The hardest thing for me is understanding and processing that people simply just do not care, they just dont. I have always cared about everyone as much as I can, and that has been a lot, I have lot of natural empathy. The cognitive dissonance this shit causes me has been frying my brain for decades. I think though the truth is finally starting to get through.

I have two ladies that have been my friends for a very long time. Neither of them want to discuss how badly this rift with my daughter has hurt me. I tried with one on ther weekend and she changed the subject twice. I didn't push it, but I am very sad that she doesn't care how I feel. The other one was doing her school reports and could not even find half an hour just to sit with me whiel I vented.

I have listened to these people vent to me for decades, but they cannot find time for me anymore. I just don't get it. I can't afford to see my therapist at the moment, and if I don't get the shit inside of me out, it starts to eat holes in my soul. I thought they would have understood and appreciated that after knowing me all theseyears, but no. One would rather discuss recipes and knitting (FFS!) and the other just, well is too busy I guess.

I have never done things expecting to get things back, I just thought life was about reciprocity from a loving heart. Silly me.

So now along with the fury at my daughter for causing a rift between us over practically nothing, now I am angry at my friends for not caring.

I just love being alive.