Mister Pappy Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I have been a member of many discussion groups online over the last ten years - most of which included a section dedicated to the telling of one's tale. I have never participated until now. Nowhere on paper or in digital form is there a record of "my story". ExChristian.Net has grown to feel like a home among friends for me, and this place in time feels like the time to tell it like it was. It has been twenty-five years or more since I tearfully laid down the vestiges of Christianity and set sail upon the seas of logic and reason; what a journey it has been; what unexpected sadness has befallen me along the way; what inexplicable joy has overtaken me; what a loss I have suffered; what glorious new gifts I have discovered; what a remarkable adventure! I was fully breech born in Corinth, Mississippi on August the 18th, 1966 at the hands of a drunken Christian doctor, who almost cost me my life, and was placed snuggly under a Pentecostal church pew for safe keeping on the morning of August the 21st, 1966. There I would spend the next three years looking up the dresses of the holy ghost filled dancers in high heels, as their spikes missed my head by only inches. When I emerged from my cave-like dwelling, I was well on my way to being fully indoctrinated. I knew what hell was. I knew heaven was where I was going to spend eternity, and I knew I was going to be a preacher someday. My grandfather was a preacher, my father was a preacher, most of my uncles were preachers, and my mother preached to my father. I knew nothing else. I was the first child, the first grandchild, and eventually the first and only real disappointment to my family. In spite of the spoiler ending, I was to be the golden child in the time between birth and exile. My life was pruned and groomed for the ministry. My young life was Ozzy and Harriet meets Oral Roberts, with a heavy dose of Oral Roberts. My mother squeezed fresh orange juice every morning, made scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. We had dinner at the table and actually talked to each other. There were rules - firm ones with consequences for breaking them. We went to church three times each week as a starter - then we visited revivals and singings within a 100 mile radius if they could be found. I did my homework many nights on the way to and from revival meetings while the fading sounds of the not-to-distant sermon resonated in my head. By the age of five, I was considered a "prodigy" - this among individuals whose standards for prodigies included the ability to recite scripture and preach fifteen minute sermons to his stuffed animals - yes I 'm serious. I listened to gospel preachers on the radio, at that age, by choice. I still remember my favorite. His name was Bro. Danny Frazier, and I can still hear his voice, all these years later - an echo from the past that refuses to find its end. I was entranced by it, memorized its tone, mimicked his tenor to George, BooBoo, Snuffy, and a couple dozen other stuffed friends, as I set them up in rows on a semi-daily basis. I remember the glow on my parents and grandparents faces as they would stand, half-hidden, in adjoining rooms watching their "golden child" become a "man of God". My destiny was chiseled in stone, and I was a happy child. I learned to read early for the era - kindergarten - age 6. I was reading on a 6th grade level and could strangely read the bible, and read I did. I began to memorize all that I could fit into my undeveloped mind. I was praised and spotlighted for this ability. I was often brought before the church or ask to stand and then prompted with a previously-unknown section of scripture for recital. When I would accurately puke forth the verbiage, word for word, I was often rewarded by a standing ovation or intense session of applause. This activity began at about eight or nine years old. Not long after that, I was a shoe in to the pulpit. If I had been a star quarterback in Texas, I would have received no more praise or encouragement. Everyone loved me and made it known with a lavishness that most people never experience in their lives. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and people I didn't even half know, were certain that I was a "gift from God" who would go on to "win thousands of souls to Christ". I unfortunately did just that between the ages of ten and fifteen. I preached in churches covering ten states and was heralded as "the child preacher" with a gift from God. I have denied, on many occasions, my past - even here on this forum. I have been asked if I was a preacher. I have repeatedly said no. It is an embarrassment to me now, and my story is in no way uplifting to my ego. I look back on those days often and feel nothing but sadness. No good is associated with it in my mind. I feel that I was used and brainwashed to become nothing more than a spectacle. Consequently, the attention that I received from all this hyperbole would become my greatest nemesis in years to come. Everyone knew who I was; everyone in the state; everyone in the sourrounding states. When I "fell", it was hard, and horrible, and catastrophic to my family. The fall began at the age of fifteen. I had already skipped from the 9th grade to the 11th and had freedom to study at home as well on many days. I spent those days studying the bible. Much to my dismay, the bible was turning up many questions I didn't care to ask myself or my parents, but I had to ask someone - I did. At first those questions were whisked away as normal. "Pray and God will give you the answers." This was the first response. God didn't answer. I went back with more questions, some of the same. I was eventually handed up to the elders, who had nothing for me. I spent another half-year after the elders contemplating in silence, fasting (once for 25 days with only water), praying frantically, and searching my soul for anything that might expel the demons from my mind - the demons of question, of doubt. Still I had questions. Still I had doubt. I went back to my parents who then began to shop me around to famed preachers for a "fix" to the "broken" golden boy they once knew. Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggart, Don Johnson, W.V. Grant, to name a few, were among my counselors. They were useless as tits on a bull to me. I became disenchanted and clinically depressed by the age of sixteen. I graduated high school just before turning seventeen and had no idea what to do with my life. It had all been planned, so simple, so programmed before. I was almost seventeen and had never tasted a beer, smoked a cigarette, or said a curse word in my life. I was supposed to be special, but I was not in any way special, and I knew it. My parents did not. I had hidden the fact that my questions were still intact for the last year, so I went off to seminary school in Jackson, Mississippi to train for the ministry. I was on full scholarship and full tilt in my head. A year went by. I was now almost eighteen and the teachers I was schooling under were full of shit - completely. Most of them felt like used car salesmen to me by this time, and I was up to my ears with the bible, with my predestined future, and with God. I came home for the summer and impregnated a "wonderful Christian girl". One month later, I married her in the church of my youth with much flowery to-do about how God had joined us together in holy matrimony. I never returned to Jackson to study under the idiots on payroll there. My life became about my new wife, my new son, and figuring out what the fuck was going on with this ridiculous book - the bible. By the age of twenty, I announced my Atheism to the entire family over thanksgiving dinner - a poor choice of timing. Only the young can do things that stupid and outlive it. It was taken with much protest, tears, and anger. The golden boy had turned into a large sized smelly turd; a blight upon the entire family name; a disappointment to all. My mother was shattered. My father was irate. My younger brother was stupefied but silent. My little sister was too young to get it. Since then, I have been all over the place in my philosophy. Atheist, agnostic, pagan, don't-give-a-shit-monger, and finally what I am today - don't ask. My entire family - Mom and Dad excluded - have told me to jump in a lake; a lake of fire specifically. I have divorced my "wonderful Christian girl" thirteen years ago. Two of my sons by her refuse to call me their father. I am not worthy of that title seeing that I have rejected Christ. My brother, who I loved more than I can tell you, has not spoken to me in thirteen years. My baby sister, who was too young to understand, now understands that I have committed the "unpardonable sin" and cannot be saved - thus she has abandoned me. She "cannot bear the anguish of loving me". My uncles will not speak my name in private or public, and the rest of the family has followed suit, to my knowledge. I have a wonderful life. I live in Wyoming with my beautiful and supportive wife and our two daughters. We bask in the sunshine of each day as if it were our last. We are surrounded by animals, mountains, trails, and snow. I rejoice in nature and truth. Nothing can be more precious than this moment in time, and nothing can deprive me of the joy I have found in the great spirit of life. If God exists, he will find me here on the side of this mountain with my family. I will be out in the round pen working with colts. I am not hard to find. I will be teaching math to my daughters. I will be making love to my wife in hopes of yet another son. I am not hidden, nor is my mind closed to the mysteries that I may not yet know. I pray today for more wisdom and understanding than yesterday. Thank you for reading this capsulated version of my story. I hope it may help you in some way. Respectfully, Pappy 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest riverrunner Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Amazing story. Congratulations. sorry your family is so nuts. I think some of mine feel similar but at least they will all talk to me (and some behind my back too). I was thinking just today it's not exactly a choice that I can't believe in all the bible myths - like you I was just too inquisitive. they have no trouble doubting Islam but when it comes to Christianity they can't believe anyone could find it unconvincing. thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Pappy Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Amazing story. Congratulations. sorry your family is so nuts. I think some of mine feel similar but at least they will all talk to me (and some behind my back too). I was thinking just today it's not exactly a choice that I can't believe in all the bible myths - like you I was just too inquisitive. they have no trouble doubting Islam but when it comes to Christianity they can't believe anyone could find it unconvincing. thanks for sharing. Thank you for your kind comment River. I still can't believe I have actually written this and am strangely quite emotional about it all right now. I appreciate the time you took to read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I have a wonderful life. I live in Wyoming with my beautiful and supportive wife and our two daughters. We bask in the sunshine of each day as if it were our last. We are surrounded by animals, mountains, trails, and snow. I rejoice in nature and truth. Nothing can be more precious than this moment in time, and nothing can deprive me of the joy I have found in the great spirit of life. If God exists, he will find me here on the side of this mountain with my family. I will be out in the round pen working with colts. I am not hard to find. I will be teaching math to my daughters. I will be making love to my wife in hopes of yet another son. I am not hidden, nor is my mind closed to the mysteries that I may not yet know. I pray today for more wisdom and understanding than yesterday. Thank you for reading this capsulated version of my story. I hope it may help you in some way. Respectfully, Pappy Wow! Thank you so much for sharing. You are one smart fella. I am sad for your family that they are missing out on your input. I often remember the words from a movie Now and Then "you believe something with all your heart, then too much happens and you cannot believe any more". That was my experience with christianity and it sounds like yours. That and the fact you were just too damn honest for it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRobinson Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Im sorry your family abandoned you like that. That must have been/be painful. Im glad you have a supporting wife now and children to surround you. I was embaressed to tell anyone that I never felt any different after being a xian. I never seen any real miracles and yet I believed. I called it quits when I heard about other peoples Job Test going on for a few months or a year but mine lasted years and I wasnt gonna let someone kick a dog when its down. I dont think Ive ever felt the love of God as a xian, I didnt now what all the singing about being all filled up and made whole was about. I dont know what my beliefs are now as Im new here but, I know I believe in myself and cant count on anyone else. It feels good saying all the things I was scared to utter, wouldnt that be a form of lying to god anyway since he knows everything we think. If he can dish it, he can take it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Pappy Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Wow! Thank you so much for sharing. Galien, Your response is so very much appreciated. Thank you for reading and for the kind comments. It has been a long journey, but life has a way of making long journeys worthwhile doesn't it? Pappy I dont know what my beliefs are now as Im new here but, I know I believe in myself and cant count on anyone else. I know you will find your way, because you believe in yourself. You will find someone you can count on in life. It is a great reward. Thank you for your response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedAtheist Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thanks for sharing your ex-c testimony, I know it must've been hard. We share some similarities and regrets together. I too look back on my previous preaching and SS classes with much disdain. Thanks again, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pratt Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 dear pappy, haha, you are 2 years my junior. have been reading your posts/replies to various situations, and it feels like a distant acquaintance, smart fellow you are. but to read your testimony, it was heart felt, and so real, and feels like getting to know a friend. I am happy for you because I think your you are now contented. As for me as an asian, it is a little difficult to comprehend what it is like to be ex-communicated from family. wishing you and your loved ones happy days ahead. cheers Pratt 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casey Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 That's an amazing story Pappy. Sorry to hear about your family's reaction to your leaving christianity, but one really would have thought they'd have thought it better you left than you remained in the pulpit faking it, preaching stuff in which you no longer believed. Beyond that, well out here, one's religion, or lack thereof, is considered one's own business. Fortunately for myself I never had to face such rejection over so little. Personally I have come to see that it's the way one lives one's life and what one does with one's life that counts, rather than that in which one professes to believe. Ironically I do believe Jesus is alleged to have said the same thing to the Scribes and Pharisees ... Wyoming must be beautiful country, very scenic, more so than the flat country I live in, although that too is pretty. If you look for the beauty in it, it's there. Good luck with your colts. Better inter reacting with them and the countryside than studying bibles all day I must say. Casey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 You're a beautiful person, with a beautiful life. Survive and thrive. Phanta 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemybrain Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thank you, friend, for sharing yourself with us this way. It is hard to be that open, but it helps all of us, to know we're not the only ones hurt by religion. I hope it is also healing for you. I'll write more to you personally when I get a chance later, after a few hours sleep. Thank you again for sharing your (beautifully written) story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Pappy, I just flew through your post since I have to race off to work very shortly. I will give it the attention it deserves later today. What a sad, yet beautiful tale. I am so happy that you have found yourself after that beginning and I am thrilled that you are so happy. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted January 7, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted January 7, 2011 Your life gives others hope. Thank you for sharing your story. Glad you found the right wife for you and that you're happy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 7, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted January 7, 2011 Pappy, that is an amazing story. Extremely well written and shows the worst side of fanatic religion and the best of the human spirit. You should expand it into a book. Thanks for sharing your story; it is both heartbreaking and inspirational. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isawthelight Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 "three years looking up the dresses of the holy ghost filled dancers in high heels" No wonder you couldn't concentrate on being a preacher. Thanks for the heartfelt story. I suspect that it wasn't easy for you to write for some reason. I hope that sharing your story with people who care for you was helpful to you in some small way. It has helped me to see that my deconversion was relatively easy, since I did not have the intense early indoctrination. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted January 7, 2011 Moderator Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thanks for sharing your ex-c testimony. This has really helped me this morning. I am so sorry that you had so much rejection' by your're family. Again, I say - Is this the way to win us back. When one slips away - shouldn't the believer show us love and compassion by the way they live? (you will know them by their fruit?) Thank you for taking the time to write your story for me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrotherJosh Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thanks Pappy, wonderfully written! Your story is truly heart breaking, it's a shame your family has decided to treat you that way. I am glad you have found your own way. Obviously, you were too honest and curious for the likes of an intellectually bankrupt belief system. Thank you for sharing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 When one slips away - shouldn't the believer show us love and compassion by the way they live? (you will know them by their fruit?) Very good point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Well, Mr. Pappy, your story definitely makes it easier to simply distance myself from my extended family rather than "come out of the closet". Your story was very interesting and very well written. I'd like to second Florduh's suggestion about writing it in a book. Thanks for sharing, and we're glad you're here at Ex-C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 It's too bad your formative years weren't spent going to museums and science lectures within a hundred miles rather than revivals and church services. Maybe you would've emulated Isaac Asimov and Carl Sagan rather than Mississippi revivalist preachers! But, we don't get to pick the location, era and indoctrination style of our formative years. I am sorry for all the heartbreak you have experienced in your life over you own search for intellectual honesty and personal integrity. That's what you were after as a seeker. Unfortunately you were primed and conditioned to serve your family's need to feel special in god's eyes. They probably didn't know that their responsibility was to let you become a person true to yourself rather than a person that fulfills their preconception of a person called by god. I am also glad you eventually found your bliss, or at least some percentage of it that seems to create a happy space for you in your life. I find it tragically ironic or even funny that Jimmy Swaggert and Oral Roberts were the great minds that were consulted to fix you. It's kind of laughable that these money grubbing charlatans and con-men which represent the lowest of the spectrum of reason, integrity and truth are so well respected. Anyway,thank you for sharing your testimony. I have enjoyed your posts over the past months and I am glad you have shared with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 If God exists, he will find me here on the side of this mountain with my family. I will be out in the round pen working with colts. I am not hard to find. I will be teaching math to my daughters. I will be making love to my wife in hopes of yet another son. I am not hidden, nor is my mind closed to the mysteries that I may not yet know. I pray today for more wisdom and understanding than yesterday. Thank you for reading this capsulated version of my story. I hope it may help you in some way. Respectfully, Pappy Beautiful. You found Heaven after all. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Mister Pappy, you were a "golden child." It's just that your family doesn't understand why you were (are) one. It sounds like your wife does. And so do we. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stryper Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I once remeber being at lecture for another cult called Amway. The speaker was a Diamond direct which means he was in the outer inner circle telling the rest of us how do it. Part of his story involved him "finding God" and then talking about it a hindu friend he was trying to get into Amway. The subject of religion came up. The hindu said why would he want to join chrisitianity, its the only religion in world where they kill off their wounded. He went on to make a point about helping people struggling with the buisness. That point came to mind again reading your testimony. So many times once the veil is pierced and questions are asked, those with questions are thrown out into the cold. Thanks for your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Pappy Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thanks for sharing your ex-c testimony, I know it must've been hard. I has been, but I am glad to have it out there. - feels good now. have been reading your posts/replies to various situations, and it feels like a distant acquaintance I know that feeling. I have felt that many times here at ExC - not so much before. The common pain that we share here seems to create a bond, ever how distant we may be on the globe. It is comforting and has allowed me to tell my story. Good luck with your colts. Better inter reacting with them and the countryside than studying bibles all day I must say. You nailed it Casey! You're a beautiful person, with a beautiful life. Phanta ... your comment means a lot me - how kind. Thank you. ... it helps all of us, to know we're not the only ones hurt by religion ... It certainly has helped me. I can only hope to return that same good to my friends here. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. You are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Your life gives others hope. Then it has been worth it on yet another level. Thank you for your comments. ... shows the worst side of fanatic religion ... Unfortunately, you are right about this. It is the one thing I would undo if I had a magic wand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Pappy Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 I hope that sharing your story with people who care for you was helpful to you in some small way. It has been helpful in a large way. I am reaping the benefits of tell my story already. The comments you are all leaving are so very touching, and getting it off my chest is the equivalent of removing a Volks Wagon from my lap. Thank you for your kindness. Thanks for sharing your ex-c testimony. This has really helped me this morning. Thank you for taking the time to write your story for me. Margee ... I am so glad that something I have written has been helpful to you. What you have written has certainly been helpful to me. Thank you for your kind nature and for your thoughtful comments. I truly appreciate them. I am glad you have found your own way. I feel like one of the lucky ones who managed to make it out intact. I do know that many aren't so lucky and leave their mind behind or worse. Well, Mr. Pappy, your story definitely makes it easier to simply distance myself from my extended family rather than "come out of the closet". Sometimes it is nice and save in the closet - no? I blame no one for staying in there just as long as they feel like it. I find it tragically ironic or even funny that Jimmy Swaggert and Oral Roberts were the great minds that were consulted to fix you. It's kind of laughable that these money grubbing charlatans and con-men which represent the lowest of the spectrum of reason, integrity and truth are so well respected. You have to remember that in those days, these preachers didn't have the bad rap that they have today. The TV evangelist in general had yet to be labeled a charlatan. My family was heavily connected with these people, so they used those resources. However, you are right, they were absolutely worthless - no, less than worthless! Beautiful. You found Heaven after all. What an awesome thing to say! Thank you FG ... thank you, and take my kisses all over your face! Mister Pappy, you were a "golden child." It's just that your family doesn't understand why you were (are) one. It sounds like your wife does. And so do we. Your comment makes me wish I had told this long ago. Thank you so much for taking the time to make my day. The hindu said why would he want to join chrisitianity, its the only religion in world where they kill off their wounded. That is more insight than I would have expected ... wow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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