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Goodbye Jesus

Into the mind of Flowerdemon

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Just A Random Rant



I'm unsure of where to begin. My heart is torn into pieces, even though I'm the one who left him. I did everything I could to help him. Before we broke up, I was a caregiver for a codependent leech who lacks the ability to care for himself. By becoming a living sacrifice for him, I kept hurting myself, my needs and wants uncared for, brushed to the side. And when I left him, he took all of my help, all of my care, everything I did for him, and spit it all back in my face like it didn't matter.


2 weeks of torture, afraid he was going to take his own life over me. I lost sleep, lost privacy and peace of mind, my phone constantly blowing up. Being blamed for everything when I was the one handling this like an adult, when I was the one who did everything right and didn't act out like a child...really fucking hurts. I experienced a whole new level of anxiety I had never felt before.


And now all of a sudden he's "just fine." Well that's just fine and dandy. I went through what felt like hell pretty much for nothing. He's still alive, still breathing, and I had nothing to worry about from the start.
I was exploited. I was suicidal 3 years ago, and as a pre teen I used to believe everything was my fault. he used these things about me, against me. By threatening suicide and blaming me for it all...he knew my sensitive buttons and how to get attention from me. It was so fucked up. I have never been so hurt in my entire life. And my adult life has just begun.


I'm better off alone, anyway. I wasn't even ready to be in a committed relationship living with my significant other to begin with. It felt so right when it happened, I thought I was ready. But now I see how immature I was to the whole idea of this. I want to just care for me.


I have a horrible habit of people pleasing...and this relationship taught me that I need to put Self Care as my #1 priority, if I'm with a man or not. I should never neglect taking care of myself in exchange for caring for someone who neglects his own self care. It just ain't right. No woman deserves this kind of shit.


This was emotional abuse. I never thought I'd find myself saying that I escaped an emotionally abusive relationship. It breaks my heart when I remember the fact. People fucking suck.


He acted like the victim and saw me as the criminal. But in all reality, it was the other way around. I was being isolated, never got to go out and do anything, always felt like i had to check with him before I went out and did things on my own cuz he got suspicious of me (especially when i went to hang out with friends and guys were there), and when I said I would leave...he mentioned suicide and then I got scared that he would die if I left him. He kept telling me he would change...to give him another chance...and i gave plenty of chances. but what bothers me is the fact that I had to ASK him to take me out somewhere...he'd never do anything surprisingly sweet. I always had to initiate any plans outside the house. And it's not that I wanted HIM to change, I wanted him to change his HABITS that were negatively impacting our relationship. He thought I was trying to change him, he interpreted me as controlling...literally everything I did was because I cared...and he turned it around as if I was being ridiculous. On top of all of this...I tried to help him, even after we split..and it doesn't seem like it mattered.


It was a sheltered life. I didn't even get to see much of the town I live in. But now I do...my friends have my back and they showed me parts of town I've never seen, and it helped me feel more at home than ever. And now I found a new place to live so I'm just gonna focus on me and turn over a new leaf as the new year approaches. It's gonna take me a long time to heal over this...but I did what I had to do for myself. This fucking sucks...

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