I've spent a lot of time thinking and researching). There are many things that you are not scared of but others are. You probably don't fear the boogie man, being reincarnated as an insect, or ghosts. Instead of adding these, just subtract the demon stuff. There are no more demons than boggie men. Being obsessive is something that can be helped. You seem to be trying to fight this battle yourself, but that isn't always possible. I have what I could call "OCD trait". Mild, I do repetitive things that look silly but are basically harmless. I also know that I could stop it, but I wouldn't gain enough to warrant the trouble, so I put up with it. Your problems sound much more intense, and your need on at least one occasion to visit a hospital tells me that you may have trouble coping with these issues. It doesn't help to have people around you reinforcing your OCD. So, as trite as it may sound, I recommend that you seek professional help. If the first place you go doesn't take it seriously or doesn't really do any good, get another opinion and/or find someone else that can help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReneeRadical! Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 Thanks again! yes, ive suffered with it since i was a child. I told myself this year that when I have a steady income, id really like to see a psychologist or therapist, something of that nature. A little nervous, because I don't talk about my thoughts, because i'm afraid too. Also because I feel that if i say them outloud they wil become true! (which is just another part of OCD) haha. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vomit Comet Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 Oh, I could talk for hours and hours about that spiritual warfare shit. It's bad enough being caught up in fundamentalist Christianity to begin with. All that Dungeons & Dragons stuff is an extra added layer of shittiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReneeRadical! Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 Oh, I could talk for hours and hours about that spiritual warfare shit. It's bad enough being caught up in fundamentalist Christianity to begin with. All that Dungeons & Dragons stuff is an extra added layer of shittiness. hahahahaha d/d reference made me laugh so hard. that was awesome. thank you <333 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MultifariousBirdLady Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 I feel like everything has to be about evil. I don't want that. I liked my life before without believing. But I feel guilty for not trying hard enough. I feel like i'm giving into evil and letting it win. Has anyone experienced this? please help.... I feel worthless because i feel like im giving into the "devil" by not trying to fight him off, but at the same time, if i dont even really believe in jesu or god, then evil doesn't exist either. Why can't i just understand that?... Hi Renee, Welcome to the list! I remember that feeling well. You're not alone in having this experience. It's not unusual to "know" something is not true in your head while still reacting emotionally like you used to as a Christian. One of the things that helped me get through this was Marlene Winell's "idea monster" techniques found in Leaving the Fold. If you are in the US, you can get this book through an InterLibrary Loan (ask at the front desk of your local library) to check it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Sometimes the mind just does not know how to cope with things, especially when you start to panic because you know a panic attack is about to hit. Since there is a lot of emotional tension that has to be released, the mind just does what it know how to do and that is to act like a possessed person. It's an emotional catharsis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franklyorange Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 But I feel guilty for not trying hard enough. I feel like i'm giving into evil and letting it win. Has anyone experienced this? I used to think my depression and anxiety attacks were demon manifestations. Actually, my obsession with spiritual warfare being the source of all my problems had the opposite effect: it caused me to just give up on life in many ways, because "rebuking the demons" sure as hell didn't work. People praying for me didn't work. Or it was always because of some unconfessed sin in my life, not going to church, etc. But I could not make myself go to church anymore. Suffering mentally was better than going into those snakepits called American churches. Then I went to see a medical doctor, got on medication, and found almost instant relief. Then I got into some behavioral reconditioning (psychotherapy) and started educating myself. That's the key word: EDUCATION!! I no longer limited my world to the bible being the sole source of information. I started reading self help books, like M. Scott Peck (whom I highly recommend). God, the Universe, whoever, gave me a brain and I started using it. I'm now walking on a path to spiritual/mental and physical health and it feels fanfrickintastic!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eveningmeadows Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hi! Glad you found this site, it will help you in many ways! In my experience, no one in the church ever suggested that I get medical help for my depression. It just added to my guilt. I thought I was "crazy"! Our bodies aren't perfect, but it's much harder for mental illnesses to be taken seriously, especially by the church. The advice to get medical help will be good for you. I don't know if anyone in your religious community has suggested that god alone never "healed" anyone. I've found that just acknowledging that I have problems has helped me. I don't have to feel guilty, or like I'm not good enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReneeRadical! Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 But I feel guilty for not trying hard enough. I feel like i'm giving into evil and letting it win. Has anyone experienced this? I used to think my depression and anxiety attacks were demon manifestations. Actually, my obsession with spiritual warfare being the source of all my problems had the opposite effect: it caused me to just give up on life in many ways, because "rebuking the demons" sure as hell didn't work. People praying for me didn't work. Or it was always because of some unconfessed sin in my life, not going to church, etc. But I could not make myself go to church anymore. Suffering mentally was better than going into those snakepits called American churches. Then I went to see a medical doctor, got on medication, and found almost instant relief. Then I got into some behavioral reconditioning (psychotherapy) and started educating myself. That's the key word: EDUCATION!! I no longer limited my world to the bible being the sole source of information. I started reading self help books, like M. Scott Peck (whom I highly recommend). God, the Universe, whoever, gave me a brain and I started using it. I'm now walking on a path to spiritual/mental and physical health and it feels fanfrickintastic!! thank you for your reply! but it is funny you mention scott peck because he has a book, i believe his last one actually, called "glimpse of the devil". its about one (maybe two) of his patients dealing with problems and just could not seem to help themselves which ultimately led to an exorcism which he was present for and it changed his whole view on the concept of evil, basically convincing him that evil (devil) is infact real. this book scared the shit out of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura76 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I love this site too and I'm not even an Exchristian yet. I also have struggled with agoraphobia, panic disorder and panic attacks since my parents divorce when i was 18. My childhood home was sold and i was moved around, the 2nd move was to a different state, so i was in 3 schools my senior year! So, that is when my troubles started. I never questioned God till then, even after a childhood full of abuse... but the more i learned and the more i experienced from so called christians and churches the more I wondered about God. I'm still christian so that scares some people on this site i think, but I know too much and understand too much now to preach to exchristians or atheists. My experiences are my own and cannot be recreated so i don't see much point in preaching anyway. I'm not here to bash but to share and experience this wonderful site just like the rest! Peace... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vomit Comet Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 hahahahaha d/d reference made me laugh so hard. that was awesome. thank you <333 Here's one that Phanta came up with: Pentecostals (of the demon hunting variety) are like LARPers who don't realize it's pretend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hi and welcome to the forum. I haven't dealt with many of the problems you are discussing, but I did grow up in churches and with a family who very much believed that the world around us was evil, that satan and his demons were out to get us, and most people in my church (including my own parents) claim to have seen/heard demons. For years I was terrified of the dark because I was afraid of a demon showing up in room during the night, and would nightly rehearse how I'd deal with the situation. Of course, I find it somewhat interesting that people only ever saw these demons at night... Anyways, something that I would find very helpful was to take some time each day (or preferably several times a day) to pay attention to something good - whether it was a flower growing beside the road, the affection of one of my pets, just a beautiful day - whatever - and to focus on that when I started to get scared again. It helped me to ground myself from that fear. It didn't erase the fears, but it did help to lesson them since my imagination wasn't allowed to keep formulating crazy ideas. It took some practice before I could keep my focus for awhile, but since the memories were fresh from that day, they weren't hard to remember. The key, however, was to really appreciate my "good" thing and really lock it in my mind, not just glance and go "oh, that's nice" but to really take a few moments to appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franklyorange Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I never read that one, thanks for the warning. I read his first book, "Road Less Traveled" while he was still a Buddhist (he later converted to christianity, but a very liberal christian). Every writer, teacher, has to be taken with a grain of salt, of course. That's what is so wonderful about breaking free out of the fundamentalist mindset, you can think for yourself, find out what works for you, you're no longer tied to some dogma that just doesn't cut it in one's life experience. Good luck in ur future journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 thank you for your reply! but it is funny you mention scott peck because he has a book, i believe his last one actually, called "glimpse of the devil". its about one (maybe two) of his patients dealing with problems and just could not seem to help themselves which ultimately led to an exorcism which he was present for and it changed his whole view on the concept of evil, basically convincing him that evil (devil) is infact real. this book scared the shit out of me I read that one, and I thought it was a crappy book. I thought "what the hell happened to this guy"? I was quite surprised. He came down quite a few notches from "The Road Less Traveled". After that I was not wanting to read anything else the man wrote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renoliz Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 I have had panic attacks and I think they went away when I resolved a lot of my emotional issues. I also learned a few techniques to calm myself down and to relieve stress. I was definitely having panic attacks and nightmares when I left Christianity. I kept telling myself that I had done the research, hell is not real, listen to your rational mind. You can get through this. I am doing much better now. Keep telling yourself to listen to your rational mind and not your emotional mind on the demons issue. Demons are not real. They are only a fabrication of your brain. Then go do something else besides listening to your emotional brain. Take a walk and notice the world around you, work on a project, cook a great meal, read a good book, something besides worrying for ten or fifteen minutes. A lot of times that is all it takes to get your mind back on track. With some practice you can learn to take back control of your brain. Consider professional help, if you think you need it. I like what Hrdwarrior said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Good advice, but you are responding to something she posted nearly a year ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renoliz Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Good advice, but you are responding to something she posted nearly a year ago. I'm having a rough night. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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