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Should I Avoid These Men?


rach

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I am having trouble about knowing who to establish relationships with and who to avoid. I don't like having shallow relationships with people. I'd rather have a few, sincere friends rather than a lot of shallow friends. Anyway there are a couple of men that I am on the fence about.

 

On the one hand, that we have a lot in common and the potential for a great friendship is there based on the commonalities in personality that are there. It's a rare thing when your personality just seems to click or is magnetized to the personality of somebody else. I feel like everybody has "magnets" inside them which is their personality and they can only have real close friendships with others who have a corresponding "magnet". Some personalities just don't mix. Out of 99 people I might find only one that has a personality that's complementary to mine enough to have a real friendship. Keep in mind I am talking about genuine friendships not "facebook friends".

 

The problem is the two men in question are Christians, and whilst I am totally open to having friendships with Christians in spite of serious differences between us as regards beliefs and priorities, both men are virulently anti-gay and anti-lesbian. Do I establish a friendship and try to open their minds or do I just walk away at that point? I've never personally had a friendship relationship with a gay man but lesbian women have been a part of my life for many years and my experiences with lesbians have been positive. I don't understand where the need or desire to bash gays and lesbians even comes from but it is off-putting to me. Apparently these men have never known and loved anyone that wasn't straight.

 

The other thing is the men in question are both white and heavily indoctrinated into white (and by white I just mean, English) culture to where they are not open-minded towards other cultures. Obviously I find this very off-putting. Other races and languages seem to offend them other than Asian because that's still white.

 

I just don't know if it might be time to pull the plug on any kind of future relationship with these guys and just mostly avoid them or do I just let them be part of my life and try to change their views?

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I'd be done with those guys. It isn't up to you to teach them stuff that should be super old news to them by now, and you can't change them. They have to change themselves. I get that you wanna offer your friendship and your gifts to them, but with their racist views, they'll just waste your time.

 

You have so much to offer. These two are toxic to you. Find someone who's respectful of other cultures and differences, and offer your gifts to them instead. 

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Yeah I think you guys are right on this one.  I just didn't want to throw away two potentially good friendships but I see that it is not worth it.  I don't want them to motivate me towards their viewpoints either.  I don't know where to find genuine friendships anymore.  I'm 30.  Where does a thirty year old find friends?

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I understand your feelings. On the one hand, they might make good friends, but their value system just isn't yours...AT ALL. So, I have always witnessed this with other friends, and it's happened to me as well...when you befriend people who think toxic thoughts about others, it just taints the friendship. Good luck with this situation.

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I doubt any relationship would be happy if only one side is heavily indoctrinated as described above.

 

While reading your post, all I could see was an enormous field covered with red flags.

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Yeah I think you guys are right on this one.  I just didn't want to throw away two potentially good friendships but I see that it is not worth it.  I don't want them to motivate me towards their viewpoints either.  I don't know where to find genuine friendships anymore.  I'm 30.  Where does a thirty year old find friends?

 

They may have potential, but it doesn't sound like they're living up to it. Those two are a lost cause, and you deserve better than them. What they have to offer is worthless from what you described. A bad friendship isn't better than no friendship. I learned this the hard way, it was a tough lesson to learn. Are there any shops you frequent, even if you don't actually buy anything? What about places like bowling alleys or community centers? Are there any good meetups in your area? If it turns out that they either suck or they're not a good fit for you, then you can always try local events outside of meetup.

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I go to various places in the community.  I guess I just get scared of actively looking for friendships.  Scared, I mean, that people would think I am pursuing them for a romantic relationship when I am not.  I won't even talk to most men in my area because they'll think you are after them for a relationship (at my age since I am single).  Or if I try to pursue friendships with Christians we all know what happens.  I'll just be a Potential Convert nothing more than that.  The friendships I am really craving is to be part of a community group with my own race but there is no one of my race around. 

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Always stay true to you. It's hard but you'll find him. I didn't think I'd find a girl like mine, and I did. Well.... she found me. It grew out of something that was supposed to just be her helping me learn french.

 

Seems like the best relationships just happen almost on their own.  Like you weren't expeciting a friendship to happen you were just expecting her to teach you something. 

I think I'm starting to understand that I can't be friends with people based on personality alone.  They have to have a similar value system to me else we will just end up arguing maybe hating each other. 

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