Something Higher

Something higher

 

They say that this whole religion was your imagination on high.

The music, the warmth, the glow of friendships.

So many people are selfish these days.

It’s a lost world. Madhouse.

More often than not, people care more about what you do for them than who you are as a person.

Even with all my skills and passions, I felt justified in taking my life.

This was a long time ago, but every now and again these thoughts flirt with my head.

I try not to take them too seriously.

 

We all long to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Hell, we all long to be a part of, period.

We all hide behind pleasure as if that is the meaning of life. We smoke together, we get drunk together, we gossip together. That’s just what life is. Isn’t it.

Each generation thinks it’s better than the next one. “The good old days” we say.

In reality, each generation is just as selfish as the last. Just in different ways.

While we deal with religious madmen hellbent on terror, people dealt with institutionalized racism back in the 50s.

While we get hooked on cheap, reality television…people got hooked on poppers on a Disco floor.

The people who say ‘back in my day,’ don’t truly know what they mean.

Not really.

I’ve done the same thing.

 

 

Something higher.

Christianity used to give me all the answers.

I felt free.

It made sense to me.

This world was simply passing away.

After all, this world is filled with all sorts of nonsense.

All I wanted my whole life were answers.

I found friendships deeper than I could have ever imagined.

I found purpose stronger than I ever could have realized.

I found mercy and I found joy.

And I found peace.

I accepted all of it because I knew I was selfish.

I never needed it to tell me that I was, I just knew it.

All it did was reveal to me that I was the same type of selfish as everyone else.

 

If Hell was a place without God, then I felt it every day of my life without knowing it.

The emptiness, the misery, the hate I felt toward myself…was real.

 

I hooked myself on pornography to get ahead.

You don’t need alcohol to be drunk.

 

Something higher.

I felt free. I felt good. I felt purposeful.

And I wanted my family to be a part of it.

 

They never understood it.

 

And the closest person I had…called it a college phase.

 

 

But she was wrong. Dead wrong.

 

I prayed.

 

 Prayed.

 

And Prayed.

 

Her eyes would never be opened.

 

Some would say that she chose to keep them closed.

 

Because God is limited by what we can do.

 

I bought it for a while.

 

Because I was free, purposeful, and full of life.

 

But I couldn’t escape it.

I couldn’t escape the torment.

 

I knew my loved ones were in danger of hellfire if they didn’t convert.

 

So, I kept praying.

 

After a while, my eyes finally opened.

 

Just what am I doing?

 

The concept of hellfire never caused me to doubt God’s character.

 

If he is God, then he is just.

 

I understood it.

 

But his lack of willingness to reveal himself in real, tangible ways…startled me.

 

My youth also startled me.

 

I knew I could have been suckered into something false.

 

I knew myself well enough.

 

Still, the friendships were real and I felt free…enough.

 

But my doubts overcame me and I looked online.

 

Now I had the blinders off. It was just me and honest searching.

 

But by this time…I was furious.

 

I wanted God to be false. I really did.

 

If he existed, he was a jerk.

 

But if he didn’t exist, I was merely deluded.

 

I found out that I that thousands of men and women who were far stronger believers than myself also had doubts.

These were people who read the Bible multiple times through and out. Unbiased.

 

I researched evolution and realized it made sense.

I realized God had been failing people left and right.

I also knew that I was a very emotionally charged young person, easily taken advantage of.

 

 

So, I stopped.

I stopped giving my valuable time to this god.

No more worship, no more reading.

 

 

Now I’m lost again.

 

Without a purpose or a dream.

 

Just kidding.

 

I’ve got plenty to live for.

 

However, I was half serious.

 

That is how my mind works now.

 

Eventually I will believe that life is all about what you make of it.

 

And if my brain could be suckered into believing Christianity,

Then maybe I can try suckering it to believe something else.

 

Something higher.

 

I believe in the goodness of people.

I believe that most people deserve multiple chances to get their lives together.

I don’t believe in sacrificing myself for a god who allows thousands of people to wallow in confusion.

But I believe in sacrifice for the good of another person.

 

I don’t believe in working hard to please an aloof, invisible god.

But I believe in working hard because I’m one strong part of a well-oiled machine.

 

I don’t believe in worshiping a god who demands loyalty over my family

Not with as little as he has done.

 

And don’t give me that cross bullshit.

Because really, that thing is just a cop out for everything.

 

But I believe in serving my family to the highest order because they’re my family.

 

 

Forgiveness to me is going to have to be more about letting go of bitterness

Than emulating that raggedy old cross.

 

And sometimes…no matter how strong you may be…you just can’t be there for everyone.

 

I recognize that this path is a lonelier one.

But one day I will look back and it’ll just all be a faint echo.

 

 

So here is all I have.

Somehow, I can find something else to latch onto.

To build another foundation for myself.

Not another cult like group, but a set of ideals.

 

 

Because my brain is fried

And I have not been thinking well.

 

 

Something higher.

To love yourself. To love the people around you.

To take in as much beauty as you possibly can.

To choose what allows you to become angry.

To choose what battles are worth fighting.

To seek after a purpose.

Whatever it will be.

 

Maybe it will become to seek ‘spiritual’ growth, in the words of Dr. Scott Peck.

Maybe our purposes will keep changing as we get older and wiser.

Maybe we should just allow life to be life. In all of its storms and in all of its rays of sunlight.

Maybe we should just stop trying so hard to find a purpose and just let purpose find us.

 

Maybe it’s about showing others a ray of light.

What if nature is just one big metaphor?

 

What if life didn’t have to be about chasing pleasures?

What if it could be about chasing something higher?

What if we never find it?

 

What if we just keep on chasing it?

The problem with chasing pleasures is that we can never have enough.

So why bother?

But what if we chased something higher?

What is it?

 

Not sure.

 

At the end of the day, it is up to us.

But we can choose something more than…just dying.

 

We can choose something higher.

Higher than art

Higher than poetry

Higher than sports

Higher than writing

Higher than film

Higher than music.

 

We can just chase beauty.