J'accuse God (my Personal Story)

[Pegasus_Voyager]

I sent the following to: 1) Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church, the largest mega-church in America, 2) Cal Thomas, Christian columnist, 3) Paul Crouch, president of TBN, 4) Dr dave Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, 5) Jerry Falwell (no introduction necessary), and 6)Bob Larson, evangelical exorcist. It was a cry for help. Only one of Dobson's staff responded. He offered me books and counseling. I took him up on the counseling. The counselor got so frustrated with her inability to help me she hung up after making a hasty good bye. This is not self-pity, "venting", etc. I tell this story for the same reason an abused child tells his.

 

 

I was an Evangelical/Charismatic/Mennonite Christian for 40 years. I worshipped God, praised him, prayed to him, witnessed to others about him, even cried when I watched crucifixion scenes in Jesus movies, and defended the faith wholeheartedly.. How did God, my Heavenly Father, repay my allegiance to him? By doing something that was the moral equivalent of an Earthly father "pimping" his child to a molester to be raped and sexually abused!Between August 1995 and November 2005 I was afflicted with the most psychologically abusive and torturous mental illnesses known to man: Paranoid Schizophrenia. Every day, for 4 1/2 years (Then intermittently for 5 1/2 years afterwards), 17 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, with sleep being my only respite, I listened to voices tell me "You're human garbage"," God hates you"," God wants you dead", "you're a demon-human hybrid", "your parents should have been hung for having you", and abusive insults too profane to list here. The cruelest voice of all was one that said that Satan was going to force me against my free-will to murder my daughter, and the publicity that resulted from the ensuing criminal trial would reveal me to the world as the Anti-Christ. You may say that these were all lies and should have been treated as such. If you say that, then you don't understand the horror or schizophrenia. You wholeheartedly believe these voices, and the irrational becomes rational and makes perfect sense to your psychotic mind.... I was so convinced that Satan was going to force me to murder my daughter, that I fought the urge to commit suicide on a daily basis for 4 1/2 years, not because of depression, but because I didn't want to be the instrument of my daughter's death. I vividly remember going into my daughter's room when she was away at school and dropping to my knees and clutching one her stuffed animals and begging and crying, "Please don't let my daughter die, God!!" What response did I get from these pleas? Every time I called out to God I would hear a voice saying , "How dare you call on God? He hates you! He despises you! He thinks you're garbage! Don't ever call on him again!" I was so emasculated by these cruel insults, I couldn't perform sexually with my wife for years. I went through "deliverance" several times! It didn't work. I rebuked Satan. It didn't work. I repented of every sin I could conceive of that I had committed. It didn't work! I took medication. It didn't work! I went through counseling. It didn't work! I prayed to God and begged for deliverance. It didn't work! My wife divorced me in 1999 because of her fear that I may have been a threat to my daughter, leaving me to live on my own in a psychotic state.I remember once my daughter stood up in a "Christian" Missionary church filled with hundreds of people and was in tears crying, "My dad is suicidal. I think he may kill himself". Not one, single solitary Christian in that church came by my apartment to see if I was swinging from a rafter or to see if I needed help. NOT ONE!!!!!!!! The words of Mahandas Gahndi deafening:" I would be a Christian.....if I had never met a Christian!" The fact is, , I want nothing more to do with this rebrobate God or his Son! He called himself my Father, said he loved me, said he cherished me, and then betrays my trust in him by subjecting me to this living Hell! A God that tolerates evil when he has the power to stop it with a snap of his fingers is ultimately complicit in that evil. He is like a policeman witnessing a crime and looking the other way. I'm sure you've heard the axiom,"The only thing required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing!"(replace "good men" with "God"). I recall visiting a Jewish synagogue once. The rabbi was a sitting judge. He related a story of how he had an adoption case before him. It was a little girl who, at the age of two, had been so brutally sexually abused by her father, that her vagina had to be surgically repaired. I decided then and there that a so-called loving, merciful, compassionate God who could look down from heaven and watch such an unthinkable and unconscionable act, along with what transpired in my life, take place and do nothing to stop it isn't worth pissing on let alone worshipping!

I went off meds is Novemeber 2005 due to my fear of the crippling permanent side effects that are prevalent in neuroleptic medication. I was also unresponsive to medication, so the point is moot. Ironically, the psychoses diminished and voices ceased, but my faith was a casualty in this battle.

---------------------------------------END OF STORY---------------------------------------------------

 

God allowed something in my life that drove me from Him. A loving, compassionate "father" would not do that. I began to explore the claims of Christianity and the Bible and found that it was not all that is was "cracked up to be". I eventually "flushed" this religious "vomitus" out of my system.

 

I went on apologists forums and challenged their fairy-tale beliefs concerning Genesis, Noah's ark, "inerrancy", contradictions in the Bible, etc. You can find them in my blog, www.permscape.blogspot.com. This process eventually de-programmed me from Christianity and helped me recover from schizophrenia as well. I became like a child who realized there were no monsters under the bed, and that the "boogey-man" is a myth

I was recently interviewed on Mark Mythos' "Free Thought Zone" (www.freethoughtradio.com) and told my story.

 

 

Robert

[pandora]

Thank you for your post and story. I appreciate your insight into and experience with schizophrenia and how it can afflict a person of religion persuasion. Some posters here have very poor insight into mental illness and the havoc it can cause in someone's life, and they blast the (I assume) schizophrenic mothers who kill their children because they have no understanding of this disease.

 

 

Here's hoping that you do not have relapses of the positive episodes. You're always welcome here, I hope you continue to post your experiences.

[Piprus]

Robert,

 

Thank you for your honesty, and for trusting that sensitive information to this group. Welcome to the site, and I hope you will continue to grow in strength and insight as you fight your battle with schizophrenia.

[Lycorth]

Welcome to ye

[Pegasus_Voyager]

Thank you for your post and story. I appreciate your insight into and experience with schizophrenia and how it can afflict a person of religion persuasion. Some posters here have very poor insight into mental illness and the havoc it can cause in someone's life, and they blast the (I assume) schizophrenic mothers who kill their children because they have no understanding of this disease.

 

 

Here's hoping that you do not have relapses of the positive episodes. You're always welcome here, I hope you continue to post your experiences.

 

MY RESPONSE: Thank you, pandora. I know that you are talking about Andrea Yates. I befriended her and have two letters from her. Did you know that she was a fundamentalist Christian when she did what she did? Her psychoses convinced her that she was saving her children from Hell when she drowned them. In her deluded mind, it was a mercy killing. I could have easily become her, so I cannot judge her.

[pandora]

Yes, exactly. There have been a few more recent cases discussed here similar to the Yates story, and posters have overreacted, blamed religion, said the mothers should be killed, etc.. etc.. If you look around a bit, I'm sure you'll find the thread. I think you should contribute a bit.

 

We still have a long way to go as far as accepting those with mental health diseases. They are biological, and the patient can't help it. Why can't people accept it? It is one of my hot button issues.

 

Anyway, welcome. I hope to hear more of your story!

[Guest Mike1945]

Wow! What a story. It sounds like you have a book in you crying out to be written, Pegasus_Voyager.

 

I sent the following to: 1) Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church, the largest mega-church in America, 2) Cal Thomas, Christian columnist, 3) Paul Crouch, president of TBN, 4) Dr dave Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, 5) Jerry Falwell (no introduction necessary), and 6)Bob Larson, evangelical exorcist. It was a cry for help. Only one of Dobson's staff responded. He offered me books and counseling. I took him up on the counseling. The counselor got so frustrated with her inability to help me she hung up after making a hasty good bye.

 

I remember once my daughter stood up in a "Christian" Missionary church filled with hundreds of people and was in tears crying, "My dad is suicidal. I think he may kill himself". Not one, single solitary Christian in that church came by my apartment to see if I was swinging from a rafter or to see if I needed help. NOT ONE!!!!!!!!

 

Many of us here have experienced the same kind of "help" from the Christian community.

 

I'm very happy that you made it through your living nightmare.

 

I'm new here myself, but after 50 years of the Christian way, I have found more support here than I ever did in the Christian community. This group seems like "good people." I wonder why it took me so long to come to my senses.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Dave]

Wow! What a story. The stigma and misunderstanding of mental illness is such a problem in this country and I'm at a loss on how to help.

 

Did the illness feed on the religion, or the religion feed on the illness?

[Pegasus_Voyager]

Wow! What a story. The stigma and misunderstanding of mental illness is such a problem in this country and I'm at a loss on how to help.

 

Did the illness feed on the religion, or the religion feed on the illness?

 

MY RESPONSE: I would have to say that religion fed on the illness, Dave. Schizophrenia is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, specifically dopamine. I would have become sick regardless, butttttttt, would I have had those weird delusions about the Anti-Christ, Hell, God, etc, had i not been indoctrinated in fundamentalist/Evangelical church teachings? No way! When meds were not doing the trick, I received 9 electro-shock treatments. Now THERE'S a scientific procedure! Yeeesh! Shooting electricity through the brain! Do that to your computer and see what happens!

[pandora]

Schizophrenics tend to have paranoid delusions about whatever their subconscious has internalized, so I'd say the religion feeds the illness. Schizophrenics in other countries have similar hallucinations about their gods/God/ancestors, and the non-religious have them about a great variety of things. Religion doesn't cause it, like Pegasus said, it's a brain thing, but naturally, whatever is lurking around in the brain gets jumbled up and misinterpreted.

[riverbank]

Hey Robert,

 

Wow man, that was quite a read! When I was going through the start of my deconversion, I had thoughts about murder, thoughts that I might be the antichrist, thoughts that satan had taken control of my life and what not. I was in hospital for a month. Thankfully all these thoughts have since passed and less than a year later i am absolutely fine.

 

Mental illness sure is no laughing matter and I'm so glad that you seem to be on the mend. I hope that you get to have a good relationship with your daughter. Some Christians don't have a fucking clue about mental illness and they blame it on either demons or blame it on the person. And because Christianity does not have the resources to cope with the problems that mental illness causes, I am not surprised that you were snubbed by so many Christians.

 

Anyways, it's great that you've made it this far. I'm sure you'll be able to put many Christian arguments and opinions to the sword

 

Take care of yourself

Andy

[Hineni]

Thank you, sir, for sharing your story. I must admit, it was hard for me to read, as I recalled what torment I suffered during my own mental illness. During that time, the thought of suicide was my constant companion. I was told by a 'believer' that I wasn't 'right with god', and that I must have some 'dirt' left on my soul. I had night terrors for so many years that kept me from wanting to sleep, as I thought it was the activity of satan. I felt the mental illness was due to god sending me delusions. I couldn't live up to what that god needed or wanted of me. He never did come looking for the lost sheep. He left me to wander alone in hell, wounded and crying for help.

 

I hope the very best for you and yours.

[Pegasus_Voyager]

MY REPLY: Thanks, Hineni,(neat name) Yes, sounds like your experiences dove-tailed mine. I decided not to take my recovery for granted. I try to reach out to others with mental illness. I sing karaoke. I'm trying to start my own business, since no one wants to hire "schizos". Yes, I heard the same garbage you did, hineni. I was told I had sin in my life. That I was demonized. I went up for prayer in my church once, and the first thing the asoociate pastor asked was "Do you have any unconfessed sin?" I got sick and tired of being judged just as you did. I hope to stay in touch with you.

 

Thank you, sir, for sharing your story. I must admit, it was hard for me to read, as I recalled what torment I suffered during my own mental illness. During that time, the thought of suicide was my constant companion. I was told by a 'believer' that I wasn't 'right with god', and that I must have some 'dirt' left on my soul. I had night terrors for so many years that kept me from wanting to sleep, as I thought it was the activity of satan. I felt the mental illness was due to god sending me delusions. I couldn't live up to what that god needed or wanted of me. He never did come looking for the lost sheep. He left me to wander alone in hell, wounded and crying for help.

 

I hope the very best for you and yours.

[mick]

Hi Robert,

 

Know there are human beings that care. I have found that Christians, in general, behave very strangley with respect to Apostates, or people that have been "disgraced by sin" or divorce or something. You would think that supernatural "love" would mean that god cares tremendously about us and would want people to go and love you etc. The fact of the matter is Christians are really very angry at ex-believers. I constantly think that if something bad happens to me, Christians who know I am apostate will be gald. It would be some kind of testimony for them. It is part of why I kind stand that religion anymore after 17 years in its clutches. The funny thing for me, is my wife, and 2 older kids are staounc Bible beleivers. My 10 year old son was insisting to me this monring that anything is possible with God. Does not matter waht it is. (He was specially talking about how in Revelation the Bible could still be literally true, and the "stars" could still literally fall to the earth. Basically, a CHristian can defend ANYTHING in the Bible using that kind of logic. (I.e. Noah's arc could have happened, because God could have suprenaturally forced the scene to unfold as described, etc) -All fantasy.

 

Anyway, I have found that CHristians have a hard time showing an apsotate love or care. If you vcame back to Christ they would embrace you. (And you really can't blames them, because that is what their Bible says)

 

I have a friend who is an ex-christian as well. I hoping to have more some day. Others who have been through it are great sorces of comfort, hence this site.

 

Lately, I have been going through a sense of embarassment that I was ever a fundamaentlist CHristian. I had this weird pride that I was able to reject it after all this time. But recently that pride has turned to something else. Why did I beleive this crazy thing? I realize now that there were many factors at work that caused me not to jettision the faith sooner. (Marrying a strong believer early on is probably the biggest)

 

I sent the following to: 1) Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church, the largest mega-church in America, 2) Cal Thomas, Christian columnist, 3) Paul Crouch, president of TBN, 4) Dr dave Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, 5) Jerry Falwell (no introduction necessary), and 6)Bob Larson, evangelical exorcist. It was a cry for help. Only one of Dobson's staff responded. He offered me books and counseling. I took him up on the counseling. The counselor got so frustrated with her inability to help me she hung up after making a hasty good bye. This is not self-pity, "venting", etc. I tell this story for the same reason an abused child tells his.

 

 

I was an Evangelical/Charismatic/Mennonite Christian for 40 years. I worshipped God, praised him, prayed to him, witnessed to others about him, even cried when I watched crucifixion scenes in Jesus movies, and defended the faith wholeheartedly.. How did God, my Heavenly Father, repay my allegiance to him? By doing something that was the moral equivalent of an Earthly father "pimping" his child to a molester to be raped and sexually abused!Between August 1995 and November 2005 I was afflicted with the most psychologically abusive and torturous mental illnesses known to man: Paranoid Schizophrenia. Every day, for 4 1/2 years (Then intermittently for 5 1/2 years afterwards), 17 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, with sleep being my only respite, I listened to voices tell me "You're human garbage"," God hates you"," God wants you dead", "you're a demon-human hybrid", "your parents should have been hung for having you", and abusive insults too profane to list here. The cruelest voice of all was one that said that Satan was going to force me against my free-will to murder my daughter, and the publicity that resulted from the ensuing criminal trial would reveal me to the world as the Anti-Christ. You may say that these were all lies and should have been treated as such. If you say that, then you don't understand the horror or schizophrenia. You wholeheartedly believe these voices, and the irrational becomes rational and makes perfect sense to your psychotic mind.... I was so convinced that Satan was going to force me to murder my daughter, that I fought the urge to commit suicide on a daily basis for 4 1/2 years, not because of depression, but because I didn't want to be the instrument of my daughter's death. I vividly remember going into my daughter's room when she was away at school and dropping to my knees and clutching one her stuffed animals and begging and crying, "Please don't let my daughter die, God!!" What response did I get from these pleas? Every time I called out to God I would hear a voice saying , "How dare you call on God? He hates you! He despises you! He thinks you're garbage! Don't ever call on him again!" I was so emasculated by these cruel insults, I couldn't perform sexually with my wife for years. I went through "deliverance" several times! It didn't work. I rebuked Satan. It didn't work. I repented of every sin I could conceive of that I had committed. It didn't work! I took medication. It didn't work! I went through counseling. It didn't work! I prayed to God and begged for deliverance. It didn't work! My wife divorced me in 1999 because of her fear that I may have been a threat to my daughter, leaving me to live on my own in a psychotic state.I remember once my daughter stood up in a "Christian" Missionary church filled with hundreds of people and was in tears crying, "My dad is suicidal. I think he may kill himself". Not one, single solitary Christian in that church came by my apartment to see if I was swinging from a rafter or to see if I needed help. NOT ONE!!!!!!!! The words of Mahandas Gahndi deafening:" I would be a Christian.....if I had never met a Christian!" The fact is, , I want nothing more to do with this rebrobate God or his Son! He called himself my Father, said he loved me, said he cherished me, and then betrays my trust in him by subjecting me to this living Hell! A God that tolerates evil when he has the power to stop it with a snap of his fingers is ultimately complicit in that evil. He is like a policeman witnessing a crime and looking the other way. I'm sure you've heard the axiom,"The only thing required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing!"(replace "good men" with "God"). I recall visiting a Jewish synagogue once. The rabbi was a sitting judge. He related a story of how he had an adoption case before him. It was a little girl who, at the age of two, had been so brutally sexually abused by her father, that her vagina had to be surgically repaired. I decided then and there that a so-called loving, merciful, compassionate God who could look down from heaven and watch such an unthinkable and unconscionable act, along with what transpired in my life, take place and do nothing to stop it isn't worth pissing on let alone worshipping!

I went off meds is Novemeber 2005 due to my fear of the crippling permanent side effects that are prevalent in neuroleptic medication. I was also unresponsive to medication, so the point is moot. Ironically, the psychoses diminished and voices ceased, but my faith was a casualty in this battle.

---------------------------------------END OF STORY---------------------------------------------------

 

God allowed something in my life that drove me from Him. A loving, compassionate "father" would not do that. I began to explore the claims of Christianity and the Bible and found that it was not all that is was "cracked up to be". I eventually "flushed" this religious "vomitus" out of my system.

 

I went on apologists forums and challenged their fairy-tale beliefs concerning Genesis, Noah's ark, "inerrancy", contradictions in the Bible, etc. You can find them in my blog, www.permscape.blogspot.com. This process eventually de-programmed me from Christianity and helped me recover from schizophrenia as well. I became like a child who realized there were no monsters under the bed, and that the "boogey-man" is a myth

I was recently interviewed on Mark Mythos' "Free Thought Zone" (www.freethoughtradio.com) and told my story.

 

 

Robert

[R. S. Martin]

I sent the following to: 1) Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church, the largest mega-church in America, 2) Cal Thomas, Christian columnist, 3) Paul Crouch, president of TBN, 4) Dr dave Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, 5) Jerry Falwell (no introduction necessary), and 6)Bob Larson, evangelical exorcist. It was a cry for help. Only one of Dobson's staff responded. He offered me books and counseling. I took him up on the counseling. The counselor got so frustrated with her inability to help me she hung up after making a hasty good bye. This is not self-pity, "venting", etc. I tell this story for the same reason an abused child tells his.

 

What can a bitter disillusioned exC do but look for the silver lining of this ominous cloud. I don't know any better name for it. Here it is:

 

I'm glad to know I'm not the only person whose cry for help was ignored Christians loudly professing their love for me.

 

These people overlook the condemnation Jesus pronounces over them for this very thing--for rejecting "one of these the least of mine." I've been told in a cold hard manner that obviously I was not one of Jesus' children if I am an unbeliever.

 

For heavens' sakes! For crying out loud! Jesus said the heathly don't need a physician, that he came for the sick, the sinners. Doesn't that include seekers? I need to stop. Makes me too angry.

[Pegasus_Voyager]

What can a bitter disillusioned exC do but look for the silver lining of this ominous cloud. I don't know any better name for it. Here it is:

 

I'm glad to know I'm not the only person whose cry for help was ignored Christians loudly professing their love for me.

 

These people overlook the condemnation Jesus pronounces over them for this very thing--for rejecting "one of these the least of mine." I've been told in a cold hard manner that obviously I was not one of Jesus' children if I am an unbeliever.

 

MY RESPONSE: That is the rub, Ruby. I got the same thing on apologists boards. It reveals the incredible cruelty of this religion. But you have to understand, Ruby, that in Christians minds, "God can no wrong". If something transpires in your life that leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth for Christianity, and you walk away, it's your fault, not God's. But that is their "saftey valve" for getting God "off the hook". And they don't care one bit how badly it hurts you, just as long as their "sacred cow" God comes out unscathed.

 

For heavens' sakes! For crying out loud! Jesus said the heathly don't need a physician, that he came for the sick, the sinners. Doesn't that include seekers? I need to stop. Makes me too angry.

 

MY RESPONSE: I agree, Ruby, I agree. But apparently Christians feel no obligation to adhere to Christ's teachings, so why should we take them seriously?

[R. S. Martin]

 

MY RESPONSE: I agree, Ruby, I agree. But apparently Christians feel no obligation to adhere to Christ's teachings, so why should we take them seriously?

 

Thanks, PV!

[sithprincess]

I had an aunt with paranoid schizophrenia. I never met her, but my mom told me some of what she went through. She constantly thought people were after her, and she would actually see them when she looked out the window. Medication didn't help her. I've often thought about that, what it must be like. I can't imagine it - I mean, how are you to know what's real and what isn't? It must be terrible.

 

I'm glad it went away for you, and I hope it never comes back! But if it does, there are lots of people here for you, and we all care. Welcome to the boards.

[Dakota]

Bravo to you for sharing your story! There is still such a stigma about having a mental illness and most people who have or currently suffer from one are so often "shamed" into keeping quiet about it. It takes a brave person to post your personal story for thousands to read. I, like the other's who have posted have seen threads on here where people are very ignorant of mental illness and attack the person who suffers from one. Andrea Yates is one example that most are familiar with. I was young when that happened but I remember hearing (and still do hear) people say she should be executed. That women had an illness that caused her to kill her children, now she will live with that for the rest of her life, I can only imagine how painful that must be. I have a pretty short fuse for people who have no concept of the power of mental illness and still spout on as if they do.

Hopefully you will be able to educate some people on here and help erase some of the stigma.

 

Very brave of you to share your story, I wish you health and happiness in your life! Welcome to ExC!

[Pegasus_Voyager]

MY RESPONSE TO DAKOTA AND SITHPRINCESS:

 

Thanks for the encouragement! I posted my story on an apologetics board called CARM. You shoulhave seen the sick, sick vitriol and venom that was directed towards me by "loving" Christians. My story was even moved by the moderator to "The Whining Board", implying that crying out about 10 years of going through the "tortures of the damned" constitutes a "whine"! But once again, thanks for the moral suuport, all. I'm going to do a follow-up interview on Freethought Radio's "The Freethought Zone". It should air sometime next week.(www.freethoughtradio.com) I hope, though, that I don't give the impression I'm in a "pity pool" I intend to use my experiences to heal, not hurt. And Dakota, thank you for your compassion for the mentally ill. I'll never forget what a Charismatic preacher said once:"I have been treated better by the "World"(unchurched) than by the Church!"

 

By the way, Sithprincess, I love your handle! I was in a relationship with a very wise disabled dominatrix whom I affectionately called "Jedi Mistress". Ironic that a dominatrix should be instrumental in my recovery.

 

 

 

Bravo to you for sharing your story! There is still such a stigma about having a mental illness and most people who have or currently suffer from one are so often "shamed" into keeping quiet about it. It takes a brave person to post your personal story for thousands to read. I, like the other's who have posted have seen threads on here where people are very ignorant of mental illness and attack the person who suffers from one. Andrea Yates is one example that most are familiar with. I was young when that happened but I remember hearing (and still do hear) people say she should be executed. That women had an illness that caused her to kill her children, now she will live with that for the rest of her life, I can only imagine how painful that must be. I have a pretty short fuse for people who have no concept of the power of mental illness and still spout on as if they do.

Hopefully you will be able to educate some people on here and help erase some of the stigma.

 

Very brave of you to share your story, I wish you health and happiness in your life! Welcome to ExC!

[Gnosis of Disbelief]

Welcome Pegasus_Voyager,

 

Your story was heartbreaking. I hope that things are better for you

these days. I'm not surprised to see xtians attach you for your

mental illness; they cannot handle anything that deligitimizes their

cult. It's still a shame, though.

 

Anyway, welcome to the board!

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said before, but I'm sorry you had go through with that.