Rejected And Dejected

[woodsmoke]

Well, another bang-up weekend has nearly come and gone. I had hoped to get in touch with a girl I met in my dance class and hang out, maybe practice some; but she never called me back, and I'm afraid I "chased her off" with my thinly-veiled desperation.

 

Funny thing, that. Apparently women can smell it on a man, and it's up to us poor desperate saps to figure out how to mask it. 'Course, I've never been very good at pretending to be something I'm not, so I suppose it shouldn't surprise me when I wind up alone and depressed once again.

 

The class I met her in isn't helping any, either. I enjoy dancing, sure enough--on the rare occasion I can manage not to screw it up. I'm terrible at it, though, and my complete and utter lack of anything even vaguely resembling self-confidence isn't helping my case any. I took the class as a self-motivator, as a means to boost my self-confidence, but so far it's only served to make all the more glaringly obvious my inadequecies to the poor girls unfortunate enough to have me as a partner.

 

I started college in part to get me out of the house, to make friends and reintroduce myself to social living. So far, though, the only thing that's changed is the nature of the activities that make up my routine. Instead of spending hours and hours home alone playing vidoegames, I'm now spending hours and hours home alone doing homework. Hell, I have better "relationships" with my professors than with anyone my age, but that's nothing new. I've always been able to better relate to people twice my age while looking on hopelessly from the outside of associations between my peers.

 

I don't expect life to be easy, and I'm not going to make excuses for my shortcomings, I'm just getting thoroughly sick of being alone all the fucking time.

[Markkasan]

Maybe you can turn your insecurity into something in your favor. In dance class, try laughing off your mistakes, and turn them into jokes. When women see that you are laughing at yourself, it tells them that you are in control. That's really what they want, a fellow who is in control of himself.

At college, I'm assuming you live in a dorm. When you see people walking through the halls, say high and ask about this and that. Try to make small talk. Also, maybe you can join the newspaper, or the yearbook, or whatever. That way you'll meet like minded people who share your interests. I assure you that there are a lot of other people who aren't comfortable with others.

 

I highly recommend for you to read through some of the posts at the Tucker Max Forum. Over there they talk about how to boost your self confidence, about how to approach life in general, and how to talk to women. Moreover, read the Tucker Max Stories, which I assume you've heard of. They are hilarious, and more importantly they can give you inspiration.

 

It isn't easy to open yourself up to other people, and it will take time. But at the end, you'll never regret it.

 

BTW, a preemptive apology if I sound like Dr. Phil.

[chefranden]

Hey, I know --- go to church!

 

Just kidding.

 

I sort of did the same thing as you when I went to collage the first time. I chased after this girl and that one, getting more desparate. It took me awhile to notice that one girl was chasing after me. Ha!, I've been married to her for 33 years.

 

I say just keep your eyes open, and talk to every girl you can. The only way you'll learn to dance is to dance. The only way you'll get used to no is to collect all the nos you can. When the no no longer throwes you, you will no longer look desparate. As far as I've been able to tell girls are just people. Talk to them like you would a guy, only with less pirate words.

 

Never do your homework at home, Go to the coffee shop, cafeteria, library, computer lab, anywhere there are people. Out of sight out of mind you know.

[Celsus]

Yes, definitely watch the pirate words. From experience, women seem to not react well to:

 

 

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

 

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

 

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

 

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

 

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

 

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?

 

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

 

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

 

2. Well blow me down?

 

1. Prepare to be boarded.

[Jeydid]

Gee Bruce you mean women don't flock to men who say things like "Prepare to be boarded"?? What a shock.

 

Really, it sounds like you' have gotten some pretty good advice here. Speaking as I woman I will say that one of the things I have always found attractive in a man is confidence. If you don't have it, fake it. And keep telling yourself that you are a pretty damn cool guy. Eventually you will believe it, hell, it's already true.

[Groggen]

Man does this post bring back some college memories...

 

I'm afraid I "chased her off" with my thinly-veiled desperation.

 

Funny thing, that. Apparently women can smell it on a man, and it's up to us poor desperate saps to figure out how to mask it. 'Course, I've never been very good at pretending to be something I'm not

 

A friend of mine at work does really well when he interviews for promotions and transfers because he's so relaxed- in his words "because I just don't give a shit!" He must give a damn at some level, otherwise he wouldn't be interviewing, but you'd never guess that when you meet him.

 

Maybe try to cultivate that carefree attitude. Easier said than done I'm sure.

 

The class I met her in isn't helping any, either. I enjoy dancing, sure enough--on the rare occasion I can manage not to screw it up. I'm terrible at it, though, and my complete and utter lack of anything even vaguely resembling self-confidence isn't helping my case any. I took the class as a self-motivator, as a means to boost my self-confidence, but so far it's only served to make all the more glaringly obvious my inadequecies to the poor girls unfortunate enough to have me as a partner.

 

To meet more people try a bunch of different clubs, organizations, activities - anything that interests you. See if any of them would be a better fit than dance- would you feel comfortable enough there to be yourself.

[pandora]

I make friends at school by talking to people in my classes... like the academic classes. Pick out people who seem to have similar interests and just talk about class, etc. Ask if there is a study group. Don't worry about girls yet... just make guy friends for now. It takes time, and don't let those Christian groups suck you in! At my college, Campus Crusade for Christ literally sought out lonely freshman. Ugh. The first year of college is tough like that... but you'll adjust. Don't get too depressed about it. Get involved in the residence hall gatherings, even if you'll be a wallflower. There are plenty others out there like you.

[Everglaze]

I understand that whole "not being able to reach between peers" thing. It happens all the time with me too. I get along better with people older than me or even younger, but never the ones that are at my age or around my age. Loneliness is a major motivation to depression and discouragement, because I usually get the feeling that it just isn't worth it and I want to quit. I mean, I build up all the effort and barely hold a friendship, only to have it split a few months later. What's the point? I ask myself that all the time. Anyway, that's just me.

 

I think you should just play it normal and speak casually with the people you meet. Small talk is good. If you can humour people, that's also a big help.

[RankStranger]

Never do your homework at home, Go to the coffee shop, cafeteria, library, computer lab, anywhere there are people. Out of sight out of mind you know.

 

Damn good advice here. The harder a class is, the more likely that there's a study group... seek them out. Are you good at math? Lots of gals aren't...

[Purple]

As far as I've been able to tell girls are just people.

 

From the advice you've gotten, to me, as a woman, chefs is the best, and the above quote is really the truth. Trying to understand what "women" want may be immpossible, as soon as you think you've got something, some other women will want something completely different. Now confidance, it's not that its what women want, it just helps in anything. Being relaxed you speak more clearly, you make less mistakes (Like ni dance class), if you do make a bone head move, if you are relaxed you handle it better. That's why all the advice about going to club and things YOU like is good advice, and go to join the group, not to meet girls. Meeting girls, probably, just the thought makes you a little nervous. I bet there is a subject though that doesn't, be it a subject at school, or soemthign else, music, movies, hey I don't know what you're into. Also, next time you are out on campus really look around, you are probably missing the shy girls with you same interests, and even social awkwardness because they are hugging the walls, and looking at their toes.

[All Gods Fail]

And remember - the guys who get lots of dates are the guys who aren't afraid to ask!

 

My advice is don't let it turn into a big introspection of your faults or worries: it's really simple, like job hunting. You might have to ask out 15 girls before 1 of them says yes. It's really just the law of averages.

 

I suspect there's nothing 'wrong' with you, you just need to get out and do it. After the first rejection, it gets easier. After awhile, you won't think anything of going up to a likely little cutey and asking her out for coffee.

[Kurari]

I don't expect life to be easy, and I'm not going to make excuses for my shortcomings, I'm just getting thoroughly sick of being alone all the fucking time.

 

Then why are you putting up with it?

 

Seriously, coming from somebody who was the "weird" kid growing up with no friends to doing a complete 180 and having a full calender and friend pool, the really hard thing I had to figure out was I was responsible for everything in my life. If I was miserable that was something under my control and up to me to fix.

 

People kept encouraging me to go join new groups and stuff too. This in itself really is a good idea, but I sort of noticed it never really cured the fact I was an awkward dweeb. I just ended up dragging my stigmatized butt around to new events and showing it off repeatedly to new people, who would act predictably and try not to hang around me, and it never really changed any of the patterns in my life.

 

So. Good news in all of this is all fixable. If you want to be somebody you could admire, think about what makes people admirable to you. I'm betting one of those things is confidence, and the trick to creating confidence is the following:

 

1.) Think about your good qualities and immerse yourself in doing activities that make you happy. If you notice yourself feeling good, make a mental note and revel in it. If you do anything in life, do it because you like doing it, not to impress someone.

 

2.) Practice detachement from your faults and look at them as puzzles to solve. Stop using your self worth as a balancer in your judgement of what goes on in your world. Your self esteem has no market value to anybody else but yourself so hoarde it. You waste it like sand from a seive if you keep using it as the guide for events going on in your life, so use your objectivity as the counterweight instead.

 

Let's use the girl you think you chased off as an example. It's really pointless to think she took off because you think you're a loser. The only one who's really cares if you're a loser or not is yourself and why do you want to feel like a loser? Of course you don't want to feel that way, but you need to understand that you can control how you feel.

 

Instead, think of it objectively. She didn't call you back. Could be because you gave her the creeps, but you're not gonna know unless you talk to her again, right? Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was sick. Maybe she just didn't feel like dancing this weekend. Or yeah, maybe she does think you're a loser in which case why do you want to dance with that anyway? Her behaviour does not generate and it doesn't need to impact your self worth.

 

And how about dancing. You think you suck at it. You might be actually be better or worse than you think, but it doesn't matter anway because you're more worried about whether you are looking stupid instead of having fun with the groove. In which case, you're wasting your money taking it. Do you even like dancing or are you going there to try to meet girls? If you genuinely like dancing, then you're pushing away all the fun you COULD be having with it.

 

I know it all sounds easier said than done, and that's true. It's probably going to take you years of practice, but it's worth it. There really isn't anything else in this world living for other than your own happiness, so making sure you have that should be your most important goal in your life. Don't give up, I know you can get there. I'm another person here who already thinks you're a pretty cool guy, so I know you can one day feel that way yourself.

[Amethyst]

I was a geek, so I made friends in college with all the geeks. (Still am a geek, which shouldn't come as a big surprise.) I joined the sci-fi movie club and the role-play gamers group. Met my ex-boyfriend there. Dated him for over a year. Also joined Starfleet when I was in college and met many of my current friends there.

 

Anyway, my point is, find something you actually have an interest in and join a club of that nature, then you'll meet other people who have the same interest.

 

There are also sites like meetup.com that have listings for local groups. I know that a local gamer's group in my area has one.

[woodsmoke]

Thanks, folks. I really appreciate the replies--especially Bruce's list. Despite what Chef said (and how sage it was), I may have to write some of those down for use as pick-up lines. They may never bring me any success, but can you imagine how awesome would have to be the girl to whom they actually appeal?

 

I also really need to learn to stop posting at night when I feel depressed. I know I'll feel better the next morning after a good night's rest, and I always do (though I was actually still feeling a bit down this morning, but after doing some homework and getting myself organized for the upcoming week I've a much more optimistic attitude).

 

Then again, if I did that, I wouldn't have all this great support and advice to tap into for when I rejoin the battle.

 

I've a few ideas, but I don't want to write anything down and get myself excited over some plan or other, being as those tend to fall apart within all of two seconds or less when given to application in the real world. Suffice to say (again) that I've managed to figure a few things out and am feeling a lot better, and that I'll be heading into SLC tomorrow on my motorcycle--probably cold, bitter, and cursing whatever imperceptible atmospheric shift created the breeze that could barely stir a leaf and yet somehow knocks my speed down by 10 mph or more--with somewhat higher hopes for the short-term success of my enjoyment of life this time around.

 

Edit: You know, if I didn't know better (namely, that such dramatic mood swings as this tend to be rather common among irrascible yougsters such as myself ), I'd swear sometimes I'm bipolar.

[Dianka]

Eh bipolar, we're all a little fucking nutz. Don't worry about that.

 

If you're still taking tips I'll offer mine.

 

Work with what you've got. You don't have to change who you are. And there are those chicks who find it flattering that someone gets nervous from talking to them. <there are also those rare weirdos who like neurotic/nervous eccentrics, but like i said it's pretty rare>

 

If you feel desperate, all you have to do is make her the center of your desperation. Maybe mellow it a little. It'll make her feel all special and stuff.

 

I'm not condoning date rape, so don't overdo it. But alcohol really takes the edge off...

[Bael]

A girlfriend of mine from college is in her late 30's, She is very pretty and has a great career and is financially successful. However she is the most frustrated person I know when it comes to relationships. She meets a guy, they date for a while. She complains about him. They stop seeing each other. One by one all of our friends have married except her. Yet she has so much to offer???? What is wrong? I honestly think the problem is very simple. I think that everyone could easily find a partner if they really want one. I know I finally settled on my husband because I was ready. (I was 37 when we married.) Why did it take me so long to meet someone? I was waiting around for Mr. Perfect!!!! My husband is NOT Mr. Perfect!!!! Yet time and time again I realize he is just about the best man I could ever hope for. He not the best looking guy or the smartest but he is a kind and loving man. Maybe you are expecting too much in a woman??? Maybe the girl that you ignore is really the one for you???? Have you ever wondered about dating someone based on friendship??? Am I making sense or just projecting my situation on something that has no relevance?

[Knightley]

Hey Mitch, kudos for you for taking the necessary steps. It just takes practice being comfortable and learning to talk to and socialize with the opposite sex. I have problems being shy around guys that I like, and then they end up thinking that I'm a snob 'cause I am so shy around them.

 

Frankly, I think its really cool that you are taking a chance and learning how to dance, so many guys don't do that. Hang in there, just be yourself, continue to do what you're doing, and keep trying with women. If a girl really likes you, she'll be patient, she'll understand that maybe you're not the best dancer or party guy, or whatever, and she'll like you for you. She'll appreciate the fact that you took the time to learn how to dance so that you two can dance together. Or well, that's my thinking anyway. Frankly the girls who ditch do you a favor, because if you want to be with someone in a relationship, you're better off with someone who doesn't run from the get-go.

 

Its why I like the concept of being friends first and dating later. That way you get to know the person and neither of you are bsing each other from the get-go as you would by dating, although still with friendships you get to see the person's virtues first and faults later.

 

A lot of people are in the same boat that you are, hell I'm in the same boat that you are, except that I'm a chick. Lately I'm learning to be okay with myself since I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. I realize that I might not meet the "right" guy, and I don't want to end up hating myself and my life if I don't. You know? Hang in there and don't give up.

=)

 

Well, another bang-up weekend has nearly come and gone. I had hoped to get in touch with a girl I met in my dance class and hang out, maybe practice some; but she never called me back, and I'm afraid I "chased her off" with my thinly-veiled desperation.

 

Funny thing, that. Apparently women can smell it on a man, and it's up to us poor desperate saps to figure out how to mask it. 'Course, I've never been very good at pretending to be something I'm not, so I suppose it shouldn't surprise me when I wind up alone and depressed once again.

 

The class I met her in isn't helping any, either. I enjoy dancing, sure enough--on the rare occasion I can manage not to screw it up. I'm terrible at it, though, and my complete and utter lack of anything even vaguely resembling self-confidence isn't helping my case any. I took the class as a self-motivator, as a means to boost my self-confidence, but so far it's only served to make all the more glaringly obvious my inadequecies to the poor girls unfortunate enough to have me as a partner.

 

I started college in part to get me out of the house, to make friends and reintroduce myself to social living. So far, though, the only thing that's changed is the nature of the activities that make up my routine. Instead of spending hours and hours home alone playing vidoegames, I'm now spending hours and hours home alone doing homework. Hell, I have better "relationships" with my professors than with anyone my age, but that's nothing new. I've always been able to better relate to people twice my age while looking on hopelessly from the outside of associations between my peers.

 

I don't expect life to be easy, and I'm not going to make excuses for my shortcomings, I'm just getting thoroughly sick of being alone all the fucking time.

[Legion]

Funny thing, that. Apparently women can smell it on a man, and it's up to us poor desperate saps to figure out how to mask it. 'Course, I've never been very good at pretending to be something I'm not, so I suppose it shouldn't surprise me when I wind up alone and depressed once again.

Woodsmoke I think that if you reacquainted yourself with the sacredness of life then you would be both less desperate and less likely to be alone for long. Women love men who love life.

[Celsus]

Woodsmoke, the key to success is to find a woman who likes sex, loves to clean and makes good money. Under no circumstances let these three women ever meet each other.

 

Seriously, all joking aside: Woodsmoke just live your life and eventually you will meet a woman, maybe that woman. She and you will hit it off. Remember, women are just people (mysterious and confusing to the normal male), but people none the less. Just be yourself and stop making meeting a woman the focus of your life. Unless you are in a hurry to have children, there is no huge rush.

[euphgeek]

Well, another bang-up weekend has nearly come and gone. I had hoped to get in touch with a girl I met in my dance class and hang out, maybe practice some; but she never called me back, and I'm afraid I "chased her off" with my thinly-veiled desperation.

 

Funny thing, that. Apparently women can smell it on a man, and it's up to us poor desperate saps to figure out how to mask it. 'Course, I've never been very good at pretending to be something I'm not, so I suppose it shouldn't surprise me when I wind up alone and depressed once again.

 

The class I met her in isn't helping any, either. I enjoy dancing, sure enough--on the rare occasion I can manage not to screw it up. I'm terrible at it, though, and my complete and utter lack of anything even vaguely resembling self-confidence isn't helping my case any. I took the class as a self-motivator, as a means to boost my self-confidence, but so far it's only served to make all the more glaringly obvious my inadequecies to the poor girls unfortunate enough to have me as a partner.

 

I started college in part to get me out of the house, to make friends and reintroduce myself to social living. So far, though, the only thing that's changed is the nature of the activities that make up my routine. Instead of spending hours and hours home alone playing vidoegames, I'm now spending hours and hours home alone doing homework. Hell, I have better "relationships" with my professors than with anyone my age, but that's nothing new. I've always been able to better relate to people twice my age while looking on hopelessly from the outside of associations between my peers.

 

I don't expect life to be easy, and I'm not going to make excuses for my shortcomings, I'm just getting thoroughly sick of being alone all the fucking time.

Woodsmoke, you sound like an AFC (Average Frustrated Chump). What you need to do is get into recovery and learn exactly what about your behavior is turning chicks off. I recommend you follow this link to the FastSeduction.com website and get a few pointers on how to pick up women. If only there had been this resource when I was dating, I might not have been such an AFC myself.

 

Good luck!

[woodsmoke]

Teach me to jump to conclusions and feel sorry for myself. Seems my friend's sister went out of town over the weekend, leaving her to 'sit her kids. Adding insult to injury, while I wasn't the shining star of the class, I danced much better today and--as I knew I would, and have said as much numerous times--had a blast doing it.

 

Though I must say, if any of them is to be, the Cha-Cha just may be my end. It's awkward enough recognizing the fact that I have hips, let alone learning how to move them independently.

 

I think I should clarify, "chasing tail" isn't the sole focus of my time spent here at college, it was just dumb luck that a girl happened to be the catalyst of my depressive breakdown. While I'm certainly on the market, at the moment I'm concentrating on a more general social improvement--making friends, finding opportunities to get out of the house and hang out with folks my age, etc. After all, even if I manage to find a girl who's attracted to/interested in me, it's not likely to go over well when she finds out she's essentially my only peer friend.

 

Woodsmoke I think that if you reacquainted yourself with the sacredness of life then you would be both less desperate and less likely to be alone for long. Women love men who love life.

 

 

*smack!*

 

Jackass.

[Jeydid]

As many people have said, age is just a number. Don't worry too much about how old your friends are. If friends are what you want I think the best advice has already been given. Don't do your homework at home. Try a coffee shop or better yet a study group. Talk to strangers. I have met many interesting people just by talking to complete strangers at the coffee shop. Or if that is too bold, read a book with an interesting title there. They will ask you what you are reading. Just put yourself out there as far as you are willing and the rest will take care of itself.