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Evolving As A Person




For the longest time when I would watch films, I couldn't relate. I mean, for a lot of films I think we probably can't relate to the lifestyle they may present but I assume most can relate to the characters in some sort of an emotional level - thinking "I know what it feels like to go through that or feel that". Even in that regards I couldn't relate.


Now, when I talk about this I am mostly focusing on the human relationship aspect (the other aspects are for another post, another time). So many films seem and seemed fake regarding the way people connected or talked to each other. I would encounter scenarios where people thought something was an accurate portrayal and I would think that it was utterly bizarre.


I think this mosty was due to the fact that I never really grew up with relationships. Now, when it came to relationships with my parents - these were turbulent and because of my mother's illness I couldn't really stay attached without getting hurt - so I didn't. I never really seemed to keep friends for that long either. Then of course the biggest issue for most teen boys I guess is never having a girlfriend. I had friends having been married and onto their 2nd kids by the time I first went out on a date with someone.


Because of this, I often even wondered if I was capable of "love". If I would know what it felt like, or if I would know if it was being given? Having been in a relationship for a while now I think I kind of understand the emotion and I think I feel it and receive it but having been starved of intimacy of most kinds from a very early age I do doubt myself sometimes. I realize as more time goes on how robotic I must seem to most, and I sometimes wonder if I am naturally like that - or has life experiences made me that way?


Anyways, I watched a film tonight called "Her" and it's about a guy that falls in love with an AI residing in his operating system. In one scene that goes over his life with his now ex wife, there's a part where his then wife is holding him and says something along the lines of "I love you so much that I could almost kill you". As soon as I heard that, I experienced the weird sensation of "yeah, I get that - I know what that feels like". It kinda stunned me, and shows that at least in some ways I am still evolving - from an unempathetic state, to an empathetic one :)



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