I guess the title of this entry says it all really.
I have a tendency to run from positive relationships, and I'm trying to break that habit. My biggest issue right now is that I feel numb, as in, I cannot feel my emotions, whether I care deeply for someone, love them, or simply feel deep respect for them. The only exception to this is my children, whom I know I love unconditionally as any parent should.
All I want right now is to feel again, it appears as though this is going to be difficult and possibly painful.. I probably shut down that part of me as a child, and as a result I suspect I mistook jealousy for love in past relationships. That would explain my tendency to 'always run' from the ones that are actually positive and probably normal.
Yesterday I witnessed my boyfriend make a heart, stare at it for a while, then throw it away... The previous evening he had told me that he had more feelings for me than he ever imagined pissible, and that he was falling for me. To his credit he said itbat exactly the right moment, and there was no expectation for a reply.
At this moment in time, I'm sitting around trying to figure out how I feel, whether I have feelings for him or not, whether I miss him when he's not here,. Its pretty hard to figure out when all I have to go on is my thoughts.
Its pretty obvious there's something somewhere or I wouldn't be thinking about him all the time. He doesn't expect anything from me and nor do I from him. Its so easy, there's no effort required, its simple and I enjoy his company, but I don't want to feel numb anymore.
It's like one part of me says he's just another guy, another part of me says he's not, and yet another part of me says run for your life because that's what you always do when someone nice starts falling for you, yet in amongst all of this, all there is, is me feeling completely and utterly numb. I feel nothing. It'sso confusing.
Even my friends told him I always run, so I guess he's expecting that now.
I just don't know what to do. I'm going to give him half a chance, I can do at least that, but I don't want to feel like this forever, it just sucks.