Here are the things I can't say to my family, or anyone I know in person. So, this blog will serve as a confession I guess. I get the irony of calling it that but as I've never been Catholic of gone to confession I hope you'll excuse me.
And without further ado, Confession 1:
Today my sister asked me why I've been so grouchy. She preceded that question by telling me not to take the question the wrong way; something I so often do (really, who doesn't?). My lie was that I wasn't feeling well. The truth? I'm still pissed with my dad. I can't tell her that because she doesn't understand. "You didn't want to talk to him anyway so why do you care that he didn't call back?" It's the principal of the situation (I picked up that phrase from my mom and have used/heard it so many times it's a wonder I'm not sick of it yet). He said he would call. He didn't.
To make matters worse I have a history of depression which hangs on me like...insert proper simile here. I still have bad days and get a lot of crap from my family about it because they think I'm just being bitchy (honestly, I'd rather be a bitch than a crier). But they don't get it so they nag me or tease me(because it gets me worked up and they think it's funny) and that just makes it worse.
Now this new crap with my dad is escalating and as I also have a history of self-harm (something at least one person in my family knows but has apparently chosen to ignore) I really want to cut even though I know I shouldn't. And as much as it kills me to ask a stranger for help, I'm thinking about getting an appointment with a counselor when I get back to school and trying to get back on anti-depressants. Hopefully mild ones, like last time. I'm not suicidal but I do need help.
I'm the screw up in the family. Or that's how I feel. And now I can't even hide my depression properly because my mom noticed too and said something to my sister. I'm a grouch. A bitch. PMSing. So many adjectives. I wish someone could just understand for once and cut me some slack. Honestly, the "grouchiness" is probably from trying to keep everything inside. I tell my family a lot of things about myself(some more than others) but there are a few things that I keep hidden and they eat away at me or I don't tell them how I really feel. Then the bitch comes out.
For now, all I have to do is get through the next two weeks without saying anything too mean or hurtful. Easier said than done.