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Goodbye Jesus

Silliest Bible Stories


StarGazer

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The Bible has some bizarre stories in it. There's no skirting around it. It's quite frightening how some of them are believed to be real events by fully grown, functioning (Well, that's debatable) adults. 

 

But the question I have is, which one broke the camel's back? Which one made you take a look at your faith and seriously question it?

 

For me, it was probably the Sodom story. That was one that was seldom told to me (Likely because they knew it'd scare us Catholic kids out of the religion faster than Gary Glitter in a Pope's Hat). But when I discovered it, I was baffled. 

 

Firstly, why is Lot considered a man of worth? This is a guy who offers his daughters up for rape in favour of Angels, then later has sex with his own kin. That's disturbed on so many levels. And the first part has introduced a heart-breaking 'tradition' where some believers love their God more than their children.

 

Secondly, equating homosexuality with rape is bizarre. Clearly that mob of men weren't looking for a committed relationship, so why use it as justification for homophobia? 

 

Thirdly, the wife being turned into salt...yeah, this one explains itself.

 

But Moses, Abraham, Adam and Eve and Noah's Ark are all worthy contenders. 

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"In the beginning..." to "Amen."

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     None of them.  I didn't bother examining them until after I was pretty much out the door.  Until then they were all "reasonable" (ie. they made sense or were made to make sense via apologetics that I had encountered over my lifetime in the cult).

 

          mwc

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For me Trinity and Jesus getting baptized is what broke the Bible.  I realized the New Testament authors didn't agree on the nature of Jesus.  And I reasoned that if they didn't understand the nature of Jesus then why should we trust anything they say?

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I'm just waiting for the camel to really break its back. Until now, the radical Xtians have only gone partially crazy. They actually function in the private sector of our society pretty well, with some exceptions. What will really be interesting is when they lose contact with reality to such an extent that they start acting as though their fantasies are real in their business activities.. They haven't gotten to the point where the employer looks to god to decide whether to go ahead with a specific business activity (such as whether to open a new store in another location) which  will involve major expenditures of money and employee time. When business owners begin routinely making  such decisions based on a prayer or god telling them in a dream  and following that prayer/dream to go forward with the project and fail,  the shit will hit the fan. I'm not saying that this hasn't happened from time to time. It has. But if it starts happening with huge corporations or in  large numbers, it could be a major problem. At this time Xtian employers have been shrewd in that they simply use prayers, etc. as manipulations of the stockholders,, having already made up their minds either to take the action or not. But having seen W. take this country to war in Iraq based upon a prayer or discussion with  or vision of god, or by whatever means he thinks he contacted the almighty, and get away with it with little protest, why couldn't this craziness happen in  happen to private industry?

 

Well, probably not. I'm saying this tongue in cheek, at least for now. But I think that Bush having done this to go to war is one of the most dangerous things a president can do. There should have a lot more protest than there was, notwithstanding the terrible cost. Rip

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Good question, StarGazer. Like a good Christian, I believed that god was omnipotent; therefore many of the stories that seem silly or improbable (such as the sun standing still for a day, Balaam's eloquent ass, feeding the 5000, the walls of Jericho falling down from a few toots of the trumpets, etc.) didn't really pose a problem for me until later. Hell, I was a Baptist pastor--believing the bible kind of comes with the territory.

 

The story that sticks out in my mind as being a game-changer is the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5. Not really a silly story, but definitely bizarre. A husband and wife tell a little fib and are struck dead by the Holy Ghost. It's told so matter-of-factly. The young men carry out the bodies in such a commendable workmanlike manner, as if this is just a matter of course. "Yep, better not screw around with god when it comes to money. We've got a team of strapping young lads ready to tote your dead carcasses out the door!"

 

Yikes.

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Guest Furball

That god is everywhere and all knowing yet had to go down to sodom and gomorrah to see for himself what was going on there.

 

That god is everywhere and all knowing yet had to come down to see the tower of babel and what the people were doing there.

 

That god is all knowing and created the universe yet was terrified of the builders of the tower of babel because "nothing will impossible for them" yet if he created everything he would have known that had they would have stopped building anyways due to lack of oxygen the higher they went, not to mention they would have been burned to a crisp trying to leave the earths atmosphere.

 

-bullsh*t

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That god is all knowing and created the universe yet was terrified of the builders of the tower of babel because "nothing will impossible for them" yet if he created everything he would have known that had they would have stopped building anyways due to lack of oxygen the higher they went, not to mention they would have been burned to a crisp trying to leave the earths atmosphere.

 

-bullsh*t

 

We've built towers higher than anything ancient man would have been able to build.  God never stopped us.  And of course we have all those airplanes, space stations and even landed men on the moon.  God didn't seem to care.

 

Maybe God is taking a nap?

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Good question, StarGazer. Like a good Christian, I believed that god was omnipotent; therefore many of the stories that seem silly or improbable (such as the sun standing still for a day, Balaam's eloquent ass, feeding the 5000, the walls of Jericho falling down from a few toots of the trumpets, etc.) didn't really pose a problem for me until later. Hell, I was a Baptist pastor--believing the bible kind of comes with the territory.

 

The story that sticks out in my mind as being a game-changer is the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5. Not really a silly story, but definitely bizarre. A husband and wife tell a little fib and are struck dead by the Holy Ghost. It's told so matter-of-factly. The young men carry out the bodies in such a commendable workmanlike manner, as if this is just a matter of course. "Yep, better not screw around with god when it comes to money. We've got a team of strapping young lads ready to tote your dead carcasses out the door!"

 

Yikes.

 

The Bible says the sun stood still for a day?  OMG really?  You mean those BOB’s were right who said the sun rotates around the earth?  Son of a gun!  LOL   Yet, if not mistaken Joshua read that in the Book of Jasher which is interesting since Moses was learned in the all the wisdom of the Egyptians who had no ability to write, much less read the written spoken word.   [You can put a couple of kids in a room with a crayon and paper and a Bible and the kids can draw all the images you want but they can live 10,000 years and never be able to read a word of the Bible unless someone teaches them how to read.]

 

Balaam’s ass talked?  So what is so impossible about an animal speaking if man is just another animal that evolved?

I mean they have Mr. Ed on film talking, and that is video proof.  lol

So if man evolved from primates, then how does one rule out the possibility that other mammals could not also communicate using the spoken word as man?

 

The walls of Jericho falling down from a few toots of the trumpets, etc.)

Familiar with the New Republic’s song Preacher.  Hands down one of their most interesting songs.  Secrets is one that might be their most interesting one.

If I recall, did they have to march around the outside of the walls for so long each day before the trumpets were sounded which cause the wall to fall. 

It is kinda like that old Memorex commercial were they made it look like sound waves could actually break glass.   But I guess they figured that people would believe that vibrations could cause a ripple effect through the air since they believed that vibrations of the ground surface that could deteroriate the bond of a mortar joint capable of effecting the molecular integrity of engineered structures., …..[waving his hand in air in unbelief]

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     None of them.  I didn't bother examining them until after I was pretty much out the door.  Until then they were all "reasonable" (ie. they made sense or were made to make sense via apologetics that I had encountered over my lifetime in the cult).

 

          mwc

 

I was pretty much in the same boat. I was so indoctrinated with biblical inerrancy that I could not conceive of any of it being silly. It just had to be true.

 

However, there was one story that, even in my indoctrinated mindset, raised my eyebrow. That's the story of Jacob using strips of wood in water troughs to get mating flocks' offspring to be streaked, speckled or spotted (Genesis 30:37-43). We all know that that's just not how genetics works. Since the Bible couldn't be wrong, though, I speculated that God must have intervened and controlled the results. However, the text itself says that the use of the wood strips is indeed the reason Jacob achieved his results. Now that I no longer have to make the Bible be true, I can accept that it actually means what it says here, and it is indeed a silly story.

 

Now that I'm out of the Jesus cult, I can see clearly that there are lots of silly stories in the Bible. I often find myself wondering how in the world I could've believed all that nonsense for so long. Oh, the wonders of childhood indoctrination!

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The Bible says the sun stood still for a day?  OMG really?  You mean those BOB’s were right who said the sun rotates around the earth?  Son of a gun!  LOL   Yet, if not mistaken Joshua read that in the Book of Jasher which is interesting since Moses was learned in the all the wisdom of the Egyptians who had no ability to write, much less read the written spoken word.   [You can put a couple of kids in a room with a crayon and paper and a Bible and the kids can draw all the images you want but they can live 10,000 years and never be able to read a word of the Bible unless someone teaches them how to read.]

 

Balaam’s ass talked?  So what is so impossible about an animal speaking if man is just another animal that evolved?

I mean they have Mr. Ed on film talking, and that is video proof.  lol

So if man evolved from primates, then how does one rule out the possibility that other mammals could not also communicate using the spoken word as man?

 

The walls of Jericho falling down from a few toots of the trumpets, etc.)

Familiar with the New Republic’s song Preacher.  Hands down one of their most interesting songs.  Secrets is one that might be their most interesting one.

If I recall, did they have to march around the outside of the walls for so long each day before the trumpets were sounded which cause the wall to fall. 

It is kinda like that old Memorex commercial were they made it look like sound waves could actually break glass.   But I guess they figured that people would believe that vibrations could cause a ripple effect through the air since they believed that vibrations of the ground surface that could deteroriate the bond of a mortar joint capable of effecting the molecular integrity of engineered structures., …..[waving his hand in air in unbelief]

 

 

Oh Justus, you crack me up!

 

Sun standing still. The sun standing still for a day was a miracle, outside of the normal motion of the sun as it made its way around the earth just like god commanded. Just look outside tomorrow, you can watch as the sun traverses the sky around the motionless earth. Only The Very Hand Of God His Own Self would have the power to stop it.

 

As for the rest of your attempt at a point (I'm assuming you had one), huh???

 

Joshua read that in the Book of Jasher which is interesting since Moses was learned in the all the wisdom of the Egyptians who had no ability to write, much less read the written spoken word.

 

 

If you could help me make sense of this sentence as it applies to anything like the bible, theology, this discussion, or the English language, I'd appreciate it.

 

Balaam's talking ass. You're right, this happens all the time. In fact, I do it all the time myself. It's called a fart. fart.gif

 

Walls of Jericho. I don't know much about the song you speak of, but I certainly do know the song "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho," and it clearly says de walls come a-tumblin' down. So that's outside corroboration that the bible is telling the truth.

 

Please don't take this miracle away from me with your naturalistic explanation of "vibrations" and "sound waves" and "molecular integrity of engineered structures." You're not leaving any room for god to act if you can just explain it all with science!

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remember those people understand earth as flat and the center of solar system where moon and sun orbiting the earth

what would happened when sun stop is nothing except longer day, all parts of the flat earth is still receive the sun light

but in a real word, the earth is not the center, the earth is rotating the sun. the sun standing still means the earth stop rotating

 

this is a good simulation what would happened when sun stop rotating

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The Christian world view is that God has incredible magic powers.  Essentially God can do anything at all.  God can suspend any natural law for as long as desired.  Which brings up a different problem.  Why does God's actions cause so much suffering?  Take Noah's Ark for example.  God has to suspend natural laws at every step of the way.  God has to make all the animals fit into that boat.  God has to arrange for the carnivores to stop eating for enough time that two herbivores of each kind would have enough offspring to restart the food chain.  Why didn't God use his magic to create a more suitable situation?  If God was angry at the humans then it would have taken less magic to simply unmake the people God found offensive.  But then God would not have drowned millions of cute kittens, and millions of cute puppy dogs.  If God had chosen the easier way then he would have missed out on all that suffering he got to inflict on all sorts of innocent animals.  The Bible makes God out to be a jerk.

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I didn't disbelieve any of the stories in the Bible until after I converted to reality. What got me more than anything were the consistent assumptions people made that weren't clarified in Scripture (like the whole carnivore/omnivore/herbivore thing on the Ark).

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I didn't question the stories, I questioned my ability to really understand them and was waiting for the day I'd have enough Spirit and Faith to know what god meant when letting all that happen. It's easier now, after deconversion, to see them just as strange stories often written primarily to scare people into submission.

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Guest Furball

that jesus walked on water and had power over the elements of the earth

 

that people were raised back from the dead

 

that jesus healed people right in front of everyone yet they still didn't believe 

 

that god created the world in six days (why not one if he is almighty god) - (days don't exist in the realm of eternity)

 

that a chariot of fire came out of the sky to take one of god's kiddies to an invisible place in the sky.  So much for flesh not inheriting (entering) the kingdom of god theory. (how did he not burn up in the atmosphere when the chariot took him up out of earth? how did he breath where there was no oxygen?)

 

that people can throw sticks on the ground that turn into snakes, then when taken by the tail the snake becomes a stick again. (the bible talks as if this were normal occurrences in those days, why not now?)

 

that jesus could move mountains, raise the dead, heal the sick, feed the poor with only a few fishes and some bread,walk on water,turn water into wine,read peoples thoughts,speak a word that knocks people over,outsmart his greatest adversaries,dry up fig plants, etc. then tells his disciples they will do the exact same things and even tells them that they will do even greater works than these yet no christian has ever done a single one of them. 

 

-you get the point

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I think the silliest story of the Bible, imho, would be the concubine story. Not so much because she was left to the crowds and raped to death in the village, but all the ridiculous reasoning that happened afterward.

 

Not only did the tribes of Israel, after receiving pieces of this woman, decide to obliterate the offending village, they then felt remorse afterwards for the few surviving and men. Not only did they decide to provide the survivors with women (not from their own tribes of course), but they pillaged yet another village to get the women for the men.....

 

Da faq???

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The Valley of Dry Bones in Ezekiel 37.

 

And Christians hate when you call them zombies.

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One of the silliest bible stories I can think of is the story of the tower of Babel. A god is so threatened by people building a tower to heaven, in which they will all suffer brain death from lack of oxygen if they were to build a tower that high, that the god destroys the tower and confuses everyone's language so as to stir up resentment and suspicion on a global scale leading up to today's chaos around the globe. How insecure and ineffective can one god be? Besides this story demonstrates how incorrectly the universe was viewed by early humans, and god did nothing to correct their assumptions.

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Guest Furball

And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.

 

what was is it that they imagined to do that had god pissing his invisible pants?

 

want a christian bullshit answer to the tower of babel?

 

The Tower of Babel Bible Story Summary

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I got hung up on Jonah. Being a life long fisherman and surfer, that fairy tale hit too close to home. It says fish, not whale and I remember people suggesting that a Mediterranean Jewfish (Goliath Grouper now) is the only fish big enough to swallow a man in some attempt at literalistic apologetics. I started thinking about it one day and then felt a wave of shame come over me all at once. Then it domino effected and I recapped all of the other stories too, first the floating axe head, then the talking ass and right down the line. It all just sort of clicked. And then I saw communion as a bunch of grown adults acting out fairy tales and completely lost respect for all church and school authority.....

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Babel and Noah's Ark did it for me

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Loaves and fish is just stupid

Water to wine

Jesus and Peter walking on water

Noah

Jonah

Walls of Jericho

Sheesh... No wonder my life is so much more successful now that I don't live in fairy tale land

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Water to wine

 

Sheesh... No wonder my life is so much more successful now that I don't live in fairy tale land

 

(I know you've heard this one before, but . . .)

 

Jeff, what's so hard about believing Jesus turned water to wine? I convert beer to piss everyday!biggrin.png

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