Hello All

[Japedo]

I was brought up and raised in a Pentecostal Church & School. First let me say I'm new here, So hello to everyone, I also want to add that I'm very glad I came upon this site.

 

I find myself today a bitterly angry person When it comes to the Christians. I want not only justice but I want them exposed for what they are. Today I'm living with panic disorder, Which I credit them for not only creating but they kept feeding me so much fear for most of my life, I'm surprised I'm not worse. I'm dealing with it, and things are better now that I have delt with the problem. It's hard to unlearn Fear. On a positive note, I believe perhaps I wouldn't have the drive for truth, Justice, and common sense, if not for what I went thru. In saying that Mob mentality is another thing I've learned to spot, and today in this country it's rampant. I detest it.

 

My story, I'll try to make it brief, as I'm sure all here don't want to read a novel.

My father was Military, and wasn't around much. My mother 'Found God', and well so did my sister and I when I was about the age of 5.

 

Church was all day every Sunday, Night services as well.

 

Mondays Bible Study

 

Wed. Church

 

Fridays daisy's, Primes, and missionetts. (Was the girls group)

 

School everyday of course.

 

 

My world came crashing to an end when I was 10. My father made the choice that he could no longer compete with God, or Gods messengers, (The Church) My dad was raised catholic but was non-practicing. My mother ( I didn't know then, but found out years later) was giving money left and right if not to the Church, then to the PTL Club, 700 club, 200 $ Bibles et al. Looking back now, I'm surprised my dad put up with it as long as he did.

 

Of course my father was unsaved, and of course Satan was using him, My mother spent most of her life trying to please God (Church), Family of course came second. I'm sure many here can relate to what I say. one Sunday service, I watched some movie about the end times, the Christians were standing in line to get their heads cut off (Don't have a clue the name of the movie?) because they refused to get the mark of the best. I remember sitting there thinking, I'd take the number no way I'd willingly get my head cut off. I felt guilt because I knew I didn't "Love God " that much.

 

I remember one day, I think I was about 12, the first time I was actually horrified. They were talking about the end times. I started to cry, I didn't want to hear about the end of the world. The Sunday school teacher took me out to the hall and asked what the matter was. I said I didn't want to hear about the end times, My dad wasn't saved I didn't want him to be left behind. She looked at me square in the face and smiled, said aww, Tammy don't worry when you get to heaven God will wave his hand in front of your face, you wont even remember your dad.

 

Getting older things got worse. School dress code was strictly enforced that even visiting parents had to be in dress code. We had a tally system (Or demerits they are more commonly known) accumulate 6 in one week and you're paddled and suspended. We sat in carrels, and raised flags if we needed assistance. We worked in books called Life-pacs It was pretty much self teaching, other then the group bible studies during school.

 

What I didn't know then was I had a mild form of dyslexia, especially with numbers. I went up to correct my work (That's what we did) and was confronted with a monitor (Which was a parent helping out) who covered up the wording of the number and asked me to say it out loud. Everyone turned around in their carrels to look at me. I started to read the number aloud, and kept screwing it up. I only got my self more worked up and ended up in tears from being embarrassed. I was sent to the office and received the Red tally which was worth 6 points. I was accused of cheating, and lying. I did neither. I took my paddle and was sent home horrified. I was about 13.

 

When I got home I wigged out. Told my mother I hated that place, I wasn't going back. Of course they could never be wrong and I must have done what they said, and I'm still lying about it. I ended up kicking a hole in the wall. My mother called my father he came up to get me. From that point on I lived with my dad the most part.

 

My first day of Public Schools was horrifying, a massive culture shock, I had no association of the outside world prior to this first day of School. All I had to rely on was stories I was told about the Evil world. Gym class we were doing aerobics, I had no idea who Michael Jackson was, (Thriller was being played) I can not convey to you the feelings of being laughed at, made fun of, and the extreme humiliation I experienced. Not to mention the fear of being struck dead for "Dancing to Devil music".

 

The extreme mind control this religion does is the purest form of evil. Anyhow, that Summer I made it my life mission to become "Cultured". I learned all the popular music, trends, started wearing makeup. over the summer became the opposite. I punked my hair up, wore dark makeup. became a "Shocker" LOL

 

Anyways, My mother had visiting rights, and well as long as I was in her house I had to go to church. I went, I compromised. I wore the stupid dress, but kept my hair and makeup. Well, Lemme tell you. All of their book by the cover sermons were Bullshit as I soon found out. They all made judgments on me, They work by mob mentality these people and reality, and truth is irrelevant to them.

 

After that Sundays service there was prayer at the alter, (Happened after every service) I was tapped on the shoulder by the assistant pastors wife, who after all Knew me for most of my life. I didn't think twice about going up there. I still considered myself a born again Christian. That church was after all what I knew best. When I went up front. The pastor came over to me, Laid his hands on me. Before I knew it the entire church surrounded me. Casting out demons of prostitution, Drugs, and every other horrific thing you can think of. I knew full well there was NO demons in me. I started crying out of shock and dismay that they actually think Satan lives inside me. Of course being 14 years old I started crying, They started praising God, said the demons were leaving me. I knew then, THEY WERE FULL OF shIT. My mother came running after me, out in the parking lot I was hysterically crying, How could you let them say such things? I demanded her! Of course I was blamed for looking the way I did. Surprising what a little hair gel and makeup can do to people.

 

Things were never the same for me after that. I eventually got married to a Baptist, but both of us avoided church. I was 18 when I got married. When I had kids I tried and tried to return to a different church.

 

It took me many years to find out that the religion is BS in the highest form. I looked into and studied Judaism, It is the most sane Religion where logic and common sense are welcomed. Questions are also welcomed. anyways, years have gone by and Now I doubt even if God exists at all. I mean He might but well, unless there's proof I'm going to doubt. So I figure its better to be a skeptic and keep looking for answers, then to be a fool and believe I already have them all.

 

anyways, That's my brief but Long story in a nut shell. I'm sure I could go on and on with horror stories from my childhood. That church still has its hooks in my mother. I'm blatant about my contempt for them. I love my mom, but hate that she's being fooled. What I hate most, is the people doing the fooling. I can't stand um.

[spidermonkey]

Welcome, Japedo!

 

Today I'm living with panic disorder, Which I credit them for not only creating but they kept feeding me so much fear for most of my life, I'm surprised I'm not worse. I'm dealing with it, and things are better now that I have delt with the problem. It's hard to unlearn Fear.

 

Boy, do I know that feeling. I too tangled with the Penteholocaust cult in my teens. All that end-time shit really did a number on me. I was always a shy kid, but the cliques and other BS at that cult created a full-blown hangup.

 

I remember not fitting into the cult mold. I never was accused of having demons of prostitution, but every time bad things happened in church, my father blamed me and said it was my fault. Nothing I ever did was good enough....even though I tried to follow the bible, I was *still* criticized. That was one of the reasons I began questioning. Not the only reason, but a big one.

 

The extreme mind control this religion does is the purest form of evil.

 

I wholeheartedly agree.

[pitchu]

Glad you're here, Japedo.

 

It seems no matter how many horrors get unearthed in anti-testimonies here, I'm always shocked anew at the specific crimes visited on the innocent by Hyperchristians. You must be very strong to have survived that onslaught.

[Onyx]

Fuck! Your story is so good..

WElcome! I hope you get rid of these fucken spiritual cons from your life! Sorry for the swearwords but I hate horrible people. What they did... tugs at my beard!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Japedo,

 

Feel welcome here at ExC and Dave's House.

 

This place is a common ground for those of we who have had similar experiences and have excaped, or like you "worked under the wire" of the Penteholecostal prison..

 

Set down, read, enjoy. Here at ExC is one of the best places you can use with your on.line on.ass time.

 

That you are out and still somewhat sane is a good thing... Continue to fight to clear your mind and keep the Freedom you've earned..

 

n

[Japedo]

Thank you all for the wonderful welcome. I hope not only to learn from everyone, Hope my hellish experience can perhaps help someone else break away from the mind-control called religion.

[Thurisaz]

Hi Japedo, greetings from Germany

 

Sadly, there comes a time - after you read many many extimonies - when every such posting starts to sound depressingly similar to every other. It's always the same mad story, only the details vary.

 

I wouldn't say, though, that the problem is christianity itself. Yes, the whole doctrine sucks royally, but it is possible for christians to not lose touch with reality - as the vast majority of christians here in Germany prove every day. The real problem is literalism, dogma, and certitude of rightness. Especially the certitude of rightness. If the fundies weren't absolutely sure that they are right, would they dare to fuck up the lives of other people like that?

And of course, the less educated people are, the easier it is to get them with dogma. From what I see the fundies post, and how, I conclude that most of them are about as well-educated as the average chimp. And those who finally manage to break free, or so it seems to me, are the ones who just can't silence their brains indefinitely.

[michelle]

I think it's really messed up what the sunday school teacher told you about heaven and your dad. How dare she?

By the way, I love the title of your story.

[Guest JP1283]

Hey Japedo,

 

Welcome to the forum! Your story was a great read; you've been through a lot. I too have similar fears about the End Times, but the people on this forum have been very patient with me and are all always willing to help when I need it. Everyone here has helped me so much; I'm sure you will enjoy it here as much as I do. BTW, that Sunday-school teacher should have been smacked for saying that about your dad...I couldn't imagine living in eternity without my parents, and if going to hell meant that I would be with them (cause they are sooo going to hell!) then I would gladly choose it.

 

JP

[Japedo]

I think it's really messed up what the sunday school teacher told you about heaven and your dad. How dare she?

By the way, I love the title of your story.

 

Thanks for the nice welcome. It is Very messed up, with that I agree. She dared because she believes it true, She wanted me to conform to the "thought of the lawd, amen hallelujah," The leaders in this Cult are trained to control thru fear. The leaders of the cult believe themselves chosen and take great pride in that mindset. They are in essence extremely selfish people who only care about where their ass ends up, and how many jewels in their crown for rewards of winning over souls.

 

Because I couldn't get into the Glee and singing hosannas about the "end of the world" and the End of mankind, Or the thought of my dad burning, not for anything he did, but for what he believed, Meant God was going to erase my mind of "my" issues I guess. After all God Loved me and all that BS.

 

The cult on one hand wants to control you based on "your needs". They make it all about your soul and eternity. Scaring you Godly I guess. They give you a complex for being a live, and want you to repent for living. They use Guilt, and fear and rename thoes two things as "love".

 

The Cult on the other hand, talks about rewards about winning souls to jeezus, The more the souls, the better the rewards. It's based on a Need to be accepted by I'll get more then you'll get. mentality. Jeezus loves me more then you. My house will be closer to his then yours because I won more souls. It drives the masses for what ever reason. Frankly I laugh now at the thought I ever believed such BS.

[nightflight]

They give you a complex for being a live, and want you to repent for living. They use Guilt, and fear and rename thoes two things as "love".

 

Yes, they make you hate life, your own life.

[Japedo]

Hey Japedo,

 

Welcome to the forum!  Your story was a great read; you've been through a lot.  I too have similar fears about the End Times™, but the people on this forum have been very patient with me and are all always willing to help when I need it.  Everyone here has helped me so much; I'm sure you will enjoy it here as much as I do.  BTW, that Sunday-school teacher should have been smacked for saying that about your dad...I couldn't imagine living in eternity without my parents, and if going to hell meant that I would be with them (cause they are sooo going to hell!) then I would gladly choose it.

 

JP

 

Thanks for the welcome!

 

Once you realize that the fear you have is a conditioning of your mind and not the truth, You will be able to break free of it. As I said, I have panic disorder. Was a time where I was so afraid to Die, or have someone close to me Die, it consumed me. I honestly thought there were times I was convinced my heart was going to stop. Was convinced I was going to have a blood clot or something, God one way or another was going to Kill me (Or take my life) for "Doubting" and questioning. My hardest problem right now is Unlearning to fear everything.

 

Took me a long while to get where I am today. I started with My "cult" and worked backwards thru Christianity. I wanted answers that no one could answer. There was a light bulb that went on in my searching of pagan religions, The foundations of all Christianity was Catholicism At the time that religion was born, One must view the Greek and Latin Gods before Christianity was declared THE ONLY WAY. The comparisons are eerily Exactly the same. Christmas, (winter solstice) Easter (Istar) The Sungod (Son God) Nothing was different. Nothing what so ever. Even the Half man/god Stories where the same. The gods slept with a Human women and planted his seed. the godman came to save mankind.

 

It was studying all of this, that opened my eyes. I realistically had to ask myself, Would I have followed these "Pagan" religions based on Myths? Did they cause me Fear because I lacked belief in them? Answer of course was No. If these gods existed long before Jeezus, then Jeezus was a reinvention of a past pagan religion. Along with the Death, Hell (Hades, Underworld) and after life.

 

The only difference between Christianity and the Pagan beliefs were where they started. Christianity took Jewish stories, and the Jewish traditions of Moses and attached their already existing gods to it, as to end an uprising of Jewish belief. Also in painting the Jews as the "culprits" they not only adopt the stories, they accused the Jews of Killing God. Which think about it.. Can God die if death can't touch him?

 

There was a time I was talking to a rabbi and seriously considering converting. I have sense then, Changed again. Thru all my spiritual questioning, I have arrived at the thought that If God exists, He gave me this brief chance in life to Live it to the fullest. I doubt God exists. I'm not convinced as of right now that he does or doesn't either way, I don't think anyone has the real answers or proof to that.

 

Religions were created to Control the masses, Which is why Religions and Governments are no different. Religions actually have more power over people then Governments do. The thought of being tortured for eternity, and the Fear of the unknown is a common way to manipulate people. I'm still fascinated how religions evolved. In the same note, I detest how Evil they are. I believe them the number one reason for war, and inhumane treatment of people.

 

Sorry, I'll stop babbleling now... I have a tendency to Not shuddup .. LOL

[Vigile]

Hi Japedo,

 

I am not sure why I stumbled on your story. I have been tooling around with this site for the past two days now and decided to read your testimony because I recalled that you had responded to one of my posts.

 

I have to tell you, your story brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy that you escaped from that nonsense. I wish I could say I empathise, but I really can't. Your childhood and mine were polar opposites, though I to was raised in a Christian home. I guess I was just fortunate. I really respect that you were a free thinker even in your teen years. I pretty much had swallowed the whole thing hook, line, and sinker at that point in my life.

 

Again, I'm really glad you are now free and I just wanted to let you know how touched I was by your story.

 

Vigile

[Purple Rhino]

Japedo,

 

I can relate to much of your story personally. And the unlearning is, for me, some of the toughest parts of regaining sanity.

 

When you talk about the whole church laying hands and casting out demons, it brings back so many thoughts and memories of the same happening to me. The confusion, andger and fear all colliding in my mind searching for a single sane thought to grasp onto. I ended up going along with it for a while and eventually I started using it against them, by creating 'demons' and exhibiting the behaviors to see the fear creep into their eyes as they didn't know exactly what to do.

 

It's very nice getting to know you here and I look forward to laughing and sharing with you on the boards and in chats.

 

PR

[Japedo]

japedo,

 

well, thanks for making me cry today.  wow, what an eximony.  Reading this though helped me see what  I could have done to my family. 

 

I'm glad you're here.  If you don't mind, I'm going to use your quote.  If it's not cool just let me know.

 

 

I'm sorry thankful, I didn't mean to make you cry. I don't mind at all you using any part of my Anti-T. It's an Honor that you would want to.

 

This site is truly a blessing, I'm so glad I stumbled on it by happenstance.

 

I have learned so much from everyone here, and that being said, I can relate to many here who have been damaged by the mind-control and cult teachings. I think for all of us here it's a Huge step to question the reality of God, Fear, hell et al. Forget seeking the truth so much that you give up all you know, we all in a sense gave up our conditioned reality, and I often put it on the scale of the Sarah and Lot story. The fear is so great, but we all turn around to see there really is a man behind the curtain. we weren't punished or turned to salt. It takes a lot of courage to look fear in the face.

 

 

Life events shape us, and we can only benefit by learning from events.

[Japedo]

Japedo,

 

I ended up going along with it for a while and eventually I started using it against them, by creating 'demons' and exhibiting the behaviors to see the fear creep into their eyes as they didn't know exactly what to do.

 

It's very nice getting to know you here and I look forward to laughing and sharing with you on the boards and in chats.

 

PR

 

You are ONE Brave Soul PR!! I didn't have the mindset to use it against them, Had I only known then what I know now. I assure you I would have taken the pulpit and given then all an Education.

 

Personally I think people need to be saved from Christianity, it's one of the worst forms of Evil in existence, it holds people back and keeps them dwelling on guilt and fear. Which they re-name 'Love and Peace'.

[Guest Sinlingual]

Being your half-brother and us being seperated by 19 years this has answered lots of my questions. I had always wondered why dad had divorced Michelle. Dad hates talking about the past unless its him triumphing in the Military. It also explains why dad never goes to church. He must of known that it was BS. I remember you telling me about the story that teacher told you about dad. I can't see dad dying never mind being thrown down to satan. Which in my mind never existed. I'll bawl my eyes out the day Dad dies. It makes me sad thinking about it even now.

 

Dad raised me to be a skeptic at least. Even though mum still brings me to church every sunday. I have always told the teachers as long as I can remember that I don't believe in god. I remember telling one of my teachers that holding our hands to pray sounds much more like witchery than praising "God". Dad has always been our hero, he can fix anything it seems, and he knows the solution to basically any problem. He always seemed to be gone, at work, or asleep. But the times I'm with him I remember.

 

I don't know how anyone can believe there's a heaven and a hell. WHERE'S THE EVIDENCE. I know it's not a good thing to think about but when you die that's it. You're mind is gone forever. Religion has no use anymore, we have logical explanations for things now.

[Piprus]

Welcome, Japedo, to this friendly community.

 

What abuse these cultish churches wreak on children! It's plain to see, you were indeed tha victim of abuse in that horrific church. So I would ask...panic disorder, or post traumatic stress disorder? Either way, it sounds like you're healthier now, and getting better all the time. Thanks for sharing.

 

"Every sensible man, every honest man, must hold the Christian sect in horror." (Voltaire)

[shotsy]

Wow, quite a story. Have you ever read Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson? It's semi-autobiographical and her story is very similar to yours. She grew up in a pentecostal home in England and it describes her journey out of the church, which included several attempted exorcisms because she indulged "unnatural passions" as she discovered she was a lesbian. Okay so it might not be identical to your story but it sounds pretty similar I'd recommend the book!

[Japedo]

Thank you guys for the wonderful words.

 

Sinlingual, What can I say. I'm not sure what I believe about any sorta after life, for all I know we could be recycled. anyways I tend not to dwell on it.

 

Thanks for the welcome Piprus, however I should be the one welcoming you, I wrote this way back when I joined Ex-C. My brother wanted to read it so I gave him the link.

 

shotsy, I haven't heard of the book and thanks for the recommend I'll do a search on Amazon.

[shotsy]

shotsy, I haven't heard of the book and thanks for the recommend I'll do a search on Amazon.

I was actually reading it as I decided to leave Christianity, so it really had a lot of meaning for me. A lot of the metaphors involved really speak to the doubting Christian... a lot of people in my Literature class didn't really care much for the book, but it was profound for me.