GraphicsGuy Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Hi everyone, I don't know what to expect out of joining this forum. I guess just finding some like-minded individuals is a great thing. I will try to keep this short and concise, but I do not doubt the difficulty of that task. First off, I will admit that I am angry. I really, really just want to grab some people, give them a good shaking, slap them around a bit and really, truly make them listen to what I'm trying to tell them. It seems that what I have experienced flies in the face of Christian beliefs and they expect me to reconcile my experiences with their faith. That is simply because if they try to reconcile their faith with my experience it leaves them with nothing...just like it did for me. Are you wondering what happened? Well, as I stated, I will try to keep this concise. I was born into a Christian home. Pentecostal. Blood-bought, speaking tongues, eternal life or eternal damnation, etc. My father was a pastor. My mother is an amazing person who thinks for herself and really kept our little family from becoming completely mired in religion. At this point in time, my father is no longer in charge of a church, but is the chaplin of a prison. All he is concerned about is helping people...that makes him a pretty decent human being regardless of what he believes in my opinion. My mother and I have some very interesting conversations nowadays. I "accepted Jesus" when I was three...why anyone thinks a three year-old understands the concept is beyond me. Grew up in church. Was a holier-than-thou little snot...especially in the pre-teen years. Was a gawky, nerdy teenager. Became very depressed in high-school and had a lot of social issues. Church youth group was my outlet to shine in. I was king-of-the-hill there. Numero-uno, my pick of girls to go out with, and was a "spiritual mentor" to younger kids. Kids, peers, adults all loved me. I could have been Christianity's poster child. As I got older, I still continued to serve in the church. I practically lived there. I was immature though and became more and more reclusive in some ways. Got married at 24 to a woman with two kids. That's what good Christian boys do, right? My wife discovered my dirty-little-secret a few months into marriage. I was addicted to pornography. I started trying to get help for it. I tried everything - "deliverance", prayer, Bible study, men's groups, accountability partners, retreats, seminars, worship, etc etc. My wife was the first to notice that I was locked into a cycle of behavior: 1. I would "coast" through life slowly sinking into clinical depression. 2. To alleviate depression, I would seek out pornography in a variety of forms, plus chat with women online (this actually made my depression and self-hate worse). 3. Eventually I would get caught (usually by a stupid mistake in covering my tracks). 4. This led to "repentance" time...which was genuine in my mind. 5. Now I would go on a "religious high" and put all my energy into getting right with God and getting help for my problems. 6. Eventually, I would start coast again as depression started taking over once more...cycle begins again. This went on for nearly nine years. The last time it happened, my wife and I were pretty much certain to split up for good. However, I promised to go to a doctor because I was certain there was something wrong with me. Deep down, I knew that I could not stop my behavior. I was right. After a blood test, my doctor informed me that my testosterone was low. After some research, my wife and I found out that low testosterone is a really bad thing for men to have. We read through a list of possible symptoms and my wife said, "That sounds exactly like you've been for all these years." I had displayed them all in some fashion or other. How did this affect my faith? For one, for "God to do this for a reason" seems like a cruel dismissal of the suffering I went through and caused in others. Whenever I would go on my "religious highs" and feel good, it wasn't real. It was just my body and/or brain getting a charge from the emotions I experienced. I prayed daily for healing and deliverance from my desire for pornography. It never happened. During the second week of hormone treatment, the desire just...stopped. My body was driving me to seek out and look at the stuff (I used to go into raging fits if I didn't get a "fix"). Now I can't even force myself to look at it. I was always skeptical of the Bible and much of what I believed, but my emotional "experiences" seemed to confirm faith. With the experiences debunked as a hormone deficiency there's nothing to debunk the skeptical arguments. For some reason I could never speak in tongues (maybe because I wouldn't say anything unless I knew what it meant). About 13 years ago while praying for the "gift" I started to believe that I had received a "special gift". I believed that I could speak to God directly thought-to-thought. I practically drove myself insane with this "ability" over the years. It was in my head too...just more delusion brought on by my condition. The fact is, I have nothing left to believe in because what I did believe wasn't real. I pretty much destroyed my life for a fallacy. Gees, so much for "short". Sorry about that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Former Follier Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Welcome. As I've found, you will more often be chastised for apologizing for writing a lengthy post than for actually writing it. The majority of us have been through similar situations where something or another forced us to put our faith under scrutiny and, in the process, it crumbled around us. It definitely is a difficult, painful process but, at the same time, is very cathartic. The dawning realization comes that you are finally at the point in your life where you can take the reigns and begin to truly live. Not only do you have a lack of faith now but a huge void that can now be filled by a new world-view, one that no one can approve nor disapprove of. You've finally found out that looking forward to a hope in something better causes you to devalue what you've got now, the only thing we will ever get: Life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted July 30, 2007 Author Share Posted July 30, 2007 As I've found, you will more often be chastised for apologizing for writing a lengthy post than for actually writing it. Point taken...I retract my apology... The dawning realization comes that you are finally at the point in your life where you can take the reigns and begin to truly live. Not only do you have a lack of faith now but a huge void that can now be filled by a new world-view, one that no one can approve nor disapprove of. You've finally found out that looking forward to a hope in something better causes you to devalue what you've got now, the only thing we will ever get: Life. This is so, so true and exactly how I've been feeling lately. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Everglaze Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Welcome graphicsguy. Your list of cyclic behaviour hits very close to home. For me it was... 1. Depression 2. Repression 3. Exploding Rage 4. Prayer/Confession 5. Repentance 6. Repeat It was driving me insane to the point where my mood changed almost immediately from one second to the next. Now I'm coping with it better, but I do have depression that makes me want to do reckless things, because apparently people don't take me seriously. Whenever I would go on my "religious highs" and feel good, it wasn't real. It was just my body and/or brain getting a charge from the emotions I experienced. Exactly. No matter what religion gave me, it wasn't about being true to myself. It was as if I was subjected to believing in something where my stance as a human being meant nothing. Somehow, doing "god's will" was supposed to be my joy, like that makes any sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted July 30, 2007 Author Share Posted July 30, 2007 Hi Everglaze, Wow...it's actually amazing to find some empathy based on similar experience... I know what you mean about the mood changes as well. Sometimes my cycle would be months to a year long and other times I would go through the whole thing in a day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michie_s Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hi Graphicsguy, Welcome! I can relate to some of your testimony having lived through the highs and lows of xianity. It was a never ending cycle, sometimes my pastor would pull me aside when it seems that I was on the downward spiral for a revelatory "word from god". When I was on a high I was "being used mightily" by god and everything in the church was open for me to do. When I think back on some of the things I did when I was completely sold out, I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I hope that you find the support of people who have been there & done that and understand the madness of xianity and the struggles once leave and truly learn to live free! Michie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I can only add my word of agreement. All of it resonates with me--esp. the not-real thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lerato Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Welcome GraphicsGuy, As a fellow exChristian and someone who has been successfully treated for depression and anxiety disorder I can definitely relate to certain parts of your story. I was pretty much a loner as a kid, and I can now see why as I must have been pretty hard to deal with what with my refusal to deviate from established routines, my lack of self-confidence and reluctance to socialize and my persistant gloom and sadness. Reading the Bible and being religiously devoted helped me ease my torment as who needs self-awareness and understanding from others when you've got the big guy in the sky on your side and you've been saved. As an adult I now have received both medication and counselling to deal with my issues and lo and behold a whole new world opened up to me where I could be happy with who I am. Although my actual deconversion didn't happen for several years more, I now have the perspective to see that I was using God as a crutch which delayed getting help for my actual problems. I am so glad to hear that you have had a somewhat similar experience after your hormone treatment began. You are most welcome on the forum and I hope it is useful to you in charting your way forward as an exChristian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Thanks for all the support and understanding, everyone! I tried sharing what I was going through with a number of Christians (I'm sure you've all experienced the same responses) and they just want to try to "fix you". Some of them don't think I've actually been "healed"...how can I be, I didn't use Jesus! Some of them don't think I was ever a "real" believer...otherwise I wouldn't have "fallen away", right? Some of them realize they have no explanation and no words to offer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Everglaze Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Thanks for all the support and understanding, everyone! I tried sharing what I was going through with a number of Christians (I'm sure you've all experienced the same responses) and they just want to try to "fix you". Some of them don't think I've actually been "healed"...how can I be, I didn't use Jesus! Some of them don't think I was ever a "real" believer...otherwise I wouldn't have "fallen away", right? Some of them realize they have no explanation and no words to offer. Yes, that is the common conduct of Christians. We believed at one point. We were so sucked into thinking that the Christian way was so righteous and that it suited our lifestyle perfectly, because it was such a comfort zone for our emotional struggles. In the end, to the Christians, they think it's supposed to be something permanent. Funny how the bible even mentions believers falling away from the faith, yet nothing about them never having been Christians. Christians love explaining things in their own interpretative ways, more like excuses and nothing but excuses. They try to 'fix' us, but that's where they fail to understand what being independent humans are all about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 They try to 'fix' us, but that's where they fail to understand what being independent humans are all about. Hi Everglaze...what you've said there is key I think. It seems that many Christians think independence and diversity is a BAD thing when it truly is what makes us human. When we're forced to all fit into this little ideological box we find out that it simply doesn't work. We were never meant to be mindless clones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Welcome, and be assured that your anger is perfectly normal, and completely fine to express here. It helped me quite a bit when I was at that stage. My cycle of behaviour was quite sickening, as I was a pentecostal myself: Elation Depression Desperation for "more of god" Constant prayer and grovelling "The Epiphany" of getting back to god and Thus begins more Elation My deconversion was quite exciting: Bewilderment Denial Anger Blinding rage Resentment More anger The desire for revenge and retribution Realization that I wont go to hell And the ability to now laugh at the sheep; although I do still carry a healthy anger towards the real religious assholes. Please, feel welcome to be yourself - I know I speak for myself when I say we're glad you made it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 Thanks Rhia, Your cycle sounds all too painfully familiar. I took out a lot of my anger on people at bible-discussion.com (they're pretty decent over there...and they didn't ban me even though I was a complete asshole)...and then I got angry again when I went to rapture-ready (banned) and afterhim (snubbed) and was questioned as to if my experiences were real. So, I tried debating-christianity to take out more anger (got bored). I think I'm holding in my anger at this point, but I know I could unleash a raging hell-storm if some Christian tries to "fix" me or bring me back into the fold. I'm worried I may take my anger out on my wife some day so I figured online people were better targets for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanInPA Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 I figured online people were better targets for now. Get ready to blast away... All you need to do is GET RIGHT WITH JEEEEEEZUSSS!!!!!! and everything will be fine. OK, have at it! Seriously, welcome to Ex-C, these are a great bunch of people. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 All you need to do is GET RIGHT WITH JEEEEEEZUSSS!!!!!! and everything will be fine. You wouldn't believe...okay, you probably would believe it...how many times I have heard remarks to this effect in the last few months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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