My Story

[Jella]

I guess I probably should have posted a testimonial first to kind of introduce myself, it seems I felt similar to so many that it may have been redundant. After reading, and posting a bit I think that every story, no matter the similarities do have a personal touch or tone to them, so maybe I can get the gist of who I am, and why I'm here.

 

My parents didn't force religion, but the extended family whom are Catholic on Mom's side, and southern Baptist on Dads are devout Christians. My Mom converted to Protestant and I was baptized when I was about 10. I loved Sunday school. While they never answered my questions with anything other than 'you have to have faith' I just figured I'd get it someday. I was 'saved' in a southern Baptist church, while on our annual vacation to Mississippi, on August 8, 1974. It's queer how I've never forgotten that date, nor that experience. My heart raced and a started to cry and my uncle told me to go up and accept Jesus Christ. All those people crying and shrieking, the pastor put his hands on my head and asked me if I accept Jesus as my Savior..... it was so intense, I said yes and they all praised Jesus. My uncle looked pleased with me, and I would have done anything for him to look at me with devotion.

 

Every Friday me and my younger brother use to go to this Christian group called Awana. You got to do athletic activities, and then you broke into groups for Bible study. As you progressed you went from a scout to a warrior, something like that. You basically had the shirt, patches and scarf like boy Scouts have. After our church changed Pastors, my Mom stopped going to service, but me and my younger brother still went to Sunday School and after awhile it was just me. During the services, I use to help out in the nursery with the smaller kids and really enjoyed that. I went on all the outings and became quite the little helper around the church. Due to my brothers paper route, I was his helper and Sunday's Mom or Dad had to drive us, and the fact that it was just me going, I started to skip weeks, and eventually stop going all together.

I started going to an Assembly of God with another friends family on the block. I hung around with a bunch at the church which included the pastors son. I had never met such a condescending prick, albeit a handsome one, in my young life. He had judgment for everybody. My friends Mother stopped going to service after the pastor declared that women shouldn't wear pants, and stating women should be subservant. She did however, continue to drive us. I before long stopped attending that Church.

 

I started going to a Lutheran Church with yet another family on the block, and again went to Sunday School and outings and even a sleep over. On that sleep over is when another boy decided to show me his equipment. I had been having thoughts about boys by this time, but he was the first one that showed me what he had, and I was astonished. By this time I had gotten my own paper route, and it was the route on my block and neighborhood. My Dad had bought us a dirt bike, and then another, so after the route on Sunday, me and my younger brother would go out riding. I stopped going to Sunday School, but I did still go on the trips and outings. I went to service sporadically and was beginning to doubt what I was hearing, and the judgment from the congregation started to bother me. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard throughout my time with any of the churches I attended, but it now was resonating with me. It didn't seem right both in my heart and mind. At 15 I stopped going all together.

 

Those years were confusing for me, the feelings I had for boys was still prominent in my mind. I had a girlfriend and we had an intimate relationship, so it subsided for awhile, but thoughts quickly returned. I shook it off as best I could, and figured I'd just grow out of it. My parents had bought some life cycle books, and I read that chapter on homosexuality I bet a hundred times during those years, and it said that all boys go through a faze of fascination. She and I dated for a couple of years, with a brief break-up in the middle, but finally we called it quits. I then was with a number of girls, all the while still feeling that something was wrong.

 

At 18 I got a girl pregnant. My parents were not pleased, nor was her mother. I dropped out of college and got a second job. I didn't love her, yet I felt I had to do the right thing. After my son came, my parents while not pleased were good to us and enjoyed their first grandchild. We were getting quite involved, and right before I went to court, for support, I found out news that made me have to ask for a blood test. Those were turbulent times, and it took months before all the tests could be taken, and a new court date set. He was about 18 months when I went to court and found out he was not my son. I never saw him again. He'll be 25 in February.

 

My family was hurt, and I felt I dodged a bullet, but still loved him. The confusion of that, and my thoughts of men were incapacitating. I came out in the fall of 83. I lead a double life for a few years, but had always thought of myself as a Christian. I don't have to tell anyone what their views are on the subject. It was a struggle everybody I knew up until that point was Christian, and felt I had to keep it a secret.

 

I met other gay men that gave me their view on it, many that still thought of themselves as Christians, but argued against that part of it. I met others that were defiant against the church, and those that just flat out didn't care. I listen to everybody trying to process it all and come to an understand in my own way. I went wild for awhile, becoming a barhag.

 

Throughout my twenties I went back to college, dropped out again, moved out on my own, found a decent job and moved to Chicago via a job transfer and tried to understand life. I enjoyed meeting all kinds of people, and I tell you I did. I lost a couple of friends, and countless other I knew in the community to AIDS, and the way Christians were treating the whole subject, plus the fact that AIDS was torturous on the gay community was maddening. I was angry as hell at those that condemned, but yet felt that what if we were indeed being punished? Some in the gay community, the ones that would actually talk about it, were convinced that it was not an attack on homosexuality, but unfortunately it was still ambiguous to me. It took years before I could rationalize to myself, hell I was well into my thirties that it was a disease and it just so happen to spread in the gay community. My belief in God was suspect by this time, and I had no use for the church whatsoever. It was hard to find a straight Christian that had anything positive to say.

After 911 I really thought things would change in this country regarding religion. I thought that it was an eye opener as to what religion was doing to this world. That of course was not the case, and my disinclination for religion was complete.

 

The rise of the religious right over the latter part of the nineties was another hot spot for me, and gay marriage finally made me realize that there is no hope for Christians, I became vocally at odds with them, and began showing my anger on message boards.

 

As for God, well that was a bit tougher, while I don't believe in the God of the Bible, I was still holding out hope that I would find some sort of spirituality that would give me some peace of mind.

 

In 2004 I was diagnosis with Lymphoma, and lost both my Mom and Uncle to Cancer. It was difficult to listen to everybody talking about God to me, and telling me to put my trust in God.... it didn't help. All the anger I felt after such loses, even my being spared didn't allow me to recover and embrace my second chance. I felt more and more insulted hearing their rational for preserving the sanctity of marriage. That anger is still with me, and I fell back into a depression that prior to my illness nearly killed me, so a few months ago I decided to go into therapy, That's where I finally declared that I'm an atheists.

 

Well that's how I came to the board. I know this is long, and sorry about that, but the gay issue is important because for a long time I thought maybe it's because of the treatment of gays that I don't believe, but I never really did and the thought of being ostracized for being gay, and a non-believer probably kept me holding on longer than I should've.

[riverbank]

Welcome to the forum. It has helped me through a really tough time and I hope it will help you aswell. At least now that you're not a Christian you can be your true self rather than trying to fit in with the stupid teachings of the Christian religion.

 

best wishes

[R. S. Martin]

Welcome, Jella, thanks for sharing your story especially the struggle to be who you were born to be. We're not all born to be the same but being true to who we are born to be brings peace. No god needed. You seem to love people, and to love helping others. You're in the right place. Have you ever been in a room that was so full of bodies it would have been difficult to fall over? That's kind of how it's here. Everybody's hurting but we can help each other in our moments of feeling a bit stronger. And when it comes time to spill our own guts we can do that, too, and expect someone to care. Friends are made here.

[Jella]

Thanks riverbank, it really is like coming out all over again.

 

Ruby, I've enjoyed reading you so much. I don't know what to say a lot of the times in your threads and posts, but I always read them with interest.

[Taphophilia]

Jella,

 

Your testamony was very engrossing and was a good read, don't worry about the length. Not everyone posts their testimony right away and some never do.

 

I'm glod you found Dave's house. As you have gathered by now, we are very pro-gay, pro-transgendered, pro-bi, etc. You are among friends!

 

Congraduations, for finding a counselor who wasn't a Christian and accepted homosexulity.

 

How are you doing now? Is your Lymphoma in remission?

 

Taph

[Vortex]

Welcome Jella.

 

I'm terribly sorry that you had to experience such pain. My personal belief is that who you love and how, as long as it not a child or animal, and is done with mutual consent, is nobody's business.

 

I'm married to a wonderful woman, and I see no reason not to extend marriage to the homosexual community.

 

I hope that you can find healing and encouragement here. We truly do support one another.

[StewartP]

Jella welcome aboard.

 

There is obviously no logic behind why some people get dealt such shit hands in life and others live on easy street. Yet another indication that there is no god. If there is he is either incompetent or doesn't care.

 

I always find it a privilige to be able to read and share other people's stories of how they got to this point, posting on Ex Christian forum. Thank you

 

regards

 

Stew

[I Broke Free]

Thanks Jella for sharing your story. I have wanted to know more about you since I first saw your posts (and gorgeous avatar) online earlier this month.

 

We have quite a few gay members onboard and thoroughly enjoy reading about how our sexuality influenced our religious decisions. I gave up on xtianity just a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday and couldn’t be more grateful that my homosexuality expedited that decision. My identical twin brother is still wallowing in ignorance (I had to listen in silence two weeks ago when he was telling me about how more ‘proof’ has been found regarding the validity of the Book of Mormon.) and I am fairly sure that I would be in the same boat if my sexuality had not pressed me into questioning my faith.

 

I Broke Free

[Jella]

Jella,

How are you doing now? Is your Lymphoma in remission?

Taph

 

I'm doing ok now Taphophilia, the Lymphoma is gone from the latest tests, but I was left with Nueropathy in my feet and lower legs. I also have cronic back pain where the most damaging cancer cell was, due to Chemo and radiation. I'm on disablility, and have not worked in two years. I"ve always worked, so it was difficult, also with all the time on my hands, plus dealing with the loss of my Mom and Uncle, the depression easily set back in. I come from a family that didn't believe in therapy, pull yourself up and get on with it right. I'm getting better and looking forward to a new year. Thank you for your support.

 

Vortex, thanks for your support both on the board and in society.

 

Stewart, I agree, you pretty much play the hand that is dealt to you. I just wish I didn't keep getting dealt 14 in blackjack.

Thanks Jella for sharing your story. I have wanted to know more about you since I first saw your posts (and gorgeous avatar) online earlier this month.

 

We have quite a few gay members onboard and thoroughly enjoy reading about how our sexuality influenced our religious decisions. I gave up on xtianity just a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday and couldn’t be more grateful that my homosexuality expedited that decision. My identical twin brother is still wallowing in ignorance (I had to listen in silence two weeks ago when he was telling me about how more ‘proof’ has been found regarding the validity of the Book of Mormon.) and I am fairly sure that I would be in the same boat if my sexuality had not pressed me into questioning my faith.

 

I Broke Free

 

I picked up that pic a while back, and I'm glad I was able to find a use for it as my avatar.

 

You know I struggled with that for the longest time, I kept asking myself, is your doubt do to the way gays are percieved, or do you just flat out don't believe? Hard to tell, I mean the thought of being the bigots I called my friends ( they still are, but we have decent when we speak of liberal views) but my Mom told me before she died that she was proud of the person I became, and that lead me to believe that I would have been this way regardless. I know not much logic there, but that's one thing I'm taking on faith.

 

I wish I would have 'broke free' earlier, but I had/have low self esteem, and the thought of not being accepted, first for being gay, and then a none-believer was just too much. It probably would have been better to do it all at once, but you kow hindsight. My vow now is to not let that happen to another kid that's struggling. Some folks can shake it off, but some take it to heart and live with guilt and shame.

 

I remember from the get go that I had an abundance of empathy, and I always dwelled on others rather than take care of myself. My parents always worried about me in that respect, and I have been taken advantage of, but it's just me, and I have gotten better about that.

 

Thanks for your support, and I'm happy that you were able to get out sooner rather than later.

 

 

Jella

[Blue elephant]

Hi Jella

 

Welcome to the boards. Lots of acceptance here. Open mindedness is "IN" here!

 

Cheers

BE

[R. S. Martin]

Ruby, I've enjoyed reading you so much. I don't know what to say a lot of the times in your threads and posts, but I always read them with interest.

 

Thanks, Jella, that's about the nicest thing you could say to me. I appreciate it. It's so good having a place where I'm not only allowed to talk but appreciated for it. My family and former faith community are not like this.

[SusieQ]

Jella,

 

Your testimony has been inspirational to me. I've delt with many of the same things you did--I have come to a point this past year through therapy of being ok with myself as I announced for the first time to my therapist that I am Bi--she was very supportive and since I don't have to feel like it makes me a bad xtian-- I can now be fine with who I am!!

 

Thanks for saying that everyone's story is unique--I agree

[Jella]

Jella,

 

Your testimony has been inspirational to me. I've delt with many of the same things you did--I have come to a point this past year through therapy of being ok with myself as I announced for the first time to my therapist that I am Bi--she was very supportive and since I don't have to feel like it makes me a bad xtian-- I can now be fine with who I am!!

 

Thanks for saying that everyone's story is unique--I agree

 

Therapy has helped me a lot, and I feel my confidence coming back. I look forward to 2007 being the year I take my life back.

 

Your welcome, and I truly enjoy everybodies individual stories.

 

Chris

[StewartP]

Stewart, I agree, you pretty much play the hand that is dealt to you. I just wish I didn't keep getting dealt 14 in blackjack.

I've said it before, Jella, I'll say it again: you have a way with words. That's worthy of a sig line I think

 

Stew

[Jella]

Stewart, I agree, you pretty much play the hand that is dealt to you. I just wish I didn't keep getting dealt 14 in blackjack.

I've said it before, Jella, I'll say it again: you have a way with words. That's worthy of a sig line I think

 

Stew

 

lol, well thank you Stew.