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Bad Fish




My latest boyfriend has been informed that he is catch-and-release only, and has been returned to the pond. I hate making that phone call, but "do unto others, etc" is always in my mind when I think about chickening out and just letting things slide instead of breaking up formally. I actually think it would be best to do it face to face, but when do you do that-- when he comes to pick you up or after he pays for dinner?


I pulled the it's-not-you-it's-me thing and told him that I'm not getting enough time alone, what with seeing him, riding my horses, visiting my dad, and mowing my parents' lawn while dad is recovering from his stroke. I told him the truth, just not all of it. There is a mile-long list of things that make him wrong for me, but I didn't feel that I needed to add insult to injury by itemizing them for him.


So what happened? He called me back 10 minutes later and said that if it was only because he wanted to see me too much, than maybe we could just see each other on the weekends or something. I was tempted to start on the list, but there were other people standing around and I didn't want to give them the pleasure of hearing what kind of loser I've been seeing this time.


I don't understand. If you don't give a guy a fraction of hope, he'll imagine one. I BROKE UP WITH HIM. I said I didn't want to see him anymore. Whatever the reason, I said I was through. Why not walk away instead of beg for an ego bash?


Looks like maybe I'm missing something.



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When it comes to this subject, I've found that logical thinking goes out the window for most people.


When it comes to attraction and finding a prospective mate people on both sexes frequently don't make a lot of sense.


However, I'm sure he'll get the message eventually.

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I suppose I'm more concerned with not appearing to be a bitch than I am with getting my point across clearly. I don't know where the middle ground is.



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I suppose I'm more concerned with not appearing to be a bitch than I am with getting my point across clearly.  I don't know where the middle ground is.





That is the trick isn't it. Let me know when you find a full-proof method of finding the middle ground in relationships. I'd like to know that myself.

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Part of the trick is not letting the other person's perception of you affect your behavior. I'm learning this the hard way with my ex wife. Just because she thinks I'm an asshole, or treats me like I'm being an asshole, doesn't mean I'm actually an asshole. On one end of the spectrum, it's manipulation, on the other end it's immaturity/insecurity.


If you let the guy down firmly but clearly, giving him the chance to spare his pride, and he fails to take that chance, then forget it. No longer your problem.


Being firm and clear is difficult, but not bitchy. Not all rejected people can see that clearly though. Again, not your problem.


Being direct in the overall result and vague in the details at the same time is how I choose to do it now. And yes, for the first time in my life I have the opprotunity to reject people. In your case I'd recommend something like 'this isn't working for me anymore, sorry but it's over.' And just flat out ignore any pleas for reasons. Assert your right to not talk about it, which will only serve to reassure the person that they don't have another shot, or there is no hole through which they can possibly 'save' the relationship.


Once you've done that, there's little you can do to prevent him thinking you're a bitch if that's what he's going to think. You can however rest assured that you're probably the nicest person who has ever dumped him, because you didn't leave him languishing in false hope or confusion until he figured it out.

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