Trust

[Unknowing1]

Do you have a hard time with trust after leaving religion? Ever since I realized that the things I have been fed about religion is a bunch of BS I have found I have a hard time just taking things at face value. I no longer am able to just blindly follow what someone says. If it even has an inkling of BS I question it. This is causing me some problems at work as my boss is one big BS artist. I find that everytime she feeds me bull I call her on it (9 times out of 10 I am right). Is anyone else going through this and how do you coupe or manage?

[Vigile]

I think a healthly level of skepticism is a good thing. Even those who leave religion often times fail to apply reasonable skepticism to other areas that influence their lives. It's bad for society that so many just blindly go along with what they are told.

[Everglaze]

I think it's best to study and go with what YOU think, not what others think. Religion is organized. It has a set of rules that you must follow even if you think you share the same beliefs as everyone involved. It's just not the same as being normal and having beliefs. Reality is a lot more broader and you can pick and choose what you think applies to you. Following religion is following blindly. Following your own philosophy is probably the most trustworthy. Just think of it as preference. You like a certain artist even if others don't like that same artist.

[Lycorth]

"Questions are the path to wisdom - the mark of a true warrior."

 

Now if you can't believe Lt. Worf, who can you believe?

[Mongo]

There is a word for those who take their bosses to task - unemployed.

 

Maybe your job has no value for you. Wouldn't it be better to find a better one on your terms than to be fired and look for one on theirs? God and other don't control you any more. You are in the driver's seat and it is a wonderful thing!

 

If the job means something to you (I've survived 27 years in telecom) you need to adjust your approach.

 

If we're not talking about ethical issues or anything that affects you personally, let your boss be the idiot she is.

 

I find it amazing that people work tirelessly to discover non-physical cures for physical ailments and non-behavioural cures for behavioual problems. I'm such a sceptic and I tend to look at people strange when they make assertions that have no evidence.

 

I get in trouble with my wife for questioning my sister-in-law's flakey natropathic beliefs about energy fields, auras and such. The SIL would quickly waste our hard earned money on false hope.

 

My wife says I'm contentious. She is right on some level but does that mean I have to bless any stupidity that emmenates from my SIL?

 

Have I come anywhere near what you are getting at?

 

Eric

[Amethyst]

I have a hard time trusting people, but it's not only because of Christianity. It's because of how I've been treated by others, some among them Christians. It seems like every time I end up trusting someone, I get hurt somehow.

 

As for skepticism, it's definitely healthy to be skeptical of all fantastic claims, including stuff from other religions.

[Mongo]

It seems like every time I end up trusting someone, I get hurt somehow.

 

Although it may not hit the nail on the head, I heartly recommend the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker .

 

Gavin takes on the topic of physical violence and about trusting your own sense of fear. Whether you are in a dark alley, an elevator or in an interview at a isolated location Gavin asserts that if you are fearful, you are likely correct.

 

The book on any level is an excellent investigation into the fear emotion.

 

I think in dealing with social emotions (should I share a secret) similar principals can apply. If someone gossips, for goodness sakes, don't share any of your personal information. If a person easily shares their personal information, that may indicate that they may easily share your personal information.

 

By the same token, too much fear can cut you off from good people.

 

I have an edge on many people. I like myself and my own company. If you don't treat me well, then I won't give a rat's ass about you and I'll move on.

 

You are your own best guide!

[Piprus]

I have trust issues, but I don't relate that to my former religious beliefs. It's a human thing, and like Amethyst has said, it relates to your experiences with people. At this stage in my life, I can say I tend to be a "guarded" person, and that's just my style.

[Unknowing1]

Thanks all for your replies, very helpful. I realize like Piprus and Amethyst said that a lot of it is life experiences with people. I too was a very trusting individual and because of that would end up getting hurt. I'm thinking that because I looked up to and respected those individuals involved with religion and believed them for so long that when it all came tumbling down that I also felt betrayed by them. I mean if you can't trust a person of the cloth who can you trust, ha? I realized about the same time that I left religion that in order for me to stop being hurt I would need to do something about me. I now live by the burn me once rule. And I also question a lot more now than I did. But people are having a hard time with it. For instance my boss.

 

Eric,

 

Thanks for your feeback as well. I'd like to explain further what is going on for me at work. First off I do love my job. Been there for 16 years and have only received exceeds performance reviews since I've been there. Here is an example of what it has been like. Back in June I'd gone to my boss and asked her to review my job description and make the necessary changes in order to cut down on my confusion (yes I said I was confused even though I wasn't). She scheduled a meeting to discuss, she canceled it. the next meeting that was scheduled she canceled as well. I finally sent her an email and said, since we are having trouble meeting why don't we just do it via email. Another meeting was scheduled and she canceled but this time she sent an electronic copy, guess what no changes. Then mid October another meeting was scheduled (yes 4 months). I declined and told her that since the description was the same as it had been, she, her boss and I all were in agreement with it and that this had been going on for four months that we did not need to meet. She gave me heck for declining, said I should have told her we didn't need to meet and that we could handle it by email....WHAT? I spoke up and said I did tell you that after you canceled the third meeting. She said she couldn't discuss that because she didn't have the facts before her. I also was advised that I should have waited as long as it took. She then proceded to tell me she could not work with me.

 

Recently a co-worker and I were slammed in the middle of a meeting that we held by a staff member in another department. Evidently a team leader (he wasn't at our meeting although he had been invited) had complained to his team that he couldn't plan because he wasn't being given information. My co-worker and I let it go during the meeting but the process that we were following to provide information was one set up by that very same team leader and my boss. I asked my boss if the process had changed and my reason for asking. Her reply I was unprofessional in asking that I should go to the team leader and ask. Ok, never mind that my co-worker and I were publicly blamed and never mind that I went to one person who set up that process to ask, I'm still wrong.

 

Unless it affects me directly I do let it go. It's the stuff that affects me that I question and when I do I am always wrong. Was there anything wrong with the way I handled the two situations? How could I have handled them differently? I'm serious, I really want the feedback.

[Mongo]

...I do love my job. Been there for 16 years and have only received exceeds performance reviews since I've been there.

 

OK... so I can assume that your work performance is not the problem.

 

You seem to have an unusually low amount of contact with your boss. This usually suggests that you have a lot of responsibility and self-driven productivity.

 

It could also indicate that your boss is upwardly focused rather than downwardly focused manager.

 

From what you say, I perceive that your boss is a controlling and insecure. The short answer is... stay out of her way until she moves on or gets fired. However...

 

She sounds new to the job. If so she is more likely threatened by as a high performer than disapproving of performance.

 

For that you would need to stroke her ego and assure her that you are there to help her with her objectives and that she is in charge. I like to communicate to my bosses that I am highly supportive of whatever they think is important (I don't say it that way). Bosses need to know that you are "with the program".

 

If you've been unduly criticized in a meeting, you might want to ask yourself how badly you need to defend your work reputation. The last thing a boss wants to be concerned about is defending an employee's ego or mediating a conflict. When it comes to layoffs, your work will speak for itself and those around the table who know you will know the difference.

 

As a fan of Dr. Phil, I really like this particular trait in his life of characteristic of people:

"People of quality can be, and often are, small and petty"

 

In the same way that sports teams accrue scrapes and bruises in the process of playing the game, it happens in the workplace too. At work, managers care about injuries that affect performance of the individual and the team. Those that bruise easily will be asked to pick up the bats and fetch water.

 

I suggest that recurring problems be addressed directly (non-blaming) like "This doesn't seem to be working... bla bla what can we do to improve?" or "Would you like to do XXX in the future?" I keep solution focused.

 

I get grief from a lot of good people when I try to help them as part of my job. Sometimes I have to stop myself from taking it personally but most of the time I see that they are often in a highly frustrating circumstance and I just happen to be the pair of ears that will actually listen. Some people don't understand the limitations of my job and that I can't solve all of their problems. Some of these people are jerks often and when I get the chance I jab back at them but I wouldn't make an issue of it. Everybody else is a jerk sometimes even me.

 

Listen... some people deserve to be flamed. If anything I say goes against your gut... follow your gut. Most people undervalue their own instincts.

 

One last thought...

 

You had said:

I declined and told her that since the description was the same as it had been, she, her boss and I all were in agreement with it and that this had been going on for four months that we did not need to meet.

 

As commendable as it is for you to take initiative... you were the one calling the shots here. You could have rephrased it to say... "Since the description is the same, would you agree that the meeting is no longer necessary or would you like to discuss?"

 

Your boss might need to be in control or at least be seen to be in control. Keep an eye on that one.

[Unknowing1]

Eric,

 

Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it. I also want you to know that you have reinforced my thoughts on the subject. I did reflect on some of the specific situations before reading your email and I have to admit I thought along the same lines. I do feel that my boss is insecure in her position and that she is focused upward instead of downward. Because she is that way I should have worded my responses to her differently. There is and always has been a certain amount of friction between us, she's been there since 1999 but hasn't made much of an effort to really learn the business. Believe me I am one who always helps when asked and will share whatever knowledge I have. I think part of the problem is that I am someone that people count on to provide them with information and therefore I am praised by a lot of people. Our director, attorney and others on down do come to me with issues and questions. Her boss comes to me with issues and questions and her boss comes to me when things don't get done like they are supposed to. I'm the clean up person so to speak. Because we follow the chain of command up but don't follow it down she is jumped over. Instead of taking it up with her boss she takes it out on me. My feeling is that she needs her ego stroked and I intend to do that to a certain extent.

 

I do have another situation with her that I actually have a meeting with HR about. She released some of my employment history to another individual without my permission. The person she released it to is not in the list of people who should have access and was not listed in the process of review. When I found out the potential existed I asked. She did admit she did it and did retrieve my information from the individual that she gave it to. I said I would not pursue it by filing a grievance because I am not vindictive; however, management is aware that it happened as is HR. The situation is this, state law says it's a no no. It also is against our HR policy. Management and HR are required to follow this up whether I file a grievance or not. Whether they do is up to them and HR will be told that. However, if they do decide to follow up I am afraid I am in for a bumpy road ahead. My only consolation is that if this causes a more hostile work environment and I am retaliated against I believe that I have EEOC on my side.

 

Again thanks for your feedback. I really do appreciate it.

[Mongo]

Ukn1,

 

Glad to be of help.

 

I can better see the dynamic with the added information.

 

You're on the right track.

 

Your boss has her point of view too and it is probably not all bad even if she is insecure.

 

I've managed myself so I know all sides of this.

 

I've worked with many people who do not appreciate just how difficult it is to manage people.

 

Some people are not suited for the job, perhaps your boss fits that position.

 

However, often, direct reports don't grasp the politics and problems that the boss keeps away from their employees.

 

Having managed union employees, I estimate that about 5% of them are extremely childish. Non-union employees want to be accomodated on every level since there are no hard and fast rules.

 

It is no picnic for a boss. Yes there are perks but there is crap to deal with too.

 

When an employee has a beef with a boss, they should always take a moment and ask themselves whether they would like to trade places with them. It can be a sobering moment if one understands what the boss has to deal with.

 

Last word in favour of bossess...

 

They are the ones who had the courage to take a promotion.

 

In my work atmosphere, I occasionally advise people not to get too ambitious. Where I work they promote you until you are stretched to the limit and then fire you for underperforming. The phenomonenon is called The Peter Principle. As relevant as it is today, I don't know why that concept is out of vogue.

 

Eric