Reading The Bible Began It All..

[Guest dexys midnight runner]

Hello everyone..I've been reading this site for 6 months now and just now feel the courage to tell my story. I was raised in a typical southern baptist home in Oklahoma and was officially "saved" at the age of 10 and went up in front of the church. I was also "saved" a few more times privately when I felt I had "fallen away", especially at falls creek, a baptist youth camp. I met my wife in college and married right before I graduated. During my college years, I started to doubt a lot about Christanity, especially the concept of hell and original sin. But I always managed to suppress them. My wife's dad and grandpa were deacons in her church she grew up in so I felt obliged to join it when we were married. We were active in the church and brought our kids as well. We also became leaders in sunday school. At the end of 2005, the men in the sunday school class suggested we read the bible in a year in 2006. I was excited to strengthen my walk and actually know god's word. I never thought I would be typing this almost a year later. Out of 40 men, I am the only one to have stayed on the reading plan to this day. My faith is pretty much gone and it is difficult for me to write this out tonight.

 

I had always been taught to literally believe the bible. From genesis to revelation. Talking snake, noah's ark, tower of babel, red sea, etc... But my intellectual side began to creep back up, like when I was in college. The old testament was cruel and bizarre and the new testament was mainly Paul's letters (it seemed like the religion should be called Paulinity not christianity). Then the da vinci code came out and I started reading up on how the bible came to be, who wrote it, etc. What I found was fascinating and disheartning at the same time. I learned how the bible was voted on by a council hundreds of years after jesus and there were a lot of other gospels that weren't picked. My opinion that the bible is the infallible word of god was gone. I started reading tons of books from Bart Ehrman, Dan Barker, Sam Harris, and others. The concept of jesus being a historical person or not was then in doubt. The house of cards had fallen.

 

My wife is still a christian and is scared of all my doubts and questions. To make peace, I have told her I am still a christian but don't believe in hell. She seems ok for now with that but still wants me to be the "spiritual leader". I don't know how to tell her I think it's all a sham without devastating her, plus I want to keep the peace with her family. I'm also concerned for my 2 kids (age 8 and 4). My son has expressed a desire to be "saved" (a lot of his friends are). That is my biggest concern now besides my marriage.

 

Having almost read the entire old and new testament now, I think it is myth and legends embellished over time. I tried to be a "liberal christian" but didn't work. I still believe there may be a God but don't think it is the christian god. I have a lot more to say but need to quit rambling. Thanks.

[Jubilant]

Hello everyone..I've been reading this site for 6 months now and just now feel the courage to tell my story. I was raised in a typical southern baptist home in Oklahoma and was officially "saved" at the age of 10 and went up in front of the church. I was also "saved" a few more times privately when I felt I had "fallen away", especially at falls creek, a baptist youth camp.

 

Welcome Dexys! And glad that you decided to post.

 

The saving part is familiar, I believe that I was around that age as well. Like you, being saved "over and over and over" again pretty much regular.

 

But I always managed to suppress them. My wife's dad and grandpa were deacons in her church she grew up in so I felt obliged to join it when we were married. We were active in the church and brought our kids as well. We also became leaders in sunday school.

 

 

Yet another area that we ExC's have in common before coming to the truth. Isn't it sad that fear has that kind of hold on people? My heart still breaks from those stuck in the mindset of fear, brainwashing is hard to overcome.

 

Subtle peer pressure, you'd think that after school those things stop but they don't. My DH and I were worship team leaders for Life Group, asked to head a GKGW class (we declined), Co-facilitators for life group, and I helped and taught Kids Church. We have two children also.

 

At the end of 2005, the men in the sunday school class suggested we read the bible in a year in 2006. I was excited to strengthen my walk and actually know god's word. I never thought I would be typing this almost a year later. Out of 40 men, I am the only one to have stayed on the reading plan to this day. My faith is pretty much gone and it is difficult for me to write this out tonight.

 

The beginning to the end, but little did you know, right?

 

I had always been taught to literally believe the bible. From genesis to revelation. Talking snake, noah's ark, tower of babel, red sea, etc... But my intellectual side began to creep back up, like when I was in college.

 

Me too! All the other religions were just myths and their stories about talking animals were silly and only something fools would believe in...utter nonsense. But not the Bible, nooooo, its walking, talking animals were the real deal! Although, I've never been to college but my intellectual side crept in regardless, lol.

 

The old testament was cruel and bizarre and the new testament was mainly Paul's letters (it seemed like the religion should be called Paulinity not christianity).

 

ITA. The events within the OT were horrible atrocities. So many of us used to be satisfied with the repetitive defense of "The people in those days were evil", "God killed the babies but they went to heaven"...blah, blah, blah. It's as though we had some kind of blinders on that prevented us from seeing the ugly tone of the OT, KWIM? Same with the whole eternal punishing doctrine. Blinders.

 

My wife is still a christian and is scared of all my doubts and questions.

 

Can you blame her? She probably fears for your salvation. It is absolutely crucial to keep that in mind while going through your deconversion. Ask her to read Genesis with you and then afterwards, ask her where in that entire thousand years that happens during it's pages, is there one single warning of eternal torment. Ask her whether or not that seems a little odd. (BTW, one Christian that used to frequent here started doubting the hell doctrine when she did that)Do the same with the next book and the next and the next. However, if she doesn't want to do this, do not pressure her, it will only cause problems. I had to do this with my husband, I'm not telling you anything that I didn't do. I found what helped my DH was for me to just lie low and go through things on my own. Only every now and then would I bring up anything questioning the bible.

 

I was the "spiritual leader" of my home and my husband basically was a believer who felt forced to go to church and didn't read the bible, he didn't pray regularly, I HATED it. OTH, me? I was a full-fledged fundy messianic and turned our household upside down...no Christmas, no Easter, no Sunday worship, nothing. When I deconverted it was a relief for my family, so in that, my husband differs from your wife. That he stood by me after all the crap that I dumped on him was a miracle in and of itself and I love him now more than ever.

 

To make peace, I have told her I am still a christian but don't believe in hell.

 

You may want to seek out Open_Minded, a member here at ExC. She can recommend some great books on non-literalist Universalist Christianity and Oneness, she has been a Christian her whole life but has never takent the bible literally and it blows her away that many Christians do. Having those kind of books around the house will not be as threatening as say a Dan Barker book with outright (what your wife would see as) defiance on the cover.

 

She seems ok for now with that but still wants me to be the "spiritual leader".

 

Technically, there is nothing stopping you from being that. Being an exc doesn't prevent one from being "spiritual", you just need to come at it from a different angle and no "god" belief is necessary. There are a few atheists and ExC's here who'd be glad to give you advice in that area including myself. Spirtuality in and of itself is a beautiful concept and its focus on inner-strength, being kind, gentle, forgiving, loving others, etc. encompass everything that the bible claims is something of "love". Only with non-bible/no god spirituality there is nothing that makes it look hypocritical...i.e., a "loving" god that would knowingly make man, knowing that they'd fail and he'd punish them eternally. You can exhibit "spirituality" by just working on what Christians would call "fruits of the spirit". Really, you don't even have to call it spirituality, your really just being pulled in the direction that anyone else who'd love to have peace with their fellow man wants to be.

 

I don't know how to tell her I think it's all a sham without devastating her, plus I want to keep the peace with her family. I'm also concerned for my 2 kids (age 8 and 4). My son has expressed a desire to be "saved" (a lot of his friends are). That is my biggest concern now besides my marriage.

 

Having almost read the entire old and new testament now, I think it is myth and legends embellished over time. I tried to be a "liberal christian" but didn't work. I still believe there may be a God but don't think it is the christian god. I have a lot more to say but need to quit rambling. Thanks.

 

In your case, I would subtly come out with the truth after having gone through some studies with your wife. She expects you to be the "spiritual leader" what better way to lead her to the true meaning of what that is by SLOWLY going through a bible study?

 

I told my husband and children (ages 8 and 10 at the time) that I no longer believed and why and my children were relieved...our children quit believing immediately and said all the nightmares of hell stopped at once and they no longer were scared of messing up. They stopped crying and worrying about unsaved loved ones, etc. OTH, my husband was still a Christian but he wasn't the spiritual leader that "I" wanted him to be, I was a bible thumping wife so it was a relief for him as well. Now? Two years later he just informed a couple of weeks ago that he is no longer a Christian.

 

I never went through a liberal Christian phase. However, I did try a Universalist Church for community purposes only but it was WAY to hokey, one visit sent me running away and I never looked back. ALso, I read a book on oneness, recommended by Open_Minded and it was filled with scriptures from all religions (even those earlier than Christianity) that were strikingly similiar than the ones in the bible! I NEVER knew about what other religious books said until that, that may be a really good book to have on hand...sort of lying around in the open.

 

Like a couple of others here, I do not believe in a "god" as defined by any religion but more like the universe if you will, and that everything in the universe be it people, animals, plants, etc. are connected.

 

I hope the best for you.

[WakingUp]

Jubilant, could you please share the name of the book with similar quotes, from other religions, to the Bible? Thanks!

 

Hi Dexys!

 

I left fundamentalist Christianity last spring, after 45 years of striving to believe all the hocus pocus. I was saved at 5, then walked the aisle(and got rebaptised) two more times in my growing up years. Never quite sure I REALLY meant it. Being raised Southern Baptist, every sermon was hellfire and brimstone, as well as numerous choruses of "Just As I Am" as we prayed for someone, anyone, to walk the aisle. I could never understand why some Christians didn't worry about hell like I did. I took it literally that my life mission was to "rescue the perishing" and I always felt guilty when I didn't talk to my friends about Jesus.

 

Fast forward to my mid-forties and my spiritual awakening. That old mystery box, stuffed full of questions about Hell(and how that squared with a loving God) and the atroscities of the O.T., and the lack of prayer to change lives, just exploded on me. I had to start really looking at those questions. Then my homeschooled K-12 daughter, that wrote worship songs in her spare time and wanted to be a missionary, went off to Christian college and after much anguish said she was "agnostic". I told her I was going to read up on what agnostics believed and why and she said "No, Mama I don't want you to lose your faith. It's horrible." I said "If I lose my faith, then I didn't really have it to begin with." Well, a few months later I landed here and the rest is history. Now I'm an agnostic.

 

We haven't been to church since last Fall when I told my husband I wanted to take a sabbatical. Sundays are my favorite day of the week now. My husband does not know I am agnostic but he knows I'm questioning everything. HE doesn't seem to want to talk about it. He still prays at the table and I say silently "Blessed BE"...that has become my prayer. I am still homeschooling two children and I no longer read the Bible before we start our other studies. I'm slowly talking to my 11 year old about how the scarey God of the OT is not one I believe in. I'm explaining how the people of old wrote what the understood and it was incomplete. My 15 year old son reads all kinds of science fiction and is very smart and questioning...he will find his way to the truth. As for my husband, back in my fundie days, I begged him to be hte head of the household spiritually. He just wasn't into that and now I'm glad. So, though he still professes to be a christian and prays like one, he doesn't pressure me to go to church and doesn't seem concerned about what I believe. We have had the tradition of taking turns praying before dinner. I still pray when it's my turn....something like "Thank you for this food." I would like to just say "Blessed Be" and hope to do that soon.

 

I know you are hurting. I have grieved over the loss of a God that cares about my every need adn that I can turn to in prayer. I do believe there is "Something" but I don't now what. I am content, for the most part, living each day and counting my blessings. The direction my life takes is in my hands now. I'm not waiting to hear from God.

 

Welcome to the group!

 

WakingUp

[riverbank]

Hey mate,

 

I expect like me you "knew" the Bible was true when you were a christian. When you come to realise that it's not all true and that it contains some pretty hideous stuff, it's impossible to remain a christian (unless you become a liberal one). Your deconversion has happened pretty quickly like mine. I hope things have been okay for you and that your life is going good.

 

It must be difficult with your wife and children, one thing I'm very glad about is that I didn't get married to a christian. But there seems to be some good advice for you on that one.

 

take care of yourself :-)

[Piprus]

Welcome, Dexys,

 

Yep, reading that bible, that'll do it. Hardly the word of any god, and if so, not one I'd want to meet in a dark alley. Like you, I was "saved" at the age of 10, but happily for me, it didn't go too far before I came to a lot of the same conclusions you did. Enjoy your freedom!

[Guest dexys midnight runner]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I don't know how to label myself now..agnostic maybee?? I let my small men's group at church know recently I don't believe in hell and have lots of questions about the bible. They were actually cool about it. But I didn't disclose in full that I thought jesus more than likely did not exist and was borrowed from earlier religions..LOL don't think that would have gone over well. For now, I plan on going to church and biting my tongue to keep the peace with the family. I think deep down most people who go to church don't believe either. Church is more of a social function they have been trained to be a part of since childhood. If they really believed in hell, everyone would be constantly trying to "save" their friends and family. I used to worry that I had never "led anybody to the lord" and god would put a note in my file. I am up to Ezekiel in the old testament and have found no mention of hell or satan yet. I believe hell is only mentioned in Matthew and Revelation in the new testament. As a kid and even some still today, hell would worry me constantly and I would constantly be "resaved" or "rededicate" my life out of fear. Now that I look back, I see how christianity can screw with your mind. I don't want my kids to deal with that.

[Jubilant]

If they really believed in hell, everyone would be constantly trying to "save" their friends and family.

 

I don't know about that...I used to lie awake at night sick with worry but still wouldn't witness because in the back of my brain I thought they'd be better off with God if they hadn't turned down Jesus, lol. However, there were a few "unsaved" at my church but they mostly came because they enjoyed the music.

 

I am up to Ezekiel in the old testament and have found no mention of hell or satan yet. I believe hell is only mentioned in Matthew and Revelation in the new testament.

 

The doctrine may have started to rear a little later on in the OT but not enough to cause the Jews to believe in any sort of afterlife one way or the other. BTW...did you notice that there isn't an eternal life doctrine for heaven yet either?

 

As a kid and even some still today, hell would worry me constantly and I would constantly be "resaved" or "rededicate" my life out of fear. Now that I look back, I see how christianity can screw with your mind. I don't want my kids to deal with that.

 

Same here with rededicating and being resaved, what a harmful and stressful cycle. I didn't want my children to deal with that either and that is why I came out with them immediately and before I finally left the faith, the hell doctrine was done away with.