Some days, when I get to sit down quietly without anyone disturbing me, I get this hollow feeling that my life makes no sense. I still have gaping holes in my sense of self and my boundaries, I don't have a "bottom line" or a "foundation" of... me. Rather my history is a swamp that I can't build on, and I just try to make myself comfortable in my daily life.
At least I managed to pull studying back into my comfort zone last year, so I feel I'm contributing to the world rather than being a leech, and I'm training my own brain, though I don't know what I'll do with it. If it was up to me I'd lock myself up in a small office at university and study number theory or something.
I haven't spoken to any of my family members for weeks now, and yesterday the loneliness of that came over me. I don't know who is my "safety net". My boyfriend's family doesn't like me much, and he himself is just as poor as me anyway and I can't think of letting him support me without me supporting me. I'm okay with my father, but his financial situation is bad, so he can only offer a listening ear. He's such a chronic worrier though, he gets unexplained physical aches and I wouldn't be surprised if it was psychosomatic from all the mental pain and regret in him. I rather don't bug him.
That's one more thing right there that makes it look sensible that I clung on to Jesus. I could imagine that in him I had the loving authority who actually does know what's best for me. I counted on him to get me out of trouble if things were to get really bad. I believed in the Footprints in the Sand idea, that if you look back and see only one set of footprints, it was Jesus carrying you - no matter how heavy your heart was, he was strong enough to carry you.
I'm still hurting over having to accept that I'm the only one I really am going to have for my whole life. Ouch... now I'm getting so cynical that I'm stopping right here and taking my SSRI's, I forgot them yesterday in all the hassle I had about having to suddenly work.