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A Troubled Man Likes Me?


rach

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So I slowly find out about a crush that a severely emotionally troubled man might have on me. This is a man I mean, in regular life I mean not on the internet. And I have absolutely no problem with "emotionally troubled" individuals because I know myself to be the most emotionally troubled person I've ever met. But the difference between me and this guy (I'm going to call him, for a nickname, Trouble), the difference is that I know myself to have serious problems and I know my limitations and everything, and so I don't push too far. I stay away from serious relationships because I am manic depressive and everything. But Trouble, he seems to know a little bit that he is shall we say "sick", but he does not want to get help because he likes to be the way he is. He even seems proud of it. I know if I got in a relationship with Trouble I would be abused by him. There is no doubt in my mind I would be abused and harmed. I think that he really thinks that he loves me but his idea of love is way too rough for me. So now I have to deal with this, and I have to avoid any kind of relationship with Trouble, without hurting his feelings and further sending him into an emotional disaster. And what makes it a bit hard is I do have something of an attraction to Trouble say physically and there are great aspects of his personality but he is a two sided man and when you consider both sides of him he just is not capable of having a healthy relationship, but he either does not understand that or if he does understand it he doesn't care. Trouble has been suggesting sexual contact between us. I mean that Trouble thinks we should get in a sexual relationship together someday. But I keep saying, no, no, not a good idea. He thinks he is mentally stable but I just can see that he isn't. Trouble suggests that I would make him better if I got in a relationship with him if I gave him a chance.

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rach, I suggest you avoid this man totally. Is he a Christian or non-Christian? (It doesn't matter; I just wondered if you know him from a Christian environment?) In any case, tell him a firm "no" as you have done, and avoid him. He's already told you that he prefers his emotional dysfunction. And he is trying to play on your weaknesses. If he continues to bother you, tell someone else, even the police. Take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and honor.

 

Human

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Avoid him. You owe him nothing. You can't fix him, it's not your circus, not your monkeys. It sounds like he's trying to groom you for an abusive relationship. He seeks out women who aren't in the best place mentally and emotionally for whatever reason b/c he thinks they're easy targets. If your state has it, you can look him up through the online court records. He may have a history if he's that bad. If he doesn't or if nothing related to abuse or assault comes up, it doesn't mean he's ok after all. All it means is that he's been careful and sneaky enough to not get caught, and that makes him even more dangerous. 

 

You're not responsible for his reaction. It isn't your job to babysit him or his feelings. All of that is on him. Him talking about how you and he should do it can be considered sexual harassment, and he's violating your boundaries already. 

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Human, he is Christian as far as I understand.  Firm Christian.  I know what you guys are saying is totally right and in my head I know I am not responsible for his feelings.  But when I ignore him or turn him down then I feel guilty.  Like I hurt his feelings and made him to feel no worth.  Why do I feel guilty about it?  He has a lot of good qualities which I would like to encourage in him and maybe someday he could have potential to attempt a relationship, but maybe never.  If he is not going to deal with his emotional problems then the answer is never. 

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You can't change him, you can't fix him and you can't save him. You're right, the answer is never. The reason you're feeling guilty is b/c you have a really, really good heart, and he knows this. I wouldn't put it past him to try to guilt trip you into feeling sorry for him. Guys like this are so manipulative, they're predators when push comes to shove. 

 

He is unlikely to ever change, so consider him 'as is,' and steer clear of him. He's using his mental issues as a green light to act like a creep. It doesn't sound like he has any boundaries for himself, and he obviously doesn't respect yours. He may have good qualities otherwise, if he didn't, nobody would put up with him at all. But it doesn't matter. His behavior is all that matters at the end of the day.

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You are really wise about relationships, miles.  I hope that my intellect can rule my emotions on this one because I am so easily led by emotions.  My emotions say "sleep with him" and make him feel good, and give him a chance, but my brain says "stay away." 

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Yeah, well, I unfortunately learned these things the hard way, so I kinda had to be. You learn a lot about relationships when you're being abused, rejected, and ignored. From the way Trouble's been acting, he doesn't deserve a girlfriend or a friend w/ benefits, let alone sex. Think of it as rewarding bad behavior for him if you do give in, which I highly doubt you will. 

 

Listen to your instincts. They're telling you to stay away from him, now honor that. Trouble reminds me of someone I used to know. I've mentioned him around here before, I've referred to him as Tom. Like Trouble, Tom turned out to be extremely manipulative, and he used the disability he had as his free pass to do whatever the hell he wanted. Sometimes you don't see it coming until you get close enough to them for any length of time, and those are the sneakier ones. Everyone else may think Trouble is all that and a bag of chips, but that doesn't matter. He isn't safe for you to be around. 

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What do you do though when the physical + emotional magnetism is there in spite of when you know "this is not going to turn out well". 

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He's doing it.  The bastard is doing exactly what I expected.  I made it clear that there will be no relationship not now, not ever.  There will be no sex.  I made a firm decision that we should not be around each other at all.  But he is playing on my emotions.  Making me feel like I missed out on the best thing I ever could have had.  Sending sad break up songs.  Daughtry "Over You."  The Script "Nothing".  The sad thing is I read recently in a magazine about a celebrity called Sarah Hyland.  She was interviewed about her ex and how she broke up with him because he became abusive and violent.  When I was reading what she had to say about him I kept thinking "yep, that's Trouble, that's how he is."  But he is so damn good at playing my emotions and making me feel like I am mistreating him instead of the other way around. 

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Hey, sorry I didn't see this until now! Anyways, this is exactly what predators and sociopaths do. What he's doing is a pity ploy, and he's gaslighting you into thinking you're the one with the problem. It's projection, so consider the source. His thinking is far too distorted to be of any truth to you. Don't for one second believe what he has to say. He's the one who missed out on someone great all b/c he couldn't behave himself for more than 2 seconds. That's his loss, and your gain. He sounds like he's a very sloppy abuser, since he couldn't keep his mask of sanity on for any length of time. 

 

Now go no contact with him. Your peace of mind and your safety depend on it. Eventually he'll give up and find someone else to target.

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