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Knock Knock At The Door


Gaura
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Had some missionaries at the door this morning. I dodn't let them stay long, only a couple of minutes as I wasn't really in the mood.

 

They were carrying some sort of pamphlet about "false religons not telling you" didn't catch the whole title. They said their material is "based on all religions" but the only religion I'm aware of that is really like that are the Unitarians and so far as I know Unitarians don't evangelize. They also confused Pagans with Atheists. LOL. If they're so into all religions they sure don't know their facts.

 

Any idea which species I'm dealing with so I can have more appropriate countermeasures in place next time (I could swear I've seen these two characters before)?

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Good catch, one I didn't get until after the fact. i'm figuring it has to be one of the especially fundy sects for them to straight-faced tell me that. What a psychological double bind!

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Hmm.... Ba'hai perhaps? I know a few evangelical Bahais.... great people, but still just as misguided. It's like Unitarian Universalism based on historical figures (Bahahullah and the Bab) on crack and back to the same old brainwashing techniques as Christianity.

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....They were carrying some sort of pamphlet about "false religons not telling you" didn't catch the whole title. They said their material is "based on all religions" but the only religion I'm aware of that is really like that are the Unitarians and so far as I know Unitarians don't evangelize. They also confused Pagans with Atheists. LOL. If they're so into all religions they sure don't know their facts.

 

Any idea which species I'm dealing with...

 

Hi Guara,

 

Funny contradiction that True Believers In Whatever make all the time: "based on all religions" but refer to "fase religions" too. WTF?

 

Did you nab the tract? The origin of publication could be the clue as to their group.

 

Pagans the same as Athiests - ha! What doofuses. :twitch:

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Sounds like we need a "life list" of religious sects. "Hey, I just spotted a Seventh-Day Adventist! And it wasn't even on one of their migratory routes!"

:lmao:

 

Dude, yeah! Like an Audubon Society guide or something...

 

Species: Homo sapiens Mormonensis

Common Name(s): Mormon, Morg, Latter-Day Saint

Range/Habitat: North America; most common in Utah

Distinguishing Features: White button-down shirts, black ties; backpacks; strange underwear; vacant stare

Life cycle/Habits: The Mormon is a species peculiar to the lakebed desert areas of the Western North American continent. They are a secretive species; hence, much of their life cycle is unknown, though many young Mormonensis will migrate to other parts of the world on mission before settling down for family life. Mating habits are unknown, and that's the way they like it.

 

Etc...

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Sounds like they could've been fundy anythings. Lots of fundies get Pagans and Atheists mixed up and consider their own religion the only Real True Religion . Hard to tell without their pamphlet, which I'm guessing you didn't let them give you.

 

My addition to the Religions guide:

 

Species: Missourius Snyodus Lutheranus

 

Common Names: Lutheran(s)

 

Range/Habitat: North America, mostly in the Midwest, but have been spotted elsewhere.

 

Distinguishing Features: Conservative dress and hair styles for adults, although teenagers and college kids have been known to rebel at times. Can be seen most often gathering for potlucks and other events which include food of some kind. A nice hotdish could probably be used to lure most Lutherans into sight, especially in Minnesota.

 

Life Cycle/Habitats: Mostly common in the Midwest, especially in the Upper Midwest. Extremely common in the state of Minnesota. Known for having potluck dinners, and sometimes dinners with traditional Scandinavian fare such as lutefisk and lefse. Also known for bringing the infamous hotdish to share at funerals, as well as jello and brownies. They really do seem to enjoy their food, which explains why most Lutherans are overweight. Most Lutherans, at least of the Missouri Synod variety, tend to be conservative in both political and religious beliefs, as well as social behavior. They tend to mate for life, although divorce is not unheard of.

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Well, since I went there, I'll add this to the guide...

 

Species: Homo sapiens BobJonesius

Common Name(s): Bob Jones, BoJo

Range/Habitat: Juvenile - no further than 50 miles from the Greenville, SC campus, as per the Student Handbook; Adult - mainly Eastern U.S.

Distinguishing features: BoJos can be found in a great variety of skin colors, as long as its white. Extremely large KJV Bible under left arm. Male - khaki pants, white button-down shirts, neckties, penny loafers. Female - as much clothing as is humanly possible, big hair, penny loafers.

Life cycle/Habits: Mating is forbidden for juvenile BoJos, as it could lead to dancing. The number of sexual encounters for a adult pair will correspond to the number of offspring produced in a 1:1 ratio (typically, 7 or 8). BoJos are easily frightened by rock music (including Christian Contemporary) and rational thinking.

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Species: Homo sapiens Altes-Ordnungus Menninistus

Common Name(s): Old Order Mennonite, some varieties are known as Old Order Amish

 

Range/Habitat: North America; most common in tightly-knit communities in Southern Ontario, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana.

 

Distinguishing Features: Males: short hair-cut, face cleanly shaved (Mennonites; Amish wear beard), black hat, long dark trowsers, button-down shirt with collar in colour of choice, high-topped shoes. Females: full-length dresses, black bonet, hair uncut and rolled into a bun pinned onto the back of the head, white cap (also known as prayer veil or head-covering; colours vary between black and white with Amish) under bonnet. Horse and buggy transportation; hire automobile driver for long trips. Some neighbours make a living exclusively from serving as taxi for this species.

 

Life cycle/Habits: This extremely old-fashioned upper middle-class species lives mainly in rural areas but with rising land prices gravitate to day jobs in town or wherever these jobs available. The alpha males, also known as bishops, preachers, and deacons, are forever on the watch for a straying youngster--or oldster as the case may be. Many guidelines are set by which all members of the species must live if they wish to remain with the group.

 

Mate for life; no exceptions. In recent decades increasing numbers of young males get killed in farm-related accidents or leave the group before marriage. This results in increasing numbers of women who remain single. Overwhelming majority marries and breeds as often as possible resulting in large numbers of off-spring perhaps averaging from 6-12 per household. Farms must be acquired for the male off-spring approximately twenty-one years later when they mate to repeat the cycle.

 

The young, sick, and elderly are cared for by their families in their homes. For the most part they provide their own school system. Education beyond Grade 8 is considered "worldly wisdom." This species sees itself as the light of a dark and corrupt world. No missionizing, Sunday School, or evangelizing. Weekly two-hour sermons which all are expected to attend unless prevented by illness or other "acts of God."

 

Author of article: RubySera, former member of this species

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You guys **do** realize that one of my hobbies is birding. I have been utterly :lmao: at these latest posts. As I've been having an swful day-- between Bluebird's biopsy and that time of the month coming today, I really, really needed a belly laugh.

 

I looked up ye old Watchtower Bible Tracts and I think the one about the "end of False Religions" looked pretty close to the one I saw. I only looked at it for a few seconds so I am not sure. I don't nab those tracts so they can't "score" and so they don't keep coming back quite so often.

 

Anyhow, here is my contribution:

 

Species Name: Homo Sapiens Catholicus Romanus

 

Common Name: Roman Catholic, Catholic

 

Range and Habitat: Global, especially abundant in Italy, the Vatican City, and South America.

 

Distinguishing features: Varies widely by subspecies. However, rosary beads, scapulars, and medals for various saints are common. Hispanic Catholics commnly adorn themselves with Guadalupe symbolism. They also change appearance with dominance, bishops, carinals, and a single Pope all wearing distinct garb.

 

Life cycle and Habits Frequently wracked with characteristic bouts of guilt and this is perhaps the most distinct feature, especially if they mention the "Sacrament of Reconciliation" Allowed to sing and dance, but frequently do this poorly. Frequently are supporters of Notre Dame, Gonzaga, Creighton Universitues or Boston or Benedictine Colleges. Have very large families due to not being permitted to plan the family. Not uncommonly there is a worldly side which is carefully hidden. Dominant members such as priests or bishops are not permitted to reproduce, oddly enough, but frequently mate with the acolytes of both genders. Habits can also vary by subspecies.

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You guys **do** realize that one of my hobbies is birding. I have been utterly :lmao: at these latest posts. As I've been having an swful day-- between Bluebird's biopsy and that time of the month coming today, I really, really needed a belly laugh.

 

Me too :lmao: I get the biggest laugh out of they "Latin" names invented for thoroughly European or Americans names :grin:

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Species Name: Homo Sapiens Pentecostilus

 

Common Name: Pentecostal, Apostolic, holy-rollers

 

Range and Habitat: Global, with few exceptions such as Iran and North Korea. All members of these species have originated from the North American continent.

 

Distinguishing features: Males look plain, boring, and plain bored. Short hair; no facial hair. There is no trace of indidvidualality, save for the suits and ties. Females have long hair and cumbersome long dresses. This species does not use make-up in its mating rituals.

 

Life cycle and Habits: Utter devotion to alpha male, whether he exists or not. They mate young and mate for life. Seems to waste most of their time and resources in meaningless rituals. This species speaks two language: a type of the vernacular, and incomprehensible gibberish. Thrives on emotion. Breeds in captivity by attempting to convince other species that they, too, can be Pentecostilus.

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....I looked up ye old Watchtower Bible Tracts and I think the one about the "end of False Religions" looked pretty close to the one I saw. I only looked at it for a few seconds so I am not sure. I don't nab those tracts so they can't "score" and so they don't keep coming back quite so often.

....

 

Right you are! I came home from work last night after posting on this thread, and BY JOVE, the tract was under my apartment door! IT MUST BE A SIGN FROM GOD! Of course, my baptist family would cringe to think that the Great Almighty might be a JW! hahahaahaha

 

Here is the front page to the tract. I don't want to waste perfectly good memory space on this site w/ the three other pages of characteristically incoherent and just down right weird End Times Scenarios. But here it is... :woopsie:

 

I particularly like the "drama" of the bolts of lightening and such...really sets me up for The Return of the Grand Poobah!

 

 

The_End_of_False_Religion_is_Near_.pdf

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Here's my contribution:

 

Species Name: Homo Sapiens Episcopalus

 

Common Names: Episcopalians, Anglicans, W.A.S.P.s

 

Range and Habitat: Found mostly in the Midwest and New England.

 

Distinguishing Features: White. I mean, really really white. Seen wearing a suit and tie on Sundays, but plain clothes (nothing too fancy) during the week. Older males can sometimes be seen wearing black socks and sandals. Would never dream of wearing tennis shoes to church.

 

Life Cycle and Habits: Tend to mate for life, but there is no hard and fast rule about this. Mating habits are unknown, as they will never discuss them, which is probably a good thing. Tend to be passive-aggressive during arguments. Disciplining of children happens behind closed doors. No evangelism takes place in the species, as none of them can get through it without falling asleep, much like the sermons on Sunday. The women can be found in such groups as Bible Study and Secret Pal. Couples often go on Marriage Encounter weekends. Both men and women can be found in the choir, although men who cannot sing can usually be seen reading the lesson of the day or saying any one of an infinite number of prayers from their prayerbook. Women who cannot sing join the choir anyway. Most commonly heard phrase on Sunday is, "Please open your Book of Common Prayer to page ___." This is completely unnecessary, however, since everyone has long since memorized every word in the entire book.

 

My God, now that I write it all down, how did I keep from dying of boredom as a child?!?!

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Well, they finally made it to my door. I almost accepted the proffered pamphlet so I would have something to post here, but decided I could live without the annoyance. The pamphlet was indeed entitled "The End of False Religions."

 

Confirm one Jehovah's Witness siting for today. However, I've already got that one checked off the list.

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Sounds like they could've been fundy anythings. Lots of fundies get Pagans and Atheists mixed up and consider their own religion the only Real True Religion ™. Hard to tell without their pamphlet, which I'm guessing you didn't let them give you.

 

My addition to the Religions guide:

 

Species: Missourius Snyodus Lutheranus

 

Common Names: Lutheran(s)

 

Range/Habitat: North America, mostly in the Midwest, but have been spotted elsewhere.

 

Distinguishing Features: Conservative dress and hair styles for adults, although teenagers and college kids have been known to rebel at times. Can be seen most often gathering for potlucks and other events which include food of some kind. A nice hotdish could probably be used to lure most Lutherans into sight, especially in Minnesota.

 

Life Cycle/Habitats: Mostly common in the Midwest, especially in the Upper Midwest. Extremely common in the state of Minnesota. Known for having potluck dinners, and sometimes dinners with traditional Scandinavian fare such as lutefisk and lefse. Also known for bringing the infamous hotdish to share at funerals, as well as jello and brownies. They really do seem to enjoy their food, which explains why most Lutherans are overweight. Most Lutherans, at least of the Missouri Synod variety, tend to be conservative in both political and religious beliefs, as well as social behavior. They tend to mate for life, although divorce is not unheard of.

 

 

Yup, I was one of those. If we're not anymore, does that mean we mutated? Sure miss those potlucks! :wicked:

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Guest Firehawk
My addition to the Religions guide:

 

Species: Missourius Snyodus Lutheranus

 

Common Names: Lutheran(s)

 

Range/Habitat: North America, mostly in the Midwest, but have been spotted elsewhere.

 

Lots in Pennsylvania too. My ex-girlfriend was part of this group (Evangelical Lutherans, actually).

 

You can add to your list of distinguishing characteristics that they cannot stand people disagreeing with them, and they REALLY don't like people having religious beliefs that contradict their own.

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Yup, I was one of those. If we're not anymore, does that mean we mutated? Sure miss those potlucks! :wicked:

 

I think I'd like being a mutant, as long as I got a cool super power. :grin:

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Lots in Pennsylvania too. My ex-girlfriend was part of this group (Evangelical Lutherans, actually).

 

You can add to your list of distinguishing characteristics that they cannot stand people disagreeing with them, and they REALLY don't like people having religious beliefs that contradict their own.

 

That is true. I remember it well. But that kind of goes along with fundies of any stripe. I have Baptist relatives and that describes them to a tee.

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Guest Firehawk
That is true. I remember it well. But that kind of goes along with fundies of any stripe. I have Baptist relatives and that describes them to a tee.

 

Yes they could be so welcoming and loving until I made it clear that I wanted to part of their church. After that the relationship just went downhill.

 

It's amazing how much you think someone loves you until their family comes to dislike you because they can't bring you into their cult.

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