I said it out loud in the breakfast table this morning: "Thinking you're in guidance makes you do random things". It's a truth about how I used to be, a very sad truth that made me waste so much time and make some very stupid decisions. Well, as it's random, I did make some very good decisions too, but didn't take much of the responsibility for them either - I decided they were me fulfilling someone else's plan.

There was only my boyfriend listening, I'm still not "out" as ex-Christian to my Pentecostal roomie.

I still occasionally read the New Age forum that at some point, in my deepest depression, was the only activity I participated in every day. Well, in fact there were days that I did nothing but. Anyway, these days I read it for the same reason I watch Pentecostal broadcasts - the more I look at those things now, the more certain I am that I did the right thing stopping all of it.

There are some people there who have the same view as I did as Jesus being the greatest, and some who believe something else - but at the end of the day, extreme versions of it are not that much unlike fundy Christianity, even when the hardcore New Agers not-so-surprisingly claim it's "more true" or whatever. There are people who are scared of negativity to a similar extent that some Christians are scared of sin, even sending away "too negative" people from their lives, and thinking all illnesses are both started and cured by thoughts and/or energy.

And of course, there are people who think only they have the right idea of how the world works and what "God" is, and can't understand why everyone doesn't think the same way - they might even suspect there's an evil force at work, stopping the others from being open to it. Or the good old favourite "Oh, you're not developed enough to understand. It's not your fault" that nicely puts them on the pedestal of The Developed Ones. Kind of like "That pastor has God's special anointment" or something.

Also, right now there is a long thread where a girl who's barely turning twenty is turning Tarot cards for those who ask, and the questions are the type of "Does it make sense for me to sell my house now?" and "What does the future bring for me and my new love interest?". I surely remember Christian people praying about serious stuff like that and making decisions from that. Maybe it works for some people, it's been even scientifically researched and there was evidence that in stock market, people who do emotional decisions do best in the long run. Maybe, just my feeling, but maybe a different thing is when your emotions aren't working like they should. I used to feel so much anxiety and even panic that often I didn't even recognise what else I felt, so I prayed for guidance. I even used to think I was a "good" Jesus follower because I prayed for guidance in so many things and then waited for coincidences that I could decide were the answer.

Sigh. What a waste. I could be so much farther in life if it weren't for that.

I'm having one of my recurring dreams VERY often now. I had it when I just napped and I last had it 2 nights ago, and it's been coming many other nights as well. In it my childhood scenery is filled with new houses, while my mom's house is exactly like it is in reality, that horrible thing.

However, today, during my nap, there was a new version. In it, my mom laughed a very disturbing laugh at me as I was fixing the brakes of my old car. I asked her to please explain, so she hopped on a bike. I took on one too, it was terrible to ride and the chain was just a rope that I had to hold in place with my shoe. Anyway, after a long ride across a field, she took me to a shed and said, "Look what I found. It's yours I know". It was a photocopy of a long article with a picture of a galaxy on the first page, and some untelligible drivel about Paul the Apostle on the next pages. She was saying, "The thing is that you got away with too few consequences when you were young".
I asked, "What the hell are you talking about?" but then I woke up.

It is true though. Not that the consequences as a whole were "too few", but way too few of them were realistic and relevant to real life. Honesty could lead into my mom having a fit of rage, but being able to do things in secret might end in me getting what I wanted and my mom NOT being upset. I didn't learn true cause and effect for a long time, I was really behind my peers on morals, and I didn't have a clue why I should ever be completely honest about everything.

I've been thinking of that a lot lately because especially Christians say that people's sense of morality must be due to God putting it there. If that were so, how is my early life possible, with me not knowing what "keeping a secret" means, thinking cheating in school tests is fine because it gets you a good grade, and a "no" means "this is a challenge for you to find out a way to do it anyway"? (Oh right, it must have been Satan's work. But I was extra blessed and protected because I was born to a sick and poor family. But I was sick and poor so I just had to be extra tormented by Satan. But Jesus has won Satan. But Satan still reigns, God lets it happen to shape us. But Jesus crushed Satan's head. But don't focus on today, eternity matters more than this short trip on the dirtball. But... you get where this is going, right? Nowhere at all that helps you understand and conquer life's struggles.)

Anyway, no wonder I didn't have a very realistic view of cause and effect for a long time and was able to see whatever I wanted as "evidence" of God or whatnot.

I do hope I function better now and don't only feel that I do.

This entry is all over the place, so if anyone actually read all of it, here's a picture.

There.