Rafiki Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 So here's my story. I grew up in a Christian home. I lived with both of my parents and my older brother, all of whom are still devout Christians. We went to church multiple times a week. I was a Cubbie, a Sparky, and a Pioneer (Awanas ;-D). I believed that Jesus died for my sins and everything was peachy. In 7th grade, poo hit the fan. I started to suffer from severe depression. Everyday I came home from school to sit in my room and cry until I fell asleep. It was absolutely for no reason. Then came the anxiety. I used to love to read in class. I would be the first person to volunteer. But all of the sudden I was more scared to read infront of people than I was scared of death. I remember one time in Social Studies, the teacher called on me to read just one small sentence. I started stuttering and ended up walking out of the class in tears infront of all of my friends, without finishing the sentence. I finally ended up in therapy, where I was diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). I could go on for days about the ridiculous stuff I would do. I would sit at the bathroom sink for hours, in tears, washing my hands until they were literally dripping in blood. A big problem I had was with Christianity. I felt like if I didn't read the Bible for at least an hour a night, then I was being a bad Christian. I had to pray constantly for forgiveness, for every single bad thought that popped up in my mind. One time, I told a kid at school to shutup and I came home crying because I felt so bad. I ended up calling him to apologize, he was stupified. My OCD pretty much kept me in check, I never really did anything wrong, I couldn't without feeling the worst guilt in the world. By my freshman year in highschool, I pretty much had my OCD under complete control. At that time I finally felt like I didn't have to read the Bible. I still did, but it wasn't because of my OCD. But I started to feel like God wasn't part of my life. I became very upset and talked to a lot of my youth leaders. I continued to feel more empty until my senior year in high school. I continued to be very involved in church, but looking back now I was just trying to convince myself I believed. Well, during my senior year I found out that my best friend, a wonderful girl who was a strong Christian that I looked up to, was not a Christian anymore. She led many people to Christ in middle school. I always looked up to her so it was really hard on me and my belief. At that point I told myself, "She knew more about Christianity then I'll never know, and now if she doesn't believe, what the hell am I doing?" I then decided to put off my beliefs until after college, when I would have more time research everything. With Christianity out of my life, I needed something to keep me busy. Kentucky Deluxe. A lot of it. I drank KD at least 3 times a week during my senior year. I hated life. I was angry. The only thing I looked forward to was getting drunk or high. The summer after my senior year I drank everyday until I started to get really bad allergies. My throat got really sore and so I couldn't drink or smoke, which was hell. I was pissed. I remember praying, "God I don't know if you're there or not, but if you are I need help because I'm going down the poo hole pretty damn fast." Well the next week I took some ecstacy, and long story short I ended up in the hospital with an irritated liver and pancreas. Terrible news right before my freshman year in college. I took it as a sign that I needed to start researching Christianity right away. I started reading non stop everything I could get my hands on. I even thought about going to Dallas Theological Seminary. At college, while everyone was out drinking, I would be up in my room reading articles online. I had a lot of questions. I prayed every night that I would be shown the "truth." I pretty much did that all year until this summer. I worked at a pizza place this summer. There was a kid there who I worked with, who went to my high school and let's just say he wasn't the coolest kid on the block. He wasn't smart, good looking, or cool. He would tell me about how everyone made fun of him in high school. I then found out that he had some disease and he wasn't expected to live for many more years. I thought to myself, "This kid isn't a Christian. God's making him live this absolutely terrible life, only to die and go to hell to suffer for eternity?" That's when I really started to doubt Christianity. I then came back to school where I met some Mormons. I talked with them a lot, and had some debates. They were so sincere in what they believed, and no matter how much I proved them wrong, they were always ignorant to the facts. I realized that's the exact same thing I was doing with Christianity. I was trying to patch up my questions with faith. Throughout this whole time, probably because of my OCD, I would think about death and religion nonstop, more than I thought about girls, which for all you guys out there, you know that is a lot. It drove me insane. A few weeks ago, I said F IT, I'm done worrying about this stuff. I ended up one night getting on this site and reading the night away. I read a lot of stuff online and bought both of Sam Harris' books, 'The End of Faith' and "Letter to a Christian Nation', both extremely great books. I consider myself agnostic now. I can't prove God. Part of me still has belief in one, just because of how everything has fit so perfectly together in my life, but I have no proof so I don't worry about it. My life has been completely changed though. I love life. I find beauty in every aspect of it. I want to help people, not because I want to please Jesus or because I'm scared of hell, but just because it makes me happy to make other people smile. I'm so open-minded and understanding, at least I try to be. I see live as a huge learning process, and it's been a great journey so far. I've gained so much knowledge within the past few months, it amazes me. And the more I began to know, the more I realize how much I really don't know. But that's my story, sorry it was long and cheesy, but maybe some of you can relate. But for those of you who haven't read "Letter to a Christian Nation", I highly suggest it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gooneybird Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 I've never been a christian and have never believed in god, but I just want to say it's a big world and there are a lot of people who are present and real, without predicating friendship and your value on what you happen to think you believe. Cheers, dude! One thing that I notice about life, too, is that it seems, looking back, that it was somehow authored. That's natural. Who was it that said that looking back his life seemed as though it were authored? Can't remember. All lives will seem this way. Everybody's got a story. Free will dictates that the story was of your own authorship. The mind makes smooth the past and tries to create meaning out of events in life that were just the simple result of cause and effect. The story of your life is going to be what it is, regardless of what you or anybody else happens to believe in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rafiki Posted October 27, 2006 Author Share Posted October 27, 2006 Yah I definitely see that too. It's just hard for me to cut total believe in a creator right away i guess, but thanks for the reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rafiki Posted October 27, 2006 Author Share Posted October 27, 2006 belief* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jubilant Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 Rafiki....what an absolutely touching but yet wonderful exi-mony! That same "high" of life that people say they receive once accepting Jesus is the SAME high that you received by coming to the side of truth and without a belief system. The only difference is, is that because you are experiencing reality, your "high" is genuine and you will not experience a fall because REALITY doesn't wear off. Whereas the Jesus "high" will wear off and there will be a fall because there is no reality in Christ. Does that make sense? I am so thrilled for you, your outlook on life, etc. I'm sure that you will touch a lot of people with infectious kindess and caring attitude. Welcome to ExC and more importantly to FREEDOM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 Rafiki....what an absolutely touching but yet wonderful exi-mony! That same "high" of life that people say they receive once accepting Jesus is the SAME high that you received by coming to the side of truth and without a belief system. The only difference is, is that because you are experiencing reality, your "high" is genuine and you will not experience a fall because REALITY doesn't wear off. Whereas the Jesus "high" will wear off and there will be a fall because there is no reality in Christ. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. I've been trying to make sense of the "new birth" experience I had right when I turned my back on God. But I find I'm not the only one. Thanks for the explanation. Gooneybird said: One thing that I notice about life, too, is that it seems, looking back, that it was somehow authored. That's natural. Who was it that said that looking back his life seemed as though it were authored? Can't remember. All lives will seem this way. Everybody's got a story. Free will dictates that the story was of your own authorship. The mind makes smooth the past and tries to create meaning out of events in life that were just the simple result of cause and effect. Gooney, thanks for that insight. I didn't know what to make of things. I sure looks like someone authored my life and I didn't think I could have done it. But if God doesn't exist then who or what did it? I took some major risks that I didn't think I could have done without God. Maybe the human psyche is capable of more resourcefulness and strength than Christians give it credit for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mongo Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Rafiki, I love the name and avatar! Heh, great story. I'm so glad you have found the freedom to think for yourself. The liberty is wonderful. I think you will find that dumping the religion will help with the OCD. Religion has a way of over complicating the already complicated life we live. Welcome to the tribe and keep coming back to share your discoveries and challenges. Mongo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricky18 Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Hey Rafiki. I believe im also sufferung from obsesive compusive disorder. Mines not so hectic on the hand washing or repetitive stuff.but my mind is allways fucking with me. Its a shit disorder to have.Depression goes along wit it. The things my that pops in my mind and the supression of it mentally drains me. But sometimes its not so bad. Yesterday i imagined hitting my manager with a metal calapor for no reason at all.just popped up. Scary shitt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riverbank Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Hey mate It's good to read a testimony where someone has got through all the crap and is now enjoying life. Life without Jesus is meaningful. Hope you enjoy the forums! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sithprincess Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 Welcome, Rafiki. I enjoyed your extimony. I can totally relate to the depression thing. I became depressed around 13 ( I wonder if it's hormonal?) and have struggled ever since. I also did the OCD thing with counting and double-checking things, and triple-checking, and quadruple-checking. I also had a thing about doing things in the exact same patterns every time. I was fortunate enough to stop myself, though I still find myself doing those things sometimes. The hell thing was also what really started me questioning Christianity. It's just so illogical. As for existence of a god, who knows? Atheists claim you cannot prove a god exists, and deists, theists, and fundamentalists claim you cannot prove a god does exist. They are both right. The bottom line is, none of us will know until we die. It really is rather liberating, isn't it? Sad, too, as it is a part of your life you're leaving behind. Have you told your family of your deconversion? My mother is a diehard Christian, and I don't have the heart to tell her about mine. It's a tough situation. Glad you found this site. I think you'll find it to be a huge help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike D Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 Great testimony Rafiki, and welcome to the forums! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rafiki Posted October 29, 2006 Author Share Posted October 29, 2006 Yeah, I know what both of ya'll mean about the OCD. I just want you both to know how bad I had it. I could go on for days. I would sit at the light switch forever turning it on and off, because I felt that if I didn't do it right then the house might catch on fire. I checked everything: lights, doors, faucets, water hose, refridgerators, etc. I had to count everything. I couldn't step on a crack. I had to step on the same number of tiles with my left foot as with my right. I would take at least 3 showers a day. I couldn't touch anything with my hands: the floor, my feet, my shoes, anything in the bathroom, etc. The reason I want you to understand how bad I had it was because I'm pretty much perfectly normal now. I went to a behavorial therapist, a wonderful lady that actually has OCD herself. When I first talked to her, she told me that she wanted to teach me to live with my OCD, without medicine. At the time, that was the worst news ever. I just wanted to get rid of OCD and stay on the medicine. I didn't want to have to "live" with it. But I went through just a couple months of behavorial therapy, which basically means I was forced to face my fears little by little. Sounds scary but it wasn't bad. For example, I had to tell my parents my bad thoughts all the time. So for the first week, I could only tell them 3 thoughts a day, then the next week only 2, and on and on. And honestly I kicked my OCD's ass. Like I said, I'm still an above average clean person, but I'm pretty much normal in every other aspect. I just wanted to let you know because it's not a big deal anymore, it definitely can be beat. About my parents. I haven't told them yet. I told my dad I needed to talk to him this winter. I'm pretty much just going to tell him that I have a lot of questions with Christianity and that I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself, my parents, my family, and my friends, and God if he's there. Because if he is there, he could see through my BS anyways. My mom on the other hand is a different story. I don't know how I could ever tell her just because I know how much it would hurt her. I could just see her breaking down and crying, and praying non stop. And at this point, that's the last thing I want her to have to go through. But I don't know, we'll see how it all turns out. I am pretty scared about talking to my dad about it though. :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 It’s really striking how often OCD shows up in our religious past. While mine was not nearly as sever as many of you, it did make my life miserable for the two years (age 16-17) I was trying to assimilate all that Christian crap. My OCD manifested itself in only two ways. 1) I was obsessed with light switches. The switch had to be “completely” on or off. This meant that every time I would turn on our off a light switch, I had hold the switch very carefully to ensure that it did not slide back even one nanometer. Of course there was really no way for me to actually “see” any difference but I still had to make sure nonetheless. I would often get up from a chair or bed a dozen times or more just to make sure. 2) Because I was still never totally sure that my faith was real or solid enough, I found myself writing the following quote THOUSANDS of times over the two year period. “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true Church upon the face of the Earth.” Believe me it gets really boring, but I could not stop myself. When I left Christianity behind my OCD stopped immediately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jubilant Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 My mom on the other hand is a different story. I don't know how I could ever tell her just because I know how much it would hurt her. I could just see her breaking down and crying, and praying non stop. And at this point, that's the last thing I want her to have to go through. That is where I'm at with my Grandparents. They are in their 80's and in horrible health and my Grandma especially would be sick with worry about me going to hell. IMHO, I absolutely think that in those kind of circumstances, it's best just to stay "mum" on the subject. However, I don't talk about God/Jesus anymore with them and when my Grandmother calls and asks, "Have you found a good church yet?" I tell her that we stopped looking because they are nothing but scams and false teachings, that is TRUE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricky18 Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 OCD is such a shit disorder 2 have damn! Just my thought live is the worst. Im gna get professional help soon. Iy OCD is not that worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amelia Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Hi Rafiki! Welcome! I'm new too here and we have similar stories. I posted my mammoth one about being a Pastor's Kid and talking about it. Just posted it yesterday. I have OCD too, but it's fading for me, which is great! I have no relationship with my family, but I have a wonderful husband and his family (albeit Baptist family) are good. They're decent to us! I look forward to chatting with you again here! Cheers, Amelia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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