I Don't Think I Can Leave...

[Guest Stillhazy]

I have been questioning things for a year of so and just had a sort of moment of clarity earlier this month. I've been a born-again Christian for 20 years, I'm married with children. My husband and I are extremely involved at church, although I've backed off alot after some difficulties with some leadership. We're currently "working that through". All of his family, and all of our friends are christians. I can't even voice my questions or concerns. He is a loving man, but close-minded. I just can't see ever being able to leave Christianity unless I'm ready to leave my husband. He would make my life unbearable. There would probably be some sort of intervention. I'm just not strong enough for that.

[Grandpa Harley]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

[Sophronia]

Yet here you are...

 

and that says something too.

 

In any event, greetings!

[Vigile]

You have plenty of shoulders to lean on and ears to bend here SH. Your's is a tough situation and I don't envy you. Do what you feel you have to do and come here and let off some steam now and then if that will help.

[Sophronia]

Just to play devil's advocate - no pun intended, honestly - I feel I should say this:

 

What about your kids?

 

If you really do feel that Christianity is wrong, don't you owe it to them to make some kind of change? If nothing else, at least to let them know that there is an alternative?

 

Just a thought.

[Japedo]

I have been questioning things for a year of so and just had a sort of moment of clarity earlier this month. I've been a born-again Christian for 20 years, I'm married with children. My husband and I are extremely involved at church, although I've backed off alot after some difficulties with some leadership. We're currently "working that through". All of his family, and all of our friends are christians. I can't even voice my questions or concerns. He is a loving man, but close-minded. I just can't see ever being able to leave Christianity unless I'm ready to leave my husband. He would make my life unbearable. There would probably be some sort of intervention. I'm just not strong enough for that.

 

Wow, what a very hard situation! Some advice take it for what it's worth..

 

1) Is there a small vacation you could take away from the situation to get your head straight? A week, two weeks? Think, cry, search, look for answers without the pressure of walking on eggshells? If you are able to swing this you should do it.

 

2) You need to find your own answers in life, no one can tell you them, people can give their opinions but ultimately the search is yours, we are here if you need to shoot off some questions and so forth.

 

3) You 'believing' because you feel like your marriage will fail is an emotional gun to the head. How long do you wish to put yourself through that emotional turmoil? Maybe you can ask for a break from the church functions, tell him you need to find out if this is the right church and you need to work on your personal walk right now. He should be understanding and then you can be honest at the same time get the break.

 

 

I wish you much luck on your very hard situation. Welcome to Ex-C!!!

[Guest Stillhazy]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

 

 

That's a bit harsh, don't you think? My showing any questions concerning my belief is very scary for me and I would imagine it would be threatening to him. This has been our way of life for years. We've based our lives on "knowing" that this is the only way.

 

 

Yet here you are...

 

and that says something too.

 

In any event, greetings!

 

Thank you. I need to realize that I'm just beginning this journey.

 

You have plenty of shoulders to lean on and ears to bend here SH. Your's is a tough situation and I don't envy you. Do what you feel you have to do and come here and let off some steam now and then if that will help.

 

That means so much to me. I need to slow down and do this carefully. It's not all about me. I have a family to think about. I have been teaching my children to be Christians their whole lives. I can't imagine what it would be like for them if all of a sudden I'm not a believer- they have been taught that anyone who doesn't accept Jesus as Lord will not go to heaven. I think I have to slowly bring myself out of it and maybe I can expose the kids to it less and less. I'm already trying to help them be more open-minded and loving of all people.

 

 

 

Wow, what a very hard situation! Some advice take it for what it's worth..

 

1) Is there a small vacation you could take away from the situation to get your head straight? A week, two weeks? Think, cry, search, look for answers without the pressure of walking on eggshells? If you are able to swing this you should do it.

 

2) You need to find your own answers in life, no one can tell you them, people can give their opinions but ultimately the search is yours, we are here if you need to shoot off some questions and so forth.

 

3) You 'believing' because you feel like your marriage will fail is an emotional gun to the head. How long do you wish to put yourself through that emotional turmoil? Maybe you can ask for a break from the church functions, tell him you need to find out if this is the right church and you need to work on your personal walk right now. He should be understanding and then you can be honest at the same time get the break.

 

 

I wish you much luck on your very hard situation. Welcome to Ex-C!!!

 

Thank you, Japedo. Actually I have to go out of town to see family (my own, so there's no pressure) next month. I have cut out all church activities other than Sunday morning, but the service feels like it's 4 hours long!! I'm exhausted afterwards. I'm going to start "skipping" every once in a while until it becomes easier to not go. There's so much turmoil for me there right now that my husband understands my not wanting to go. I was mistreated by some of the leadership and we're going to meet with them some more within the next couple of weeks. BTW, I wasn't the only one treated badly.

 

I would never tell anyone to stay or go, because it is more complicated than that. When you have a husband, kids and have built your entire social network around church and christianity, leaving is very complicated. Take the time you need to really figure out what you want to do and don't say anything until you are really really ready to commit to a course of action.

 

I think you put it perfectly. I have to be strong, healthy, and confident in my beliefs (or disbeliefs) before I speak up. I think that's what my journey is right now. It's strange. I'm completely terrified, and so relieved and excited at the same time. Now I get to be the real me. Not jumping on any bandwaggon, not cowering down. Truly thinking for myself and trusting my own judgement and intuition! I can't tell you what that means to me.

[Vigile]

I think you are taking the right route for yourself here Stillhazy. It takes time to not only come to terms with what you believe, but to weigh the potential fall out that goes along with it for someone in your situation. I wouldn't even bring up the subject at this time. It's just too much, too fast. When you are ready you will know.

 

Perhaps you can get away with attending services less or not at all just due to the fact that you were hurt there. Maybe your family will reason that it's a people issue and not a spiritual one and give you some room to yourself as a result. Just a thought. You are the one that is there on the ground and you can read your family and friends much easier and better than we can.

 

In the mean time, I'd only bring up the issue of how you feel now when you want to. If you never get to that point, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

Best of luck. Just so you know, I find your story touching and I really do wish the best for you and your family.

[Sophronia]

it is true also, that one nice thing about not Believing the christian paradigm, is that we no longer need feel obliged to share our beliefs. unless we have a good reason that serves us.

[GraphicsGuy]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

That's a bit harsh, don't you think? My showing any questions concerning my belief is very scary for me and I would imagine it would be threatening to him. This has been our way of life for years. We've based our lives on "knowing" that this is the only way.

 

Welcome...

 

 

***shoves fist down own throat***

[Grandpa Harley]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

That's a bit harsh, don't you think? My showing any questions concerning my belief is very scary for me and I would imagine it would be threatening to him. This has been our way of life for years. We've based our lives on "knowing" that this is the only way.

 

Difficult questions usually are. The fact you fear something that would be classed as common assault over here in the free world says a lot...

[upstarter]

I know it's hard to imagine at this point, but there are people here who have been just where you are. You've come to the right place. People here will hold you up through this, as much as we are able.

 

Cherish that sense of elation and freedom that is lurking behind the fear. It will help.

 

Heather

[Sophronia]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

That's a bit harsh, don't you think? My showing any questions concerning my belief is very scary for me and I would imagine it would be threatening to him. This has been our way of life for years. We've based our lives on "knowing" that this is the only way.

 

Difficult questions usually are. The fact you fear something that would be classed as common assault over here in the free world says a lot...

 

Blech. I guess I'll have to come out and ask the Awkward question (you know there are several ways to go, ForWards, BackWards, EdWards, and AwkWards).

 

Are you concerned that your husband will become physically violent if you reveal your feelings about the Faith issue?

[Kenny]

I have been questioning things for a year of so and just had a sort of moment of clarity earlier this month. I've been a born-again Christian for 20 years, I'm married with children. My husband and I are extremely involved at church, although I've backed off alot after some difficulties with some leadership. We're currently "working that through". All of his family, and all of our friends are christians. I can't even voice my questions or concerns. He is a loving man, but close-minded. I just can't see ever being able to leave Christianity unless I'm ready to leave my husband. He would make my life unbearable. There would probably be some sort of intervention. I'm just not strong enough for that.

 

I'm in an exremely similar postion. I have a couple of questions and, in turn, I'll tell you what's working for me...

 

Is your relationship with your husband good? If it is, you two can work through his faith and your lack of it. So far, my wife and I are living proof of it. I don't hate the church or Christianity. It's just not for me. The people piss me off, but I could attend church with my wife indefinitely. It's simply a place to go - she likes to go, I get paid to go. She knows I don't believe (but hopes it's just a phase) and she loves me anyway. I know her faith because I shared it at one time and I'd never try to take that away from her.

 

Is it THAT important to you to leave the church? Like you, the vast majority of my family and friends are Christians. A few of them know of my unbelief and are still friends. I can separate myself from the message and still enjoy the fellowship. I don't get into religious discussions and no one seems to question my participation. I am currently teaching a Sunday school class, but the subject matter I'm teaching is of a moral importance rather than religions, so I don't have to facilitate deep religious discussion or pray. My time on that platform is drawing to an end and I can withstand it. My children love it there and I don't have any qualms about their belief system - they're good kids - and they're not fanatical about Christianity. At this stage in their lives, I feel they benefit from the church environment and they have a lot of friends and fun. The time is simply not right for me to announce my loss of faith and belief and I can live with that. In time, I will have to be upfront with them, but it would be more destructive for me to speak right now than the benefit would be worth. I can survive. Can you? Is there a sense of urgency in leaving or would staying be better for you and your family right now? If participating in church is causing your stomach to knot up and for your teeth to grit... well, only you know that. I don't view Christianity as "dangerous" like some here - I see it more as a foolish waste of time (yes, even my own as I continue to participate), but I have my beliefs and as far as attendance of services, I can chew up the meat and spit out the fat. My advice would be not to rush to any actions until you weigh out what you can live with and what you can't. And again, only you know that.

 

In my experience, I know that if I make the official break, there will be significant repercussions. In the church, that fact doesn't really concern me because people will act in both a natural manner (when someone runs counter to the grain) and in accordance with their "training". I could deal with that and have imagined many different scenarios in regards to that. I believe an official and public statement of unbelief would bring a great deal of stress to my marriage and would hurt and confuse my teenaged kids a great deal. I'm simply not willing to do that. When they are on their own, I know the shock and the trauma of such knowledge would be much easier to understand and deal with. I believe it would, even in the future, stress my relationship with my wife, but with years of knowledge about my beliefs, I think we could survive as a couple.

 

Only you know your circumstances. What works for me may not work for you or anyone else on the forums. I'm comfortable with how things are going and yes, some things make me grit my teeth and some things make me want to laugh out loud in church services. But I can live with it. I know how I feel and how I believe and on a personal level, I'm much happier with my internal workings than I ever was being Bible believing Christian.

 

Best of luck to you. This is a great place to vent and express feelings that you probably can't voice in your real life. There's lots of support and encouragement. I hope you find a way to work your situation in a way that makes you happy and helps you to interact with your friends and family at the same time.

[hereticzero]

My wife was an avid Pentacostal, 'rabid' may be closer to the truth and I did not know how she would take it when I told her I did not have it in me to keep pretending to believe Christianity. She thought things over and came around on her own. I did not give her any ultimatums and she never gave me any. We have always talked things through but religion and politics are two subjects that seem to have the most disagreement. You won't find out anything if you don't talk to him.

[Grandpa Harley]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

That's a bit harsh, don't you think? My showing any questions concerning my belief is very scary for me and I would imagine it would be threatening to him. This has been our way of life for years. We've based our lives on "knowing" that this is the only way.

 

Difficult questions usually are. The fact you fear something that would be classed as common assault over here in the free world says a lot...

 

Blech. I guess I'll have to come out and ask the Awkward question (you know there are several ways to go, ForWards, BackWards, EdWards, and AwkWards).

 

Are you concerned that your husband will become physically violent if you reveal your feelings about the Faith issue?

 

Interventions can be ugly... from what I've seen and been told kidnapping and a thrashing are not uncommon...

[GraphicsGuy]

You won't find out anything if you don't talk to him.

 

Depends if there's already an established pattern of behavior or not. I KNEW my wife would blow a gasket. I tried to hide it, but it just came out - I couldn't hold it. She yelled at me for a while, we split.

[Sophronia]

Does he actually love YOU if he'd do that to you, or just his imaginary friend Jesus?

That's a bit harsh, don't you think? My showing any questions concerning my belief is very scary for me and I would imagine it would be threatening to him. This has been our way of life for years. We've based our lives on "knowing" that this is the only way.

 

Difficult questions usually are. The fact you fear something that would be classed as common assault over here in the free world says a lot...

 

Blech. I guess I'll have to come out and ask the Awkward question (you know there are several ways to go, ForWards, BackWards, EdWards, and AwkWards).

 

Are you concerned that your husband will become physically violent if you reveal your feelings about the Faith issue?

 

Interventions can be ugly... from what I've seen and been told kidnapping and a thrashing are not uncommon...

 

If such is the case, Philosophical/Religious dilemmas should be the least of her concern. The primary concern in such a case would be 1. Physical Survival, and 2. Removal Of Self From Vicinity Of Abusive Personality (in other words, 1. don't get hurt, and 2. get the hell out).

 

I'm hoping that physical violence is not an issue here... but when I hear that people are afraid to be honest about their spiritual beliefs because someone feels "threatened", that might be a danger sign.

 

In any event I hope not to offend... just trying to figure out what the issues really are.

[Grandpa Harley]

Tough questions are never nice.

[Guest Stillhazy]

I am not offended at all. These are things that need to be thought of. There is absolutely no danger of physical abuse. I will say that there is a kind of "don't upset Dad" feel about this house. Not that he's going to hurt someone- that would NEVER happen. It's that he would be moody and difficult to be around. Believe me, I don't condone it. I think Kenny's situation might be what mine will come to until the kids get older and more time goes by. I don't want their childhood to be full of the turmoil from their parents' fighting. Our church, friends, and family are generally a pretty good environment.

[Deva]

There is absolutely no danger of physical abuse. I will say that there is a kind of "don't upset Dad" feel about this house. Not that he's going to hurt someone- that would NEVER happen.

 

I am glad to hear that.

 

Of course we don't know your entire situation, but I think its safe to say we all feel for you and wish you the best. Still sorry to hear you are kind of walking on eggshells so that you don't have to deal with an unpleasant home life. Maybe you have to keep your beliefs under wraps for a while. At least you can come on here and vent. We are all in your corner.

[Sophronia]

There is absolutely no danger of physical abuse. I will say that there is a kind of "don't upset Dad" feel about this house. Not that he's going to hurt someone- that would NEVER happen.

 

I am glad to hear that.

 

Of course we don't know your entire situation, but I think its safe to say we all feel for you and wish you the best. Still sorry to hear you are kind of walking on eggshells so that you don't have to deal with an unpleasant home life. Maybe you have to keep your beliefs under wraps for a while. At least you can come on here and vent. We are all in your corner.

 

Would it be really tasteless to say "Amen"?

 

[MathGeek]

Thankfully, in some way, my wife and I don't have kids.

 

I could imagine the fallout if this had happened ten years from now.

[trashy]

I have been teaching my children to be Christians their whole lives. I can't imagine what it would be like for them if all of a sudden I'm not a believer- they have been taught that anyone who doesn't accept Jesus as Lord will not go to heaven.

 

But kids are resilient. They probably managed to get over the whole Santa Claus thing without any major trauma, right?

[Kuroikaze]

I have been questioning things for a year of so and just had a sort of moment of clarity earlier this month. I've been a born-again Christian for 20 years, I'm married with children. My husband and I are extremely involved at church, although I've backed off alot after some difficulties with some leadership. We're currently "working that through". All of his family, and all of our friends are christians. I can't even voice my questions or concerns. He is a loving man, but close-minded. I just can't see ever being able to leave Christianity unless I'm ready to leave my husband. He would make my life unbearable. There would probably be some sort of intervention. I'm just not strong enough for that.

 

I'm sorry for the situation you are in. In a way in this kind of situation I would almost wish for your sake that you could simply go back to believing without question, but I also know that it is impossible to do so. Once you have seen the problems in Christianity you can't go back.

 

I'm a bit concerned that your husband would stage an intervention, bringing other people into your personal business is a thoughtless idea, if he would really do such a thing then you are at least in a sort of psychological danger. Interventions are nothing more than brainwashing tactics, so be wary of that sort of thing. If anyone tries anything like that stay true to yourself and tell them it is none of their business.

 

If you really think that you will have to leave your husband in order to be true to yourself then I suggest that you make preparations for that, you may never have to go through with it, but you should prepare for it. Save some money, find a friend of family member who won't mind taking you in and cares more about you as a person than what religion you follow, so on and so forth. Like I said, be prepared for the worst, hopefully you'll be able to take your kids with you as well.