The Stupid! It Burns!

[ContraBardus]

 

Christian quotes that made you feel like this when you read or heard them.

 

The dumbest arguments, statements, or nuggets of 'wisdom' you heard about any topic when talking to the God Fearing Christ-stains. Just things that are completely batshit insane also qualify. The crazier the better, but just plain 'I'm so blind I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face if I was wearing a glow in the dark glove with glowsticks tied to the fingers' stupid as well.

 

Here's a couple from some Youtube Christians I've argued with for my own sick entertainment recently. All of these were directly engaging with me and uttered these gems of blatant stupidity.

 

My notes are in "[]"

 

aquabest

 

160,000 years is far far too long. I am looking at why no human fossils of just a little more than 6,000 years.

 

[This next section is quite lengthy, but sickly entertaining. Note, this is an English speaker. He's Canadian, and according to his profile -47-. It's also considerably dumber if you know who Edward Current is. This guy is a 'special' find for stupid christian claims. Warning, his spelling is unaltered from the original posts.]

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

so the virgin marry just had a child. So a mental person did amazing miracles

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

search hell recording. Just do it and hear the sound. Also they found the missing link it has a bigger tail then a monkey

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

so tell me how is the recording from hell fake were you there. And guess what it was on a radio show . how could someone create that

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

were you there. Were u. And how do u know its a hoax . How did life form did a litle piece of matter come. And what would have created that and what made the perfect envirment. If tghere were no god i wouldn't be here

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

the book of revaloutin you know 666. Well the things it describes as weabons sound like are weabons. example the dragon shall breathe fire. Sounds like a tank. Also the mouth shall open and breathe fire. Sounds like missles being fired.

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

soif the bible is wrong how come it speaks of many citys and there fait. Example Babylon destroyed. i do think its destroyed. Or how come that even before the bible people believed in god. id they just make him up to scare people

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

the big bang s scientifically impossible. Matter cant just happen. Something magical had to create everything

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

i past that and it never said that. if there is no god then how come people died and went to heaven or hell. And maybe the big bang created god. How come are planet is in the perfect pistioun of the sun. I got that from the knowing

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

and the evidence that he doesn't exist is soprtive. If god doesn't exist then why the bible,pope,church. and the bible has been saying stuff that science has confirmed.

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

how the species get here. The humans cant just come out of nothing. O and how come so many prophecies came true. And who know 666 may come soon.

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

this is the last try im making. U know all the religious artifacs. Well u know that the sun and the moon duh right and that there are only 3 numbers. Well guess wat if u measure some of the artifacs in the bible it will have the only numbers. And god said that when hey find a way of measuring this stuff then te end is near.If u dont believe that then ull burn aternaty in the lake of fire. Jerks

[it wasn't the last try.]

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

how did humans learn to talk did they just make it up. Why 7 contenants,7 oceans isnt 7 the sabath day.

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

god created sperm and eggs for reprudction. And food for us to eat. in the bible it said that the heavens stretched guess what thats the big bang theory. Edward said that. You might know him his channels based on proving god

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

how is he an atheist. Hes making good arguments saying god exist

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

did he say hes an atheist. He might be jewish. And if he was an atheist why would he defend Christianity. And how do u know the recording of hell is fake

 

[From Edward's Channel Page: "My religion videos are comedies. I am not a Christian. I try to challenge people to question their assumptions and culture-borne beliefs so that collectively, we may move toward more intellectually advanced ways of contemplating the world."]

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

how is there evidence. by a guy in like made a little book. Well Guess what theres a big book that is wright. I mean even science proved some things in the bible

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

im sorry you thnk that a burs of energy came out of nowhere. And that we came from apes. Well guess what science has proven things in the bile. and why did they find a early Hebrew word saying god. Ad guess what they think it was part of the ten commandments

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

how come they found a early hebrew word that said god. And they might think it was part of the ten commandment. The ymight have also found the ten comandments

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

in the bible it says the earth was a fiery rock and so does science. Also how could all that fire just disspear. And early Hebrew could not have been copied. so how do you know the ten commandments. and also the heaven streching is the big bang theory. THe so called atheist said that [Edward again]

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

im so annoyed by u atheist im just trying to help . by the way someone went to hell and back and said u must know god

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

there actually was one for someone in 99 minutes in heaven

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

there was witnesses and he was pronounced dead on the site and was revived br prayer

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

wat would they gane. There was a police officer there . There was a news report so many peopleconfirmed he died and guess wat right after he prayed for him to come back to life he did so u cant say thats not proof. amd its happen to someny people. Wat would they gane they would have said that othing happend

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

then why right after someone prayed for him and also he got hit by a 18 wheeler. And pronounced dead and if the heart would have just stopped he would have died after 90 minutes

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

are u high. a police oficer was a witnessed. He was revived by prayers and he was hit by a 18 weeler so he couldnt just die for a little he dyed right away and went to heaven

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

yes there is evidence. Police report. eye witnessed,A book and a news report

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

what. Science thought the adam was the smallest thing. O and 20 years ago juring another swine flu break out. And the medicine they gave made swine flu. So science messes up reapdily

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

so does sciencee its proven wrong for so long. Try religioun

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

please try religioun. The bible ssuggestedthe world was round but science thought it was flat. Edward said that

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

then how come during a flood a stmary statue made out of glass survived even when the house collapsed it. It was on a disaster show.

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

how is that not a miracle. Its made out of glass. And how do u know someone who went to hell and back is fake

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

you know wats stupid science thinks we all started in water. then why when we go on line why didnt we die. We had to started out as humans not apes

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

we were made out of clay and that was adam. it doesnt make sence how we were in water.(were are my gills the. And why do people look the way they do

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

so let me get this strait. U dont believe that a man who went to heaven and back even though its a book and it was on the the news

 

sharpshootermatthew

 

did science create me. Did it create the world did it create the water. NO that was god. the guy was reported dead right away and revived by prayer not science

 

 

graysonmaura

 

all Christians should know that our faith is a real subject of envy for the non-believer! they will deny it as they deny everything else but it is true! you can almost tell they've all been to the same school of denial because they all talk the same drivel! "spaghetti monsters, magical beings" etc.! we have something they don't have! that's a fact.

 

graysonmaura

 

does science plan on developing cures for cancer, diabetes, arthritis, dementia, spina bifida, MS, ALS, hepatitis, RA, fibromyalgia, neuropathy, stenosis, liver disease, psoriasis, allergies, lupus, cerebral palsy, gout, macular degeneration, emphysema,............or the common cold for that matter? personally i think that's where all their efforts should be directed. but no! they spend as much energy to create global warming fears and to discredit the Bible and Christianity! make sense??

 

graysonmaura [Note: This is a person who by their own admission believes in the 'Global Flood']

 

we've got global warming proponents out there (many of whom are scientists) who have made preposterous claims! NBC's Meredith Viera once said that global warming could cause the oceans to rise.....are you ready for this....200 feet! what yoyo did she get THAT from? tehetehe! bodies of water the size of the OCEANS could rise 200 FEET?????

 

if you are telling me that YOU believe that the oceans could rise 200 feet i have to believe it's YOU who are delusional! the fact is that AL GORE has been talking for years about the oceans rising 20 feet but somehow the ante got raised by SOMEONE another 180 feet. it's unimaginable by any standards you want to speak of! and there is absolutely NO "argument" regarding JESUS! i believe he lived, died, and resurrected, and you don't. that's all there is to it!

 

graysonmaura

 

"Christians have to prove they are correct".......to whom?..............and for what?......i believe the Gospels and you don't. good grief you don't even believe that a 200 foot rise in the OCEANS is about as improbable as the BIG BANG! what are you talking about PROVING what?? prove to me that most of the people putting these atheist videos together are guys who had their hats thrown out the school bus windows too many times!

 

graysonmaura

 

"science" claims the Big Bang took place 14 BILLION years ago! Yiiiiiiiikkkkkkeeesss! "science" has no more idea what 14 BILLION means than OBAMA does! and these rational, logical, evidence seekers buy this kind of garbage lock, stock, and barrel! it's hilarious! 14 BILLION is..now get this..14 THOUSAND MILLION! is someone going to tell me that some drunk like Christopher Hitchens understands that #! tehe!

 

"you don't understand big #'s so no one else must be able to either"! it's a FACT, my friend, that #'s like that are not understood at all. do you think the political geniuses who have spent us into oblivion have the slightest clue what a TRILLION is? how could they? what do they have as a point of reference? you speak of science with such reverence that you think that one with a science degree has a better understanding of billions and trillions than anyone else? on the basis of WHAT?

 

 

uliksus

 

You are wrong. Actualy we are still runing and hideing form our mistake. Dont you see our history is discasting (on the sience way same as spirtual way) shell i start from torchering people couse we culd not understand them (meny of them are saints now, like Jesus) or slaving people and sacrificing whole world in serching for power.

 

Actualy we are still runing and hideing form our mistake whit hoppe our god will forgive as. Enyway i think that is not so shamefull couse we are not yet Humans

 

 

JamsterGoliath

 

The geologists know their field does not prove evolution, but hope that the biologists and geneticists have proven it. Those who do know the facts, fear to disclose them to the general public, lest they be fired. But they do write articles in their own professional journals and books, condemning evolutionary theory.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

Most scientists are working in very narrow fields; they do not see the overall picture, and assume, even though their field does not prove evolution, that perhaps other areas of science probably vindicate it. They are well-meaning men. The biologists and geneticists know their facts, and research does not prove evolution, but assume that geology does.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

In fact I challenge you all to read this site. Top-flight scientists have something to tell you about evolution. Such statements will never be found in the popular magazines, alongside gorgeous paintings of ape-man and Big Bangs and solemn pronouncements about millions of years for this rock and that fish. Instead they are generally reserved only for professional books and journals.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

An astounding amount of scientific evidence disproving evolutionary theory has been uncovered. Here is part of that evidence. The evidence is clear. Share it with others so they can know the truth also. The error that everything made itself and is accountable only to itself—instills doubt, ruins morals, and devastates lives. Ok if you call me names you should know better, you should be maturer & wiser at talking. You won't make me hate you. please read pathlights creation-evolution.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

atheists, theists are just words created by humans. As a human being. All of you as a person who are intelligent. Try to research, question your origin. DO not just trust evolution as answer. There are scientists who now have the same beliefs & factor in everything with evidence & facts from archeology. Even the disclosure witnesses, even the movies industry is teaching you something that is religious or more spiritually mature. Its not religion its truth whether you love scifi movies or not.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

I know you don't agree with me & I can at least try & point you in the right direction. Trust me only death is at the end your road. On the day of salvation Jesus will not accept any of you. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You will not get a chance to live in an eternal paradise where all negative energies are gone. Get it. You won't die, you won't get old, sick, diseased, everything will be cleansed again. There will be no more hurt, pain & suffering that people have to go through in this world.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

Research project camelot, research disclosure project. This isn't a disclosure on real aliens form another planet. It's worse. They were here before us. All the directors have been geting their information from good sources & by slowly revealing truths in all SCI FI & horror movies you have ever watched over the years. Bob dean & others are proving movie industry as truth & is literally in front of your eyes. We need to mature or grow up spiritually. We are still in adolesence.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

Ok so there are a lot of us who are being led on the wrong path to a worse perverse society more so in the future. Things will get worse. Trust me the economy is nothing yet. You are like puppets being manipulated & conditioned with rubbish everyday. If you all continue living your life as though nothing is wrong. When the armageddon arrives like you see in numbers & all the other scifi movies who are trying to teach you something. Try carry on ignoring it. DO research & find out the truth.

 

[There was more from this guy, but like many Christians I debate on Youtube, the comments are mysteriously 'removed by author'. Sharpshootermatthew has a bunch of those as well. Graysonmura has an odd pride about his insanity, and appears to be just fucking crazy.

 

Anyway. Those are my submissions. Feel free to add more, or just make fun of these idiots. I know I had fun doing it.]

[Skepticaldude541]

Contra, It's hard to believe someone as stupid as "sharpshootermatthew" figured out how to use the internet.

 

 

Here's some not so subtle religious bullshit pushed at me:

[On Facebook, a family member suggested I post something I'm thankful for]

 

Me: I'm thankful for Pythagoras, the ancient Greek mathematician.

 

Christian: That is funny Marcus. Now there is a good example of trusting the maker! I can not even imagine the mind of the creator of the Pythagoran Theroy. I say "why"? Thought to ponder for the day ;0)

 

*face palm* You fail analogy class.

 

A couple hilarious quotes from FSTDT:

 

"No, God's Penis is not a biological organ. I never said God's Penis was the same as man's penis. Obviously it wouldn't be. That is why I pointed out God has a Holy, Righteous Penis. That is to say, it's not the same as man's corrupted, fleshy one.

 

As I said when this subject first came up, once again: Penises are not just for sex & peeing. It is only because man is evil that he thinks of penises exclusively in those terms.

 

Man is made in the image of God the Father. That is the primary reason why man has a penis.

 

You cannot insert your evil prejudicial ideas of man's penis onto God - which is exactly what you are doing. God's Penis is not equal to man's penis. It's really not hard to understand." - Navaros

 

"The first five books are theirs? [The Jews] Um, no. Moses was a Christian. Sorry." - prosperousindividual

 

And some things from people I know on Facebook:

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"Today I am thankful that God's abilities are not limited by what we perceive as our own inabilities."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

[Teen girl who frequently comments about having parental issues says she has the "worst life ever"]

 

"I will be praying for you. You do not have the worst life, because you have Jesus who loves you more than you can ever know." (That was from the church youth leader, because praying is better than actually doing something. )

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

[i posted this quote: "Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has; it never comes to the aid of spiritual things, but -- more frequently than not -- struggles against the divine Word, treating with contempt all that emanates from God." -- Martin Luther]

 

Christian says: "That is so true! Rom 11:33 O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out! Faith for sure."

 

I simply replied, "lol!"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

I'm sure I can find more if I search hard enough.

[qec]

WooooooooooWWWWWW Contra, this is top notch shit man, top notch!!!!

 

Research project camelot, research disclosure project. This isn't a disclosure on real aliens form another planet. It's worse. They were here before us. All the directors have been geting their information from good sources & by slowly revealing truths in all SCI FI & horror movies you have ever watched over the years. Bob dean & others are proving movie industry as truth & is literally in front of your eyes. We need to mature or grow up spiritually. We are still in adolesence.

 

JamsterGoliath

 

 

ZOMGROFLLMAO!!!

[Karhoof]

Some things I've had said to me were,

 

"Everything in the bible can be proven by someone with enough knowlege of scripture and science."

 

"He's arguing you by quoting from the bible! He's the DEVIL!!!!!!!"

 

And a personal fave,

"The bible is the oldest book known to man!"

 

[Loren]

One of my all-time favorites, from a Christian radio show where a panel of "scholars" was discussing evolution:

 

"Why, anyone with half a brain would agree with me!"

 

I was driving at the time I heard it and I don't know how I managed to keep the car on the road.

[Jedah]

I have pretty much seen it all, but there is one argument I occasionally hear that just beats all in terms of FAIL. It is an argument in response to the common anti fundy question: "how does hell for nonbelief coincide with an all just god?", one of the basic and yet most crucial issues with the problem of evil.

 

 

And here it is:

 

"Everyone knows that Jesus is real and that the bible is true! People only go to hell if they want to go there. They want to be evil and reject Jesus and join Satan! It's the only reason anyone could possibly have for not being a christian."

 

That's it. There are thousands of stupid arguments out there...but this one stands above the rest and just makes me facepalm every single time without fail. Shit like this makes me no longer want to even call myself human lest I associate myself with those who are boneheaded enough to say something so ignorant. The extent to which some people can stick their head up their own ass is just amazing.

 

 

This is also one of the few arguments an idiot can make that will make me instantly shift into troll mode ( troll mode is when I am no longer debating seriously, and instead opt to sarcastically make fun of them. I do this because while there is no point in arguing with an idiot it's damn hilarious to troll an idiot. ) normally I have a 3 strikes policy when I go to christian forums. A christian must use the same fallacious argument three times after having it debunked twice and I will then start trolling. Not this one. If the "Everyone secretly agree's with me!" line is said I just troll from there on out. Trying to hold a healthy debate with someone who thinks they know everything is a lost cause.

[thefriendlyghost]

Wait- God PEES??? Why, that changes EVERYTHING!!!

[Vixentrox]

Have you heard of the sire Fundies Say the Darndest Things?

 

http://www.fstdt.com/QuoteArchives.aspx?Archive=1

[thefriendlyghost]

Vixentrox, thanks for giving me a good case of the lulz this morning. Hypocrisy at its finest: "Isn't it ironic that liberals support abortion but then turn around and call SOLDIERS "baby killers"?

 

Answer : Oh MY GOD...You SLAMMED the nail right on the head with THAT comment my friend. I agree 100%. We can identify that a fetus has certain genetic disorders such as Down's Syndrome before the baby is born. Too bad we can't identify Radical Liberals and Pro-Death Feminist using the same testing. Think of the problems we could eliminate from society by just engineering a better "gene pool"." Wow, I can feel the christlike love and compassion just-a pourin' out of my computer!!

[Shyone]

Wait- God PEES??? Why, that changes EVERYTHING!!!

That's where rain comes from. You don't want to know where wind really comes from.

[Snakefoot]

Any idiot who believes that recording is of hell, needs to have the stupid knocked out of them. How gullible can a person GET?

 

I think I'm going to go make a recording of harps and lilting cherubic giggles and tell people it's a recording of heaven.

 

The sad fact is that there is some moron out there who would believe it.

 

Do it! Make like you were involved with the SpaceShipOne project and that it penetrated the outer firmament (the existence of which has been kept hush-hush by the scientific community for years, and why no other private space flights have been permitted since). Beyond the firmament, they saw this beautiful, cloudy place so bright that the video cameras would not work, but they were able to make an audio recording.

 

Sprinkle in a few details about ethereal beings glimpsed against the brightness (the glory of gawd, don't-cha-know) and you have a fundy trap par excellence.

[agnosticator]

Wait- God PEES??? Why, that changes EVERYTHING!!!

That's where rain comes from. You don't want to know where wind really comes from.

 

But I thought God's shit don't stank!

[Mriana]

Here's one I heard recently: "Dogma is grace." Right. Whatever! I swear some Xians come up with the most uneducated definitions. That's not even in the dictionary!

[Thurisaz]

I think I'm going to go make a recording of harps and lilting cherubic giggles and tell people it's a recording of heaven.

 

The sad fact is that there is some moron out there who would believe it.

 

You know, I thought about similar things quite a few times. Yes, braindead as they are, they will believe it.

 

I wonder though whether one could use some of this saaataaanic science to make them look like the morons they are once more. You know what steganography is? How about one uses modern stegano software to hide a text message in such a fake audio file, saying "this is a fake, made to demonstrate how fucking dumb morontheists are"?

 

Surely gaaaawd wouldn't allow such a message to accidentally exist in a real recording of heaven...

[Shyone]

I think I'm going to go make a recording of harps and lilting cherubic giggles and tell people it's a recording of heaven.

 

The sad fact is that there is some moron out there who would believe it.

 

You know, I thought about similar things quite a few times. Yes, braindead as they are, they will believe it.

 

I wonder though whether one could use some of this saaataaanic science to make them look like the morons they are once more. You know what steganography is? How about one uses modern stegano software to hide a text message in such a fake audio file, saying "this is a fake, made to demonstrate how fucking dumb morontheists are"?

 

Surely gaaaawd wouldn't allow such a message to accidentally exist in a real recording of heaven...

It wouldn't work. The recording would be modified, format changed, or otherwise altered which would destroy the steganographic information. Only if it were published unaltered would the information be intact. A radio broadcast, for example, would ruin it.

 

Your original recording with the stego in it would then be called the fake.

[godlessgrrl]

When considering the stupid things Xians say, I'm struck most often by some of the little cliche's and sound bytes a lot of them use when talking about their religion. (I'm half ashamed to admit that I've used some of them myself.) Things like:

 

It's not a religion, it's a relationship.

God said it, I believe it, that settles it.

Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

 

I also find much stupid in Christianese™ in general, and in convoluted apologetics, especially the kind of apologetics where a Christian bends over backwards to explain why the Bible doesn't actually say what is clearly printed on its pages.

[Deva]

Saw it on a bumper sticker today "Keep the Christ in Christmas".

[Snakefoot]

Saw it on a bumper sticker today "Keep the Christ in Christmas".

 

A woman in a church I once attended refused to accept anything (receipts, telephone bills, etc.) bearing numbers with more than two consecutive 6's. She had her phone number changed because of this, and stated: "It even makes me uneasy if a number associated with me has two sixes in it. I don't want to give the devil any kind of toehold."

[oddbird1963]

My father-in-law once said about dinosaur fossils: "I think Satan put them in the ground just to fool scientists! [look of shock and disbelief from me] He could do it! Nothing says he can't!"

 

I heard him say this while I was still a christian and I still couldn't believe my ears.

[bdp]

Any idiot who believes that recording is of hell, needs to have the stupid knocked out of them. How gullible can a person GET?

 

I think I'm going to go make a recording of harps and lilting cherubic giggles and tell people it's a recording of heaven.

 

The sad fact is that there is some moron out there who would believe it.

 

Make sure you put it on CD and sell it - you know you'd make a fortune.

[Thurisaz]

Your original recording with the stego in it would then be called the fake.

 

That's a no-brainer... we all know that morontheists will call everything a fake (of whatever kind) if it supports reality instead of their cult.

 

About format change, yup, that would be a problem. Although I bet at least some morontheists would be sufficiently dumb to propagate the thing unchanged, in original format. And "gotcha" we could shout

 

(Of course they wouldn't care)

[Thegodthatfailed]

How about this one I heard from a local newscast from a woman who had

2 or maybe up to 6 kids(can't remember it was awhile ago):

"I don't know how people ever raised children without Christ."

[Snakefoot]

A woman in a church I once attended refused to accept anything (receipts, telephone bills, etc.) bearing numbers with more than two consecutive 6's. She had her phone number changed because of this, and stated: "It even makes me uneasy if a number associated with me has two sixes in it. I don't want to give the devil any kind of toehold."

 

 

My debit card ends in three 6's

 

Unclean!

[Thurisaz]

A woman in a church I once attended refused to accept anything (receipts, telephone bills, etc.) bearing numbers with more than two consecutive 6's. She had her phone number changed because of this, and stated: "It even makes me uneasy if a number associated with me has two sixes in it. I don't want to give the devil any kind of toehold."

 

 

My debit card ends in three 6's

 

Back when I worked for a christian organization around 1999/2000, I met one official in the local cocklick church whose cell phone number ended in 666. After I jokingly asked him about it, he just grinned and announced "well my girlfriends' number ends just the same".

 

 

 

[godlessgrrl]

Ooh, I have another one: when a believer thinks the quote "The Devil can cite Scripture for his purpose" is actually in the Bible.

 

It's not - it's from Shakespeare:

 

ANTONIO: Mark you this, Bassanio,

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

An evil soul producing holy witness

Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,

A goodly apple rotten at the heart:

O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!

 

Merchant O'Venice, that. Act I, Scene iii.

 

Sounds like it describes some godly people many of us have known, don't it.